I Couldn't Stop at Just One

Hey Cadre family, Dr. Keri here. I want to delve into the topic of addiction a little bit more today and tell you what has worked for me in this space and specifically I'm talking about my sex and porn addiction and alcohol addiction. Now, I really, honestly, I felt disqualified to talk about this topic because I'm not the type of person that drank every single day from sunup to sundown. I did not sell my body to have sex. I, you know, like I've struggled with an addiction, but it doesn't look like that severe form of addiction that you see in the movies.

So I immediately disqualified myself from talking about this because I'm not as well versed in addiction as somebody who has literally battled their life with this. But I realized that even though I didn't have that I don't know if you want to call it severe form of addiction, I still had an addiction to sex, porn and alcohol. And I can still provide some tips on this topic because it is something I still battle with, believe it or not. I definitely credit God and my faith for helping me break off these addictions, but it is still something that comes up for me on a semi-regular basis because it's still pretty fresh for me.

About a year ago, I was to the point of drinking almost every single day. Actually, no, I was drinking every single day in the evenings and heavy enough that I got tipsy. And let me tell you, that is not a healthy use of alcohol to sit at home by yourself and get tipsy every single night of the week. So even in that space, I definitely abused it. Whether you want to call that an addiction or not, I was abusing it. So this is very recent for me. Also about a year ago, same timeframe is when I really started having a lot of guilt with having basically meaningless sex and realizing that I am doing this so that I can feel good.

And it's really not in the end helping me because both substances for me, both of my quote addictions were basically a means to help numb and make me feel good. So even though that feel good was very temporary, I use those substances or those things to help me avoid negative emotions. And I just want to speak a little bit about what it took for me to overcome those, because I can tell you I recently went through a very stressful time with my job. when I left my job and I've endured kind of a toxic culture at my work in some senses, and it definitely made me come home and say, oh my gosh, I could really use a glass of wine.

And I know people say that and they don't struggle with abusing alcohol, but really are using alcohol for the purpose that it's intended to if you're saying, oh my gosh, I really need a drink. Probably not, right? You're taking that substance and you're using it to numb whatever emotions are coming up for you. So I know that might be triggering for some of you. I know you might not think of it that way. But that's the way I view substances because I don't want to be dependent on anything. I don't want to seek a substance to make me feel good or avoid something or avoid a negative emotion.

I want to work through that emotion. And that's been one of the things I've had to do as I've broken off these addictions is really making that conscious choice of oh my gosh, I really want to drink right now. And instead of giving myself that permission of it's just one glass of wine. And I'm to the point where I can stop at one glass of wine. I couldn't for a while there stop at one I was drinking five. But I'm to that point where I could just have one glass of wine and drink it slowly and maybe not even feel buzzed, but maybe I'd feel just a little bit relaxed.

But I make that conscious choice. When that thought comes into my head, oh my gosh, I could really use a glass of wine. My next thought is, why am I saying that? What's going on inside of me that my brain is going, oh, that coping mechanism, it worked so well for me for so long. Why am I going there? What's going on inside of me? And that's when I really start to check in with my body and figure out where is that emotion coming from? And this was a technique I actually learned in therapy to sit with my emotions and really allow myself to feel them and go, okay, so what's coming up for me right now that's making me want to have a glass of wine?

Because I know I'm not going to have that glass of wine for the right reason. I know I'm not going to drink it because I actually like the taste of wine, which I do, or that I'm enjoying this with friends. I'm wanting that glass of wine because I want to numb, I want to escape, and I just want to relax because maybe what I'm feeling right now is anxiety. anxiety feeling and I want some great dopamine release. Same thing with watching porn, same thing with desiring sex outside of marriage. I definitely still have those cravings and I don't act on them.

But there might be a day where I do end up acting on it and I might choose to masturbate. And I know I'm getting real vulnerable and really real with you guys right now, but I just want to let you know that by making that decision to have one glass of wine or to masturbate doesn't mean that I need to be ashamed, doesn't mean that I need to stay in that place of shame. It just means that I need to make a better choice next time. because that's the whole point of addiction. It gets you stuck in a shame spiral.

And I'm gonna talk more about the topic of shame in other videos because there's so much to unpack with that topic. But I just wanna let you know that if you make one mistake, if you wanna call it a mistake, or if you make that choice to give in to that substance or that unhealthy coping mechanism, that it's okay because we make mistakes, we're human. It's okay. And I sometimes consider it like, oh my gosh, I have lustful thoughts and I want to act on them, or I have thoughts of wanting to drink and I want to act on them.

And by having the thought, I'm already making the mistake. Not really. No, I don't want to have those thoughts, but it's the action that really is the mistake and by overcoming those thoughts, is a win. And I've recently shifted my mindset on this because I can say like, oh my gosh, that thought came in that I want to go have a glass of wine because I want to relax and now I should just give into it because I'm already in that mental space. But by saying, no, I'm actually going to choose to not do that right now, that's a huge win for somebody that has struggled with abusing a substance or an addiction by just switching your mindset that one time, even if you make the mistake every other time, One time is a win.

And I want to encourage you in this space, and granted, you might think I'm not the most qualified to talk on the space of addiction, and sometimes I wonder if I am, but I know that by shifting that mindset, it has worked for me. by saying, I'm going to make the choice today to not give in and drink that glass of wine and I'm going to go for a walk instead and I'm going to call a friend and I'm going to talk about what I'm feeling or I'm going to go watch a funny movie. I'm going to do something else that is not detrimental to me and that's not going to take me down that shame spiral.

So I would encourage you to just shift your mindset on that. If you're struggling with having temptations for an addiction, even if it's something that you don't struggle with anymore, just by making that choice one time by saying, I'm not giving into that temptation and I'm going to choose to not numb my emotions with that substance, you're winning. You're winning. And it's more of doing that that's going to keep you on the path to being able to really overcome that addiction. just starts with one day, one time making that choice to switch your mindset and say I'm not gonna give in to that today.

So I hope that was encouraging to you. Have a great one guys. God bless.