Harbor Pilots in Safe Waters

I'm in the live stream in the contrast fear as we'd like to say here in this wonderful app that has become family to me. My name is Kathy and I go by speak wonder and if you would send me a heart or an emoji or a hand wave, something maybe a flower to let me know that you're here. It is Thursday caregiver day and in the interest of safety, that's how I'd start with the critter control that's been going on here in my apartment in Northwestern Pennsylvania on a 40 acre tribe where critters like to slip in unnoticed.

I Nikki, thanks for joining. Yeah, they're not safe here. Critters, that is. Yeah, so I found a mouse on the kitchen floor and he was as surprised to see me as I was to see him. So we had a quick little conversation. I said you're not welcome here and you need to go. He seemed to understand my sentiment because he kind of froze right there and I was able to have the presence of mine and the physical quickness to grab one of my plastic containers and put it over top of him and I slipped this piece of cardboard underneath of him and I carried him outside on feet with wings.

I carried him outside and tossed him over the fence so he kept his life and I kept my sanity so to speak. We did have an understanding and as I tossed him over the fence, flailing about his little mouth with big eyes, I said don't come back. This is your home and you need to stay out here in the fields. Yeah. Spiders weren't so lucky. Those got squished. I know they serve a purpose but I just can't bring myself to go through the hoops to catch a spider and hope that I can get it outside before I freak out.

It is fall y'all and where I live in actually the heart of Erie, Pennsylvania it's a very rural street where I live. I said I think I mentioned already at the beginning of this live on 40 acres of woods and fields and there will be crit ters and they will find their way in when it gets a little nippier at night and they are looking for food or shelter. So I have this non-negotiable rule in my house that if you have four feet and you're not my dog, you're out here and I will carry you out one way or another.

I'll add to say critters are not safe in my apartment. They're going to find another quick exit and hopefully not an entrance again. Okay. So safety. Irma Bombek, if you remember her, she was a blogger before there was blogging. She had a column in the 70s and I think in the 70s and 80s, I believe we lost her in the 90s and she left a legacy of words, words of wisdom, of comfort, of understanding and very relational writer, very relational. Just talking about ordinary life and we could all relate.

Thanks Nikki. I am a brave one. Are you kidding? I really am brave. Oh and my son-in-law is a bug guy. He's a professional pest control person. So if I have to, I will bring in the big guns and I'll have him come over. But I don't think we have an epidemic. I think we had just a wannabe tenant that got evicted quickly. And it's so funny because my dog Gracie could care less. She could care less. She was not even a part of that drama yesterday with me skittering around trying to get this live mouse out of the house.

I keep looking at the spot where I saw him. There will not be more. Back to Irma. Irma bomb back was a funny funny lady. Shannon Paul, when you come on this afternoon on the cadre as a comedian and as a mom of a kid on the spectrum and a funny funny lady. I wonder if you remember Irma. You know, I discovered her in the 70s and I was a teenager. I wasn't even out of high school at that point. And I loved her writing. But I didn't start relating to it truly until recently. And I found this article that she wrote in I think 78 maybe.

And I love it. I absolutely love it as a caregiver of an elderly mom. May I please have your permission to read it to keep your laughing . Oh, what can I do? I live alone. I have to figure out what to do about these critters. And just one more bunny trail having to do with mice and moles who try to come in here every fall and winter. There might be more. You know why? Because right outside that window, that kitchen window. There's construction. There's going to be a gas station and a mini mart, which it'll be nice for me, I guess.

You know, I can get milk and eggs, loaf of bread, please share. All I was going to share is that there might be a mass exodus, especially the digging things, you know, moles dig, moles and bowls dig little tunnels. And they're being uprooted from their dwelling place over there. So I don't know if they're going to make a path for my place. If that mouse gets to them and tells them that their shelter and bits of food on the floor, they'll be coming in and I'll be taking them out. Irma Bond back. She writes, "When did I become the mother and the mother become the child?

So relatable for me, perhaps for you in the caregiving picture. I don't know what kind of caregiving picture you may be in or headed for or have left in your past. But this helped me understand a little bit about the role reversal of parent and child, which does happen when our parents are aging, whether we're giving them care or not in the physical realm or the supportive realm. There is a role reversal and I thought that this would play into our theme of safety for the month of September. "When did I become the mother and the mother become the child?"

writes Irma. "Does it begin one night when you're asleep and your mother is restless and you go in her room and tuck the blanket around her bare arms? Does it appear one afternoon when in a moment of irritation you snap? How can I give you a home permanent if you won't sit still? Or did it come the rainy afternoon when you were driving home from the store and you slammed on your brakes and your arms sprang protectively between her and the windshield? And your eyes met with a knowing look, a knowing sad look of recognition.

The transition comes slowly as it began between her and her mother. So now Irma is not only talking about herself and her own mom, but going back to the generation before with her mom and her grandma. The changing of power, the transferring of responsibility, the passing down of duty. Suddenly you are spewing out the familiar phrases learned at the knee of your mother. Of course you're sick, don't you think I know when you're not feeling well? So where's your sweater mom? You know how cold the stores get with the AC.

Mom you look very nice today didn't I tell you that you'd like that dress? Did you take your nap this morning? And on the parents part rebellion. I've heard this from my mom you guys rebellion. I'll thank you to let me make my own decisions, honey. I know when I'm tired stop treating me like some kind of a child. But that's exactly what has happened, writes Irma, slowly almost imperceptibly. So you bathe and pat dry the body that once housed you. You spoonfeed the lips that once that once kissed your cuts and bruises and made them all better now.

You never really thought it would be like this. Then one day while riding with your daughter, she slams on her brakes and her arm flies out instinctively in front of you. My so so soon. That's the love cycle of a family . And then Irma Bombay concludes her essay with these words. Don't despise your parents when they're older. Accept appreciate and affirm them. Honor your mother and father. I'm gonna lift out one phrase that just really landed right in my heart. You bathe and pat dry the body that once housed you.

I used to do bathing for mom when she still lived at the house before she moved to the nursing home. Some powerful things that go on in relationships as they morph and change and adapt and accept and recognize the aging body and the role reversal of parent and child is a natural occurrence not always a comfortable one but it's also a loving transaction between carer and caregiver. Irma Bombay's voice still ringing true in her hearts long after she wrote this essay. Safety. Safety. It is instinctive to put her arm in between our loved one and the windshield.

I was taking care of a four-year-old and her toddler brother the other day my grands. Oh my goodness my one job was to keep the boy alive. He's 15 months old and he climbs like a little goat. Climes. Climes and climbs. And so I felt like my whole job that afternoon was to keep him from the stairs even though there's a baby gate he is strong and he walks over there in his little toddler strut and he shakes the gate like I'm going up those stairs and I'm faster than my Omar and he knows it too. Safety.

Safety. The literal throwing of her arm between the child and the thing that's dangerous or the parent and the thing that is scary and it's figurative as well. There are layers of safety we can offer our loved ones that are not really in the physical realm but in conversation we can offer a safe space to talk and to discuss things. My mom and I her name's June June Bug is what they call her at the at the care home. Thanks Nikki yes except and recognize the loving transaction. It's layers of things isn't it?

That we don't even necessarily absorb in the moment but in reflection we can honor that we can honor our parents in that way and those with whom we spend time and show love and protection and give space for good conversation. So last night on the telephone I just offered this up I said mom did you ever imagine that you're three kids? You're three kiddos would be in their 60s and 70s. I'm the youngest just saying. And she paused and she said this is her wit at work. She said oh honey I don't get it I don't see how you kids can be that old when I'm this young.

She's so funny. She's 94 but she has a young point of view and a very elastic heart that makes room for all kinds of funny things serious things deep conversations and sometimes uncomfortable moments and I've learned to sit with the silence as she processes some of my questions. And we do have very meaningful talks together whether it's on the phone in the evenings before bedtime or in person. So good to have you here on the live and I hope you'll return to the replay or you're maybe later playing this on replay.

To conclude things today I'm going to read a poem I wrote and it seems very apropos for safety in September. And since I love the harbor and I love the boats and I live near the vastness and the blue and the green that is Lake Erie I wrote this poem titled Harbor Poets. A winds wept voice is calling me beneath the clouds across the sea my spirit aches to hear it sing in velvet tones all feathery away from port no harbor light the darkest hour of the night I feel the lurching of my boat I feel my throat constrict with fright I clutched the ropes my vessel stalls deep waters heave up salted walls like groaning of the towering mast sings to the sky I feel so small that distant voice now fills the air a melody of trust and care crescendoing I'll bring you home the harbor see it's over there the humming of a little boat becomes my symphony of hope defying waves and fog and mist it sings me home and win some notes a harbor poet in my storm a vision on the cusp of mourn a comrade saying stay the course you're not alone though your care worn your harbor poets shelter you they know what you are going through you're safe inside the cadre sphere these humans are your ready crew I speak wonder written on August 15th of 24 so a little over a year ago you know we set the course but the wind has a mind of its own we chart our route but the waves have their own language they will churn when they will they will be soft and glassy when they wish we make plans and then the sky and the lake and the conditions decide but we can stay the course because we do have our comrades I'm so fond of telling you about harbor pilots a real job where the boat goes out and helps the big vessel come in safely to harbor and I just did a little adjustment of that phrase harbor pilot and made it harbor poet because your comrades are in other boats and they want to sail you safely home we all want to sail each other safely home to port we are all minstrels and troubadours and street buskers singing each other home calling each other into safe harbor may you have victory in your caregiving may you have safety most of all may you experience encouragement from the folks here who come on the cotter sphere we'll see you next week yeah send the poem Nikki thank you