How to Stop The Triangle

Hey, cadre family, Dr. Kerry here. Today I'm going to expand on the topic of the drama triangle and explain how to get out of it because you might recognize after I talked about it, what role you play. And just as a refresher, there's the persecutor, the victim, and the rescuer. And I can recognize that in my marriage, I often played the victim and the resc uer. Sometimes my ex-husband played the persecutor and the rescuer because there are times when the rescuer wants to make the victim feel better and rescue the victim from their victim state.

So just understand that, like I said, it usually takes two people in this drama triangle, but there is a way out. And you might see yourself and you might think back to your relationship and say, wow, this pattern repeats itself all the time. Where I start off as one role, I slip into another. So I just want to give you a couple of examples from my marriage of when this happened and maybe it'll help you understand what role you play and how to get out of it. So I remember one day I came home from work and I was just feeling sorry for myself.

My ex-husband hadn't done anything to me that day. He hadn't texted me anything horrible. We actually were getting along just fine. And I just had this victim state because I was talking to my friend at work and she was telling me how thoughtful her husband was and how they had, you know, great intimate sexual moments. And I had a very sexless marriage. And I remember just feeling resentful and bitter when I got home. And I just started shooting daggers at him. I just was making snide comments under my breath and just really playing into that victim role of what was me, I have such a horrible life, I'm such a horrible husband and he hadn't done anything to me that day or the day before.

But it's important to remember that the victim can actually start the triangle. And that doesn't mean that my feelings towards him probably were valid because he definitely did abuse me on a regular basis. But in playing into that victim role, I actually instigated the draw triangle for start to start. So he had a choice to make. He could play the persecutor or he could play the rescuer. And majority of times he played the persecutor because he thought, well, what a crappy way to walk into the house and start talking to me like this.

I don't understand what's wrong with you. You have such horrible mental health issues. You've got to get yourself straightened out, saying all these things to me and definitely played into that persecutor role. So I can tell you that had I not walked into the house with that bitterness and resentment and started just making snide comments and just really playing that martyr victim role, the cycle wouldn't have started. So I can recognize that even though I was victimized many times in my marriage, I started it that time and I can take the responsibility for starting the triangle.

Now my ex-husband can also take responsibility for playing into the triangle and taking on the persecutor role. So it can stop somewhere. So let me give you another example of when I was the victim and my husband was a persecutor, which was our typical dynamic, he was super upset one night. He hit a deer on his drive home and he came home and blamed me for the entire thing. And I honestly don't even know what happened or why I was being blamed for it, but I just knew I was getting screamed at and told that it was all my fault and I couldn't even figure out what was happening.

And I immediately assumed the victim role and thought, oh my gosh, my life is so horrible. Why does he talk to me like this? And soon realized that wasn't working because it didn't matter how long I played the victim role. He eventually would stop and it wasn't stopping. So what did I do? I played the rescuer role. I allowed him to talk to me like that and didn't set a boundary or make an ult imatum, didn't set any limits for, hey, it's not okay to talk to me like that, but instead enabled them and said, I'm so sorry, I don't know, I don't know what I can do to help you and just kind of glossed over the fact that he was emotionally and verbally abusing me.

And so in playing the rescuer, I allowed that drama triangle to continue. So I hope this is a little bit insightful for you because I can recognize the role that I played in the abusive cycle and in this drama triangle. And that doesn't mean that what he did to me was okay or what I did was okay. But it's really helped me in kind of reflecting on my relationships. What role do I typically play and how do I get out of it? Because once I recognize what the other person is doing and I learned how to have some self-respect and set a boundary and say, I'm not giving into this right now.

I'm not going to play into this drama that's coming up and I'm going to set a limit and I'm going to say, I need you to stop talking to me like that. And then I have a decision to make at that point what role I'm going to play. But it doesn't have to be a victim or a rescuer because there's also the, you deal with your emotions right now and we'll talk when you're calmer kind of situation. Or in my example where I came in the house playing the victim, he could have just ignored me and let me just stew in it or say, hey, what's going on with you right now?

I recognize something's bothering you. That's a really clear way to point out to someone that they are playing a victim. And I can tell you this has happened in my relationships in a healthy relationship. Somebody will say that. Same thing with the persecutor. Sometimes it takes a little bit to calm them down. But it's saying, hey, I recognize that what you're saying to me right now is not my fault that you got into a car accident and you're treating me really poorly and I'm happy to talk through your emotions with you, but you need to stop talking to me like that.

That's setting a limit, setting that boundary, making that healthy ultimatum and saying to the person, I'm not going to play into the rescuer or the victim role. I'm just going to be over here when you're ready to talk to me in a calm manner . So I hope this was helpful for you. You usually play one or two roles in the relationship. Sometimes you might oscillate and go into the third role. But if in a dynamic that's allowed to continue, especially with this cycle that continues in relationships, just recognize that you probably play one of those roles and maybe figure out some alternate ways that you can get out of that triangle.

Maybe next time recognize what role you're slipping into and you can stop yourself before you go further or once you get more practice with it, maybe you stop even before you get to that point and you just say, ah, I recognize what role you're playing right now and what role I typically play when this dynamic comes up and I'm choosing to stop it. So to encourage you to try this, let me know how it goes. I know this can be scary. I know it really disrupts the peace in a relationship. Even if there's no peace in your relationship, there's a cycle and it's familiar and it's common.

And so disrupting this can mean all sorts of things. It can mean healthy relationship. It can mean more drama, more persecution, but just understand that it is really important to recognize what role you're playing and how to stop that. So let me know how it goes. I hope this was helpful for you. Thanks for tuning in. God bless, guys.