It is an art. When to say it. Whether to say it. How to say it. But sometimes telling the truth to the people we care about is the most loving thing we can do.
The speaker greets the audience, references Movember and personal anecdotes, and names the episode's theme as 'the gift of feedback.' This brief opener sets the tone and frames the topic.
The speaker distinguishes blunt truth from relationally wise feedback, describing how many relationships avoid conflict and why not everything needs to be said. He introduces three quick questions to evaluate timing and ownership before speaking.
He describes his practice of asking whether someone wants feedback versus a vent, including prefacing tougher comments, and reflects on how honest feedback signals care, trust, and intimacy. This section emphasizes consent and the positive meaning behind honest remarks.
The speaker shares how he now gives less feedback to his wife, reiterates asking the three timing questions and asking permission, and urges sharing honestly but lovingly when appropriate. He ends with a weekend send-off and encouragement to take the risk to speak for the sake of growth.
Hello, cadre. How are we doing? Happy Saturday, happy November. This is one of the months that we honor and acknowledge men. And men's mental health is in June and then just, I guess, men's health is November. Some people call it Movember if you want to wear a mustache. I have been prohibited, I believe is the word, from ever wearing a mustache again. So I don't think anybody can question my commitment to men's issues and to the cause for men. So I don't need to wear a mustache in order to demonstrate that one.
But today, The topic is the gift of feedback. And like, what do I mean by that? Like I was gonna call it just tell the truth, but it's really, that's not what it's about, right? It's not me like kind of sharing my truth, but it's in relationships. So many kind of ideas about relationships seem a little bit skewed, a little bit uneven or incomplete. in the sense that relationships aren't supposed to have conflict. Relationships aren't supposed to have honesty that doesn't always feel good. It's the times when my wife is really honest with me that has been really helpful to me.
Sometimes it's not the easiest to hear, but I hear it and I take it in and it turns out it's exactly what I needed. And for me, there's this great line. Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said right now? And does it need to be said right now by me? So that's a question that we can ask before sharing something. I mean, I used to be somebody who like really kind of I really thought myself to be like this really assertive, honest guy. And so I would just give people like really like piercing feedback.
There's just like bam, you know, bam. And you know, I kind of was known for that and people would appreciate it. They'd kind of laugh, but they were like, God damn, you know, like that, that's like, that's really strong. And usually it was right on. In fact, I had a group facilitator tell me like, you know, Dan, your feedback, your comments are right on. You just don't need to say it most of the time. And I'll never forget that because it was like, wait, if it was right on, why wouldn't I say it?
And that's because it doesn't necessarily need to be said. But when it needs to be said, when it can be said, when it's invited, when it's asked for, I don't give feedback without asking somebody, are you open to feedback? Usually my line is, were you wanting to vent or just share or are you looking for feedback? And a lot of the times like, no, give me some feedback. And I say, okay. And then if it's even going to be like a little bit tougher, I'll be like, okay, I've got some feedback for you, but it might be a little difficult to hear, you know?
And I value that. I value that greatly from my closest friends, from my sponsors, from my wife, even from my daughter. I love when I get that kind of feedback. It just like it tells me that somebody cares. It tells me that they're not afraid to like tell me the truth. They're not worried about whether or not I like them, right? I think they're worried more about whether I trust them to be honest with me. And And that is missing a lot of the time these days. I really think. Like people are great at, oh my God, I just met this person.
They're so amazing. Oh my God, we have this amazing relationship. Oh my God, we've been married seven years and we've never had one fight. Okay. I mean, I suppose that's one way to do things. but chances are it's not authentic. At least one person is swallowing their feelings and their true thoughts a little too much. That's probably what's happening. And so in my situation, right, this idea of giving feedback, nine out of 10 times it's not necessary. I give much, much less feedback to my wife than I used to.
And I've had to learn. It's like, it has nothing to do with her. This is my stuff. I don't need to share this. But there are times where we can and where she shares with me and we grow as a result of that trust and that honesty. So that's the gift. That's the gift of feedback. That's the gift of telling the truth to one another. And I'm personally, like I said, I'm very grateful for it. So ask yourself, does it need to be said? Does it need to be said right now? And does it need to be said right now by me?
And then ask permission. But don't withhold the truth from someone you really care about because of just of fear, because of any other reason. that's the real gift of intimacy is being able to be that honest. So this weekend, as you go through the weekend, think about is there something that it would be powerful and helpful for me to share? I ask permission to share it. Is now the right time? And if it is, share it, take a risk. and do it in a way so that it's not critical, so that it's not, that it's really coming from a place of love.
That's, I think, the key also. I really did not do that for the longest time. Some of it was because I was so nervous, and then some of it was because of my, I think, my arrogance, really. So, what do you know? C'est la vie. We get older, we get wiser. So have a great weekend.
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