Divorce And Other Causal Things…

Hello, hi, My name is Brittany Hagan. I am an Army veteran. I'm an alcoholic. I have a tag that is bugging me. And I am divorced. I have a four-year-old who's the cutest, sweetest, best thing in my life. And my life is sometimes messy. I wanted to talk today on the old Cadre live stream about divorce. I keep having this thought and I keep coming back to something about divorce that is very relatable. Unfortunately, very relatable is that sometimes there's these big things that happen in your world that rock your whole existence, right?

And like, They're also mundane because they happen A lot. And I think there's something really weirdly dismissive about that. And not like anybody's purposely, I don't walk around assuming anyone's purposely dismissing anything or have feel in some sort of way about that. But I will say this, it feels like, look what I did there. You're welcome therapist. It feels like sometimes because divorce is weirdly mundane, but personally earth shattering, it feels kind of lonely, right? Because as soon as you say divorce, people think they know, especially times they haven't been through it.

I feel like they obviously already know what it's all about. And the reality of it is like, I don't think you do. There's some things that like I don't know about and I might never know about. Like, what's it like to not be the default parent? I don't know what that's like and are like not being the one that the kid cries for. Like there are things we just don't know what that experience is like. You'll hear things like, you know, you'll hear things like, half marriage is due, or this or that, it's gonna be hard.

And they already like think the story is already filled in for you. Well, so many people that have been through it, but when it happens to you, it doesn't feel like a statistic anymore. It just feels like your entire life is going to be changing. And you can know that divorce is common and it absolutely be devastating. And I think those two truths are really powerful to sit in. That yes, this happens to a lot of people, But it really is. Everything changes. Even if you're the one that picks it, even if it's for the better, everything changes.

There's A mourning, there's all that stuff. Everyone knows that divorce happens, but nobody really understands what it feels like until you're inside of 1. I think the most empathetic people I've met around divorce have been through one. And it's funny, you'd think that they would be the ones that are like, yeah, I've been through that. But I think those are the ones, and to this day, I'm out of my divorce for a year and a half now. So it's been a while. It's been a while. So I feel like I'm finally really getting to a good place with like my new life, my new everything.

But that being said, When somebody tells me that they are thinking about divorce, going through a divorce, I'm not in a real place to talk them out of it or talk them into it. I don't have an opinion on it because everybody's marriage is so unique. But I am somebody that says there is life on the other side of it. And I will say I'm very empathetic for people that are going through it. I would take a deployment over a divorce like that last year of my life. I know. There's so much into this. I wrote so many notes about this.

It's been a while since I've live streamed and I keep sitting on and I want to talk about divorce so badly because you got to mourn all of that. You're mourning the human you lived with, that person who yourself who was married, you're losing routines, traditions. A lot of times you're moving, right? We left, I was really, really intertwined in our neighborhood. And it just didn't make sense to live there anymore. And that was really hard. I think that was almost harder since me and my ex were living so separately for so long.

That felt like the hardest part. And then guilt. If you've got kids or family who want you to stay married or have some sort of idea around this is guilt. A lot of guilt. Now, The hard thing is too with divorce and I think I'm just kind of being a sounding board or a land. I don't know what I am. But another thing they don't, you don't realize too is like you are losing friendships, you're losing family. And some people will go, well, I'm still really close with my in-laws. Yeah, I think that is, it's just going to be different.

Right? It just is traditions. And then there's like, the earth shattering stuff too. You went from 2 incomes maybe to now one income, a housing thing. I don't want my kid to feel that, but of course they're going to because things are going to change. Even just like with scheduling, I work wonky hours. And like I think that finances, schedules, parenting, it breaks my heart that my kid doesn't see me every night. And that was something I thought about over and over and over again before we got to this point.

I think if you are thinking a divorce or going through a divorce or been through a divorce, that's the kind of heartbreak I've really struggled with is missing my kids. And I'm going on a tangent right here because that's kind of the name of my live strings. But I had this thought the other day around loneliness and missing a specific person. I'm like the least lonely person, mostly because like my job's really social. I do a lot of social stuff and I don't feel lonely when I'm alone. And I thought I was lonely for a long time.

during this divorce. I was like, am I lonely? And the reality of it is I was able to decipher something between being lonely and missing one specific human, and that's my little human. I thought that was really powerful because then I didn't try to fill it with people or stuff. So like really deciphering, am I missing one person or if I'm lonely? Because seeking out interactions because you're lonely makes sense. seeking out interactions and humor and contact because you're missing one person, you won't solve that because you just miss that person.

And I think saying that is very powerful. Grieving somebody who's alive is a very weird feeling in divorce as well. Like, you know, even if you're the person who wanted the divorce, the reality of it is there was something in that other partner that you were really excited to live with and join lives with. And then They're gone. I mean, a lot of people co-parent or have interactions, but it's never gonna be the same. And it's always really weird to have all these inside jokes, all these milestones, all these big things with a person that you will never get to reference it again.

And I think that's worth acknowledging. It's okay to be heartbroken, even if you're the one that asked for the divorce. And it feels kind of selfish. But I think denying that you're heartbroken or that you're hurt isn't exactly useful. So I struggled with that a lot. Full disclosure, I am the one that wanted the divorce. And I still struggle with that if I'm allowed to be sad. Fun fact, sadness doesn't care if you're allowed or not. It exists. And then There's a lot of thoughts around like, who are you now?

I am not like a big hobby person. I know it's so lame. I wish I had a bajillion hobbies because my brain wants to do bajillion things. But I kind of had to ask the question of who am I and who do I want to be in this next chapter? What do I prioritize? What How do I introduce myself? I find myself kind of being weird at parents night. I was just at a parents thing this morning for this like meet and greet coffee thing. And I feel like I always have to convey that I only get my kid half the time.

I don't know why I feel so compelled to say that because I don't know. And then like what does our, who is our family? Like for Margot, her family is still her mom and her dad. So do I, you know, it's just, there's a lot to figure out. holidays are hard because, you're never, she's going to be wanting for the other parent all, I mean, I feel bad for her and I feel bad when I'm not with her, but I don't. What does dating look like? That's a weird one too. Do you date? I mean, I feel like you're so guarded now.

Can you date? Can I ever get to a place where I want to share a life with somebody. I don't know. There's so many things to like sit and think on around divorce. And it really is funny how it's just kind of skimmed over really casually when you say you're getting a divorce because everybody just assumes what that means. It's okay if you have to sit into it for a while. Like I said, I've been divorced for a year and a half. We've been separated for about 2 1/2 years. And I think that literally it took a full year for that not to be my first thought and my identity.

I don't know if people were, I don't really care if people were identifying me as divorcee, if that was the case, but as in my own head, that's who I was for a very long time. And now I don't feel that way. I feel like there is so many things that I leave with in my head about who I am than divorced. Not that it's a bad thing. It's just not top of mind anymore. And allow yourself to be either of those things. Sometimes you have to feel like after a divorce, you have to feel like you have to prove that you're thriving.

And the reality of it is, nobody's watching, nobody cares. And I mean that in the best way. Like, you know, nobody's looking like, oh, is she having a glow up or not? So don't feel any pressure to be anything about exactly where you are and what you are. I also know I have to give Margo a different, my kiddo, 4 year olds, I have to give her a different life than what she was experiencing with me and her ex, my ex. And I think that is so powerful anyways that like, yeah, maybe she won't have as many toys.

Maybe we're not going to have as big of a house. But I know that I'm showing her something better. And that's what keeps me going. That's what keeps me motivated. That's what keeps me anytime that guilt sneaks in that she doesn't have a house with both her mom and dad. I also say unfortunately for her, mom and dad weren't showcasing the best of the best. And so she's really lucky that she has a mom and dad that will fight to show her what she can have or what's possible. And So that's my little spreel.

I feel like I have so much to say around divorce. If you resonate with this, message me or throw anything on there. I know of divorce, I don't know. Like I said, it's just been something that's sitting with me a while. My realm is like alcoholic veteran, right? I don't want to brag, but that's like my go-to. That's my bread and butter. But I do feel like the Venn diagram of alcoholic veteran and divorce might overlap a little. So If this resonated with you, convey it to me in whatever way you want or don't.

It doesn't matter. I'll probably still talk about it. was so lovely hanging out with you, especially on veteran's day. Happy veteran's day to all my veterans. And go get free coffee. I think it's at Starbucks. Okay, bye.