Harbor Pilots - Meet Me on the Dock

Hello, cadres. I'm Kathy joy, and my handle here on the sphere is speak wonder. It's 11:00 on Thursday, caregiver day, and I get to be in community with you on this platform. So where am I? I'm not at home, and I'm not at the harbor. I have promised I would speak from the harbor one day because my overall theme is harbor pilots. Is anybody here on the stream with me? Somebody say, hey, I'm in a funeral parlor. Hey, Cathy. I'm at a funeral home in Erie because I've just finished attending a workshop pre planning, and I'm doing it for me.

My mama's pre plans are taken care of. She's still with us. She's 93 years old, and I don't know why I'm speaking in hushed whispers, but anyway, we had a very lively workshop, and the leader, Stephanie, told us all things about how to honor the loved one who's now gone, but also how to take care of our needs as survivors and grievers. Excellent workshop. We covered everything from insurance to writing an obit. How many death certificates should we get? And these are things that I decided I'd like to take care of for my grown children so that the stress is somewhat alleviated.

There's even a pay as you go option. Did you know that? You don't have to prepay in one lump sum, depending on the state and the laws and the third party, all that stuff? But I'm here to talk about harbor pilots, and I'm so glad to have you here. Thank you for joining me. So I've titled this meet me on the dock homecoming realities for caregivers. Bottom line, what happens when there's a party of no one to greet you when you disembark from your journey, from your day, from a bad day, from a good day, from a very intense caregiving day?

What happens if you live alone and there's nobody greeting you on the dock? Let me do a quick review in case I'm a new element to you here on the Cadre. On caregiver day, I bring you harbor pilots, and in the past weeks, I have covered people in your life who come alongside and give you support. And one of them is the anchor, since we're doing harbor speak, and the anchor is the person, the individual, the family member, the friend, somebody who gives you a sense of stabilization in the waters of caregiving that sometimes are murky and difficult for you to maneuver.

That's your anchor. I suggested in past lives that you might send a thank you note to someone who gives you that stability, your anchor, your harbor pilot. The tugboat is the person who is in your life, who's kind of a mentor and accountability partner as well. Someone who gives you a push in the right direction, and someone who pulls you back when you've gone too far into open waters and you need a little bit of a check and someone to hold you accountable. The buoy is the one who bobs and weaves and is colorful and brings you humor.

And the rudder is the one who is small but mighty and keeps you on course. So you've been kept afloat, you've been in community for the day. You've come safely to the dock. You are tethered to the dock. You are in safe port. You've survived the day. Some days are sinkers swim, and some days are smooth sailing. Because of your harbor pilots, you have safely arrived. But what happens when you are docked and you're coming home to nobody? So getting out of the boat, there's no one taking your hand, no one to tell you about your day.

For me, I live alone in an apartment with the cutest little corgi ever there was. Her name is Gracie. And Kathy just mentioned Gracie here. She's just the cutest little bug. And she's kind of silly and quirky, and she's my fur baby. But sometimes I'd like a human to kind of nuzzle in on their shoulder and say, yeah, I gotta tell you about this. It'd be nice if someone asked about my day. I don't say this for you to feel sorry for me, because what I'm about to tell you is how to mitigate that. And, you know, I recognize that some caregivers, and you're among them, share a home with other people, but maybe the other occupants are just not emotionally available to you.

And so it's irrelevant that you have a house full of folks because you're still in that bubble of lonesomeness where you'd like to share your day. But reality says you just can't, at least not that day, for so many different reasons. Caregivers who come home to more caregiving. I know there's at least one speaker here on the Cadre who is caregiving, both her mom and a child who's on the spectrum. So some caregivers have been out at sea caregiving somebody, and they come home to more caregiving. And sometimes you're empty.

You know, you've poured your cup into the lives of somebody, and you're still expected to pour more out of an empty vessel. So that's tough. That's tough. So I'm saying that sometimes people do come home to a household, and still there's that loneliness bubble, like, oh, could I just get a hug? You know, somebody to validate me and ask me how I'm doing. Someone to look me in the eye and say, hmm, tell me about your day. I have some care ideas for you that you manufacture yourself, because you know what you've learned as someone who gives love and acceptance and vulnerability to the person that you're caregiving, whether it's emotionally or hands on or somebody who has particular needs at any age, not just our elderly.

Well, you have learned how to serve up hospitality. So my question today for you is, are you doing that for yourself? Are you giving yourself the hospitality and the welcome that you deserve? There is something called a self care kit, and it can be your own, it can be the one of your making. And it's pretty cool because it's unique to you and it's something you can do a little bit in advance. You can stay within a financial budget, and you can make coming home, getting out of the boat onto the empty dock where there's a party of no one to greet you.

You can make this a more meaningful homecoming. Just a little bit of planning and thought and something personal to you. Here are some ideas. Think about, okay, start with thinking about a friend. If you, you know, what would you buy yourself if you were your own best friend? So what would you buy for your friend? It's likely the stuff that you would enjoy. So when we self gift, what we're doing is acknowledging to ourselves that we deserve to be cherished, we deserve to be celebrated, and we have earned that.

Stay within your budget. I mentioned that. So here are some ideas. Jewelry, you know, get a ring that you really like. This one on my pinky is called a love knot. It's pretty cool. I love it. You know, maybe put this stuff in a box for a rainy day. You know, I'm not suggesting that you go out and do, what do you call it, retail therapy when you're having a down day. I'm suggesting that you take a little bit of time and get you a nice basket or container and put some things in there that you're going to need on your rough days at sea, when you come home to a party of nobody.

So some other things. Really good chocolate, you know, not the candy bar at the country fair, but really good chocolate. How about theater tickets? I know our guy, JC is a theater guy and live theater. Two tickets. Think of who you'd like to ask to accompany you and do that in advance, of course. But you know, wouldn't that be fun to pick up theater tickets or movie tickets and have those in your box of magic? Let me think. What else do I have? Flowers. You could even get dried flowers. If you are like me and you can't keep a living thing alive.

Get some really cute things at home, goods or something. Dried flowers that you can make a centerpiece. How about a houseplant? If you are good with plants and if you do not kill them, then get a houseplant. Here's one that I came up with too, is make your own bed. Make your bed before you leave and maybe splurge and get some really good sheets, like 600 thread count or whatever. Something ridiculous that you didn't get at Target or Walmart that you got at a linen place. They're really good sheets.

And make your bed because isn't it nice to pull back the covers on a neatly made bed at the end of the day? There's something cool about that. Bird seed makes me happy. Okay, Kathy, that's cool. So get some birdseed and have that because you like to watch the wild birds coming to your theater. I'm still stuck on theater tickets. I guess I want to see a show. Come to your bird feeders. I also like to go and pick wildflowers where I live. And forget me nots here in the month of June in Erie, Pennsylvania, are abundant.

I'm telling you, this is one of the hottest days of the year. I think we're going to hit the nineties today. And so I go in the early morning, I take my scissors and of course my dog Gracie is there right beside me and she's doing her thing. And we're having a good morning walk. And I clip some forget me nots, some daisies later in the summer, Queen Anne's lace, Johnny jump ups. There's so many cool names for these wildflowers. The names are as exotic as the flowers themselves and they grow wild and they're just like abundantly available.

And you don't have to go to a florist. So I like to clip those and put them on my coffee table. Little journals. I love little tiny journals and just have those available to write things in. Maybe a new body mist, something that smells like summer. How about tickets to a ball game? Yeah, that would be neat. It doesn't have to be professional ball. It could be a game, you know, in your town. With the local team. Paper chandelier. That's on my list of things to go get. There's a party place. I'll probably hit them up, or I'll go on Amazon, and it's probably less than $10, you guys.

But a paper chandelier is just something festive and unnecessary but good for my mental health. Hang it in my apartment. When my grandkids come over, they can see Oma in her tiny house with her paper chandelier weighted blanket. Has anybody, do you have one of those? I do, and I thought I wouldn't like it in summer, but there's something very comforting about it. And with the AC on, you know, they're not. They're not warm. They're not like, thermal blankets or electric blankets. They're weighted, and it just gives you comfort.

People who are anxiety driven say that they like the weighted blanket. Thank you, everyone who's joined the live today. I appreciate you so much. And if you're on the replay, thank you. Thank you for making the effort to come in and hear my things about harbor pilots and today, about honoring yourself and taking care of you, especially if you come home to nobody. You're still coming home to somebody, and it's that person in the mirror, and you're special. So mirror messages. Speaking of the mirror, what if you took shaving cream?

I've done this. I used to do it for my kids when they were growing up. I would write messages to them with shaving cream? With my husband's shaving cream. Once in a while, he got a love note, too. And you can easily wipe that off. And I would write things or make a funny face on the mirror to encourage people in my family. What are some affirmations? You could write with shaving cream or with a wipe off marker or even a sticky note. I put a sticky note on there. Affirmations like, don't forget to be amazing.

I've always liked that. I had a co worker who has. Who had a sign before she retired in her office that said, today's your day. Don't forget to be amazing. How about this one? Repeat after me. You're gorgeous, you're fabulous, you're amazing, and you're still here. I am loved, and I am loving. I am blessed and highly favored. Inhale. Exhale. Sip. So here's one of my favorites from our very own doctor Charryse, who's here on the Cadre. This one preserved forevermore in my journal. And I love this.

She says, honor the space you were designed to occupy. Honor the space you were designed to occupy, you are uniquely designed to inhabit the space you're in. Honor that celebrate it, and three more things that you can't purchase or put in a basket. But I invite you to include these in your care package for your homecomings. Give yourself a chance. Give yourself the gift of following your dreams and the really big, untangible gift of forgiveness. Give yourself that. So whether you're coming home to chaos and a very noisy household, or, you know, to a spouse with loving arms, or, you know, somebody who just is going to hug you right up or to an empty apartment, remember, your life is full no matter what.

And you bless the rooms that you walk into. You really do, and you matter. You are cherished, and you need to treat yourself. Make a self care kit. Think about what you might put in yours that's personal to you, and replenish that little space on repeat. Keep it handy for the days that you really need it. That's what I invite you to do. When you've been out in your harbor vessel and your Cadre community and your friends, where you live and work and breathe, have come alongside and given you the support you needed.

And still, at the end of the day, you need some nourishment, some replenishment, some reset. Get a self care kit and keep it handy and keep it current and replenished. That's what I invite you to do, my friends. So I promised you last week that I would bring a surprise right on the cusp of summer solstice. And I have it here. It is my first book. Did you know I'm an author? I am not here to sell my book or market my book or whatever to do promotion. If you want to know more about it and where you can find it for yourself, I think the community page is where I could put more details.

I just wanted you to know that with summer solstice, which on some calendars is today the 20 June. On my calendar, it says the 21st. And basically, that is the one calendar day of the year that has the longest daylight. It has become a tradition for me to travel out with my friend Laura to the peninsula, to presque Isle here in Erie, which is surrounded on three sides by water, the very definition of a peninsula. And we find a beach. Usually I think it's beach eleven that we like. And we sit on the shores or, you know, somewhere where.

Where we can see the shoreline and the horizon and we watch the sun go down. And on summer solstice, it doesn't usually go down till almost 930 at night. And when the sun kisses the water, that's magic. And when it kisses the water at 930 at night, that's cool. And that's summer solstice. We usually bring popcorn. So this is breath of joy, simply summer. And I don't know if it's appearing backwards on your, in your view. I would like to just read one page from it, if I could do that, and I think I might have told you a little bit about my books.

If not as a basic introduction, I will tell you that my books and I have four seasons. I have breath of joy, simply summer. Ah, autumn, winter. Whispers and singing spring. And they're about grief and recovered joy. Each page has some things to be thankful for, so it's kind of like a gratitude book. And it has photograph to support it. So I'm going to. I think I can flip my camera. Maybe not. I thought I could. I thought there was a place to flip my view around for you to see. So I guess what I'll do is just show you the book.

This is one of my favorite pages because it has that wonderful boat with the ropes. Kind of captures my passion for harbors. So on this page I wrote the sloop harbored in tranquility, the schooner tugging at her anchor and the sailboat moving toward a moon path over the dark sea. And then on this page I have here we go. Sorry for the phone moving around. I'm just going to show you the image and then I will read the part of this, of this page. I really enjoyed creating this page. When God throws a pearly pink shawl of gossamer sky over the shoulders of morning, when the noon sun promises the lingering light of a June twilight and sunset, when heaven pulls earth into its arms.

So each page, as I mentioned and showed you, is image driven. And I am so blessed because each of my photographers only wanted to be mentioned in the, you know, the credits so I didn't have to pay out for photography. This is a nice page, too. This one is a boardwalk out to the open waters. So that's my very first book published in 2018. Kathy Joy, Breath of Joy, simply summer. I got the title Breath of Joy. And then of course, the subtitle is simply summer. I got the title from when I attended a yoga class.

And once, and only once, the yogi said, we're going to end our session with breaths of joy. I'm like, what is that? And it was so cool. We did this deep breathing and it was joyful and we were laughing. And breath of joy is aptly identified for what it is in the yoga practice and also the title of my books. So I leave you with that. And I want to tell you and let you know that today, girls mentorship is coming up. What's in your toolbox? Later we'll have comedy through chaos with Shannon Paul and JC Lippold will be on board.

Later, family ties. You can look in the Cadre for the schedule. Caregiver Thursday. You guys are the best. Talk to you next week. And don't forget to build your little self care kit because you are loved and you are welcomed home. You are. Bye.