Infertility: Girl, You Are Not a Failure!

Hey, Cadre family doctor Carrie here. This video might be a little bit triggering for some people that have experienced infertility, so I just want to put that out there before I get started. I remember the day that I miscarried my baby, and it's honestly taken me a long time to be able to say those words out loud. And it's still hard because when you experience a loss like that, you're losing not only a part of who you are, but something that was inside of you and something that you had a lot of hope for.

So it's a grieving process. It really is. And I never really allowed myself to process that grief for a long time. The harder part was even that my doctor didn't even acknowledge that I had a miscarriage. So I kind of just pushed it out of my mind for a long time. And it wasn't until I went through this workshop last fall that I really had the healing that I needed from it. And I want to share a little bit about my journey with infertility and just the emotions that a woman goes through to just maybe shed some light on this topic and also just to give you some hope, because it is.

Is really hard. I definitely always wanted kids. Still do. And I got married and found myself really looking forward to the day that I could become a mom. There's just something about being a woman that you get to do this, that this is like a skill set that only you have, which is pretty special. And so the process of conceiving a child can be really fun, right? That's the whole part of it. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case for me. My ex husband and I had very little intimacy in our marriage. And so when we decided we wanted to start having a family, it was not fun.

It was not natural. It just. It felt very transactional, felt like a job. But I was still just so excited to be a mom and just believing that I was going to get pregnant. And then when it didn't happen, month after month after month, we saw the doctor and he said, you know what? I'm not really sure why you're not getting pregnant. You're young, you're healthy. There's nothing else wrong with you. Let's just start infertility treatments right away because I don't want you to have to waste any more time, which I think is a funny way to say it, because are you really wasting time if you're having intimacy with your spouse?

I don't think it's wasting time, but I understand what he was saying, and I then had the opportunity to try infertility treatments. I did two rounds. And it really does something to your mental state to go through that process, because you start to feel broken as a woman. Like, this is a job I'm supposed to be able to do. This is my responsibility in the world, right, to bring a child into this world. I was gifted with these organs to do that, and I can't do it on my own. So just the mental game that starts when you start doing infertility, whether you're just taking pills, shots, whatever you're doing, it just starts to really take a toll.

And I remember my first appointment after I had taken the drugs and given myself the injections and went in for my ultrasound. I did the intake with the nurse and before I saw my doctor, and they were going to ultrasound to see if I had any viable follicles so that I could see if I was going to potentially be able to get pregnant. And she goes, and one of the intake questions, she's literally sitting over here staring at her computer screen, going through, like, you know, when was the first day of your last period?

This and this and this. Did you take the medicine? And then she asked me the question, have you had any stress during this process? And I just looked at her like, she's literally not even looking me in the eye as she's asking me this question. And I'm thinking, who doesn't have stress during this process? Who is this easy for? And why do you ask that question? Because it was so triggering to me of, like. Like, I shouldn't have stress over this process? Or are you telling me I should, like, even the way she asked it, I don't remember the exact wording she used, but it was just, like, so judgmental almost that, like, I shouldn't be having stress with this process.

It's just normal that people come in here every day. And so it just made me angry. It made me so angry. And let me just paint the picture for you here. So in addition to all of the stuff you have to do, all of these multiple appointments you have to go to, you're also on hormones that your body is not used to, so you feel like a crazy person. Okay. I literally felt pregnant. I wasn't somebody who cried very easily, and now I cry a lot more easily. But I would find myself scrolling through Facebook and just bawling my eyes out at some cute video of a dog.

And I'm like, what is happening to me? This is not normal. And it's different when you have a baby growing inside of you, and you can chalk it up to being pregnant. That's great. My hormones are all out of whack, but here I'm taking supplements, hormones, all these things, and feeling awful and not feeling like my normal self, and in the process, not even knowing if I'm getting pregnant, then there's that waiting every month of, did it work this time? Did it not? And I only did two rounds of infertility.

So I feel like I probably don't have enough war stories to share with some people that have really gone through a lot of this. But I can tell you the second you get your period, you feel like a complete failure. And if that resonates with you, I want to tell you today that you're not a failure, because it took me a long time to start believing that about myself. The second time that I got my period, it was late. And that is when I miscarried. Something my doctor said, oh, it was probably nothing.

I worked as an ER nurse. I saw a lot of people have miscarriages. I saw a lot of products of conception, and I know what it looks like, and so I know what I saw, and I definitely miscarried. And he just said, well, you know, don't know what that was. Don't worry about it. We'll try another round. And that was when I decided I was done, because I felt, like, such a failure that there was something wrong with me that I couldn't get pregnant. There was nothing wrong with my ex husband. Just to. Just to clarify, he actually had three times the normal amount of sperm as a normal guy.

And so, like, definitely not on him. It was all on me. So there's something physically wrong with me that I can't get pregnant. And I really, really sat with this for, like, two years that I am a complete failure as a woman. There's something wrong with me. I am never going to be able to do this. And it even showed up in relationships after I got divorced because I would, you know, say, I want to have a family. I would like to adopt children. Like, that's really been on my heart, but I would say this, like, almost on a first date sometimes.

Hey, by the way, I can't have kids. So if that's a problem with you, you shouldn't want to date me. Just let me know now. And I'd get these looks from guys, like, okay, like, we went far. We went really far on the first date here. But I just. I had this. Like, I wanted to label myself with it. I wanted to just walk around with this billboard on my chest that said, like, I can't have kids for you. So I'm flawed as a female, and you should know that upfront so you don't get invested into this and find that out later.

I just want to speak to any woman or man out there that has struggled with this process and just know that even if there is something physically wrong with you, because they never actually did find out if there was something wrong with me. They couldn't figure it out. They're like, we don't know what's wrong with you, but we're going to keep trying and maybe we should just jump to IVF. But just know that even if there is something physically wrong, that you can't have a baby, you are not a failure.

There is nothing wrong with you as a person. And you don't have to carry the shame that I carried for like, two years after this process. And I can only imagine had I gone on longer and done more treatments and done IVF and had that fail as well, what that would have done to my mental state. So if you were in that place right now, I just want to give you hope that there's nothing wrong with you. You are perfect the way God made you. And just know that there are other people that have struggled with those same emotions that you're going through, and there's community resources in these areas.

Find support. Totally find support. That was the other thing that I did, was I isolated really bad during this time. My family didn't even know that I was having infertility problems and getting infertility treatment. Because you feel so shameful about it that you don't want to talk about it with anybody. But know that there's so many people that go through this that there's no shame in it. That's why they made modern medicine, that's why there are these resources out there. So there's no shame in needing fertility treatments or help in that area.

Just like you would take a medication for depression or blood pressure, there is no shame in it. And so I just want to encourage you today that you are a perfect whole person, regardless of what your body is capable of doing or not. And I just want to just tell you that today because it took me a long time of healing and really going through the grief as well that I went through to release myself from that shame, from those expectations that I had over myself that were unrealistic and just start to love myself for who I am and how it was created to be hope that was encouraging for you today, and I would love to hear your feedback on, you know, things that you've struggled with, maybe other topics that you would want to, want to talk about in this area, because I, I know that there's a community of people out there that have been through what I've been through, and I just want you to know you're supported.

God bless.