Coffee Chats w/ Dr D

Hello? Hi, Shannon. It's Doctor D. Here I am getting my first, I can't believe I'm saying this, my first sip of coffee for the day. Because it's just, it's been a night. Morning, day, whatever you want, all of it wrapped up. So let me take a sip real quick and it's real hot. So today I made a cinnamon cappuccino. If anybody likes cappuccinos out there, shout it out. But last night, whew. Let me tell y'all, the midwest has some rough storms, and we had a really rough storm. We had storms all day, somewhat yesterday, and then into the night where it just kept me up.

I was up all night just tossing and turning. I have a tiny little dog, and she is terrified of storms. And she was shivering and tried to cuddle with me and I couldn't sleep. So it was just lots of tossing and turning. The noise, the booming, the lightning and thunder. The lightning was so bright, it came through my windows. Everything was just off. And so it was a little uncomfortable. And it's funny that that happened because this month I'm talking about the impact of anger on our relationships.

And that storm reminded me of what it's like to be around someone who is angry, experiencing their anger where you can't get any rest because they're not resting, you can't enjoy life because they're just not happy. And that's uncomfortable. And it does make you lose sleep. So the question of the day is, should you date someone who has problems with their anger? And I do want to tap into what does that feel like to be around someone who's angry? You know, I have dated people who had a problem with their anger where they didn't even recognize that the way they felt was angry.

And it's interesting, as an emotion focused therapist, I am very comfortable with other people's anger when I'm helping them, but I'm not comfortable with someone's sadness. And so being around anger and frustration doesn't bother me because I feel like anger is an emotion that people are willing to express. I think it's maybe culturally acceptable to express anger to express when you're not happy or frustrated. And anger is not necessarily a bad emotion to experience, but it can have a negative impact on us.

And so I want to share more about what does that do to our relationships and should you date someone who is angry all the time? So going into attachment styles, y'all know that's my jam. So if you have an anxious attachment style, it is likely that you will see your partner's anger as a problem that you need to fix. And you might also see it as you're the root of that problem. You're the root cause of why they're angry. So it can be as simple as you see them and you say, good morning, and they're popping off.

Why are you talking to me? Why are you looking at me? And you're just being cordial. You're just being nice and kind because you should be. But that person, in their state of anger, they cannot accept your kindness. And so if you have an anxious attachment style, you're probably thinking, well, what did I do wrong? Did I say something wrong? Did I do something last night? Did I do something the other day? And, oh, shoot, I forgot, I did p*** them off. Maybe they're still mad at me for something I did a couple weeks ago.

I probably should talk about that. Or maybe I need to change. So dating someone who has an issue with their own anger and how that impacts you, it will make you really rethink how you need to operate as an individual, not just in the relationship, but as a person overall. So it's going to get you to question yourself that's not comfortable, right? And it can even feel like getting to the point of emotional abuse. You know, emotional abuse is. It's real. It's not something that you think is happening or you're questioning what's happening.

It's really happening. When someone expresses their anger in a relationship and they are agitated all the time and they're blaming you for the way that they feel, if they point the finger at you for what's going wrong in their life, that is part of emotional abuse. And someone's anger can feel like you're being emotionally abused when you're around that, in that environment on a daily basis, even if it's just you're dating, you're not living together, or you're not married and not living together, and you're experiencing their anger just infrequently, but anytime you experience it, it hurts.

And if they don't have answers of why they're so angry, it can hurt even more and make you question yourself. And you're digging for answers like, how can I fix this for them? Because I don't want them to be upset. I don't want them to be upset with me. So what do I need to do to make it better for them? That's exhausting. It's tiring. It really is. It's exhausting. And there's nothing you can do to fix it for them. It's their problem. Someone who deals with anger. You know, one thing I want you to remember is their anger is just what you see on the surface.

There's so much underneath the surface. You know what they're not expressing to you? Maybe they're not verbalizing the fact that they're sad or they're lonely, or maybe they did something and they're really embarrassed by it. Maybe they did something to hurt you and they don't want to tell you, and so they're just expressing their own pain with anger towards you. Keep that in mind. Their anger is not your problem. It's not your problem to fix, and you're not the solution to their anger. Okay. I do want you to also think about the power of anger.

Anger is one of those emotions that can easily transfer to the next person. So if you're in the same environment around someone who's angry, it's really hard to stay calm. It's hard to see someone's anger or expression of anger. And you sit there and you're, like, happy. Your happiness is probably not going to calm them down. I'm sorry. I've tried it. I've seen other people try it. It's just not the time and place for that. Sometimes what I've seen that works sometimes when someone is angry is to just kind of be, even if your emotion is also high.

So if you're excited about something and they're just highly p***** off about something, those two clashing emotions will rub each other the wrong way. And then because you're excited, and now you see that that person that you're dating is not excited for you or with you, and they're expressing anger, that's probably going to make you upset. So anger is that powerful emotion that can rub off on someone else. And so if you think about that, why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who's always angry?

Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who brings you down emotionally when you're just trying to enjoy life? And why would you want to be with someone who's angry, who blames you for their anger, even if they're not directly saying that? So I'm not going to tell you if you should or shouldn't date someone who's angry. That's for you to decide. But I do want you to think about what would that be like? If I'm in a constant relationship with someone who is never happy, who is a ticking time bomb, right where I don't know if they're going to be happy with me today and upset with me the next day or even moment by moment where I might say something that's nice and kind and because they're angry, they snap on me.

Why would you want to be around someone like that? And so if you're the person listening to this and you struggle with anger, I do want you to know, like, you don't have to stay angry. You can get help with that. And it's hard. It's hard to do it on your own. And it's hard to ask someone in your life to help you with your anger because a lot of times they've probably taken in your, your anger so many times that they don't even want to be around you. Anger is a repellent. So if you're the one struggling with your own anger, I do encourage you to talk to a therapist or to dig into your faith to find some grounding within yourself and to really tap into what emotion do you really feel that's underneath that anger?

And so if you're struggling with anger, either as the person who is angry or someone who is in a relationship with someone who struggles with their anger, there is an anger assessment you can take. If you have heard of the five love languages, which most people have nowadays. If you go to that website, the five love languages, there's also the anger assessment, and it is developed for singles and for couples. And so I want to encourage you to try that and see how much anger have you experienced or how much are you putting out?

How powerful has that been in your relationship? And is there something you can do to decide, I don't want to be angry anymore. I do want to express my, the other emotions that I feel in a safe way and in a manner that's not hurting someone else. And if you're the person dating someone or married to someone who does have an issue with their anger, just know it's not your job to make them happy. It's not your job to address their anger. And you don't have to take it. You don't have to be in a state where you're being emotionally abused because they're angry all the time.

I do encourage you to stick up for yourself or if you need to remove yourself, and that doesn't always mean leaving the relationship. When I say removing yourself, that could simply be, I'm not going to spend time with you right now. I'm going to go do something else. I'm going to leave the room. I'm going to leave the house and do something productive. I'm going to go be around people where I feel safe. Doesn't mean that you have to leave the relationship, but if it is to the point where that person's anger becomes violent, I do recommend, highly recommend that you get some help and that you get yourself to a safe space.

So thank you all for listening. I hope you're having a wonderful day. Hopefully it's not stormy where you are. So it's still stormy here, but I'm going to enjoy the rest of my day with this rain and my cappuccino. Bye.