The Truth About Gaslighting

Hey, Cadre. Family doctor Carey here. Today, I want to talk about gaslighting. Believe it or not, this term was actually developed in 1944 when a movie came out called Gaslight. And in this movie, a husband was trying to convince his wife that she was insane so that he could steal from her. More recently, this term applies to relationships where one person is blaming the other person or making them out to be crazy when really they are at fault. And I just want to say that this has become kind of a hot topic of conversation among girlfriends and just in Facebook groups, things like that, because really, it's a term that we've known for many, many years, but it's just really risen more to the surface as people are starting to speak out against unhealthy relationships and what it means to be in a healthy relationship.

And a lot of times you'll hear the term gaslighting coincide with narcissism, which or someone who is just really concerned about themselves doesn't care about anybody else. But I just want to break down some barriers today about these terms because I hear these thrown around a lot, and I hear a lot of women, especially, saying that their partner is gaslighting them when they're basically pointing out something that they are struggling with or need to work on in the relationship. And I'm not here to condemn you or judge you if you are being told, you know, that you're crazy or things like that.

But I just want to also take some ownership because in a relationship, especially an unhealthy relationship with domestic violence that I've experienced, this doesn't happen all the time. Every time my partner used to say to me, you know, you're doing this, you're acting like this, and this. There was generally a component of truth to it. And that's not to say that how he was conveying that information to me was okay or that it wasn't abusive. But it's really made me think now that I'm in a healthy relationship and in a much healthier state of mind than I was in my marriage.

Really, what part am I playing into this? And I spoke to you guys earlier about breaking the cycle of abuse and really recognizing when you are playing a part in that cycle of abuse. And I want to use that same concept here today when we're talking about gaslighting because, yeah, my current partner can make me out to be like, I'm crazy and that everything is my fault and that is gaslighting. But I also need to take some ownership for how I've been acting or how I've been showing up in the relationship.

So I know this might trigger some people because they just want to blame the other person. But as you really go down that path of, like, why do I keep getting in these unhealthy relationships? What is the common denominator? You are the common denominator. And I hate to say that because I know that's going to rattle some people, but there is something inside you that probably needs to shift. And that might mean just breaking out of that victim mentality. It might mean taking ownership for the things that you have done wrong in the relationship.

Saying sorry when you need to say sorry, that was a really hard thing for me to do in my marriage. I never apologized for anything because I was never at fault because he was always gaslighting me and putting me down and being verbally and emotionally abusive. But there's definitely a piece that I played in that relationship that contributed to that unhealthy cycle. So I just wanted to shed some light on this topic today. And I know I'm going to rattle some feathers because people want to stay in that victim mindset, but really what you're doing by staying in that is really hurting yourself.

Because if you can recognize the role that you play in the relationship, and that's not to say that whatever he or she is doing to you is okay, or how they're communicating, that is okay. But recognize that you probably are, I guess, blurring some boundaries. You know, maybe they've set a boundary. Maybe they've said something and you've disrespected that. Maybe you have said something. Maybe. Maybe you're the kind of person who shuts down like me. But you mutter something under your breath that's not okay.

But it's also not okay how they're treating you. So I just want to encourage you to recognize the role that you play and to recognize when it is gaslighting and when it's not. Because a lot of people use that term and they fail to recognize that they're playing a part in that abusive cycle. That doesn't make it okay that that person is gaslighting you. But really spend some time with yourself, spend some time with God, spend some time reflecting with other friends to figure out, one, are you crazy?

Is your partner trying to make you out to be crazy? Two, is there something that you need to take ownership for in the relationship? And maybe there's something that you need to apologize for and say, yep, I own that. One, I can work on that. And three, recognize exactly what gaslighting is and be careful how you throw that term around because what it does is it really demeans the other person if you use that term when it's not applicable. And even if that term is applicable, telling someone you're gaslighting me isn't really going to solve the problem or address the underlying issues of the disrespect and lack of trust that you have in your relationship.

So I would encourage you to spend a little bit more time thinking and talking about this topic with others because I know it's going to provoke a lot of discussion. And I'm curious to hear what you guys have to say on this because I know that some of you might have your minds blown a little bit right now by me, especially being somebody who's experienced trauma and domestic abuse. To say that yes, I did play a part in it and no, gaslighting is not okay, but there were probably also times that I did that too.

So thanks for tuning in with me today guys. I hope this helps. God bless.