Parenting: There’s No Handbook!

Cadre family doctor Kerry here joining you live from my patio today. We have a lot to unpack, so I'm gonna get started. Let me know if you guys can hear me, okay? Otherwise I can move back inside. But just wanted to enjoy the fresh air for this live stream today. So I'll first start by sharing a story. I met this amazing couple a couple of weeks ago when I was traveling and got to hear their story. They were enjoying their, their anniversary at this hotel and they were telling me about their kids and just some of the stuff they've done in their life.

And one story in particular stood out to me. Their oldest son. They really had struggled with a lot of stuff in, like, his late teenage years. And, you know, he was a great kid growing up. And then just something just flipped, you know, maybe mental health issues, not sure. And he ended up just kind of going off on a bad path and was steeped stealing money from his mom's purse and all of these things and just, you know, not showing up to class. And he was failing out of high school and just. Just not doing well.

And the dad, I was talking to the mom and dad and he told me, you know, I sat him down one day and I said, do you want to go back to school? And he said, no, I don't. And at this point, it was looking like he wasn't even on track to graduate, so it was going to be really hard for him to catch up. And his dad said, you don't have to go back to school. And the kid's like, score. Yes, I got out of that. And the dad goes, and you're going to work. And the kid's like, no, I don't want to go to work. And he's like, well, those are your two options.

You either finish school and you're really far behind in high school or you go to work. And fast forward now, three years later, the kid is thriving. He's been promoted at this company, and he's just really doing well. And eventually he'll go back and finish high school. But I just had to, to just pause and applaud these parents, first of all, for just giving their kid a different option because I think a lot of times parents, we think there's one track to success and this is how it's going to work for all my kids.

But the truth is, every kid is different, and that kid might need a really different path in life. And I was just so impressed that they recognized that and gave this kid the opportunity to thrive in maybe a different environment and do something different that's gonna work for him. And that they also just shut out the judgment from other people because I think we sometimes, as parents, say, like, well, what are my friends gonna think of me? My kid just dropped out of high school. I actually let him drop out of high school.

Like, what are those options gonna be? And the kid is doing great, and maybe that was not the best path for the kid to be on, but, you know, they just said, I'm screw judgment from other people. I'm going to do what's best for my kid. And they have another kid, and that kid hasn't struggled with these things, but that's okay because every kid is. So then I want to transition to my own story, and I will disclaimer say I am not a parent. So I had a lot of, like, imposter syndrome of making this live stream because I don't want to speak as if I'm coming from my own experience as a parent.

But I did have kind of a revelation recently about this after first hearing this story from this couple who are just, you know, thriving at being parents. Right. They're not doing it the normal way, and that's great. And their kids doing fine. And then I have my own little parenting story I'll share with you. So I'm in preparation to become a parent. I'm going to be hopefully having kids here in the next few years. I want to have a bunch of kids. So I'm not a parent of children yet. I have a dog, and I obviously live the dog mom life, but that's not like a real child.

But I actually had kind of an interesting experience recently with my dog that made me realize, ah, this might be a blind spot for me when I'm a parent. So here's the story. My fiance said, I really think we need to get your dog some more training. Like advanced obedience training. Like, she's. She's just got some serious behavioral issues. And I took kind of offense to it when he brought it up because I was like, I have spent thousands of dollars training my dog. She is a rescue. She's had a lot of trauma.

Like, there's just a lot of stuff there, right? And she's really, really obedient, but she just has these behavioral issues that are probably rooted in her trauma. And I have been flat out told by trainers that they don't know what else to do with her. She's kind of a lost cause at this point. So I just have to live with the behaviors that I have and so he helped me find a couple of good, like, behavioral trainers. And I, it took me a while to book the appointment. I finally went and met with one and, you know, listened to what they had to say.

And of course, my dog was, like, on her best behavior that day. And they're like, what is wrong with your dog? She's fine. And I was like, well, just come to my house and you'll see what I'm talking about. It's usually behaviors at my house. And so they're just saying, like, yeah, we really think we could probably help you. And, like, some of these, you just need, like, a different tool to do this kind of training. So I left there, like, feeling a little bit encouraged, even though I don't know if I really believe them because I've had so many trainers tell me that her problems are unsolved.

Like, she's just going to be this way. She's always going to be on Prozac as a dog. Like, I'm always just going to have to live with this. And so I called my fiance, and through the conversation, he was really, like, uplifting. Like, oh, it sounds great. Like, they are really, you know, encouraging that they can help you. And I was so defensive in the conversation, and I had to process this later on. Like, why am I so defensive? This is my dog I'm talking about, right? Like, and this trainer was super confident in being able to help her, and I realized that I had, like, a pride and an ego issue about it.

Like, I have done everything I know how, and at this point, my dog is five. And if I can't get her the help that she needs, it's a reflection on me as a parent. And I just thought, like, I'm a horrible dog mom. I'm a horrible dog mom. Like, I don't know what else to try with her, but I've kind of given up. And I wasn't even willing to really explore another option because I kind of given up and just said, like, nope, this is the way she made me realize, like, these are blind spots that parents have sometimes.

And I had to kind of pray about this in process that, like, I don't want to be that kind of parent. Like, I don't want my pride and, like, my own self esteem of, like, no, I'm a good mom and I've done everything I know how, and you people aren't going to tell me what I can do differently to make sure that my dog is better behaved. And, like, I, like, let my pride get in the way. And I unfortunately, know some parents like this, where they're like, nope, this is how my kid's gonna be, and you aren't gonna be able to help me, and they're.

They're not willing to kind of, like, drop that, like, ownership, I guess. And. And so I'm trying to pull these two stories together. I hope this is making sense. But, um, this. This couple that I met, right, they had, like, no pride, interfered with them doing something differently to get their kid the help that he needed and get him on the right path. And in my own experience, my pride interfered with my ability to get my dog, maybe the help that she needs, because she's just got extreme anxiety issues.

And so I had to kind of, like, drop that and, like, process it and say, like, no, I am a really good mom. I am a really good dog mom, right? I'm talking about my dog, not a kid. And it's okay that maybe I don't have all the tools that I. That I need to make her, you know, as successful as possible. And that's okay, that I need to reach out and get more help, even though I've already spent thousands of dollars and gotten a lot of help from other trainers. It's okay. Best you can with the tools that you had, and we have some other tools for you to try, and we'd be happy to work with you.

So I just want to speak on behalf of just my revelation of parenting. Again, I'm not a parent, but. But it really made me realize, like, I don't want that to ever be a hindrance when I am a parent, that I let my own pride get in the way of my kid getting the help that they need, of my kid getting their resources that they need. And I'm not gonna let it be a negative reflection on me of, like, well, I'm not gonna tell people that my kid is on, you know, Prozac because it's gonna reflect poorly on me as a parent.

Like, what did you do wrong? No, I'm not gonna, like, include that shame, right? Like, whatever my kid needs, whatever the help my kid needs, I want to do it, and I need to shut off that judgment. And so I just want to tell you today, if you are a parent, you have permission today to say to somebody who's judging you, you know what? I'm doing the best that I know how. And I don't need your judgment today, because there's no handbook. You don't get a handbook when you take your kid home from the hospital.

I mean, I didn't get a handbook when I picked up my dog at the rescue, right? And to have a dog that has, like, incredible behavior issues is a whole new experience for me compared to my past dog. But, like, there's no handbook in parenting. There's no right way to do things, there's no wrong way to do things, and you just figure it out as you go. And so I just want to give you that permission today to go, you know what? I am doing the best that I know how, and I'm going to keep doing the best that I know how for my kids, because that's all we can do in this world, right?

Like, none of us are perfect, and we're imperfect human beings guiding and leading other imperfect human beings. And that's okay. So if you've made mistakes as a parent, it's okay. It's okay. You're human and you're gonna make mistakes, and you're doing the best that you can. And so I just want you to hear that from me and just know that we have a safe space here at Cadre with other parents, too. We've got some incredible speakers on this platform that have lived experiences as parents. Katie Donovan is one of them.

Thanks for tuning in, Katie. My dog is on Prozac because she has extreme anxiety issues, and it tempers her anxiety. That's why she's on Prozac. Um, I've tried weaning her off multiple times, trust me. But, um, we've got some great speakers here. Katie's on tomorrow Live, and she's just got incredible parenting advice. And we've got some others on the platform, too. Tune in to their live streams. But know that you have a safe space here with other parents that are going through it, that are doing the hard things.

And if you go to bed every single night as a parent and think, gosh, I failed today, you know what? All the rest of the parents out there think that, too. So you're not alone. You're really not alone. And you're doing the best that you know how. And that's just what I wanted to share with you guys today. So thank you for joining me on this live stream. God bless.