Sober Not Somber Hour

Hello, hello. Happy Tuesday. Welcome, welcome. It is sober, not somber hour, which is my philosophy on sobriety. After 11 years of being alcohol free, at some point I realized that a sober life should be a celebrated life. And it isn't often that happens in today's society. So I am here, I'm here for you. I'm here to drink amazing non alcoholic cocktails with you and savor that experience. Hi, Amar. Welcome in. Okay, so today I'm drinking a fresh steeps. This is a nitro tea. It is created locally in Minneapolis here by my dear friend Vince La Palooza.

It is called Recover. He's got two other blends. This is a hibiscus tea blend and it's caffeine free hydration and it is so steamy miserable. So I'm pouring myself a little fresh steeps, Recover and we're gonna have a conversation while I savor this beverage. So yeah, today is August 19th. All the Cadre contributors have been talking about savoring in the month of August. So previous two sessions, if you tuned in, was talking about just the idea of savoring, like the definition of it. So really slowing down to experience something and.

Oh, Carrie's in here. Cool, cool. I see what you did there. Yeah. Carrie Pickering and I are doing a little session tonight at 7pm live in Cadre on savoring relationships without alcohol as the third party. And it is an interactive session where anyone can join and either listen in or you know, talk about where maybe substance use or alcohol has shown up in a relationship and the impact of that, taking a look at some of the real hard truths. And between Carrie and I, with lived experience in this area, we're going to get vulnerable and share a little bit about what that looked like for us in active addiction and then also how we moved into some better places, understanding how, you know, by removing alcohol, our relationships can be so much better.

Yeah, my dog's here. Speaking of savoring relationships, he's. You can always kind of, if you notice, I'm like petting him in the background. He's. He is ready to go out for the day. But without further ado into the topic today, and this will be a little precursor of what Carrie and I will share tonight. It's about savoring relationships. And today my share is a little bit more along the Cadre theme that everyone's chatting about this week, which is really about this people pleasing like giving and relationships and receiving.

So as in any relationship dynamic, and I'm speaking, you know, for myself, but as in Any relationship dynamic, things should ebb and flow. As a giver and a receiver in a relationship, I find it entirely impossible and impossible to not be completely draining if you are only playing the role of the people pleaser and the person who is giving in a relationship. So drop in the chat if you had to say. And we're just, let's talk, let's. Let's just think about our most significant relationships. Whether it's you're a caretaker in that situation or an intimate relationship or a really solid relationship that you look to in general, what role do you gravitate toward?

Are you more of the people pleasing type or are you more apt to be on the receiving side of things? I'd love to hear. It was pretty challenging. Take a look at some of my own relationships and realize how much giving I did. And I also want to prompt that, you know, the idea of people pleasing and giving is like this martyred kind of role that, you know, I say that about myself, but it's not. It doesn't come from a place of maybe giving in a healthy way. So it's possibly giving or people pleasing to keep someone in a relationship or keep someone else happy.

And you know what, I realized this firsthand, that this type of behavior is at your own expense. So in a recent relationship, thinking about the ways that I showed up, giving, giving, and always thinking about how is the other person, you know, are they happy? What can I do for them? And one of the things that stood out to me is that how easy it is to lose your own perspective and even what you actually need in the relationship, how quickly that goes to the wayside. If you are not in the mindset of I can ask for my needs, right?

It's a safety, a place of safety in a relationship where you can actually say, I actually have some needs here that need to be met and to be unapologetic about that and let the other person respond to that. That's the ebb and flow of the balance that I think is essential in a relationship. And if I'm talking about a, you know, recent relationship, I'm thinking about that didn't exist to the extent that it probably should have. So giving and, you know, people pleasing, and it can be on both sides of the relationship.

Both people can be giving so much that no one's slowing down to either receive what the other person has to offer or to like, savor that. Savor that. You could be an incredible place for to give something to someone, but then to have them receive it. I Don't know. I'd like to take off the people pleasing label myself. It's a frustrating one to discover that I've fallen into in many areas of my life. I'm kind of done with that. So I'm looking for models that are healthier, that allow me to savor being in a relationship and to sort of step back from giving and people pleasing and allow someone to give something to me and have me receive it without attachments or guilt or oh, I should be in this place where I don't need this thing from this other person.

Well, that's the beauty of a relationship and how you can get support from another human in such a special way that you actually do kind of start to grow from that because you're not always in people pleasing anxiety mode in that relationship. So I think one of the things I have learned, and I'd be interested to see what others have learned if they have shifted or tried to shift out of this people pleasing mode in certain situations. How do you do that? How do you do that? I think there's some practices that I can suggest.

I have a couple of them that I'm thinking of. And this probably started 10 or so years ago when I became aware of the people pleaser in me. I really started to learn to accept compliments except when people wanted to share or give something to me. Just sitting in the space of thank you. Why is that so hard sometimes? Why do we have to. Oh, yes, but this, this, this. No. Sitting in the space of receiving and savoring that moment where someone saw you and you felt, seen and heard. You should really, you know, work into understanding that dynamic if you have not.

So I do feel like I have a little experience there and I would share that. The other thing with people pleasing that I find I completely do. And I've, I've said this is like part of my upbeat personality is that I'm really spontaneous and if someone asks me to do something, likely I'll be like, sure, I will do that. But when I've started practicing over the last month or so, when faced or, you know, presented with an opportunity or an invitation, I really do try to pause more, and especially because I'm overly sensitive and emotional.

Over the last month, just moving through this relationship breakup that I've had, it really is like, do I want that? Do I want to do this thing someone has invited me to? I'm really thinking hard about that. And in the past I might have just been like, well, sure, this person, you know, wants me to Go with them to an event or, you know, I just be like, yes. So I think those are some of the things that can help change the people pleasing dynamic and remove yourself from that if that is a tendency that you have.

And the other thing that I, I will always say this and I don't know how much y' all are into astrology, but as a cancer sun with a nurturing vibe, Capricorn Moon, who's very structured and like structured in action and then a Gemini rising, which is my outward appearance to the world, which is very social and it's very communicative. Um, I have found that in order to stop people pleasing as much that I need to voice that in conversations with friends and community. So if you've ever done that, let me know, put it in the chat.

Yes, I have confessed my people pleasing ways to a friend and found help or solace in that. I would say so many of us at any given point, it's hard to say black or white if we are. But that dynamic does come up. We've all probably people pleased in our life. So I think awareness obviously is key, but then talking through with a trusted friend or therapist about, or coach about how you actually personally how that shows up for you could be in a specific relationship. And I have found that, that it has been the most helpful because it's like stuff you don't want to see, you don't want to see it.

You don't want to see that you are giving so much of yourself. And then to look back and realize, oh, that was maybe too much. I may be people please. To the point of not getting my own needs met. And that's not healthy, folks. That is not healthy. So again, as I close, I'm going to mention Carrie Pickering and I's collab tonight. Nikki Millette is going to be joining us. We're going to be talking about savoring relationships at 7pm CST. So just log into Cadre and access the link and it's really.

We're going to get into it. We're going to get into a little bit of this dynamic between the people pleasing piece of it giving and receiving, but also the substance use and what that does when it shows up in a relationship. I always call it the third party. Not welcome. So join us tonight. Thank you so much for tuning in to Sober Not Samba hour repping Urban Wing, which is a sauna company. I'm going to be at the fair, the Minnesota State Fair on Thursday. Come say hi. Sauna is a great piece of my healing.

And you've probably already heard me talk about that at length, so. So, Na. Cheers. Thanks, Vince, for the fresh steeps. And have a fantastic evening, everyone. And I am off to walk my dog. Hi.