Rules of Engagement

Good morning, Cadre. Welcome to February 11th. I hope that you are doing well today. We're going to talk about my guideline, I guess is what I'm calling this other list. There's not a rule of engagement, but it's just guidelines. And I'm going to talk about number 14. And number 14 is a little bit controversial and I didn't choose it in honor of Valentine's Day, but let's say I did anyway. And welcome to my wet hair. By the way. It was either workout, shower and do this or don't work out, don't shower and do this.

And I wasn't gonna skip my workout. So you all get to be with my wet hair. Hello, everybody. Who is joining? I'm seeing some names. Alec, Hello. I think I saw other couple other people come in, but it's not showing up on my screen. We're going to talk about guideline 14 and it is a controversial guideline even to me, especially with me. Actually, I put this on my guidelines because it's something that I know is true, but I don't like to know it's true. I'm not pleased that I know that this, that this guideline is accurate and useful.

Hello, Speak Wonder. Welcome. I'm not pleased about what I'm talking about today, but one of the reasons I chose it is because it's a good reminder for me right now, this afternoon. So I work for myself and going through some transition in my business. Some clients have sunsetted. I'm bringing on board some new people. org and they will connect you to a local business coach. C. who is the person I connected with as a business coach because I need some help. I need a lot of help. Actually. It's one of the themes of this year is how much help can I ask for.

And since the amount of help I want to ask for is zero, even after 35 years in recovery, I want to ask for zero help. But I need a lot of help if I'm going to meet my mission, my life mission, my work mission. I need help that has been made very clear to me. So I just got back from San Francisco last night, so I'm a little tired. Jet lag is real. From West Coast, East Coast. I was at the San Francisco Writers Conference, which was great. So given all of that background and at this, I will say at the San Francisco Writers Conference, I got a lot of help from experts who know things.

I didn't go for the sessions about writing per se. I went for sessions about play, platform building, brand building, habit formation, how to connect with people in the industry, advice about my particular situation. It was great. I'm glad I went. So what is guideline 14? Guideline 14 is work harder, unquote is rarely the right answer. The solution to my problem is rarely work harder or working harder. And that is a very un American thing to say. It's a very non middle class thing to say. It is not a very Protestant thing to say, but work harder.

K. Matsuko that's how it looks on my screen. Welcome. I'm so glad you're here. Work harder is rarely the answer to a problem I'm facing, including with my current business. And that is a tough pill for me to swallow because so much in my life has come through persistence and hard work. And I'm not saying don't work hard, although there are days where that is. Actually, it's hard for me to work hard given some of the mental health issues I've been struggling with. And so that I've had to allow that to be true.

That's a talk for another day. We've talked about the I have to start from where I am, not from where I think I should be or from where I wish I were. But it's rarely work harder. It's not like just, you know, if I'm trying to use a hammer to screw in a screw, it's not going to go better if I hammer harder. It's not going to go better if I'm trying to screw in a nail with a screwdriver, continuing to twist, twist, twist, twist, twist on the nail. If I'm not pursuing the right strategy, working harder at the wrong strategy is not going to make it any better.

Just because I have sunk costs in a strategy mean that I should just keep sinking the costs. The sunk cost fallacy, we fall prey to that a lot as human beings. We'll stay in bad situations because we've put so much energy into it. Right? That's a work harder conundrum. Sometimes. Sometimes work harder is the answer. Sometimes it is. But mostly I have found in my life, like I want to say, nine times out of 10, to be generous to my deep desire to work harder as a solution to my problems. 7 times out of 10 it is not going to do the trick.

So what are alternatives to work harder? Take a step back, Give your brain a break. If it's a brain problem, allow your mind to think in fresh ways. Get some rest. Sometimes resting is good. Sometimes withdraw from the field of engagement and then move to a different place and approach the problem in a new way. Like me getting a business coach. It's like I did the best I could with what I had and that was not getting me where I needed to go. So I need an infusion of someone else's thinking and ideas.

I call it getting more air in the room, getting more light in the room. When I was having trouble getting an agent for my book proposal, I was like, okay, I took 30 days, I didn't even try. And I wrote other stuff and posted them on my own medium page because I just needed to let some air in the room. I needed there to be different energy in the project. It wasn't work harder at find an agent. It was try a different project for a little while. Eventually I did find an agent, which is its own slew of difficulty again for another day.

But so sometimes it's withdraw, sometimes it's work less, sometimes it's, you know, don't work harder, work smarter. Sometimes working smarter really is the idea. That's not what I'm here to. I'm not here to just give you that sound bite and leave it at that. But sometimes it is work smarter. Sometimes it is. I'm not going to work harder today, but I am going to focus more at the work that I am doing. Meaning I'm going to set the timer for 25 minutes and that's all I'm going to do for 25 minutes.

But then I can take a break. And I know Pomodoro method Sundays take a five minute break, but I would say sometimes I need to take a 10 minute break or work for 25 minutes and then just go do something else for like a couple hours and come back to it and give myself the ability to have some fresh thinking. An infusion. Yes, an infusion. Sometimes I have to go use a different part of my brain. I have to go create some art or appreciate some art, listen to some music. I sing. I was just singing. I sing in the shower.

It does sound better. The acoustics are great in most bathrooms, so singing in there is really fun. But I try and sing every day. A, because I love singing and B, because it gets my mind and my body more connected to each other and it feels really good. And then now I've been singing with a voice coach long enough that it's actually an emotion. I can actually express some emotions through singing in a way that I never have been able to before. So. So work harder is mostly not the right answer, but it is the answer most Americans give ourselves and each other.

Well, you know, we just weren't working hard enough. Sometimes it's not about you at all. Sometimes you have to sit back and see the state of play. You have to sit back and say, why isn't this working? What is getting in the way? And for some of us, ableism is getting in the way. For some of us, external coming at us. For some of us, sexism or racism coming at us is messing with our heads. Right? So that might be what's getting in the way, but also it's just creating a structural barrier. And if your answer to that is work harder, then you're not crafting a solution to the problem you're actually facing.

Because if the problem isn't you're not working hard enough, then the solution is not work harder. Sometimes the problem is you're not working hard enough. Got to be honest. We get to be honest with ourselves about that, but most of the time, it's not. And so you have to figure out what problem you're actually trying to solve. Right. One of the things I loved about being at the San Francisco Writers Conference this past week, talking to acquiring editors, agents, other writers, publicists, coaches, all sorts of people were there.

The project I've taken on is a difficult one. It was nice to get external validation that the problem I've taken on is a difficult one. Right. My mission in life is enrolling white people in the work of racial equity. And the whole world is set up to keep us out of it. It's not just me. I'm not just making up. It's not just, I need to work harder. I get to hone my strategies, think more strategically, and stop blaming myself for the fact that it's a challenging task. I took it on because it's challenging, but then I like to forget that it's challenging.

So speak wonder, what do I sing? I love to belt out the Broadway songs. I. What was it this morning? I have repertoire. It turns out when you take voice lessons, you do a whole bunch of vocal exercises. And I still do those, but then eventually you start working on songs so you can learn technique, and you work on the songs over time. And then I sing not with somebody, but, like, on my own. So this morning, what did I sing? I sang the K D Lang version of Hallelujah. I sing that because I find it a very healing and holy song for me as well as just a great song.

I sang I put the Annie Lennox version of I Put a spell on you because that is super fun to sing. And I sang Bonnie Raitt. Give them something to talk, Something to talk about. These are songs that I've worked on over time. Some of them I, you know, the Bonnie Raitt song I was singing with my coach like two or three years ago. But sometimes I like to just pull it out and belt it. Other times I just sing along with playlists that I have. I don't know a ton of Broadway tunes, although I know a fair number.

But I really like pop music and rock music. So, yeah. My guideline for life is that work harder is rarely the solution to my problem. It's take a break, look at it a fresh way. It's what problem I do, what problem am I actually facing. And unless the problem is I'm not working hard enough, then the solution is not work harder. It may be work hard. It may be that the solution adds work to my plate. That happens a fair amount. But that's not the same thing as work harder. Right? Just muscle through.

That's work more strategically, and that is solving the problem I'm actually facing. Singing is so cathartic. I started it in lessons three years ago this month in 2022, as part of my fun list in 2022. And I've been taking lessons ever since. And that was before I realized how good it is for your nervous system. It's very good vagal toner, for example, for people who are working on their vagus nerve relationship and situation. Humming is good for that too. I do a lot of humming as well, so it is cathartic.

And I, you know, when I was going through my divorce in 2006, I sang in my car like my heart was breaking, because it was. And I would not have gotten through my divorce as well as I did if I had not sung in my car. Sometimes the answer isn't work harder. It's to tend to your mental health. Because then work feels easier for some of us. Sometimes if I'm tending to my mental health, it's just easier to have the capacity to do the things that need doing in my day. Have to force myself to do things as much if I am tending to my physical and mental health fully.

So guideline number 14 is rarely is the solution to my problem work harder. So let me know. I'll post something about it in the app at some point today. Share in the app Let me know what you think about working harder and if you're thinking freshly about a problem you're facing where you just thought, if I just keep working harder at this, it'll get better. It's true in relationships. Sometimes the thing in relationship is not if I just worked harder at being a better partner, things would go better.

Sometimes it's not you, or sometimes the solution is work harder at, you know, a different solution. Meaning maybe your problem isn't being in the relationship. Maybe your problem is the relationship. You know, whatever it is. I say that because I got divorced and at some point I had to realize that for myself. But this was 20 years ago. I'm still married to my husband now. Yeah, I realized I was trying to solve the wrong problem. So I hope Cadre, that you all have a great week. I look forward to talking next week and I'll see you in the Cadre app, if not out in the wide world and wherever you are.

I hope things go really well for.