Expired Mindsets 🧠 w/ Dr.Charryse: “The Difference Between Self-Respect and Self-Esteem”

Katra sphere. What is up? It is so good to see you. I am like 30 to 60 seconds later than normal. Did you think I wasn't coming wrong? Anytime you see the calendar invite, you can always bank on the fact that I am going to be there. I have to make sure I grab my hat because the hair is in process, it's in change. And those of you who have been with me before absolutely know, you know, kind of what that means. There's always a little something new. But let's get into today. This is expired mindsets with Doctor Charisse.

And if this is your first time in this space, it's me. Doctor Charryse. I'm glad that you're here. Come in, say good morning and let us know where you're from. I'm still in Charlotte. Happy to be here. Travel comes in two weeks. Let me also make a quick announcement. The week of July 1, I will not be doing any Cadre lives because I will be in London and then Greenville, South Carolina, and literally going back to back and time zones and all the things. So don't worry, don't be alarmed. I'll be back for the rest of month.

But that week, it's also my birthday week. So I'll be all about, what's up, Philly? What's up, New Jersey? I'll say, hello, North Carolina, because I'm here. Hello, Columbia. And for those of you wondering again, why are we saying that? First of all, why not? Hello, Florida. Fleming island. Tell me what that's near. I don't feel like I've heard of that, but it's great. And thank you for calling me beautiful. I feel good. I have a busy day ahead, so it was also in my best interest to go ahead and get dressed.

Let's get into the topic of the day. But first, everyone take a sip. South Jersey. I just have to say it like that. What's up upstate South Carolina? Because I've also learned that certain parts of South Carolina matter, right. And how I call them out. I'm getting it down. Oh, perfect cup of coffee. And if you can tell by my tone and my excitement, I'm feeling a little spicy. What I have for you is not spicy, but, you know, be ready at any moment. I want to talk today about the difference between self respect and self esteem and why you should always be aware of which one is leading your life, which one is leading your choices, and which one is leading your recovery.

And sometimes when we hear the word recovery, we tend to think, oh, only people who are overcoming some type of addiction are in recovery. Let me just blow that thought right out of the water. In essence, we're all recovering or working to recover from something. There's always some habit or pattern that has been wired into who we are based on our family of origin, based on how our mind is set up, based on how our body is set up. And because of that mixture and combination, we're always in a process if we want to be healthy and self aware of trying to make sure that we are not acting as our old self and recognizing, oh, I've recovered from the lesson that I learned in that area.

I've recovered from the part of me that responds to things through stress in a specific way. So here's the difference. I would suggest if you're a person who takes notes, that you go ahead and you make two columns. In one column you want to write self respect, and in the other column you write self esteem. And I'm going to go through four different kind of categories under those that that kind of identify. Not kind of, that will identify the difference between when you're operating from a place of self respect and how you're operating from a place of self esteem.

I'll go ahead and give you your application piece now. Which one is leading your life? Which one is leading your life? And be honest with yourself. Some of us have a propensity towards allowing our self esteem to lead our life. And we find that that's going to keep us on a rollercoaster of going back and forth. Whereas self respect. When we are rooted in self respect, we are clear in our communication, in our decisions, in our boundaries and caring for ourselves. I want to take one tangent and then I'll come back to filling out your column.

And I'm going to do it. I'm marking myself in two to three minutes. I was having a conversation with someone yesterday, and we were talking about the cost of your call. And the basis of the conversation was, we have to know what we're rooted in. Self respect, self esteem, self worth, which kind of intersects in both because there's a cost for our purpose. Whatever your purpose is in life. And I want you to off to the side. Answer the question. What is my purpose in this current season of life? That could be towards your vocation, towards caregiving, towards multiple things.

But what's your primary call or purpose? Because whatever that call or purpose is, it requires sacrifice. It requires you to be in the position that you're making choices that help you operate at a level in which your purpose demands even think about that. From the concept of self care. Our purpose demands that we exist at a certain level. So bringing it back. If we are in a situation where our self esteem is guiding the way, instead of self respect, we may pay a price that is too high. And then our call, our purpose, becomes difficult, it becomes challenging, it becomes overwhelming.

We doubt that we have the capacity and the ability to do the things that we're called to do when it's rooted in our self esteem instead of self respect. I will do a part two next week that talks about, well, what's the foundation of self respect and what are the components of self respect? But we'll keep it general. Gotta take another step. Self respect is values based. So values based. And then it says to you, am I acting in line with my values? That's a component of act acceptance and commitment therapy, but also just really important.

When we're operating from a mindset of self respect, we're going to be asking ourselves, am I acting in line with my values? Whereas self esteem has arbitrary criteria, do I feel good about myself? Think about that. If we actually operated on a daily basis, which we're human, sometimes we do based on do I feel good about myself? Life will be rough if you operate on a consistent basis on the belief of when I feel good about myself, then I can do well. And when I don't feel good about myself, then I crash and burn.

We've got some work to do. No shame. But where do you see yourself? Self respect has internal control that's based on actions and consequences. Here's my action. Here is the consequence of my actions. If I do this, here is the cost, not just in the short term, but also in the long term. So internal control is also not going to be shackled by immediate gratification. I'm going to sip on that. Are there any areas of your life where you've noticed that you are being shackled by immediate gratification?

Not ideal, not in line with most of our values, leads you down the wrong path. Whereas self esteem is focused on external control. So a lot of your actions, your choices, your habits and your patterns are based on other people's input. No one knows what you need more than you. No one is a greater expert in your life and in what you need more than you. But if you continue to allow other people to give you input about who you are, it will put you in a place of confusion and tear you down so that you do not esteem yourself.

And as a result of that cost, you won't live up to your purpose to the degree that you could. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of people who are operating in their calling and their purpose, struggling with their self esteem, but they're not experiencing it at the degree that they can because they're not rooted in self respect. Self respect aids your recovery. Again, broaden your lens around recovery. Recovery, viewing it as anything that we're healing from. Generational pattern, intergenerational traumas, historical traumas, past habits, past behaviors, past mindsets, past beliefs, could be anything, could be something that happened yesterday.

But self respect aids recovery because it helps you change your actions to feel better. One of the biggest things that I see in my world of therapy, of keynoting of all the things, is the number of people who want to feel better without changing their actual actions, is astronomical. And as a result of that, they stay in a cycle and a loop of frustration because they want to feel better without changing their actions. Is that you? Are you coming up with grandiose visions around who you want to be and what you want to look like and what you want to do, but you don't really want to do anything to get there.

You want to continue to operate the way that you are now. And then you're wondering, why is it not happening for me? It is not happening for you because you are not happening for you. You have to change your actions, because we also know that changing our actions changes our brains, our synapses and the way that we're wired are wired into habits. Self esteem interrupts recovery. It interrupts your change process because it encourages you to avoid feeling pain. Are you avoidant? And being an avoidant individual is sneaky.

Sometimes you're like, no, I'm very aware of my pain. Being aware of your pain and addressing your pain are two very different things. You can be aware, but then choose not to change through the lens of self respect. And that still makes you avoidant. Avoidant means you encourage yourself to back away from acknowledging and acting on your pain in ways that can help you resolve that pain. It's almost like having a wound and not treating it. Like you're saying, like, oh, this is hurt. But maybe if I just don't look at it, it'll get better on its own.

And you're not willing to do the wound care because it makes you feel bad. There is an aspect of recovering, of healing, of growth, of improvement, that does require a little throbbing. Wounds throb as regrowth occurs. So as we talk about that constant process of expiring the mindsets that are no longer helpful for you. That also means expiring the actions that are no longer helpful for you and knowing that there will be moments where you have to choose to address your pain. But what's on the other side is going to be amazing and incredible and so worth it.

Last category on both. Self respect is stable and lasting. When you tend to it, it's based on real evidence and self evaluation. Real evidence, not assumptions, but things that you can prove as truth and self evaluate evaluation, not evaluating yourself based on the input of others. Whereas self esteem is fragile, it's unreliable. It allows others to give and take away from you on a whim. Have you ever been in a situation that you have placed your esteem and worth in the hands of someone else, believing that if I got this opportunity, then I would feel valued?

If they would choose me, then I will feel a level of self worth? If I get this contract, then I know that I've done a great job? Well, guess what? There are going to be moments that you're not going to get the contract. There are going to be moments where someone is not going to choose you. There are going to be moments where they're not going to give the opportunity. And they're going to be moments where they are not going to love you the way that you deserve. And not because you are not good and wonderful and great, but because they do not have the capacity.

Or that contract was not for you. That door was not for you. So the other thing about self esteem, I'll just add this in, is it is always contingent on the yes. And if the yes isn't there, a low self esteem will immediately internalize and think, it's my fault. What did I do wrong? Why would I. Why was I not enough? Nothing's your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. That opportunity just wasn't for you. And you're always enough. But in order to believe those, you have to be rooted in self respect.

So take these two dynamics. Self respect, self esteem, chew on them, evaluate them. Notice as you move throughout the week and you make decisions as you communicate with other people, am I communicating in a way that shows the cost of my call is one that I am worth paying? Am I communicating in a way that lets other people know that I am rooted in self respect for myself and I have boundaries, and I will not allow myself to be treated a certain way? And are you making decisions to nourish yourself in ways that show that you have a level of respect for who you are and how your body is a necessary component for the work that you do.

Or are you being tossed back and forth by the whole self esteem and only having a few good days here or there? Because it's probably only a couple of times a month that we feel amazing and great about who we are the entire day. You decide, but notice the difference and also remind yourself that you get to choose every day. At which place will I operate from today? If you notice yourself in the space of your self esteem, you can always move yourself into a way of self respect. And yeah, it is very helpful because we are in a culture that has idolize self esteem, but we're also in a culture that research tells us is more lonely, is more anxious and more mentally struggling than ever before because they are constantly looking for the input of other people to validate who they are.

And that goes against how we were designed. Last thing I'll say, when we are rooted in self esteem instead of self respect, and we use all of these different levels and standards from other people and other situations to tell us who we are, it is impossible to feel content and to feel enough. Because then we're also taking in our validation and our level of worth based on unhealed and unrecovered people. So I'm a firm believer this is non clinical, this is personal. To never allow someone who is not you to fully speak into your life without evaluation.

You're going to have great people in your life that you trust. That's not what I'm saying. But there's still a difference with going, oh, you're a great friend, I see the fruit of greatness in your life. I appreciate you speaking in to my life and saying something, but then you need to evaluate it on your own lens and decide, do I accept or do I reject their hypothesis? Do I accept or reject their thoughts towards me? What parts of what they've said is valuable? And can I add to my recipe of self respect?

Or is that their own stuff? Because also recognize there's a lot of great people who mean well, but then say things in your life that cause confusion. So in order for you to have a stable and lasting countenance which allows you to operate at the place in which you can walk out your purpose, well, you must focus on real evidence. What can you prove and self evaluate everything that you do. And that process gets easier with time. When we come back next week, I'll do two things. One, we'll talk about defining self respect and what that looks like for you.

And of course, I'm going to give you just this basic definition, but I want you to create your own. And then I'll walk you through a few ways that you can actually work on self evaluation, and then we'll go from there. As you go throughout the day, continue to come back as you need to. There are some great providers up next. I know that Abby Mallard, if you've not seen her lives, is up at ten. Talking about health, my friend, focused on food, body image, loving yourself, really great lives. And then Evan will be doing a mental health Q and A at the end, and I always think that's a great opportunity to get some clear insight.

As always, I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you came. Continue to share this space and what you're receiving this space from someone who may be in need, because there are so many individuals who are struggling alone and hurting and suffering in silence. But until then, cheers. I will see you on Friday. Have a good one. Do I have research?