Coffee Chats w/ Dr. D

Hey, Cadre, what's going on? It's Dr. D here, and I got my coffee, so welcome to my coffee chat. And I am going to take a sip because I just got out of a session, so I'm a little parched, but hold on. All right. That's a strong cup of coffee. It's my second one for the day. I definitely need it because I have been up, I would say, the last two or three nights, all night long, because I'm working on a really special project. And I don't know if you're like me, but I am identify as a perfectionist.

And that's what we're going to be talking about today is perfectionism and how that impacts us and our relationships. But because of my perfectionism, I would tie that also into imposter syndrome. And I tend to wait until the last minute when I am under pressure for a deadline to get things done. Do you identify with that? If you do, drop a coffee mug in the chat for me. Let me know if you resonate with that. And I would say it is. It helps me at times because when I feel pressure, I actually get stuff done.

And I think that's the gratifying piece of it is it makes me do things that I need to do, but at the same time, it is stressful. So being a perfectionist is. It can kind of create some anxiety and makes you feel overwhelmed. It gives me, like, heart palpitations at times. I'm not gonna lie. It's not from the coffee. It's from being a perfectionist. But I've really done some deep dives into why this impacts me. And I think I developed being a perfectionist from childhood. So I remember when I was younger, I remember I got a C on a quiz.

And please forgive me if you guys can hear the sound in the background, My dishwasher is really loud. But when I was a little girl, I remember I always wanted to get all A's, and I was really a perfect student, if you want to say that. But I remember one time I brought home a C from a quiz. Not in the class, just on one test. And my mom challenged me and said, is that the best you can do? And at the time, I was like, yeah, but maybe it's not. I didn't think I could do better because I gave my all.

I remember studying really hard. I remember staying up late studying for this exam, and I got a C. And I was like, well, I passed it. That's good enough, right? But her question made me think otherwise. It made me think, did I really give my all? Did I do my best? And ever since then, I think that little nugget stuck with me, and I started to strive for perfectionism. Not that she requested that I was a perfectionist. I think that's something I internalized from that experience of I have to do better and the best all the time.

And because of that, sometimes I internalize that and I don't do what I need to do. Maybe earlier or sooner. I kind of wait until the last minute to get things done because there's some fear behind that. So if you identify with being a perfectionist, I'm curious how that impacts your relationships. So let's talk about that. So I know I'm speaking from personal experience here. Okay. Me being a perfectionist, sometimes I don't engage in conversation if I don't feel like I know the right words to say.

So I might pull back on what I want to share with someone, even if it's heartfelt, because I don't want to say the wrong thing. I don't want to say something that could be harmful, or I don't want to say something that I think will be interpreted the wrong way that will create strain in the relationship. So there have been times I don't do this anymore, but there have been times where I will choose not to speak my mind. When I was living in that. That state of perfectionism because I didn't want to hurt my relationship with a friend, romantic partner, whoever.

And I think over time, people developed the wrong image of me. People had the wrong idea of who I was. People thought I was shy, people thought I was timid or that I didn't have anything to say, would just assume that Leslie just doesn't have anything to share. And that wasn't always true. The truth was, I was just afraid to say the wrong thing. And so because I was afraid of saying the wrong thing, I didn't say anything at all. Do you resonate with that? Let me know if that's hitting you there.

Or maybe you know somebody that does that. So if you notice people who are not speaking their mind, and you might see them as, oh, they're just so quiet, or they're observant. And, yeah, I was. I'm very observant. But at the same time, I was holding back. And so if you know someone like that, maybe it's even in the workplace, why don't you open the space and ask them, hey, what do you think? Sometimes I didn't speak up until someone pushed My button, not in a negative way, but they encouraged me to speak because they asked me a direct question.

Okay, that's something to hold on to. Let me look at my notes real quick, because I want to make sure I am giving you guys what was on my mind earlier. So another thing that I do with being a perfectionist, and I'm still working on this, sometimes I will. I place a really high value on being independent. And some of that, too, comes from me being an only child. Growing up, you know, I was used to being alone. I was used to doing things on my own. I was used to my mom not always being there because she had to work so much or she was in school.

So I had to learn how to take care of myself. And because of that, I developed this sense that if I can't do something on my own, there's something wrong with me because I should be able to take care of myself. And so sometimes in relationships and friendships, even if I have to ask for help, I feel like I'm. I'm wrong. There's something that's messed up with me, like, why can't I do something on my own? And that's a complete lie that, you know, I accepted that I can't ask for help. So sometimes me asking for help gets in the way of connection.

If I feel that pull that, hey, I need to. I'll. I'll give an example. I remember when I was a little girl, my mom's car broke down. We were on the way to school, and her car broke down. And I remember my mom needing to change a tire. And for me, I'm thinking, why don't we just ask someone to help us? Why don't we, like, wave our flag, you know, and have somebody stop and help us? And she's like, no, I can do it. And I think I internalized her perfectionism and took that as that's how I'm supposed to be.

And so now, when I need help with something, even a major thing, I would first seek the information or a way of fixing things on my own. And what that does is it disconnects me from other people. It doesn't allow me to connect with people that maybe I should. But also it keeps me in the space of I'm really wasting time when I could have just asked for help. So being a perfectionist gets in the way of connection, but it gets in the way of me doing more things that I could have done because I'm wasting time trying to do it on my own.

Have you all Been there. That's a hard one. I'm still working on that. That shows up for me sometimes. Even when I'm trying to develop new programs or implement new programs, I think I have to be the one to do it. And there might be people who are willing to step up and support me, but I don't allow the space for the support because I'm like, I got to do this on my own. I have to do it the right way. And they're not going to do it the right way, and I don't want it to fail. So my perfectionism gets in the way of really the growth of things that, you know, has been birthed inside of me because I don't allow other people to join me.

And we're in this beautiful space of Cadre where we are all connecting with each other. We're connecting with our personal experiences and professional experiences. And can you imagine if we never came together, if we were all perfectionists, where we don't share with each other, we don't connect in a space that allows us to grow with each other? I think that would be a sad place to be. So I do want to thank you all for coming in and sharing this space with me today and even hearing my struggle with perfectionism.

I know I'm not alone in this, and I can tell you that's a fact because I work with so many people that also struggle with this. But we sometimes fail to identify the perfectionism because we see it in a different perspective. Maybe we see it as we are imposters or we see it as there's anxiety and we come sometimes. I'll take this, too. Sometimes we use perfectionism as a reason that, oh, well, being a perfectionist is actually a good thing because it helps me get things done or it helps me do things well.

And so we do see the fruit of doing things well and doing things right. And so we hold on to perfectionism as if that's the way we're supposed to be. But I just want to challenge that today. And I'm challenging myself because I'm still working through that sometimes that we don't have to be perfect in what we do. What we do need to be is hardworking. Yes. We have to be ones that strive for greatness. Yes. And operate out of a place of excellence. Yes. But we don't have to be perfect at it. Okay, I'm going to leave you with that.

I hope you guys have a wonderful day. I do want to thank you for joining me. And if any of this is hitting you. Or maybe if there's someone you're thinking of that you want to share this with, please drop that in the comments. And for those of you watching the replay, I do watch them, too. So if you want to leave a comment for me or message me, I welcome that. Have a wonderful day and don't forget your coffee. Bye.