Rules Of Engagement

Good morning, Cadre. I'm a little late today for pretty good reasons. I think I was just on a work session with somebody that went pretty well. So. Welcome to your live stream. Welcome to Rules of Engagement, where in July, we have been talking about freedom. And this week, I think the topic is loosely, freedom and connection and what connection gives us and how that relates to freedom. And I am. You're about to learn a lot about me and where I struggle with other people. So hold on tight. I am.

I was very pleased to see when I looked at my rules of engagement, that a number of them have to do with connecting with other people. I was a little worried about that initially because I am one of those people who I just like to do the work, get the work done. I know they say, if you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. And I usually try and go far alone. Things about my young life and about my childhood really made that seem like a good idea, was to do everything alone and take on hard projects alone.

And so being in politics was actually something I was pulled to and called to. Good morning, T. North 66. Government and politics was something I was called to, but I also knew that it was a good choice for me because it inherently is a team sport and that I would absolutely, positively need to work with other people to make that successful. And that was true. I realized what I loved about theater because I did theater until I was about 25. I was a theater minor. Good morning, Amar. What I loved about theater was that it was inherently a team sport.

One of the things I love about sobriety is that it involves a lot of people. Good morning, Andy Mack. So I am a go fi, you know, go fast, go alone, and try and go as far as you can kind of person. And then eventually I crash out and stuff. And that hasn't been as dominant in my life in many, many years. Right. But that is still when things are hard, that is the mean to which I will regress. So as I was saying, I was pleased that a number of my rules of engagement have to do with connection. So the number one, it's number 17 on the list of rules of engagement.

But it is most relevant to this, and given everything I just told you, it'll make sense that this is one of my rules of engagement, and it is number 17. People are a good use of time. In recent years, as I've been learning how to work for myself once I left city hall, as I've been, you know, working from home during the pandemic, etc, Etc. My plans often involved just, oh, just make yourself work harder or what have you. And I make these plans and this is all the things that I'm going to do. And I realized A, I wasn't playing enough time, enough company with other people.

And A, or 1, whichever I did now, B or 2, whichever one I did, if I was interrupted, I was grumpy about it. I'm one of those people who makes plans and likes to have plans go the way I like to have my plans go. That's just how it is. I've become much more relaxed about it over time. Side note, did anybody see the article? I think it was on cbs. It came out in nice news. There's a woman who has a book out. She spent a year trying to change her personality because she was super introverted and all she did was work and people were scared of her and she was tired of living that way.

So she spent a year recrafting, recasting her personality. I'm very interested in that. I think I'm going to look that book up because I've had that experience too. Ways that I used to be, I sometimes think that I'm still that way. And then I wake up one day and realize actually I behave completely differently in my life now than I did five years ago, 10 years ago, 20 years ago. People are a good use of time. What do I mean by that? And why does it, what does it have to do with freedom? Well, first of all, being scared of people, having been deeply hurt by many people as a young person, was not a great way to live.

That is not a free way to live. Right. Doing the opposite of whatever hurt you is not a free way to live. It's just an opposite way of being entrapped by how you lived. Right. So that freedom comes from being willing to engage with other people in really meaningful ways. But people are good use of time because we're inherently communal social creatures. Although the way we set up our world here in the United States of America, you wouldn't necessarily know that, but it is 100% true. People do not thrive, people do not do well if we don't have contact with other human beings.

And so people are a good use of time because my entire somatic physical health needs it, my mental and emotional health needs it, and my spiritual health needs it. It is very clear to me as a person in recovery that my higher power does a lot of work through other people and my interactions with other people. And sometimes if I'm Trying to avoid a lesson in life. I will avoid people because I know that my higher power works through people. And I'm like, I just try and nope on out. But people are a good use of time.

Also people can be. Are fun. I like to do things alone. One, because I have this unhealthy pull to do things alone. But two, because I also enjoy solitude. You know, the. What my sponsor says about what we call in the 12 steps Character defects is that our liabilities are just overused assets. And our assets are, you know, they're on the same spectrum. So the fact that I can enjoy solitude, I travel alone, I'll go out to eat. I don't even think about the fact if I go into a restaurant by myself.

I know some people are very self conscious about that. One of the joys in life is to see a movie, matinee by myself. But I also love to do things with other people. So people are a good use of time because doing too much solitude just becomes avoidance and loneliness. There's gotta be a balance for me in that. And so people are a good use of time, period. Right. And I love my husband, he's the person I live with. I think this is true for some people who live with children that they're raising or in relationship with.

But I know John Acuff talks about this. He wants to be interruptible by key people, his wife and his daughters mostly he wants to be interruptible by them. He doesn't want to be surly and crabby if he gets interrupted by them. I haven't gotten very far with this. If I am in the mid because I work from home, but my husband and I have signals for each other because he works from home as well. You know, if our doors are shut now that we each have a door in this new place where we live, that's a signal, right?

And that if he's interrupting me, it's for a good reason if my door is shut. But I also get grumpy if I'm in a rut, you know, if I'm not doing something that's so time sensitive, I still. And it is true that it interrupts my flow. It is true, yes. Dream big. I also love traveling solo. It is true that I have to get back on track when interrupted. But my doors open if I'm doing something that's less consequential. My hope for myself, the horizon for me is to be less crabby. If interrupted is to be more interruptible.

For my husband, because he's a good Use of time. And I hate to say it in such a crass way. I know how that sounds, but that. That's designed for. It's built for me, right? My rules of engagement are built for me. But I do think they can be applicable to a lot of people out there, but not every. You know, not every tool fits every hand. And so if it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you. But that's how I set it up for myself. But I do have others. I do have others. Number 11 on my guidelines, which is this separate list, which aren't actually rules that I live by, but reminders for myself.

Number 11. Like it or not, company makes life better. Again, this is designed for me. I tend to do things alone. My abuse as a child was very, very isolating. I didn't tell anybody until I was an adult. Like, not one single solitary person, and figured out how to leave the situation all on my own, which means I have a good sense of how to set up a plan and enact a plan and the ups and downs of waiting for that plan to come to fruition. Great, that served me well. But the chronic solo functioning is not.

Doesn't serve me particularly well. So, like it or not, company makes life better. If I'm in this I just have to go fast, by myself situation, it's good for me to remember company actually makes life better. It's more fun to go to the museums with my friend Maya. It's more fun. Or it's equally as fun to go to the movies with my husband. Right. Solitude is great, but it isn't everything. And company makes life better. There's a couple of final rules of engagement that have to do with freedom, a certain kind of freedom, freedom from resentment and freedom in connection.

And there's this, a cluster of three of my life guidelines that are very, very important to me. So number 14. Hurt people. Hurt people. It is good for me to remember my belief. Your mileage may vary. My belief and my experience is that people don't hurt other people unless they've been hurt themselves first and haven't healed. Unhealed hurt people hurt other people or try to. Right. Some people try and hurt me, and it doesn't work, but in part because I'm like, oh, look at you, like, acting out your pain right at me.

This is different. You sometimes have to set boundaries with people. If you're being treated badly or imperiled in some way. Absolutely. Set boundaries. Absolutely. Remove yourself from the situation. Sometimes you can't be around the person, sometimes you can. But hurt people, hurt people. It's good for me to remember that number 19, everybody makes sense if you know their entire story. Sort of a Corollary to number 14, hurt people, hurt people. It's good for me to remember if I knew someone's entire story, their life story, maybe their biological story, what they're doing would make sense.

What they're doing would make sense. I think that is equally as true as the person who cut me off in traffic, as it is for politicians who I think are dangerous and harmful. I won't name any names. This is true for. It's just true for everybody. And so sometimes my reaction to that person is a lack of understanding. It isn't a problem on the part because number 23, guideline number 23. Fix systems, not people. Fix systems, not people. This is one of my new favorites. I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

First of all, you can't fix people. The only person you can really fix is yourself. And that's only if you think you're broken, right? But especially if you're into wanting better outcomes for people in the world one way or another. Fix the systems that are creating those outcomes. You don't fix the people in those systems. Those people aren't creating the system and the rules and the policies and the procedures that govern those systems. Fix the system, you'll get a different result for people.

And so this fixed systems, not people, means two different things. In the work that I do, I take a systems approach. I look at systems. I look at race and racism as systems, and fix the systems, not the people. Like people inside those systems generally are behaving rationally given the contours of the systems that they're in. But this is just as true interpersonally, right? I can't fix my relative who's an alcoholic who's still drinking. I can't fix that person. But I can fix the systems around us.

Meaning I can make decisions about how I want to interact with this person. I can get more resource and help for myself when I do interact with this person. If I choose to interact with that person, I can get resource and help because people are a good use of time and like it or not, company makes life better. Getting other people's thinking and assistance and help thinking about what makes sense in relation to this person who is actively using who I love. And for me, it's like, well, that person is not treating me badly.

That person is in need of some care and attention from me to have his life go well, I will give that care and attention. But I do get resource to support myself, the feelings I have about it, so that I don't have to launch those feelings at him and I can maintain my integrity, maintain my sobriety, maintain my core, while completely loving that person. Because if he weren't hurting, he wouldn't be doing, you know, I mean, he's an alcoholic, so of course he's gonna drink. Bar some sort of transformation which happens through the steps for people like me.

But I'm off track. Fixed systems, not people. Fix systems, not people. It's a lot of work to try and fix other people, and we can't do it anyway. And when it comes to thinking about what's going on socially, it's the systems. If we had different policy procedures, etc. The systems would get different outcomes. Because another guideline, every organization is perfectly set up to get the results that it's getting. So if you want different results, set up the organization differently. In other words, fix systems, not people in those systems.

And then if you fix the system, then you can start dealing with the people. Right. But it's a whole web and I've already gone over time. But this idea of freedom in these connections, why those last three are important is because then I have freedom to think outside the way I feel compelled to think, which is what we talked about last time. I have freedom to think about people freshly. If I remember, if I understood more and I knew how they would hurt, it would make sense that they're behaving in this way.

And I am vulnerable to that behavior, which is why I'm even paying attention. If I weren't vulnerable to it, it wouldn't matter that that person was behaving that way. But clearly I'm vulnerable to it. What is my vulnerability? I can take care of that. That is some freedom from me. I don't have to foster resentments. I can take care of the Change the person I can. The we version of the Serenity Prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the person I can, the courage to change the person I can, and the wisdom to know that person is me.

So I'll leave you with that. I'll leave you with that. The freedom of the we version or the the person version of the Serenity Prayer. So I'll see you on the app Cadre. I'll see you next week. Very excited to be in community with you. And I hope wherever you are, it is not too hot and it's very lovely out wherever you are.