Rules of Engagement

Good morning, Cadre. Good morning. Welcome to my semi messy, semi unpacked, semi not unpacked, humble abode. It is Tuesday, it's 11 o' clock here in Silver Spring, Maryland. It's 10 o' clock everywhere in the central time zone. And I hope you're doing well. I hope you had a good week. We're thinking about balance this week. Good morning. S M Z O B Z Simzobs, good morning, welcome. If you have any thoughts about balance, Andi Mac, welcome. If you have any thoughts about balance, please put them in the chat.

I have my own thoughts. Happy Tuesday to you too. Happy Tuesday, everybody. We're thinking about balance this week, like all in the Cadre sphere and thinking about in June, we're thinking about balance and this week we're thinking about work, life, balance. And long ago somebody offered me this. I think it was a therapist, But I'm not 100% sure. And it really helped me that I do not strive Good morning, Nikki. That I do not strive for work, life balance. I will strive for work life harmony. And not just work and life.

Right. I strive to harmonize the different elements of my life. My healing and my growth. I try to infuse in everything I do because everything is an opportunity to learn more and grow more and heal more. The things that wound me are often just hitting places I'm already vulnerable. So they're just highlighting a place where I get to do some healing. Often that's true because there are things that wound me that don't wound other people. First of all, good morning. Speak. Wonder. Right? Sip, jot.

I like that. Good morning. There are things that wound me that don't wound other people. And when you talk to people who go through the same experience, what's hard about it for me is often different than what's hard about it for you. And that goes to where have I been hurt before that I haven't healed? Things that's created a vulnerability. Why did I bring that up? Who knows? But I. I am thinking about work, life, harmony. I am thinking about it's never going to be fully balanced, but are they working together?

I remember what not to wear the first go round. There's a new go round, which I really like with Stacy and Clinton. But in the first go round, they would always say, it doesn't have to match, it just has to go. It doesn't have to match, it just has to go. It doesn't have to balance, it just has to harmonize. It just has to work together in really important and Key ways. So I have a couple rules of engagement that I thought of that really tackle that. Rule of engagement number three. And this is truly something I say to myself all the time.

And especially right now when I am rewriting my business plan and getting to relaunch something, when I have just moved in here and we have the basics down, but it's not like a home yet. There's still stuff sitting around we have to make decisions about. The decision fatigue of moving in somewhere is remarkable. I'll just say that. So I really do say this to myself all the time, which is this. You can do everything. You just can't do it all at once. I will repeat that rule. Engagement number three, you can do everything.

You just can't do it all at once. And for me, I think about that today, right when on my plate is, you know, I'm meeting with a coaching client later this afternoon. I have already worked out. I have a zucchini bread recipe I have. I have created or asked to be created that I'm going to try. That's probably later tonight. Gosh. Decision fatigue really is a thing. So I can do all those things. I just can't do them all at once. And part of what happens for me when I am overwhelmed is it's hard for me to decide what to do next.

And so often I remember this is not even one of the two I was going to talk about today. For me, the choice is not between doing the most most important thing on my list and the second most important thing on my list. Often it's a choice between doing nothing and doing something and so just keeping moving. That came up in my meditation this morning. The message to myself about today, because I have disparate things to do from different parts of my life, right. And they need to harmonize. The message today was just keep moving.

Just keep doing things. You don't have to do them in the exact right order. You don't have to do the top most important thing right away. Although yesterday I did, because I knew if I didn't do it right away, it wouldn't get done. There's a thousand ways to get it right, which we talked about. I can do everything. I just can't do it all at once. But I also think about that when I'm setting goals. You know, I do a very elaborate. Not elaborate, it's not elaborate, but I do a very intentional, focused, concentrated goals process at the end of every year.

And then I revisit those goals throughout the year. I'm a big Goals, person. And when I create my lists for the year, I understand that some of them I won't even start until July. Right. That. And maybe we can talk about that sometime if you're interested. I keep. I have 24 and 24, 24 and 24, 25 and 25. For work, for fun, and for other. Basically, yes, the nothing something is. I have a very well developed freeze response. It's. It's. You know, I went through a bunch of trauma as a young person.

Like, you know, horror movie trauma as a young person. And so my impulse is just stop, freeze, look around, see what we can do. Right. The overwhelm, it's just too much to take in. I just shut down. I did a lot of compartmentalizing, all that stuff. And so for me, the first order of business is to just get unfrozen. However I can figure it out. And then the wheels start turning and I can go from there. And I don't think I'm the only one. I don't think I'm the only one. I think you all have that, too.

So I can do everything, but just not all at once. When I was in office and I was thinking, I want to write a book for white people someday, I was like, I can do everything. I just can't do it all at once. Just keep some notes. And of course, that book proposal is with my agent right now. Right. Right now is a season of moving in. So there are some things I'm not going to do, but since we've already moved in, there are some things that went back on the table. Like, every year I try and go to New York to see my friend Julia, and we go to see plays on Broadway because she loves to do that.

Her partner isn't as much into the plays, and I love them, so we just do that. This will be our third year, I think. And I couldn't even think about planning that when we were in the middle of moving. But as of this morning, I'm gonna go see her at the end of July. Nikki, I can't wait for you to read my book. But in the absence of interest from publishers so far yet, it'll happen, but not yet. I am actually gonna be teaching some online classes based on what I've learned, because life's too short to keep that bit of wisdom to stay tuned.

So I can do everything, but just not all at once. That's one of them. Rule of engagement number seven. I don't think I've ever talked about it here before, and it's a really important one to me. Even though I don't fully understand what it means, it really deserves a place on my list. So number seven is be a center of gravity. Be a center of gravity. And again, one of the reasons I like this as a rule of engagement for myself is because it has so many layers. Be a center of gravity inside myself.

Make sure that I have my center. That's what my spiritual time is for. That is what reflection time is for. That is what working out for me is for. I mean, just be a center of gravity. Have one inside of myself and then be a center of gravity in my own life. Make sure my life is revolving around me and not revolving around other people. Ordering my life around other people. I am not being of service to other people. Being in community with other people, being close to other people, thinking about other people is super important to me.

I don't mean be self centered. I mean make sure that my life is revolving around who I am and not other people. Because that for me, the fastest place to being unhealthy is to think only about what other people need and not put myself into that equation. Right? Be a center of gravity in my own life and then I take it to a ring outward. In the situations I find myself, do my best to be a center of gravity. Not the center of attention, not self centered, not oh, look at me, look at me. Although sometimes that's fine, actually.

But what I mean by that is in recovery, we have a saying, a program of attraction rather than promotion. 12 step programs function. It's one of our traditions. It's one of our foundations. We are a program of attraction, not promotion. I'm not going to go around standing on a corner with pamphlets trying to get you to join a 12 step program. That's not how that works. Right. What I get to do is live my life in such a way that people want what I have. Live and then live my sober life in such a way that when people witness it and they think to themselves, I may have a problem with substances or alcohol, what do I do?

I am. She's got a life that looks pretty good. Maybe getting sober is not the worst thing to do. A program of attraction. And that's because I am a center of gravity in my own life. It's less attractive to look at someone who is constantly. I don't know about y' all. You know the book, the Giving Tree? I just want to get that tree a therapist. That tr. That tree needs Cadre. That's what that tree needs. That tree needs Cadre. Because if that kid shows up wanting me to chop myself down for him, I'm like, oh, h*** no.

It's a like, what not to do. But people love the Giving Tree. And if you're one of them, bless your heart, you're getting something out of it that I do not get out of the Giving Tree. But for crying out loud, if that tree were a center of gravity in its own life, it would give the things that are replenishable. Give the leaves, give the fruit, give the acorns. But don't start like, chopping off your branches like, oh, Giving Tree. I just want to give it a hug and then I want to take that kid to therapy.

Because why would you keep asking someone you love to destroy themselves for you? Why would you keep asking someone you love to destroy themselves for you? I am an addict. I am here to tell you if I were using and you were in my life, I would be asking you to destroy yourself for me. And it would be helpful to me if you didn't. If you went to Al Anon instead and put limits and boundaries and reflected me back to myself in such a way. Unique perspective on the Giving Tree. It needs a sequel. Oh, I don't know that it can have a sequel from the little stump.

I guess maybe it grows something out of the little stump. Yes, they are welcoming, but not soliciting. Right? I don't proselytize 12 steps. If you want to get sober, great. If you find some other way to relate to alcohol that is works in your life, great. If you don't and you want to know how I do it, let me know. Let me know. But being a center of gravity also matters in the work that I do with white people. Right? There isn't a center of gravity for white people around racial equity at the moment, as far as I can tell.

Surge, I think, is coming close. I'm a big fan of Surge showing up for racial justice. It's the largest organization for white people in the country, certainly maybe the world, organizing white people on behalf of our own freedom. That's why I love Surj so much, is they understand that this is about us and our own liberation, our own freedom. That allyship is a tool, not the goal. Anyway, in my work, helping create that center of gravity is important. And if I think it's self centered to do that, or ooh, I think I'm so important by doing that, then I am shortchanging everybody who could benefit from what I have to offer in that arena.

So what does that have to do with work, life balance, work, life, harmony? I think being a center of gravity in my own life means I have to start with the center of gravity inside me and move to the center of gravity in my own life. And if those are in place, I can start being a center of gravity in the communities in which I find myself, like recovery. And then I can think about healthily and effectively being a center of gravity in my chosen field. But if I try and be a center of gravity in my chosen field, then I am not a center of gravity in myself.

If I don't have that harmony going on, it's not going to go too well. It's one of the reasons I spent two straight years working on anxiety, because I was not in good enough shape to put myself out in the world that way. I wasn't again. Right. Being mayor was the gift of a lifetime, and I learned so much. And it also asked a great deal of me and it put a spotlight on some places that I still had to grow and learn. And I really took that invitation seriously and spend some time doing that. But I'm ready to go out in the world again.

And so that's what my planning is. So that's what I want to offer to you in terms of balance and in terms of work life balance. I want to offer you work life harmony. Things need to harmonize. The parts of my life need to harmonize with each other, but who I am gets to harmonize with those parts. If who I am is in harmony with myself, it is easier to find that harmony in the rest of my life. So, one, I offer that. Two, you can do everything. You just can't do it all at once. I spend Fridays planning my subsequent week in some detail and the week after that in loose detail, over and over and over again.

And I have a whole list so that I. Decision fatigue we were talking about, so that I don't have to make so many decisions day by day about what to do. I have decisions in place and I just do those things. That works for me. Your mileage may vary. I can't do everything. I can do everything. I just can't do it all at once. So let's plan it out to see how much I can do and stay healthy, stay moving forward. Part of what I plan are the things that help me stay healthy. Recovery meetings, workouts, rest, et cetera.

And then finally, be a center of gravity. Rule of engagement number seven, be a center of gravity inside yourself, in your own life, in your community. And in the world. Right. And then we will centers of gravity attract things to them. Right. We attract people, opportunities, etc to us. When we are harmonized with ourselves, that helps us be a center of gravity. So. And you know, the extra that you got was my perspective on the Giving Tree and wanting to get both the child and the tree into therapy because that it's like.

Like if it's like a prequel to the book Codependent no more. So that's what I got for you this week. I'll be back next week talking about balance in different ways, but please find me on the app. I am there. I love to talk about all of this stuff. If you have special requests, things you want to think about or hear about, let me know. If you have a number. If you just want to toss out a number between one and like 35, let me know because then I can just talk about that rule and engagement and how does it relate to the topic.

But have a great week, Cadre. I love being here with you. I love the community we're creating here. Hello Amar, I just responded to you on LinkedIn yesterday, so I hope things go well for you. We're over time. I'm just so excited to be here, but we'll talk again next week. Have a good one everybody and enjoy your week before the weekend.