Rachel’s Room🛋️Preparing For Hard Conversations

Happy Wednesday, Cadre crew. Today. We are not in my room. We are in my car. I am on the go today. So Rachel's room is Rachel's car Today. Today I wanted to chat with you about preparing for hard conversations. This is something that I'm working through in therapy right now. I am typically very conflict avoidant. I struggle quite deeply to have hard conversations. I have quite a fear of rejection, a fear of being too much, a fear of being too mean. And I oftentimes will abandon myself or my needs in order to make sure that the person I'm engaging with is comfortable and okay.

And while that's coming from a place of kindness towards the other person, it actually doesn't serve them or us in the relationship, because then they don't understand what I need or how I'm feeling. And we can't. We can't create any repair from that. So something I'm working on right now in therapy is how to have harder conversations, how to engage in healthy conflict, and how to make sure that I'm still staying true to myself, my needs, while still being kind to the other person. So this is kind of like my little, like, practice of what I do.

It's sort of like. It's sort of like three steps. Ish. I just wanted to share it. I'm actually practicing this today because I had to have a hard conversation tonight that I'm incredibly anxious about. And so I'm trying to practice this today. So I'm hopeful that this is helpful for you too. So the first thing I like to do, because I'm the kind of person who, when it comes to having a hard conversation, I typically shut down. I dissociate. I struggle to stay connected to what it is I'm trying to say.

And I. And I either ramble or I start to. I kind of talk around what I'm trying to say for fear of hurting the other person's feelings. And then I don't actually ever actually say what I'm trying to say. So the first thing I do is I sort of rehearse out loud at home or journal around. Like, if I was talking to a friend about this problem, what would I. How would I describe the problem? How would I describe my feelings? And when I do that and I frame it that way, it's a lot easier for me to just express pretty freely.

This is the thing I'm annoyed about. This is what I'm upset about. This is what's making me anxious. This is why I'm confused. I'm Just telling my friend about this scenario, what's going on, and the issues I'm having internally about it. And what that allows me to do is kind of get it out so I can see, oh, these are the things that I'm upset about without filtering it through the lens of what the other person might be thinking or feeling. Once I kind of get that out, then I reflect on what's really important for me to actually communicate.

What am I really trying to say? So then I kind of ask myself, like, let's say I did make this whole ramble that I did to my friend to the person I'm having conflict with if they asked me, what are you trying to say? And I have to reflect on that and say, well, what am I really trying to say? Then I can try and hone in on, like, what is. What is actually at the crux of this? What is the thing that I really actually need to communicate? So I ask myself, like, what am I. What am I trying to say? What am I really trying to say?

And I kind of either journal on that or process on that. And that kind of helps me fine tune and hone in on a more singular, not necessarily a statement, but it kind of brings me to, like, this is the seed. This is the actual thing that I need to bring up. And then from there, obviously, a conversation can happen, but it helps me kind of focus on. Even if there's all these things in my brain that kind of get distracting and overwhelming, it helps me focus on, this is the one thing that I'm actually really trying to communicate with this person.

And then the third thing I do is I practice. So I will literally, some people do this in front of the mirror. I find it hard to do it in the front of the mirror. So I will go for a walk sometimes, and I will walk and I will rehearse what I want to say to this person. And sometimes I write out a script and then I read it over and over again. And I find that, like, writing it out or saying it out over and over helps me solidify. Okay, this is really what I'm trying to communicate. And I do that because I know that when conflict arises, I will lose myself.

I. I dissociate. I. I kind of shut down. I start to lose my sense of, like, who's me and who's the other person? Everything gets really cloudy. So if I'm not really clear on what it is I'm trying to say, I oftentimes won't say anything because I just. I just I kind of freeze. So this helps me get a grounded, practiced self knowing before entering into that conflict. And not from a place of defensiveness or a place of this is my way or this is, or, you know, nothing is going to happen, but more of a coming from a place of like, I really know what Rachel wants and needs.

I really know what Rachel's feeling. And I'm going to bring that to the table, make sure I honor that myself while remaining open to what the other person has to say, questions they might ask and where the conversation goes. So that's what I'm practicing today. I'm super anxious about having, you know, having hard conversations. It's very, it's very hard for me and I really want to get better at it because I know it's good for relationships to be able to express what I'm feeling and what I need or if I'm feeling hurt, I would like to know that from people I care about.

So if the people that I want in my life are receptive to that, the only way I'm going to find out if they're receptive to that is if I show up and I say this is something that's going on for me. So I hope that's helpful. I can try and report back on how it goes, but I might, I don't know, it might be. It might. I don't know how it's going to go, but I'm going to practice a little bit more. Today I've kind of done the whole what would I say to a friend if I was talking to him about this and figured out that this is what I'm trying to say.

And so now it's time for me to go practice. So I hope this was helpful. This will be a replay on my live as usual, on my page as usual. And next week I will be back in Rachel's actual room. And as always, if there's anything you want me to talk about, please feel free to leave comments on my lives or my videos. Always happy to address specific topics. I hope you're taking care of yourself. I hope you are resting. I hope you're taking time away from social media and the Internet and giving yourself time to be out in the world, to be with friends and community and just being really, really gentle with yourself, Sending big hugs.

And I will see you same time, different place next.