The Villain, The Victim, and The Rescuer

Hey, cadre family, Dr. Kerry here. Today I want to talk about something called the drama triangle. And I want to explain the roles in the drama triangle and then in future videos I'm going to explain a little bit more about how to get out of the drama triangle. So first I just want to explain, this is something that's actually researched by a psychologist and it talks about basically the drama or the cycle that we get into in an unhealthy relationship. And in the drama triangle there are three roles.

The persecutor, the rescuer and the victim. And I want to expand a little bit on what those are. So the persecutor is somebody who basically sounds like the persecutor, right? They're the villain. They're the bad guy. They're the one that is shaming you, badgering you, talking down to you verbally abusive. They might be physically abusive to you, but they are really the bad guy in this situation. There's no other way around it. A lot of times the persecutor assumes that role when they've been hurt because we know that hurt people hurt people.

So just keep that in mind that there's usually an underlying motivation of hurt , not necessarily just out to get you mentality. They've usually been triggered or hurt in some way, which makes them then turn into this persecutor role. So they are essentially the villain, the bad guy in this situation. The victim, let me explain this role because this one was a little bit confusing for me when I started reading about it. The victim is the one that is actually being victimized by the persecutor. So they're the ones that is subjecting themselves to this abuse, to this verbal abuse, emotional, physical abuse.

They are literally being victimized. But it's also important to remember that a victim can also play the victim role when they're not being persecuted. So I can tell you this is really prevalent in a lot of unhealthy relationships, including my past relationships, where I just assumed this victim role because that's what I always played, because I never flipped into the persecutor role. So I would act victimized even when I wasn't being victimized. So it's important to remember that the persecutor is really an active role and the victim can also be an active role.

They can be walking around saying, "Well, as me, I'm such a martyr, my life is so horrible. This person treats me so poorly. They never say anything nice to me." So they can almost instigate a conflict with the persecutor because of the victimized role. And I know that might be hard for some people to hear because you legitimately are probably victimized if you're in a relationship with a persecutor, but just understand that that role can be an active role and a passive role. And then the third role in the drama triangle is called the rescuer.

And this one really shocked me when I learned what this is. The rescuer is the one that is trying to save either the victim or the persecut or. Usually trying to save the persecutor, but what they're trying to do is coddle or enable the persecutor. So let me give you an example of a situation. The persecutor says you're a horrible person, you're a horrible wife, I can't handle you. I don't want to be with you anymore. The victim plays into that role and says, "You're right. I am a horrible person."

They really emphasize that victim role. And then oftentimes the victim becomes the rescuer. There's only two people in this drama triangle. And what happens, persecutors, especially in the cycle of violence, persecutor feels shame, horrible for talking to the person like that. So the rescuer comes in and actually enables the behavior and says, "I'm so sorry. I know you're really struggling with something right now. Let me help you." So instead of basically letting the persecutor figure out what they can do to deal with themselves, they take on this enabling role and they get some self-benefit from it.

That's the big thing to remember about the drama triangle is that each role has self-benefit from it. Usually a sense of self-esteem where the rescuer feels like, "Oh, yes, I'm helping the villain right now. I'm going to make this person a better person. I know I can save them." And same thing with the victim when they play into that role, they're really only thinking about themselves because they're like, "I'm such a victim. I've always talked to you like this." And the persecutor, kind of unaware of all of it, is obviously acting out of their own best interest too.

But just keep that in mind. All three roles act out of their own best interest. And remember there is a way out of this triangle and I'll share with that in future videos. But I just wanted to do some education and explain what the drama triangle is so you can kind of understand the roles as I delve into them further. So thanks for tuning in with me. I hope this was informational and I hope you can glean something from this information. And I will talk more about this topic coming forward. Have a great day.

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