Love, Lust, & Lost Attention

There's something fascinating about the way attention and affection become entangled in romantic relationships. You meet someone who captures your imagination and suddenly there are never enough hours in the day. You want to know everything about them. Every conversation opens another door. But relationships demand something more complicated than fascination. They require patience when things aren't exciting, presence when our attention is elsewhere, and the ability to remain connected even when our emotions are pulling us in opposite directions.

Tonight, I want to explore what happens when ADHD enters the equation. Not simply in the excitement of falling in love, but in the much more complicated business of staying there. My name is Davis. I am the CTO at CADRE and this is the second conversation that we are having in our mini series exploring what it's like to live with ADHD called A Different Kind of Mind. And last week or on Tuesday, we talked about how many of the qualities that represent and exist in the mind of someone with ADHD can present challenges in the workplace, but also how the various traits that cause those challenges can also introduce ways of compensating that actually bring revolutionary improvements and inventions into the business context.

And so today I want to talk really about how when you apply those same strengths and weaknesses to a very different domain of life, how that can go radically wrong. I remember it was really, most of my 20s and my early 30s, I was very focused on building great things. And so I've never been somebody who needed to be in a relationship. I'm happy in solitude. I'm confident in who I am. And so that would introduce some really interesting difficulties when I would meet somebody who would capture that attention.

And so I want to talk a little bit about the art of fascination and in the context of ADD, how, again, the difference between intention and action can be very, very different. And my hope here as we talk about this tonight isn't in any way to claim I'm this expert in all things relationships. I'm not. In fact, this is one of those areas in which I am still in many ways very much a student. And it's also not to claim that that certain behaviors or things should be acceptable just because somebody is dealing with ADD.

But my hope here is that if you are somebody who has ADHD and can relate, that you can know you aren't necessarily alone in those difficulties. My hope is also that if you have ADD, ADHD, and haven't experienced these aspects of life yet, you might learn from some of my failures and save yourself some of that trouble. And lastly, my hope is that if you do not have ADHD or ADD, but you love somebody with ADD or ADHD, that what I'm sharing may give you some insight into how their brains are working and how not necessarily what they're showing you is how they actually feel.

In particular, and then we'll at a certain point kind of compare sort of the ADD cycle of romance, compare and contrast it with what you might call the narcissistic abuse cycle in order to sort of show how certain behaviors in certain contexts represent very different situations and also how certain points of advice or recommendations that you find from dating coaches and in the sort of the dating world when applied in the wrong context can lead to very, very different outcomes. So I remember I mentioned a relationship on Tuesday that I had been in with someone who I moved out to the Bay Area with.

And in many ways, this was my first experience with a serious long-term relationship. And that lasted five years. But the way it started, I think, is particularly representative of what sort of how relationships with someone with ADD often begin. And in this case, I had wanted to be, when I was in college, my dream had been to be CIA. And so I was studying Arabic. I was planning to study abroad in Oman, southeast of Saudi Arabia. And when I started the program, it was about a five-month program, and the first three months were spent living with a homestay, a family there in Oman.

And the last one would allow you to sort of embark out on your own, stay somewhere that you wanted to stay. And I went out to the Middle East a week early. And I had started this student group. I had started connecting with the students that were going to be on this program. They were from all over the country. I was the only person from EU of M who would be attending. And there was another girl who was planning on actually showing up early. And so we connected. I'm like, oh, absolutely. I'm going to be there also.

Let's meet at the airport. And and we can go from there. And so over the next few months, what that would create is essentially sort of like this, like Arabian romance, dream sort of situation, right? Where it's like, really, there was very little else to do. We were with the students all the time. We were exploring this new place. a lot of the, in this context, women would feel uncomfortable going out. And so the men on the program would accompany them. And what it created was an environment in which intimacy and connection and attention could develop very quickly.

And so we became very, very close. And for someone with ADD, like we talked about last week, the issue isn't necessarily that you can't focus. It's that the regulation of what your brain finds interesting and finds and ultimately focuses on can change and be out of your control. And so in the context of romance, what that leads to is a total cocktail of all the various things that capture the ADD brain. And And so this can be both intoxicating and really it's like everything you start to think about when you're by yourself is you're thinking about this person, you're imagining your life with this person, you're thinking about what they told you last time, you're excited and anticipating the future.

The very fact that you desire somebody and then act on that and it reciprocates, leads to the dopamine hits. And so while in addition, the qualities that often accompany someone with ADD, like in my case, spontaneity, passion, total presence in the moment, lead to a very seductive sort of situation in which that hyper focus can both enhance and intensify and accelerate intimacy and connection in romance. But it can also lead to, when you get into the mundane activities of long-term relationships, a sort of a shock, a misset expectation that results when the very daily aspects of life sort of revert and move that focus of attention onto something else.

And so one of the things I've been learning and having to learn is what that means when and how I can communicate reliably and consistently my intentions and my affections for somebody else in that context. What some of the, when it finally, when it comes down to it, For instance, one of the things that I have a difficult time sleeping. And at night, in the middle of the night, I get some of the best work done that I can get done. And so in the context of a relationship, one thing I would experience is that desire from my partner to go to bed with, they want me to be at their side while they're sleeping.

And I would try sort of things like, laying with them while they fall asleep and then sort of slipping out. And that would create and then working in the living room all night, which. ultimately, as time would go on, would create this feeling of, they might wake up and I'm not there. Now, I don't necessarily think that's my responsibility to manage that emotion or be there in that, but not being able to set that expectation or being able to, when I get into a deep flow and I suddenly lose track of time and what that results in is from my perspective, I think this is a very small, trivial sort of thing.

Well, I'm sorry, I just lost track of time. I didn't mean anything by it. doesn't necessarily signify my affection or the way that I care or love my partner. But the experience to the partner can be one of they aren't showing me that they love or that they care consistently? Do they really care and lead to all those questions? And so I think that there's, an aspect to this that requires you to set up that environments. And this will be a theme that we continue to talk about is that is, if you're someone who deals with ADD, what is that right environment and what does it mean?

And what are the differences between being fascinated or infatuated with somebody and also being, or long-term intimacy and being emotionally compatible with somebody, because those aren't necessarily the same things. In addition, there's this, you as you as, and so then being able to deal with some of these complications becomes increasingly important. And especially if you want to actually sustain this relationship long term. One of the things then though that I struggle with to this day, this is sort of, I don't, like I said, I don't have, I don't necessarily have all the answers.

And this is really one of those things that I'm exploring and personally trying to understand for myself. But What often I've experienced in relationships is when conflict is introduced or when you have to go through these things, oftentimes your partner might need space or they go silent. And what's interesting to me is that I can be totally, I could have been totally unaffected. I'm like in my zone focusing on something in particular. And suddenly I have that line of connection is just cut off.

They've gone silent. They've blocked me. And this, by the way, introduces another dynamic into this that I think is also interesting to consider, which is the role that technology plays in our lives and how in many ways technology can introduce actually greater difficulties into this equation, but suddenly you find yourself blocked. And my brain will go and rapidly switch into emergency, I have to resolve this conflict. Oh no, because again, just because I was in my flow and focused doesn't necessarily mean I didn't care deeply about the relationship.

I just was focused in that moment on something else. And so when that suddenly is put at risk, my brain goes into crisis management and resolution mode. And so in this case, I might start reaching out. I'm just trying to have a conversation and be like, look, I think there was a misunderstanding here. I didn't necessarily mean to say it that way. Or I overreacted. And after having spent 30 minutes, giving myself that space and calming down, let's return to this. But to suddenly find yourself cut off leads to emotional uncertainty and relational uncertainty.

And to the ADD brain, uncertainty can be one of the most difficult things to deal with. And so, often you'll hear different people say, well, It's a boundary. You have to respect that boundary. And that's absolutely true, especially if that is clearly communicated. Don't contact me means don't contact the person. But if you haven't said don't contact me, or if you've given off mixed ambiguous signals, well, to the person with ADD, or at least to me with ADD, I'm going to be thinking, ruminating, overthinking, considering all the possibilities, and I have absolutely no context.

As we talked about on Tuesday, if I'm... doing something for work, I've often told my boss, the more context I have, the better I can do the job. If I know what the purpose is, if I know why, if I know what's here, well, I can now actually employ the right solutions, the right strategies in order to move on. And that's true also in the role of dating, in that if I know this person's not interested in me, that's fine. I can move on. if I know, but if I truly care about this person and the longer that the relationship's gone on, if I've developed that genuine attachment and love for the person, well, then I...

I want to save this. I want to address this. And so my brain is going to read every single little signal. It's going to be looking for these micro signs of intent and what the person on the other side is doing. And I don't necessarily want to just demonstrate that I'm willing to drop them on a dime and move on. To me, that would represent or misrepresent what my intention would be, which is that I just want to resolve the conflict. And so what that creates is this experience of, oh no, I need to solve the situation.

I need to address this. So I reach out and I try to address it and I don't get a response. Or I don't know what the response is. Am I blocked? Well, I don't know. Okay, I should call and see. Oh, it went straight to voicemail. I think I'm blocked. But as technology has improved, different companies like the phone companies have made it more and more, as you're building technology, kind of going into CTO mode here, if you're designing a block system, you don't necessarily want to exposed to the person that you've been blocked, right?

And, or as you don't want the system to betray that. And so in the past, there may be slight differences in between you sending a message and what happens when you're blocked or not blocked. as time's gone on, it's become more and more difficult to even understand that. And so suddenly, you might try something like, contacting them through another method or, and once you realize you've been blocked, well, there's this, then there's this feeling of what, why, and, or what's going on? And that might lead to, feelings of different embarrassment is shame.

But the ADD brain, which is able to shift and shift the different perspectives, it can lead to a very, very mixed cauldron of emotions in that it might start with, I want to repair this. Now I feel embarrassed in shame because I did something that, again, I know intellectually I need to now back off and give that space. In fact, if I want them to come back and come back to the relationship, one of the best ways to do that is to just detach, provide that distance, allow them to reflect, to consider, and ultimately to remember the better qualities and to reconnect and to reach back out when they are ready to create that atmosphere and that environment of safety that allows them to both feel that They aren't responsible for your emotions.

And so I know all this and I can recognize that. But that is very different than being able to effectively act on that. And so we talked about how in ADD, it's an impairment of executive function. And so in this case, one of those executive functions being inhibition and inhibitory control. And so I might I might know I shouldn't do that, but it can be very difficult to stop that action. And so when the silence then continues, you might start reading into another different sign or saying, well, maybe they're just so hurt.

And this becomes particularly relevant when the actual original conflict was a result of, say, my own having impulsively lashed out or done something that I feel like didn't represent my true affection or my true and they're feeling hurt. And so in my brain, I think, well, they're just there. I'm imagining, I'm thinking they're there, you know, just distraught, they're devastated, they're feeling hurt. If I just were able to connect with them and explain the feelings, everything would be okay. And so, or then it's a feeling of anger, of having had my agency taken away.

Look, if you want space, I'll give you space like the galaxy. But let me give that to you and show you I respect your boundaries. Don't block me and take my agency away. And so then there's that feeling of resentment that leads in. And then that then can contrast or can run into that feeling of, well, I shouldn't feel resentful. I need to take responsibility for the fact that I caused this. And so before you know it, you realize you've been reaching out. You've emailed, you've emailed again, you've emailed again.

And so I put myself back in the other person's shoes. And what does that look like? It looks like a crazy person. It looks like, why I can't even, this guy can't even stay straight. He's sending me one e-mail that, you know, is tinged with resentment and then another that seeks to want to reconnect. And so all of this leads to then this situation in which the very actions you have taken to try to repair and rebuild and bridge that and regain that closeness and that connection is the very thing that then causes the person to disconnect and to remove themselves and to distance themselves further.

And so this is one of those areas where, I want to say like, I totally understand we live in this world in which in which we don't necessarily always know somebody. And I think when we then say, and you put that in the result of, fascination and some of the early stages of romance, that can lead to, someone like myself suddenly becoming hyper-focused on this experience and it becoming all-consuming. And only to find that this person I wasn't actually compatible with in the end anyway. And so that was something I discovered earlier on in my life, whereby then through my experience with relationships, I would very much sort of begin taking that extra cautious, increasingly cautious approach to my own feelings at the beginning of a relationship.

And that I would sort of allow my, I would intentionally sort of remain detached until I was able to spend more time with somebody and understand is this someone I'm truly compatible with? Because I think in talking about, let's detour for a second and take a parenthesis into that idea I had mentioned about the narcissistic abuse cycle, right? Which is really characterized by a cyclical pattern of that starts with love bombing, essentially over, you know, it's like over making all of these efforts to convince into hurry and accelerate that initial sort of honeymoon phase.

So it can be this very, again, a feeling of hyper-focused interest. And that can be very validating. It can be very, it can feel good when you're being love bombed. The problem is in that case is that it's manipulative. It's intentional in that you're trying to hook the person in. And that's when you move into the second phase of this cycle, which is devaluation. So suddenly it starts slow. It starts in these minor ways where it's like the very things that you had once told the person you were interested in and liked about them, you start to undercut.

You start with jokes that are meant to cause insecurities or attack vulnerabilities. And slowly, you slowly start to devalue the person that you have convinced you're in love with. And then you move into the discard phase where suddenly you find yourself cut off and discarded. And eventually it then moves into the final phase, which is what they call the Hoover. It's where the narcissist comes back and tries to rebuild that connection. They return and they start the cycle over again. So then it becomes love bombing, another cycle of devaluation, and then an even harsher discard.

And when you then take that and you say, okay, I need to be on high alert for a narcissist like that. And you compare that to the very activities of someone with ADD. Well, from a behavioral standpoint, it may look a little bit similar in that there's a hyper focus in the early stage on the relationship. And then as you get into it and you start to move into that area of the relationship that the longer term, suddenly other things in life pull the mind away. And so there's a feeling of, oh, do they still care about me in the same ways?

The difference here, though, is that it isn't bound by and tied together by the sense of manipulation. And for some person with ADD, It's genuine. They just struggle with these certain aspects. And therefore, as I say these things, it's important that the person is willing to do that work, right? That they, that they have these things or that, because in this case, what you don't want to do is you don't want to lose that relationship with someone that you love and care deeply about because you misunderstood the behavioral signals and started reading in to who they are.

I think that one thing that, from my side though, the flip side of that is that someone who has ADD can be particularly susceptible to being sort of entwined by love bombing, particularly because it plays perfectly to that early fascination that the person goes through. And so that was another thing that I had then I would later experience, is that relationship with someone who turned out to be very, very different from what I thought and who I thought they were at the beginning. And that has led me to this, it's one of the things that led me to trying to be particularly cautious before I just sort of allow myself to become attached in these certain ways, naturally.

But that then leads to, and so I think that ultimately all of this to say, last time that we talked about the difference between being capable of something and being able to do it consistently, and I think relationships reveal a different version of that same paradox, which is that just because you're able to get somebody to fall in love with you doesn't mean you are necessarily able to maintain that connection. And now does that mean that somebody with AD should just go without romance, should just go without love in their life or with relationships?

I don't think so at all. I think this comes down to... being able to find that person who is willing to understand who you are at those levels while also working on those things that you need to work on in order to not hurt that person. One of the things that I've unfortunately had to discover repeatedly in life, and we'll talk even more about this on next Tuesday in conversation 3 as we dig further into some of the less talked about qualities of ADD, which include emotional dysregulation and rejection sensitivity, in that I've had to learn that when, especially in my case, where I can think quickly, I am witty and I have an ability to express things and empathize with somebody at a very deep level.

When that gets turned around, it is empathy that allows you to ultimately identify the vulnerabilities that are most susceptible to attack when you feel hurt. And when in that moment I feel hurt and I suddenly think of that perfect, pithy thing to say to drive right at the heart of that vulnerability, and I lack that inhibition to control and restrain that, I say something that you can't take back, that destroys the very, very root of that relationship. And I've had to learn through difficult hardships that you can't always come back from those things, even if your intentions and your affections toward that person were pure, you can't, it's over.

And that's one of the heartbreaking things that you learn life is full of, is having to deal with that. But my hope for myself is that by making these efforts to both understand my triggers, understand how certain aspects of interpersonal dynamics when and to develop the right strategies and the right structure in order to make sure that I'm not hurting those people in that way and therefore that I can actually experience, those joys of long-term romance. And so next week we'll be talking about that, but I thank you all for joining me tonight and you all take care.