Live with Dr.Charryse 🧠: “Signs and Symptoms Of Toxic Loyalty”

Hydrosphere. It is another day, another opportunity for us to just inhale, to spend some time together and to check in with ourselves. If this is your first time here, I'm Dr. Cherise Johnson, a licensed clinical mental health therapist, mindfulness practitioner and author. I come into this space a few times a week so that we can learn and grow together, so that we can really take a look at what's the dynamic of harmony in our life. You might be thinking balance, but balance denotes that we're always able to be 50, 50 on things, and that's simply just not true.

So we want harmony. We want every part of our life playing well together and knowing that it's going to be at different times. If you think about a piano going to be on different parts of the scale. But it all sounds wonderful. Come in. Good to see you. Good morning. Jules, as you come in. Good morning, K. Leskis. I'm not. I'm just reading off of your title, Speak Wonder. Great to see you. Yes, please come in and give love not just to me, but to others who are watching. Rate your week. Let me know where you are in the world, because it makes me excited.

It makes me excited to see that we're all part of this incredible thing we call the universe. And it's a really great reminder that you're not alone. Yes, my voice sounds crazy. Good morning. Eerie PA I shouldn't say crazy. Good morning, Maria. I don't know if it's too many time zones and temperatures, could be a little exhaustion, but whatever it is, if I'm not talking loud enough, somebody please tell me. If I had to rate my week this morning, I would say, say I'm at a five. It's just been a nice midline week.

Hello, Northern Minnesota. Hello, Statesboro. But I. I have no fear that the week will end better than it started. Hello, southern New Jersey. 5. Let's go. Today I want to talk about toxic loyalty. Can I already get some hearts for the subject? Maybe you've been there before. Maybe you're in a situation right now where you are questioning, can I stay connected to this person, to this situation, to this job role, to this experience? So toxic loyalty isn't just something that is between two people.

It can be even in some ways. Let's branch out. Toxic loyalty can exist around a mindset. So what is toxic loyalty? I want to give you a definition. Let me turn my head over here because, you know, sometimes I can say things. And then in the book of Charryse, Dr. Charisse, I never Say the same thing the same way. So I want you to get this down. Toxic loyalty refers to an unhealthy form of allegiance or commitment to a person, group, organization and I'm going to add or idea Unhealthy form of allegiance or commitment to a person, group or organization or ideal that leads to negative consequences.

When you are watching someone else in a situation that demonstrates toxic loyalty or you find that you're in that situation yourself, it leads to things like, well, let's say this. It often invite involves prioritizing loyalty over critical thinking, your well being or ethical considerations. Let me say this right off the gate. Do. Do you think you've ever been in a situation where you were too loyal? Yes or Nope, not me. And I'm gonna think about that for myself. I would say yes. And it can be really challenging when you care about something.

I will give a quick story as an example while you're deciding yourself. There was a moment where A Season of Life where I was working in a job and for reference, because some of you have met me in different places. There's no one on here that I see right now who's aware of this role. So it's way, way back, way before. And you know, the loyalty started off as just general. This is something that I want to be a part of. I'm proud of the work that I do here. But things started to unfold in this organization.

So looks great on the outside. And then the more you're there and as you get a closer look on things, you start to realize, wait a minute, this is not a healthy situation. What I'm being asked to do or how I'm being asked to do it and to show up doesn't feel great. It's not in harmony with who I am. I'll give you one example. Because that was an organization where people were treated differently based on who they are. And it was noticed that I wasn't doing that. And so there was this coercion around, hey, this is the way we do things here.

You know, this group of people, essentially the rules are different for them and they are used to and they deserve a different level of experience. And I struggled with that. That was a piece that was so hard for me because I am huge on fairness and justice. Making sure that every single person that is encountering me feels like I treat them the same, no matter who they are, where they come from, what they do and what they look like. So that was just really hard. But I needed a job and I needed help, support my Family and I loved the people that I served outside of that issue, but I stayed too long.

And one thing that happens is when we are in situations that demand a level of toxic loyalty, it is painful and it deteriorates parts of who we are, sometimes our confidence, the way we think, but it's not a great situation. And then if you get out of them, because sometimes we don't, there's a lot of repair that has to be done. So I want to split this into two parts. This week we'll talk about toxic loyalty signs and symptoms. And then next week we're going to talk about how do you break free from toxic loyalty and still feel like you can foster strong relationships?

Because let's be honest, sometimes when we're in really tough relationships and then we break free out of those relationships, those ideas, those groups, those organizations, then we can have a tendency to withdraw and not want to participate with anyone else in any level of closeness. So I'm going to go through, I'll probably only get to maybe five or six signs and symptoms of toxic loyalty. And I want your participation. If you see yourself in these signs or symptoms in any level and what you think of toxic loyalty not as something that's all or none, but there's levels to it.

I'm on level one, I'm on level two, I'm on level three, then I want you to just either send some type of reaction or interaction or just put a number, a slash mark so that I know you're kind of keeping tally. So suppressing your needs and feelings, anyone ever do that? Are you a person that has ever suppressed your needs and feelings? I have. So suppressing your needs and feelings is absolutely a sign of toxic loyalty to an idea. And that idea could be one that you have. That idea could be I'm supposed to show up this way.

This is what people expect of me. So I don't want you to just look at it as toxic loyalty to a person, a group or an organization. I want us to make it personal and go, sometimes we have some habits and some mindsets. So ignoring your own emotions to avoid conflict or disappointment. If I could just. Yeah, I've done it. I don't do it with everybody, but I've done it. The second part of suppressing your needs and feelings is feeling guilty for prioritizing your well being over the expectations of others.

Right. I know. I have a big pot right here. Oat milk, creamer. Right. So those are big. I see this so often, I could probably do a whole session. Somebody Remind me just on that. Number two, the second sign and symptom that you might have some traits of toxic loyalty. Fear of speaking up so you avoid expressing your concerns or a disagreement regarding what someone is saying to keep the peace. Oh, I just want to keep the peace. I don't want anything to happen and so I'm not going to say anything or Oof, this is a big one.

I hurt just reading it. Feeling your voice doesn't matter or will be met with punishment. Red flag between you and another person, group or organization is when you feel like if you say how you really feel and what you really think, you will be punished, you will be stonewalled, you will get the silent truth treatment or it will be used against you. Has anyone ever done that to you? Right. Number three, third sign and symptom that toxic loyalty may be present in your life. Staying in unhealthy situations.

And before I give an example of this, let me say it is much more difficult. Bad grammar, but it's what I want to say this morning. It is more difficult than most people like to admit to remove yourself from an unhealthy situation. Like when I was talking about the job that I was in that became toxic. I had this ideal in my head that this was the perfect place and I was going to be there forever and it was exactly where I wanted to be. So you're grieving what you thought that situation was or who you thought that person was, or how that mindset or habit once served you.

It's like, is this really happening? No. So you talk yourself out of it. Then there's the dynamic of, well, if you leave that situation, person, organization or idea, where do you go? What's next is kind of scary because some of us, depending upon what we've been through in life, we are actually comfortable in unhealthy situations because we grew up in them. Because it's what's been around us or somewhere along the way we've believed, well, this is who I have to be in order to be loved, in order to be appreciated.

Appreciated in order to have people in my life. We sometimes believe we have to put up with certain things. So getting out of an unhealthy relationship is challenging. Even getting out of an unhealthy relationship with ourselves, I. E. Emotional eating is a relationship with ourself. Drinking is a relationship with ourself. Substance use is a relationship with ourself that isn't healthy or sustainable and can be hard to pull away from because at some point in life we feel like it was there for us.

So third, sign and symptom that toxic loyalty will be present in your life. Staying in unhealthy situations, remaining in toxic relationships, friendships or jobs despite emotional harm, or justifying the mistreatment with phrases like, they didn't mean it, it's not that bad, or here's a good one, Maybe they're just going through a hard time. How often do we say that to justify the way someone treats us? Number four, feeling trapped by obligation. So believing that loyalty means never leaving, even when the situation is damaging.

The work situation that I described was also very rooted in my personal passions and a personal life commitment to being a certain way for certain people. So there was this emotional attachment to this role and the legacy of that role that was in my family line. So it was really difficult to go, wow, this is not good for me and I'm going to have to get out of here. Another aspect of feeling trapped by obligation is feeling indebted to a person or group even when they don't reciprocate care. Here's one for you on this, and I'm actually going to stop here because I don't want to rush through these things.

Sometimes in our place of unhealthy, we attract people, groups, organizations, mindsets, and we have somebody who comes into our life as a friend, as a partner, a job, that when we're unhealthy, they seem like a stable place. They seem like everything that we need. Then we heal or start the healing process, and then we start getting better and we realize, wow, why am I here again? And it doesn't mean that we use that person. Let me say that it means that we were so trapped and caught in our own level of unhealth that we attracted what we reflected, right?

We were reflecting pain and hurt and dysfunction. So we attracted, in some circumstances, pain and hurt or dysfunction. And so we feel like they've always been there. But here's all these things that they've done that are good for me. They've given you crumbs along the way, and then it makes you feel like, man, I'm supposed to say Maria, am I? Well, stay tuned because we don't. We're gonna get through it. I will end with this thought because again, I want to break this up and I don't want us to rush through this because I believe that we experience elements of toxic loyalty in various areas of our lives without having a name for it and feeling like we're caught in a tug of war.

So also share this Share this with someone who needs to hear it. You deserve better. Right. Loyalty is a phenomenal trait when it's attached to the right people, right groups, the right organization and the right beliefs. So all I want you to do between now and next Wednesday is I just want you to start paying attention. Right. Oh, Maria. To where you're seeing that you're suppressing your needs and feelings, that you're fearful of speaking up. You hesitate to say what's on your mind, or you think it over and over.

You think through it, trying to say it the perfect way. Notice where you're staying in an unhealthy situation and justifying what hurts you and being mistreated. And anywhere in your life where you feel trapped, obligation. I'm not saying that you have to do anything, but I do want you to notice and I want you to pay attention. And then I want you to come back and let's keep working through this. And then let's get to the part where we talk about how do we remove ourselves from those moments. As always, I'm so glad that you chose to come.

I always hope that you find at least one thing that can be helpful to you or someone you love. Sometimes you're going to listen to things and it's not for you, but then you're going to see another person and you're going to go, oh, my goodness. This is exactly what we were just talking about on Godre. All right, please take care of yourself. And I'm back on track in terms of my travel schedule. So we're back on rhythm. I will see you all on Sunday. Have a good one.