If My Plate Could Talk

Good morning, Quadra sphere. If you're here live and in the moment, it is Friday and another opportunity for us to come together and talk about all things, life, grief, trauma, self, body, and everything in between. I hope you've had an incredible, incredible week. I feel like this week has gone by really fast. This is a holiday week, but it still feels like a very full one. But no complaints. I'm very happy to be here, happy to be in your moment and glad to be alive. You know, that sounds a little morbid, but we're talking about grief today, so you're expecting it.

Being alive is truly such a gift. As you come in, let me know how your week has gone. Hello, Steph Irwin. And as always, let me know where you are in all the world, which is our way again, of kind of collectively joining together, of honoring and holding space for one another. I am currently in North Carolina, and that feels really good to say, because I've been traveling earlier than this like crazy, so it feels so good. Makeup. There's such a story about this makeup. This is yesterday's makeup that is still holding strong.

Had a photo shoot in an MUa who did this? And I was like, oh, my gosh, I'm gonna sleep on my back. And my husband was like, girl, you really gonna sleep on your back? What's up, New York? What's up, south Jersey? And I was like, absolutely, because I have to officiate a wedding this weekend. And I was like, and my face is already done now, I probably won't keep this on two days. I might, but I'm definitely gonna keep it on for the rehearsal dinner tonight. For those of you who are entering this space, and you're having a great week, that's great.

For those of you that are entering this space, and it's been a challenging week, I'm so glad that you chose and you chose to come to this space. What's up, California? Philly, Indiana? Charleston, with your tea. I left my coffee upstairs because I need to stay calm. What's up, northern Minnesota? Hello, Jules. Instead of being hype, I want to talk about two things. The first one is, hello, Columbia, South Carolina. Anticipatory grief. Tell me what you know about anticipatory grief. In that statement, you think about the dynamic of anticipating something that means we not only experience grief around things that were, but we can also experience grief around things that we are anticipating.

And I've mentioned it here, there in our conversations, but I want to bring it back to the surface because it is such a tricky dynamic to the daily experiences that we have that impact our mood, that impacts our food and impacts our movement and all in between. So when we are dealing with managing, trying to become aware of anticipatory grief, we're thinking about the things that haven't yet happened, but we know they're in process or they're on the way. That could look like a number of things, that could look like someone that you love, that you know their health is declining.

You fully recognize that they have less years than more here on earth for various reasons. They might be actually going through some type of sickness or battle, but there's also levels of anticipatory grief that are centered around changes that are going to come, that are going to impact you personally. So that could be various situations. And sometimes even good changes can create grief that you anticipate. Part of why I want to bring that up is because I often see that anticipatory grief, something is being lost, or you're anticipating the loss of something.

A situation or a person often coincides with a level of anxiety that presents different than typical anxiety. We believe often. We most often believe that anxiety is this big, huge, pressing, heart palpitation, jittery hands feeling. And while that can be true, anxiety can also be this quiet, empty, gnawing feeling in our gut. Have you ever had a moment where you've literally kind of felt like you have a hole in your stomach, and you respond to that hole in one of two ways? If you're on this side of the spectrum, you respond to that hole by kind of sinking into the numbness and not eating very much and not moving very much.

You just feel hollow. On the other side of the spectrum, people respond to that hole by trying to fill it. And you notice that you can't seem to get full, that you're eating and eating and eating, even in just small ways sometimes, but for some reason, you feel like you can't satisfy that hole, that emptiness. Those can also be examples of what we call a quiet anxiety that runs on the surface and runs underneath because of what is coming ahead. And especially in situations where we feel like we have no idea what to do with that.

I'll give you an example from my own personal life of a grief that I'm anticipating. Love my children with all my heart. One of them needs to return home for a little while and reset and regroup. This is home. Absolutely. You can always come home. This is your safe place. And I am grieving and anticipating the difference that will exist in our house now that she has returned. There's a way that we do things with just it being my husband and I and a way that we will need to do things because she's in the home and what I will need to give her now that she's back in person.

And I want to share that. Because again, I want you to really open your mind around anticipatory grief and view it as it can be a necessary change and one that you welcome and you accept, but also one that is complicated because it changes something for you. When we know someone is getting ready to have a major surgery, when we know that there is a major job change coming and we don't know what that means for our life, all of those things are anticipatory grief because there's an uncertainty and there's an undoubtable, there's an undoubted doubt about.

I don't think that's a word. There is a loss that is going to exist without a doubt. So I want you to take a moment. I'm going to stop talking for about 60 seconds. And I want you to consider today, what are you anticipating? Don't worry about the grief part of it yet, but what are you anticipating? What future, situation, experience, encounter or change are you anticipating? And then if you're comfortable sharing it, put it in the chat. 60 seconds starting now. Yeah. Having to work overtime. That's a good one.

Having to ramp up. I've been there and I'm still there in some ways, really fighting for a down moment. But also knowing that a ramp up is coming and that's a loss you're anticipating, it's going to require more out of you. Yeah. A family breaking up changes things. It is hard. It is uncomfortable. There are no rules around it. You're trying to figure out what do you do? How do you support this person? How will this be different? And there's nothing you can do about it. Our kids are big ones. Yeah.

Raising an adult son with special needs for the rest of your life, I honor your courage and your willingness to state that that's very real as parents. For those of us who have had the privilege of being a parent, we have been conditioned to know they're going to go through a progressive stage. But eventually most of them, if we're lucky, are capable of being on their own. But there's something to be said about when we know that they're not and what that means. There is an anticipation of loss there.

Yeah. Retiring from teaching. Wow. First of all, thank you for all that you've done over that time, but then you wake up and go, what do you do? And I love that one as well. Financial changes, saving money for a new car. You know, even anticipating a different budget is a loss. And my goal on these moments is not about bringing up everything that may make you sad. Congratulations, Kendra, for your large promotion. I hope you do incredibly well. But yes, yes, factor is real, but it's about getting you to slow down and to peel back the surface of your day and your existence and go, man, if I take a really good, close look at what's going.

Going on with me, what do I see? What do I notice? And these are all different elements in your life. And thank you again for your courage to honor them and to speak them and to share them in this sphere of safety and protection that we all have. Because what happens in the quadrasphere stays in the quadrasphere. Now, I want you to take whatever you kind of identified in terms of what you're anticipating, and now I want you to take a look at your plate. We always look at your plate tangibly and metaphorically.

So as you look at what you're anticipating, what have you noticed about how you've been eating lately? And if you're like, I'm still eating? Well, phenomenal. But have there been cravings? Have there been thoughts? Have there been little moments that feel like they're off the beaten path? What have you noticed about how you're nourishing yourself in light of life and what you're anticipating and the grief and the changes that may be involved in what you're anticipating? And interestingly enough, even in getting a new job, I want to come back to that for a moment.

I see a lot of people who get new promotions and grieve the old role because that's where they were comfortable. So there's even a grief around, oh, my gosh, this is amazing. And I, you know, work for it, but also, it's a loss because I loved my team and I loved coming and knowing what was happening all the time. So, yeah, craving mangrove sugar at night can be a big sign of, like, okay, there's. There's something there. And specifically, when we even see when it comes at a specific time of day, and usually evenings are going to tell us the most about what we're holding and what we're carrying, because that's when we slow down.

And it all comes to the top. Craving bread, things that are comforting and warm. Those of you that are familiar with me, I'm also really big about you tracking your emotions and the kinds of food that you trace, specifically kinds of foods that you crave, because that's going to give you insight and an indicator of, okay, here's what I'm really needing. I'm needing comfort. I'm needing reassurance. How can I find that it's okay for me to have the bread, but the bread really isn't going to get me what we need.

But yeah, when we're sitting and being still, that is when our truth rises to the surface. And if we allow it, it becomes a phenomenal messenger. So for those of you who are just coming in again, we're talking about anticipatory grief and now taking a look at what's been on our plate. So we looked at what's on your tangible plate, how you're nourishing yourself. Now I want you to look at what's on your metaphorical plate. That means what are you doing to try to compensate for how you feel or the feelings you're trying to avoid?

Where are you holding steady? Where are you doing the most? Where are you taking on more and overcompensating, perhaps because you're trying to anticipate this moment. I'll be honest for myself because I know that a change is coming to my home that will change the amount of time that I get alone and in quiet and restore. I am metaphorically putting as much time on my plate as possible to step back, to rest, to, you know, appropriately sit in silence and withdraw. Because I know when another person comes in the house as the mom, there is going to be a ramp up.

So I am savoring those moments. So know that sometimes the things that you put on your plate, metaphorically, we're not identifying those because those are all necessarily bad things, but we do want to be able to acknowledge this is a behavior that is in place. This is a nourishment pattern that is in place. And are they adaptive? Right. These things are what you're doing to cope with the grief that you're anticipating, the change that you're anticipating. But we just want to take a look so that you stay focused and aware because you may also see, oh, but here's something that I'm doing that is not ideal.

Maybe you're an individual and your anticipation, a change that grieves you and you are staying up really late trying to have that time to yourself, but then it's causing problems the next day and then derailing things. So it's always about looking through everything. Yeah. Feeling like you can't sit down and you have to keep moving is typically a pretty direct result of trying to manage that internal anxiety. Anxiety and then amazing that you're showing up for work even though you're not sleeping well, but also having a difficult time.

Sleeping is a sign of quiet anxiety. It can be a sign of a lot of things, don't get me wrong. But if we look at it in the context of our conversation, it can also be a sign of a quiet unrest. Anxiety is an unrest, and anticipatory grief and anxiety often go hand in hand in hand. So what can you do with what we've shared this morning? First of all, you've done so much and thank you for showing up and sharing. But once you leave this moment, don't lose sight of yourself. Don't lose sight of what you are anticipating.

And the piece that I want you to actually practice is I want you to really work on speaking to yourself in a way that encourages you to trust that you can handle what you're anticipating. Oh, ramping up for a new role and for overtime is going to be difficult, but I can trust myself to navigate this season and it may be financially great for my family in the future. Right. So find a way not to minimize what you're anticipating. Maybe you're in a situation where you are anticipating a parent that is struggling having a difficult moment.

We're not going to be joyful about that, but the language that you would use is, this is really hard to watch. I'm losing the person that I love, but I'm also grateful for the memories that I have with them. I'm grateful for every moment that I'm given until no more moments exist. So it's a way of honoring and holding and naming the reality of your anticipatory grief while also coming alongside of yourself and speaking to yourself in a way that allows you to believe in your ability to manage it while staying aware of your behaviors, both in mood and in food, and not going too far away from your center and keeping yourself as a neutral observer in your life, not putting too much pressure on yourself.

And also, I'll say, as a final thought, keep in mind when you're beating yourself up about what you're not doing, that you're holding so much more then you are probably aware of. Right. Part of our work here is that you're giving yourself an opportunity to go, wow, there is kind of a lot going on. There's this and there's that and there's that. And I'm kind of holding this underneath. And I didn't realize that that was actually as big of a dynamic as it is until I stopped and I sat and I realized it.

And so what's realistic for me to expect out of myself, given the full context of my life? So every day from this day until next week, ask yourself, if my plate could talk, what would it say? What is it trying to tell me? What is it trying to show me? And what adjustments do I need to make so that my plate stays in harmony with my goals and what I value for my life? As always, I'm so glad that you came and spent time with us today. It is always an honor. It is a joy. Continue to come throughout the day.

If you are specifically going through a season of grief in any capacity and just to use the encouragement, then this is the place that you want to be on Friday. There are a host of other people that are going to come and give some great encouragement and share. Right. Share this with someone who, you know, hey, they might benefit from this, but most of all, take care of yourself and I will see you next week. Have a good one. Bye.