Expired Mindsets 🧠 w/ Dr.Charryse: “How Ignoring Your Needs Impacts Mental Health”

Hello, Kardra Sphere. I'm so glad to be back with you. Thank you for all the kind messages and text and all the things. As I was out last week grieving the loss of someone very special in my life and had an aunt that passed away and it was very unexpected and very sad and she will be missed. But such is life. Those moments happen. I missed you all dearly and I'm glad to be back. Welcome to expiry mindsets with Doctor Charisse Johnson. If this is your first time here, you're welcome. You're so welcomed in this space.

And for those of you who always come through and join me. Hello again. How are you? I hope you're doing well. Fill me in on where you are and what's going on in your life. We always start two ways. One, we start by rating your week. Let's continue that process. One, meaning it's been awful, ten, meaning it's been wonderful. And then hello, Audrey, hello, Rachel. And those that have popped in. I mean, I missed a couple of names. Hello, Alexis and Syringia. And then ten, meaning you were on top of the world.

You're having the best week ever. Steph Erwin, Gwen from Buffalo. What's up? Because our second way that we start is we always acknowledge where we are in the world. Here's the other thing, you know, kind of geeking out as a therapist, we often come, kind of assess clients and determine are they aware of where they are in location and orientation. And it sounds like, well, that's weird and that's odd, but we can dissociate from time and all the different things. Hello, Lilliana. And if I jack up your name, give me a phonetic spelling and let me know.

And then, you know, we also do that because it's so important for us to be aware of where we are and how we feel. And that's not always a given. So I'm back in Charlotte because you can always tell when I am here in my office. If I had to rate my week, my week is at a solid eight. You know, I wouldn't call it a ten. We're not going to go that far, but it's at a solid eight. The whole purpose for those of you who are familiar with this process and not familiar with this process is really looking at where am I and where do I want to land?

Let me self reflect. Is it because I don't feel well? For those of you that are recovering, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you feel better, but you always want to look at where you can improve. Hello, South Jersey. Hello, South Carolina. Hello Charleston. And all the things. Let's get into our focus of the day, because here on Wednesdays we focus on what does it look like to find right harmony and balance in our lives if we are willing to do the work. Hello Annapolis. Oh, I love Annapolis. It's one of my favorite cities.

I haven't been there a long time, but I used to teach school, fun fact. And that was one of the places that we went to for a field trip. And I am actually a history nerd. So much you don't know about me, but stay posted and you'll learn. Where I want to focus today is, if you've been with me, you've heard me kind of talk about us moving towards that dynamic of we're heading into a seasonal shift. If you're listening to this in the moment, it's mid August. Can't believe it's mid August. And I want to focus on all of these different dynamics around heading into a slower season.

And these are things, of course, that are going to be helpful for you no matter what season of the year it is. But here's something that I have noticed. If I think about my time here on earth, working with people, talking to people, is we start the year very focused on ourselves, our needs, we're making goals, we're making priorities. And then as the year goes along, what's up, Minnesota? What's up, New York? We start to abandon our needs. We slowly start to relinquish the things that we said we wanted to do that would help us grow, that would help us meet goals, that would help us feel better.

Because we get tired, we get exhausted, things have happened, it's difficult to recover. And then we head into winter and we have given up where like, I don't even know where I am. I'm just gonna do whatever I wanna do. It's gonna be terrible, horrible. I'll deal with it. And then we start the cycle back over in January. So I wanna spend some time today focused on how important it is for you to honor your needs. Because if you don't consistently make your needs a priority, then it will have a significant impact on your mental well being, even if you're a really great person at being rationally avoidant.

In other words, you do a pretty decent job at pretending that you're better than what you actually are. Know that my goal is never to make you feel like you have to find something bad or wrong with your life. But my goal is always for you to take off the mask and go, how am I really doing? So, despite the part of you that is going through the motions and doing all the things and keeping up with your workouts and marking it all off, if we put all of that on pause, is there an actual congruency between what you're feeling inside and what's happening outside?

Hello, Fredonia. Hello, Garner. So, a couple things I want you to keep in mind. When we ignore our needs, it causes problems. For example, it creates chronic stress. And when our needs are consistently unmet, it creates this urgency and this anxiety. In case you don't know, this anxiety is not a helpful baseline. If you're an individual that you're like, hey, I'm always a little low or I'm always a little anxious. Those are not desired baselines, but instead they're a sign that some needs in your life, probably more than one, are chronically and consistently unmet.

And as a result of unmet needs, we'll find that we stay in a state of unrest. Other things that you may notice when you ignore your needs is you resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms. So I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, and she has battled with food and weight and different challenges around that area for a while. So, lo and behold, she's in a new relationship. Found this incredible man, and, you know, they're getting along well and finding a lot of synergy on some areas. And she's like, Shareese friend, my appetite has completely changed.

And I was like, hmm, say more. And so, you know, we're still in the testing phases. But it was an interesting correlation that she could completely pinpoint that having this healthy, positive, loving relationship in her life removed the need to find love for her and comfort through food. So there are definitely times in our lives where we have behaviors and patterns that are in place that we feel like, I don't know why I'm this way. What is wrong with me? It's never a one size fits all answer, but it can absolutely be connected to unmet needs will often result in unhealthy coping mechanisms.

So reflection for you to start off is, what unhealthy coping mechanisms am I noticing in my life, if at all? Right, you decide what you would consider unhealthy. Unhealthy, based on the definition that I am kind of working off of right now, is anything that moves you away from what you say you want for yourself. And any coping mechanism that comes with consequence is unhealthy. If it's not something that you can repeatedly do without consequence, then we would consider that unhealthy. When your needs are unmet, you also are going to find that it leads to both physical and emotional exhaustion.

Tell me if this has ever happened to you. Have you ever had a season where you're like, I'm spent, I am overwhelmed, taxed. There's so many things going on, even if they're good things. And then you notice it showed up physically. So you notice that, like, it started taking your physical energy and you're like, these are good things mostly, but I'm so drained from keeping up with it all that your physical body takes a hit. And when our physical body takes a hit, guess what? Our emotional body takes a hit as well because the two are connected.

I even had that happen to me a couple weeks ago. There was a lot going on. I was moving through it the best I could. Noticed that physically I was drained and I was like, let me, you know, dial back a little bit because I don't have the energy to do what I would normally do physically, but that impacted my mental because I know that moderate state of movement that I need that gives me the endorphins that calms down my neurodivergent brain. So we have to be really cautious. Yeah. Exhausted. Even when we sleep well, we are like, I got seven, 8 hours of sleep and I'm waking up and I'm still tired.

That could be a sign of a number of things, but typically that's also a sign that we're in a season where there's too much happening and we really need to look at how we're coping with that. Are we putting other things into our life? Are we not doing the things that we need to do? How do we make those adjustments? And if you're in that season right now, thank you for your honesty. Thank you for sharing. It's okay. It happens. But our goal is to get you out of that season. We have seasons. We just don't want to stay in any of them too long.

Can you imagine if we lived in a place where there was only one season all the time? And I know that people do, but I maybe as far as I'm concerned, variety is the spice of life. I also want to acknowledge there are a few people who are saying, yes, I'm in that season, and I'm also in this place where I feel like I have no energy and drive. Explore that. How much of that is physical, how much of that is emotional and how much of that is seasonal? Many of you are likely already feeling the subtle seasonal shifts that are starting to happen.

And we do have less energy flowing through our bodies, and we're intended to have that. This season is intended to be slower because we cannot run at the same pace all the time. But we still have to know how do we thrive through that season regardless of what's happening. All right, you don't have to stay stuck, but I want you to stay aware and ask yourself what small things you can do to get yourself back to a more natural baseline for yourself. So if we think about what does it mean to honor our needs and how do we do that in a way that shows self respect, I want to give you this little four step process, and then I'm going to do a seven at seven.

Those of you who have been in my life for a while, we haven't done those in a while, and I'm like, I miss those. So we will get back to it today. But four steps to self respect, because honoring our needs on a consistent basis is actually a sign of self respect. You know that I don't really believe that there are four magical steps to everything, but it was a great way to let you know what's coming up and for you to work on remembering. Number one, reflect on what you're feeling. So if you're in a situation with yourself, a dynamic, another person, it is important for you not to ignore what you feel.

A lot of times we don't honor what we need because we don't honor what we feel. Step one, reflect on what you feel. Step two, determine what's important. Ask yourself in this season of life, when it comes to this connection or this relationship or the relationship with myself, what's important. Step three, pay attention to the details. Pay attention to the little small, subtle ways that you're noticing yourself trail off. For example, if you find that you're in a season right now where you're exhausted and you don't have the same energy and drive and motivation that you are, what are the little small cheats, as I like to call them, that are showing up in your life and then adding to how you feel and how can you address those?

And number four, step four, speak up for yourself, right? If it's involving another person, you want to speak up for your needs. Oh, things feel very different. I'm going to need to make a different change. I'm not feeling well or this is no longer working out for me. That is a significant part of honoring your needs. And maybe your speaking up for yourself isn't something that you need to do with another person. Maybe it's an internal conversation that you need to give yourself personal permission to go.

It's okay that I'm in a season right now that I feel stuck. It's okay that I'm in a season right now that I feel exhausted. It's okay that I don't feel like I have the same level of motivation and drive that I have. However, what do I want for myself and how can I move through this season in a way that I do not abandon myself? Being in the stuck season where we are struggling to honor our needs, that's not the issue. It's how we respond to the lack of energy and the lack of motivation and feeling stuck, that's where we find ourselves in a really complicated situation.

So for today's seven at seven, here are seven principles to honoring your needs. Number one, be honest with yourself and acknowledge the areas you're enduring. So today's hard truth. I don't have anything to drink, but if I did, I would sip it right now. Sometimes what we feel right now is a result of what we've chosen not to feel earlier in the year. Number one, I said, be honest with yourself and acknowledge the areas you're enduring. You're putting up with the areas that have taken everything out of you and now your tank is empty.

There are some elements of where we are that are our own faults because we haven't honored our needs in other seasons. We had all this motivation and energy, and we used it for other people and not ourselves. Number two, clarify your values and what's important and desirable in this season of life. That's a very simple process. Take some time off to the side and ask yourself, okay, what's important and desired in my life between now and the end of the year. And then allow yourself to be as honest and specific as possible with what you need.

I was talking to a friend yesterday, not that I always have it right, but it just happened to work out that way where I was like, okay, epiphany, so to speak. Here's what's important to me and what I want to focus on and what's desired between now and the end of the year. And I think that's a really great process. Of course, you can do it daily, but definitely seasonally or quarterly at the least, so that it becomes your driving force, your values. Number three, take responsibility for your actions, your choices and their consequences.

I'm going to pause. Where have your actions and your choices now created an unfortunate consequence? Maybe it's only a small consequence, but it has that potential to be larger. Maybe it feels like a really heavy consequence. That's such a difficult thing. Here's something I also want you to consider. Sometimes our actions and choices that create consequence are actually out of the goodness of our heart, where we're doing things because we thought it was the right thing to do, thought it was loving.

We thought it would be helpful to the people in our lives. And then we realized, oh, they haven't changed very much. And now I'm managing the consequences of everything I gave them that they've taken for granted. So we have to even own. We're out of the goodness of our heart, and our desire to do well for others leads to consequences that have great cost for us and then be willing to make changes. Number four, be firm in your needs and your expectations. Expectations, that's a standard, that's not a desire, right?

Be firm in your needs and expectations. What are the expectations that you have for yourself, and what are the expectations that you have for the people that you allow to take up space and to exchange energy with you in your life? And if you don't have any, that might be part of the exhaustion that you're feeling right now. Number five, abandon the habit of minimizing and invalidating your needs. That is complicated. I feel like I might even do a whole live on that. Because abandoning our needs and minimizing our needs are very historically ingrained in culture.

Depending upon your gender, depending upon your spirituality, those areas can be seen as something to esteem. A good person doesn't have too many needs. A good person knows how to push through and doesn't demand too much out of the world. Dot, dot, dot. Because too much of being that kind of good person distances you from what you need and then leaves you in a situation where you feel like you're constantly meeting the needs of other people and you can't even identify what your own needs are because you're so used to being there for other people that you feel bad about acknowledging your own needs.

So if that's you, we got some work to do. Number six, challenge feelings of guilt and shame around your dissatisfaction. If you're in a season right now and you are honestly nothing, dissatisfied with something or someone in your life, wonderful dissatisfaction can create motivation if we're willing to use it as fuel and do something about it. Being dissatisfied is not wrong, but we have to be cautious about how we view it, because a lot of times I hear this a million times a year. Well, I feel bad.

I feel like I shouldn't feel this way. I know that other people have it worse. I don't care about other people. This is not about other people. This is about you being honest about where you're not satisfied and where your needs are unmet. And as a result of that, you have turned inward. You're isolating, you're distant, you're numbing because you feel hopeless around getting those needs met. And yet those needs aren't going away. Unmet needs will be met somewhere, but where they're met and how they're met is where the consequence lies.

And number seven, treat yourself the way that you desire to be treated if you are in that stuck, low place. And part of that is because you are sitting in disappointment around the people in your life that are not honoring you and treating you the way that you want. Treat yourself right the way that you want. Great question that I'll answer as we start to wrap up. How do we really discover and define what our needs are? It is quite a process. And I'm thinking in my mind, like, do I want to do a part two of this?

I'll probably do a part two of this next week, Rachel, because I want to give it an extended dynamic. I will say that if we're really honest, we know what's missing, right. I want you to start with the things that you do in life that you feel like give you purpose, right? Because a lot of times doing things is how we find purpose and then we find a need. But I want to walk you through it next week in a more tangible manner. But I think start with identifying what gives you purpose and start with identifying what you know you don't need.

I don't need any more responsibility. I don't need x, Y and Z. And then we'll piggyback off of those things and I'll walk you through a few exercises that you can use in order to identify your needs. For those of you that made it and listened all the way through, I'm so glad that you came again. It is never lost in me that you choose to come and just show up. And remember, everything is not going to be for you. Everything that I say is not going to be for you. You find one little nugget, one thing that you feel like will be helpful in your journey, and you take that one thing and go, I just need to answer that one reflection question.

Or here are four or five things that I don't need to do all at once. But over the next month, I'm going to continue to work on these a little bit further. And so I will put here for my own timestamp as well. That will piggyback this next Wednesday with a how in the world do you identify what your needs and desires are? And we can work through that. But along the way, remember to create and treat love. I can't talk. Remember to treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Don't be mad at yourself because you don't feel the way that you feel.

Just pay attention and go. What would help me feel better that doesn't hold consequence and take action in your life? Because knowledge is not power without application. I will see you soon. Have a good one.