Things We Aren’t Supposed To Talk About

Cadre friends, good morning. It is Shannon. I'm in my car because, as you all know, Cadre is a place for real life, authentic conversations. And in real life, my son, as I was about to get in the shower, texted me and said, hey, mom, I forgot my iPad. Can you bring it to me right now? So I will stream you all from my car as I prepare to. I prepare to bring my son his iPad, because that's real life. So, good morning. For those of you who don't know me, I am Shannon. I am not a clinician. I am not a mental health professional.

I am a human who lives with anxiety, CPTSD, and parents, a child with special needs. So I share my experience of what it has been like for me to live with those things. I've been in therapy for eight years, and so I just talk about my experiences and hope that you will feel less alone. All right, so today we are talking about things we aren't supposed to talk about, which is, how does it feel when you feel like you're on the outside looking in? We've all felt that, right? I guarantee we've all felt that as children go all the way back to the playground and maybe wanting to play with someone and they didn't want to play with you, I mean, there's a million manifestations that in the world.

Good morning, junk food junkie. I'm so glad to see you. So, I want to talk about this, because I think in our culture, in many ways, again, it's inherent in us that we want to feel part of something, and our culture gives us messages of what belonging should feel like or look like. And so this came to my mind for a couple of reasons. One is, I had dinner with a friend recently, a woman, a professional woman, who is in her early forties, and she has always been a driven individual. She's been a person who has not married, who doesn't have children, and is at this point in her life where she's like, listen, I feel like I don't fit in.

I feel like the culture around me at this phase of life is I don't fit in. So that's one reason why this came to my mind. And the second is that I know I shared, I have a child with autism, and we've been having a tough time. And there can be times when, as a parent, I feel like I don't fit in because my challenges, the things that I'm facing, are different than others. Right. So those are a couple of examples of in my own life, where I've really felt like, hey, I'm not a part of the in crowd, so I want to talk about three things we can do, or three things that I do myself to try to feel better about that thought when it comes into my head, the first thing is, look beyond what you see right around you.

So we're in the midwest. I live in the Midwest. I live in Minneapolis. I would argue the same is likely true for anywhere you might live. Whatever community you're in, there are norms. There are social norms. There are familial systems. There are all the things that tell us what norms normal is for our community. And as we live in that community and we go to the store and we have conversations and all the things that norm surrounds us, right? That norm can tell us that we're not doing it the right way.

But one of the things we can do is to say, and I've done this myself, to say, okay, that is the norm for Minneapolis, Minnesota. That is the norm for the Midwest, that is the norm even for the United States. Western culture, those are norms. If I got on a plane today and flew across the world to Africa and landed and got off the plane, I can promise you that the norm of wherever I landed in Africa is going to be different than it is in Minneapolis, Minnesota. And that gives me incredible comfort.

So when there are moments that I'm like, God, I'm not doing it the right way. I'm not being the right kind of parent. I'm not being the right version of what a woman should be, I say, okay, Shannon, Shannon, don't stress out. You're looking at this little tiny bucket of what exists in the world. So look beyond. Look beyond here. And I promise you, if you do that mental exercise of just saying, oh, my God, I'm not fitting in, imagine a place where you got off the plane and you absolutely, 100% fit in with that culture and think about how that would feel and know that that exists.

And I'm not saying you have to get on a plane. It's just that space in your head to say, this is one point of view. So that is number one, if you feel like you're not fitting in and you're struggling with how that feels, look beyond what's around you. Junk food Junkie says, always being last in pickup games. Absolutely right. We all have this. We know this. We know what it feels like to not be on the inside. So number two is surround yourself with messaging humans. I don't care if it's, if it's a TikTok.

I don't care if it is a book. Surround yourself with messages that support who you are. I'm gonna give you another example. I am a professional woman, and as a professional woman, over the years, I have worked in very male dominated roles at times, and that can be really hard. And so I was telling my therapist about this recently and saying, like, I don't want to hurt people's feelings, and I know I need to get over it. I've been coached. People have said to me, Shannon, you gotta stop worrying about how everyone feels or you're gonna limit yourself.

And I said, yeah, that's just. I'm trying to figure out how to do it. And what she said to Pete, said to me, what my therapist said to me is, remember when you were struggling with other issues and you read all those books that helped you see it in a different light? She said, I want to give you the name of a person. And she has a podcast, or not a podcast, a book. And you're going to have to, if you know this name, shout it out or type it out. She's the first female CEO of an NBA team. It's the Dallas.

Oh, my God. I'm going to say mavericks. I don't even know if that's right. Mark Cuban hired her, so she has a book. And this woman was like, this amazing woman. Again, I'll put it in the chat after. So I can't remember that. I don't know. But what she said is, as a leader, her mantra is, I am not your porter. I am not your porter. My therapist shared that with me. I was like, okay. And she said, so what she means by that is, it's not my job to pick up your stuff and carry it with me. And so she said, my therapist, Shannon, download that book if you want.

Listen to it. Listen to her story and think about that concept. As I have to develop my own personal ability to say, I gotta stop caring so much what people think. So I need to surround myself with people, with that message, so that I can start to know there are other points of view out there and that I do belong. And I belong with people like this woman who is the leader of an NBA basketball team. So that's number two. Number one was look beyond what you see when you feel like you don't belong.

Number two is surround yourself with messages that remind you that there is a place of belonging for you. Okay? So those are number one. And number two. Number three is to celebrate you. Right. This is hard when we feel alone. This is hard when we feel like we don't fit. Because that's the whole point, right? You're like, I'm the weird one. I'm the one that is not part of this. But by celebrating you and by saying, okay, Shannon, again, I'm self talking myself. You know what? You're smart. You're freaking smart, Shannon.

You are X. And you guys, right now, help my friend Abby. Luke. Luke says taco Tuesday. I don't know what that means, but happy taco Tuesday, junk food junkie. All of you out there, what are the things about you that make you freaking amazing and make you belong, right? So remember those things, write them down. And as you do these three steps, you're going to start to say, like, I do. I do belong. This is. I don't see it every day. I might not feel it every day because culture is telling us that we have to be x or we have to look like y or all the things.

And so if you take these three steps, I'll say them one more time before I go, it can feel better. It might not. It might not get rid of it. Because frankly, we live here, right? There will be days my house doesn't look the way I want it to. And I know that. And I could say, oh, my God, I'm a bad domestic, whatever. That might not go away today, right? I'm not going to have a cleaning person come and change my life. I mean, if you want to send one my way, please do. But I can take these three steps and I can work with them to say, okay, I'm going to reframe how I look at belonging.

So one more time. Number one, look beyond what you see every day. Do that exercise of imagining yourself getting on a plane, leaving the space where you feel like you don't belong and landing in a place where there are people that exist like you and know that that's. That's true. So, number one, you belong. Look beyond what you see around you. Number two, surround yourself with people who support that belief. I do it with a book. I do it with that CEO of the Dallas Mavericks. If the Mavericks isn't the NBA team, that's okay.

I do it with her message saying, I am not your porter. I'm not responsible for picking up your stuff. That's what I do. Do whatever works for you. Surround yourself with that voice. And number three, celebrate yourself. Celebrate the things that are beautiful and good about you because they exist. And if you do those three things, you will start to remind yourself that you do belong. You 100% belong. You belong here on Cadre. You belong with this group of people. And even if it's hard to see it in a moment, you can always actually, first of all, come back here and rewatch this.

But you're not on the outside, and many of us feel this, so that's the last thing I'll say. You're not alone. Even in believing you're alone. So I hope this helped you today. You guys are amazing humans. Junk food junkie. I appreciate you always being here, and I appreciate you always sharing your thoughts. They add so much value. Taco Tuesday. Eat a taco. I don't know. But thank you guys, for being here in the Cadres fair. And you are never, ever alone. You belong. Have a great day, guys.