Breaking Through Victim Mentality

Hey, Cadre family doctor Kerry here. I want to share with you about a recent experience I had that really shocked me. I have never considered myself a victim. I don't like playing into victim mentality or saying woe is me acting like a martyr? So I was really surprised when my significant other actually pointed out that I was trying to stay stuck in being a victim. And it really took me by surprise because I've never considered myself that. I definitely went through an experience of victim mentality after I was raped.

And rightfully so. If something horrific has happened to you, you're likely to stay in that victim place for a little while as you work through your healing journey. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, condemning anybody that feels like they are a victim because you really were a victim. And I recently was triggered by things from my marriage, actually from the domestic abuse I encountered in my marriage and my significant other, obviously not meaning to do any of these things, but triggered me.

And I found myself wanting to stay stuck. And he pointed that out to me, that I was wanting to stay stuck in this victim mentality. So as I reflected on that, over the past few days, I've been trying to figure out why. Why did I want to stay stuck as a victim? Because I consider myself a survivor or a conqueror of the traumas that have happened to me in my life. And the thing that really came to my realization as I was reflecting on this and praying about it with God was that being a victim gives you power.

Staying a victim gives you a sense of power. So when you're in that place of having absolutely no control, like being triggered or being talked to, demeaning, degrading ways, being abused, you're not saying that this actually happened, but this trigger brought up so many memories of when I was treated like that. So in staying in that victim mindset, I get to keep a little bit of that control or that power. Because when you're in that place, all power, all control has been taken away from you. I was feeling like I was completely worthless.

I felt like I meant nothing, that nobody would care if I were here, that I just, my life was totally worthless and meaningless when I was in that mental space. And by staying in that victim mindset, it gave me that sense of control because I was allowing myself to stay there. Because if I would have had to admit that maybe I was wrong in a disagreement or I was wrong in this conflict, then I would be losing some of that power and control. And it's taken me by surprise because I'm not somebody who's really hesitant to say, I'm sorry.

I used to be, but I want to resolve conflict. I want to move on. And when I'm in that place of just feeling really stuck, I want to do anything but get out of it. I just want out of it. So I would just encourage you that if you're living with that victim mentality, that, first of all, realize that that's okay because you probably have had something horrific happen to you, and that's okay to be a victim because you were a victim. But just recognizing that staying in that victim mindset is actually only hurtful for yourself because it perpetuates the cycle of feeling worthless and shameful and just, like, feeling like a worthless human being.

And it really just takes that mind, takes your mind and really, like, creates that feedback loop of, well, I am worthless. I deserve to be talked to like this. So I'm going to stay in this place of victim because I deserve to be treated like this, which none of those things are true. And obviously, when I was, you know, in this situation with my ex husband, I was kind of brainwashed to believe that that was true. But in staying with that mindset, it actually then provokes the conflict to continue and provokes me to stay in that place of victim.

So I would encourage you to recognize that this is happening in your life and know that there is a way out. And for me, that involves turning to God, it involves talking to other people, having people be my sounding board, but really just physically digging myself out of that pit of worthlessness and despair and recognizing that I don't want to stay there because I know that's not helpful for me, for my relationship, for anybody else, and that there's really more to life than that. Because as comfortable as it feels in the despair, really, the uncomfortableness of getting out of it is really to the place that you want to be, that you can experience so much more joy in life.

So I would just encourage you to recognize that this is happening. And I'll be sharing more about this topic as I delve more into reflecting on this on my own as well. And we can do this healing journey together. So take care. God bless.