When They're Missing the Mark

Hey, Cadre, family doctor Carey here. I want to talk about some recent experiences I've had and just the learning opportunities that have come out of this. Three times in the last week, I have picked up the phone and was basically going to tell the other person on the line, these are the things you've done wrong. This is what you can do to be better. And fortunately, the people that I've called are very open to feedback. They love growth. They're those types of people that are like your favorite coaching clients, right?

They have self growth, opportunity, any chance they can get. But something convicted me when I got them on the phone and I said, how are you doing? What's going on with you? Because I realized that in each instance that I had the opportunity to do this with these three, three different individuals, that they were not showing up as their best self. And by me asking, what's going on with you, gave me so much more information and insight. Enable the ability then to give them grace and forgive them for maybe any minor infractions they had done against me and also then be able to give them the feedback in the way that they needed it.

And sometimes in those moments on the phone call, I felt really convicted to not give them feedback. And other times the feedback was delivered then in a much kinder, gentler way because I had more of a framework for what was going on in their situation. And I think back to when I used to manage a team of nurses and I used to oversee different projects, and this was not how I used to operate. I used to come at people with feedback, you're not meeting the mark, you're not doing this. This is the expectation.

Like, people almost feared me as their leader on a project or their manager, because they're like, well, I know what's expected of me and I know that if I don't do my job, I'm going to hear about it. And unfortunately, or fortunately, whichever way you want to look at it, that was honestly kind of how I was raised with that mentality of like, you're not meeting the mark, so this is how you need to fix it, and. And these are your opportunities for growth. So I became the person, the kind of person that actually used to hate getting feedback or advice, because if it was unsolicited, I was like, I'd have a pride about it.

No, I don't want to hear what you have to say, but something inside me shifted a couple years ago, and really more so a year ago when I decided, gosh, that's really not how I wanna be. And that's not in alignment with who I am as a person. But it also started to shift when I had a colleague who gave me advice and feedback in a really different way. She would frame it by saying, can I give you some feedback? And you can say no if you're not in a place to receive it. And it gave me the opportunity to say, you know what?

I'm not in a good place. I'm going to get immediately defensive and I don't want to hear it today or, okay, I'll take a deep breath and I'll be ready to receive the feedback now that I know it's coming, rather than just giving it to someone. And so by her doing that, by giving me the space to one say no and to just kind of prepare for it, it softens the blow. And whatever she said to me was so spot on and exactly what I needed to hear. But that, in an exchange, really helped me understand. People receive feedback in different ways.

People identify with areas of growth and they, I mean, every person wants to be the best version of themselves every single day, right? We all show up doing our best. We're all trying our best. And if you can come at it with that frame of mind to start, that's step one. As a leader, they're doing their best. Maybe their best isn't good enough right now, but they're doing their best. So that's, that's step number one, just to have that realization when you're talking with someone. Secondly, I would argue that if it is the right time or isn't the right time, that you give them that opportunity to hear it.

And maybe you say to them, hey, I have some feedback about your performance that I'd like to give you. Are you in a place to receive that right now? So that gives them the option to say, you know what? No, tomorrow would be better. I've had a really hard day, but then helps prepare them for it. And thirdly, that you deliver it in a way where you have the whole circumstance, the whole story. Right. That's what those three phone calls this week have done for me to help me understand. Maybe there was a piece I was missing there.

Okay, well, that piece of feedback isn't even relevant anymore because I was totally misunderstanding that. So get the whole picture. Before you deliver feedback, ask questions, ask them, do you think you've been doing your best? Give them the opportunity to say no. You know, like, give them some self reflective things. I think we forget a lot of times as leaders, or if you manage people that you're actually a coach, sometimes more than you are a manager, right? It's your opportunity to help ask the tough questions, ask the questions that are given them the opportunity to self reflect and.

And say, gosh, you know what? I can do better. Because if you have an employee that's struggling and that's not performing, they probably are struggling for a reason. There's probably something else going on. So give them that opportunity to self reflect and help come up with a solution for how they can do better. The best conversations I've had in performance reviews with employees is by giving them the power back. Instead of saying, this is an opportunity for you to show me that you can do better, I said, why don't you show me how you're going to do better?

Like, why don't you write your goals, write your performance improvement goals, and then I'll see if those align with our company. Let's co create them. I love that word. When it comes to managing people. Co create the solutions. Because if you tell the employee this is the solution you need to have and they don't meet it again, you're just still in that power struggle of, they're not doing what I'm asking them to do, they are the employee. Because actually, as a leader, as a manager, you are serving your team more than anything.

I almost want to flip the hierarchy, the hierarchical diagram that you literally are serving them. You are coaching them. You are mentoring them to be the best version of themselves. Sometimes you have to tweak your approach with different people, and sometimes it means co creating the goals that are in alignment with what you have for your company. So I hope this was insightful and helpful. Just giving you a few leadership tips today and some things that I've learned over the years. And I thank you guys for tuning in with me on this video.

God bless.