Leading With Love 💕

Hi, cadres. Fear. Anila here from habit aware. I am coming to you with my lived experience as someone with trichotillomania, which is the compulsion to pull out hair. As someone who has survived parental loss through cancer, my own breast cancer, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, probably postpartum depression, and probably some other things. Anxiety, depression, alcoholism, I don't know. You name it, I got it. But what I also have is clarity, peace, and recognition that love has always been the answer for me for every single challenge I've been through.

And that is why I'm here on the Cadre sphere, advocating that we all lead with love. And today I wanted to talk about a recent event that happened to me. Experience, if you will, and welcome share fan to our livestream today. It's good to see you here and your smiling little icon. So, yeah, I wanted to talk today about love and tennis and ask your opinion if I led with love or if I led with fright and flight. So, hi, Jocelyn. Welcome. Please feel free to chat in the comments. I, um, as we go, because I'd love your opinion here.

So I have been taking tennis lessons for a few years now, and I've been in step one, which is like intro tennis, basically, for a while. And we made a nice little group, a few of us, 3456 of us. So we've been kind of going together. And our coach said, you know, you guys, you were all ready for step two, which is the next level, and we're all like, yeah, cool, let's do it. So we went into step two class, and here's what happened. Day one, I got there and I was terrible. It was after two months of not playing.

And that morning, I was not in a really great headspace. And so I played, like, really terrible for step two. Right? Like, I played even really terrible for step one, intro tennis. And so I left there feeling like, ah, this is not where I belong. And so one was the skills, everyone else around me, yes, I had my few friends, so that core, they were encouraging me, we were encouraging each other. But there was this other group that was there that already kind of knew each other and also, you know, were really, really good.

In fact, one of them was like, oh, yeah, we should really be step three. And it somehow took me back to. To childhood, to elementary school, to middle school, where there was these, like, different groups and cliques, and I no longer felt comfortable. I no longer felt safe. And it's not anything any of these women did. It just re triggered stuff that I'm still healing from stuff that I'm still processing from. And, you know, I know that they weren't thinking bad thoughts, but I felt that. I felt that stare when I would miss the ball.

And I myself am giving myself, ah, why did you miss the ball? You're better than that. Anila. I wasn't leading with love. So after. Hi, Jules. Welcome. So after the class was over, I went up to my tennis coach, and I said, you know what? I want to go back down to step one. And so here is where I need to know if I acted in fear or if I acted in love, because I can't decide. Maybe it's both. I acted in fear because I got nervous of what other people will think about me, and I decided I want to go down to the lower level so that I could be peace.

I don't have to worry about that because I come to tennis to get out all my other worries around, work around other things. So you're saying fear, right? Yeah, Jocelyn. Yep. I do see the fear. I do see that fear. And then I also look at it from a choice of love, understanding. Like I just said, that tennis is my respite. Tennis is my place where I don't want to have to think. I don't want to have to worry. I don't want to have to feel, uh, like bad. Tennis is where I just want to have fun, and I wasn't able to have fun.

And so in that way, I see it as a loving choice because I went back to where I felt safer, where it was chiller, where everyone was new and comfortable with each other and learning together. There was a bit more of that camaraderie. And in that way, I felt like it was a loving choice because it put me back in a place where I was able to not worry. But I don't know, am I just trying to talk myself into it? And this is sort of one of the things where we have to kind of think about, how are we leading with love?

Which one, which way, which? Sometimes that action may look like love, but maybe it still is. Fear may look like me giving myself grace to say, okay, you're better than step one, but you're not quite step two yet. There's step three, kind of rationalizing and trying to figure out, yeah, did I make that choice out of fear or out of love? So what happens if it happens when you move up again? Yeah, great question. Right. Well, I think also part of it. Again, great question, Jocelyn. Like, is it going to happen again next time?

And I think it won't because I've now also recommitted to going to tennis three times a week with my crew that we created. So we're not just going to group lesson. We're also going to our own private lesson or meeting at the courts. So I think, skill wise, I'll feel more confident. Hmm. And me just saying that out loud, I think that that insight of, oh, it was a confidence issue for sure, but I didn't know it. I did know it, but I didn't articulate it then, so I love that you asked that question.

So I do think that part of the reason why I felt so, like I didn't belong there was because my skills were just so rusty after two months of not playing, so there was that and then being around folks that were just like, whoa, stellar, you know, like, super strong hits, and I wasn't there. So I really appreciate that question of challenging me to move back up, that, yes, I have to move back up, and what's gonna happen then? And I think being okay with, you know, just as I made friends that first time, I know I can make friends again, but I can't do it if I'm not in a healthy headspace.

And I really think that my lack of connecting with the ball, my stress levels were so high that day already that I think I was already in fight or flight. That's another beautiful insight, because that didn't really come through until just now. I am, to give you context, I have a memoir book deal with a mental health publisher, and I have been trying to write my memoir. And that morning, I was trying to write, and it was. It's just been so incredibly hard to get past some of these writing blocks.

And so when I got to tennis, I already was in fight or flight. It just clicked for me. And so I was already in this, like, protect mode for myself, and then to be triggered and to have those feelings from childhood come back up of unworthiness, being around. I felt like I was back around those kids that were not nice to me. I won't say bullying because it wasn't outright bullying, but I believe that bullying doesn't always have to be that outrightness. Bullying is oftentimes the being unseen, the being ignored, the being looked over, the being passed by.

And that's a lot of what I experienced was, like, people just didn't see me. I would speak, and they would speak over me kind of thing. And so getting re triggered in that way, I think added to the fight or flight that I already was in, and probably really even pushed me because even the coach was like, dude, you're just having a bad day. Come back. You're fine. Like, it's okay. And I'm like, no, I'm gonna go back down. I'm not feeling this. I ran away, Jocelyn. I think you're right. It was fear.

I ran away. But now I think I want to thank you also for this conversation, because now I understand more of why. It wasn't just that feeling of back in school. It was all the other stuff that I was bringing with me to tennis from that morning. And that is really important to understand as we live our life, that a lot of times, our interactions with people are not what they seem to be, are not that moment, but it's what else are we bringing to that moment? And leading with love in that moment. Felt like, I got to get out of here.

I got to keep myself safe. But it was fear. It was fear. It was fear that I wasn't good enough. It was fear that I was being judged. It was fear that, yeah, I don't belong. So, yeah, well, it was a beautiful lesson. At least now I know to move slower, to provide my brain more context before I make decisions like that, to recognize what else could be triggering this moment. And that is how I can lead with love. Speak, wonder. Welcome. I just saw your name. It's good to see you. Yeah, I really appreciate that question, Jocelyn.

It was fear, and I understand why now. It was not just one thing. It was a sandwich of things impacting my decision making. In that moment, I was already in fight or flight, and so I was ready to fight. Right? And so leading with love, the way that I am trying now with this particular issue scenario, is committing to three days a week with my crew to get my confidence back up, that I am a decent enough player for step two so that I can go join that one. And mostly just remembering that tennis is not something that I'm looking to become like, you know, the next great player, but just something that gets me out, gets me moving, gets me thinking about non work or non real problems in my life type stuff, so that I can just have fun.

And remembering that, I think will help me move forward with love. So, thank you for this conversation and for your very strong, insightful question that helps me see what was really happening and look beyond just that moment to what else was going on for me that day and help me see that, yeah, it wasn't love. It was fear. And it's okay, because now I understand that. And now I can move forward with love. Now I can go sign up for step two in confidence now that I've committed to myself to make space and time for my skill building there and my relationships with the folks that I already know and the folks that I am soon to know.

So thank you for being here today. I hope that by helping me process that scenario, you find a way to process some challenge in your life so that you can lead with love. I'm wishing you love, strength and awareness, and I'll talk to you soon. Thank you, Jocelyn. I'm sure your new group will appreciate your experience and you know what it feels like to. Yeah, that. Yep, exactly that. Yeah, I think it'll be all okay. And it'll be back to fun on the court, right? So thank you for being here. Thank you for supporting me in my life journey as I hope to support you.

And I'll see you next Wednesday. Bye.