Live with Dr.Charryse 🧠: “ How To Break Free from Toxic Loyalty”

Good morning, good afternoon or good evening depending upon when you listen to this. Welcome to life with Dr. Charisse. Here we are for another, I believe, wonderful moment together. Anytime that we can just slow down, be in the same space, think, reflect, grow is a good moment. And I'm happy that you're here. Good morning, Jade and mommy as always. Come in. Hello Gwen. And let me know where you are. Hello Andrea. And rate your week. How is it going? Hello, good morning, Steph, Erwin and of course Trina.

Speak wonder. Let me know where you are. I appreciate the hearts you guys are on it already. I'm feeling the love. Much appreciated. I am still in my hometown. Good morning, Robert. Hello. Show enough. I love your names. I know that they're not all your real names, but it's great. Hello from Billy. So hello from North Carolina. If this is your first time here. I'm Dr. Charisse Johnson, a licensed clinical mental health therapist, mindfulness practitioner and author. And I come to you a few times a week.

Hello Lake Erie. So we can talk about life, how to get through it and how to protect our peace and our well being along the way. Because it does require our participation. Right. I always say this, especially those of you who have been around me. Hello, Statesboro. Hello Brooklyn. What's up, New York? Your progress will always be parallel to your participation. So there is no such thing as sitting back and thinking that life. Hello, northern Jersey. Dr. Teresa is going to just automatically be great.

We have to do the work. Hello, Northern Minnesota. If I would rate my week. I know it's still pretty early in the week. I don't think I've ever given myself this rating this week is a 10. It is a thing. I'm hoping that it holds to that. But so far it has been an absolute wonderful week and I'm gonna do everything that I can to continue to make it great. We've been talking about toxic loyalty. Last session I spent some time defining what toxic loyalty is. It is when you have an excessive loyalty to a person, group, organization or, or belief or mindset.

Right? So it's important to not only think about toxic loyalty when it comes to other people, but also your own belief system. Here's something that I would like for you all to share. Here's an invitation to share if you're comfortable. I want you to think about growing up. What were you taught about loyalty? Whether that was specifically something that was told to you or something that was modeled to you. And I want you to go there for a moment because part of understanding how toxic Loyalty may show up in your life is recognizing what did you learn?

What were the influences in your life? Saying or not saying. For example, if we grew up in a home where there was someone who had a beautiful heart but toxic loyalty, and we watched them stay in situations that weren't healthy, whether we want wanted to or not, we would still kind of get from them. Don't leave, don't make adjustments. Put up with it. Fix yourself, change yourself. A lot of us have been taught the if then theory. Oh, deal with what you choose. Yes, the if then, well, if I do this, then maybe they will treat me this way.

Does that sound familiar? That is such a classic dynamic, and that is an element of toxic loyalty. And it doesn't work and it's extremely unhealthy because then you're putting all of the work on you and then become frustrated if you feel like, well, I'm doing things differently, I'm saying things differently, I'm trying all these things. But why is it this person responding the way that I would like them to or the way I need them to, if then can also be a part of our mindset. So toxic loyalty and if then go together, if I don't really think about the way this makes me feel, then maybe it won't be so bad.

If I just stay faithful and continue to forgive this friend who is not kind to me, then it will be honorable. Right. So you really have to kind of fill in the if then for you. But again, continue to let me know, what did you learn? What was modeled for you when it comes to toxic loyalty, then for our focus of today, that was just a little recap. Yeah. Adjust our behavior. Yes. But the other party was not held accountable. And you know, Gwen, that's a great point. I feel like that can even show up between siblings or in families.

Sometimes we even have that one or more siblings. Depending upon how many people were in your family where it's, oh, that's just how they are. They're the little this, they're the older that, they're the brother, they're the sister. It could go either way. But yeah, we have a lot of instances. You even could be in situations where adults, unfortunately in your life as a child never changed their behavior. And that left you very confused around, why am I being treated this way if I've done nothing but try to love them?

If I am being the best that I can, why is it never enough? Right. So there are situations, let's acknowledge, where you might even have a parent or two that you had no choice to tolerate. So a lot of times if we have parents that have unaddressed mental health dynamics, then we're taught deal with it. Stay, you don't have a choice. And so then when we get in other relationships, it's hard for us to consider, wait a minute, I don't have to put up with this anymore. Because you're used to it. So, yeah, things like deal with what you choose.

You're the person who needs to adjust the behavior. The other party may not be held accountable. You have to take more than you give. Oh, I've heard that so many times are. Mmm. Jules, thank you for that share. Or even being told you have an attitude problem. And we hear that a lot when we are working to cut ties or break a toxic cycle. And we'll get into that just a little bit today I'm probably going to break up this how to break free from toxic loyalty into two parts. Because I don't want to just fly through all the interventions.

But I do want to say this, Jules. It made me think of it when you said, I was told that the attitude problem by my parents. When you're breaking the cycle of toxic loyalty, sometimes with yourself, sometimes with an organization, sometimes with other people, you will often get pushback. Right? You'll feel guilty if it's between you and you. Other people may try to make you feel. Tell me if you've heard this one before, like you're selfish. Give me some hearts. If you've ever heard that if you attempted to do something for yourself that was outside of your toxic loyal pattern, or you just dealing with it all, if you verbalize something, if you communicated, I need something to change.

And you were ever told you think you're all that or you're being very selfish or what's wrong with you. Give me some hearts. If I could heart, I would be there. Maybe we need to make that an accommodation for cadres that I need to be able to show some hearts to because I've heard it multiple times and then it makes you second guess. Wait a minute. I'm trying to do the right thing. I'm trying to put some boundaries in place. Here's the bottom line to breaking free from toxic loyalty. It means yes, when the boundary setting upsets them, but that's also how you know you're on the right track, meaningful connections that you want to stay in your life.

We want it to be a balance of self respect and compassion. If you don't remember anything, Good morning, Andy, then I want you to Remember, if self respect and compassion for that other person aren't coexisting, then it's quite likely that you're in some type of toxic pattern with that person, with that organization, or with the mindset. If you have anything that you believe about yourself or you're saying to yourself that compassion doesn't exist and it's also not self respect. It's not something that you would say to another person.

There's a toxic nature in place. So what are some things that you can do to help break free from toxic loyalty and foster good relationships with yourself and others? Yeah, Told. You're too direct and harsh. And you know, directness and harshness really is subjective. I'll give a great example because we've got people from all over. There are things that I could say in the north, same tone, same words, same demeanor, and someone in the northern hemisphere would just be like, okay, great, blah, blah, blah.

Get it. Thanks for letting me know and move on. I could say the same thing in the south, and I've done it. So that's why I'm saying this. And then someone will ask, are you okay? That felt a little harsh. That seemed really mean. You're. You're so direct. And I'm like, wait, what? Because I told you the truth? Because you actually know what I think instead of me saying it behind your back. It's a different demeanor and dynamic. So one of the other things is you want to constantly work on. This isn't a strategy, but it's something to keep in mind.

You want to constantly work on making sure that you are comfortable and confident in what you're communicating, regardless of how other people respond. Right? The right people will respond the right way. If I had some coffee, I would take a sip here. The right people will respond the right way. They will adjust with your boundaries. You won't have to explain it to them. They'll go, oh, okay. Thank you for telling me. You're right. I need to help you more. Forgive me. You're so right. I've been letting you carry the load of that too much.

You know what? You're right. I've been asking you to do the job of two people instead of the job of one. And we have not been compensating you for that. And this has lasted significantly longer than we thought. We need to correct that. The right people will react the right way, and people who are not in a good place will react with pushback, with manipulative statements, with guilt, with trying to shame you, trying to tell you that you're different. Yes, I am. I'm awake now. Glad you noticed. Welcome to the new me.

You can say that to them if you're comfortable. So first, strategy Again, you can add to this list as we go along. Redefine what loyalty means to you. Toxic loyalty often comes from the belief that leaving means betrayal or that love requires sacrifice at all costs. I am not telling anybody to leave anything. Right. But what I am saying is you deciding to leave a job or an organization or step down from a role or leave a mentality isn't betrayal. And it can feel like betrayal from the people who taught us those things.

So there are certain things and certain beliefs, for example, that we have that are toxic to us, but we learn them in our family of origin. So there's a part of us that feels like, well, if I don't stay and do these things, then I'm betraying what my family taught me. But your family may have been caught in some toxic patterns themselves. And love does include compromise, but it does not require sacrifice at all costs. That's unhealthy. So healthy loyalty means mutual respect, support and care, not total and complete self sacrifice.

I'm not going to ask you to share this, but I do want you as a reflection point from today to consider where are you self care sacrificing too much? I asked you a similar question last week. I want to ask it again. You don't have to share here, but I want you to reflect on that. Were you self sacrificing too much? And here's something that you can say to yourself. I want you to remind yourself, I can be loyal while also protecting my well being. That's the goal, right? Self respect and compassion for that other person.

So here's an action step. Write down what healthy loyalty looks like for you. And your definition may have changed from last month, last year, a few years ago, it may have changed based on your season of life and what your needs are. So I also want you to consider what does healthy loyalty look like for you? Now write that down and then I want you to compare it to some of your past definitions of loyalty to see if there's anything changed, if anything has changed. Number two, recognize your right to set boundaries.

Loyalty shouldn't come at the expense of your mental, emotional or physical health. Almost want you all to write that in the chat. Loyalty should not come at the expense. Raise your left hand, I'll have you raise your right hand, my left and say with me. Loyalty should not come at the expense of my Mental, emotional, physical health. Toxic loyalty will impact your physical health. That will be a whole thing that I do. We're going to stay on this for a while because it's sneaky. Your physical health can be impacted by self sacrificing.

Actually was looking at an amazing new study that talked about that that I won't get into right now, but it's coming. So setting a boundary doesn't mean that you don't care. It means that you value the relationship enough to be honest. Honest with yourself, honest with the other people, honest with that organization. People who genuinely respect you will honor your, listen, your limits. So here's an example of boundaries to try. Here's a toxic boundary. I have to be available 247 for my friend or my children or they'll think I don't care or my spouse.

Whatever it is, you fill it in. A healthy boundary says, I care about you, but I need time for myself too. I can't always be available, but I will support you when I can. I want you to think about all the times that you. Not every now and then being there for somebody, but when you've just really overdone it and you know, okay, this is not good. I'm not sleeping, I'm not eating. I'm so busy being there for everyone that I'm not being there for myself. So here's an action step. Last one I'm going to give you for this meeting.

Start small. I want you to pick one boundary that you've struggled to maintain. So this could be something that you've tried to put in place before. And I want you to practice reinforcing it in a low stakes situation. So not with the people that you care about the absolute most because then you'll retract or recoil. Start small. What's a boundary that you struggle to maintain? So think of something that you're like, I was doing well with this boundary, then I kind of got off. But when I was keeping that boundary, whether it's a boundary with yourself or a boundary between you and another person, then you felt like, okay, this was exactly what I needed.

I told you a story. I said, this was the last one. I want to give you one more. All right? Redefine what loyalty means to you. Recognize your right to set boundaries. Last one of this wive, I promise. Detach from guilt and obligation. Toxic loyalty thrives on guilt and the fear of disappointing others. So my people pleasers or my people pleasers in recovery, this is going to be hard for you, but you can do it and it's going to feel amazing. On the other side, real quick, I had a session yesterday with a long term client who is a recovered people pleaser.

And there's levels to it. Right in the beginning it's like, oh my gosh, what have I done? And then it's like, okay, I did it. I'm still a little shaky, but it's not too bad. And then you get to this place where you're like, yeah, I don't know what's wrong with them. I'm not worried about it. And just to see her, it's been years, just so you know. But to see her go through the progression of being terrified, feeling guilty, feeling obligated, to getting to the point where she could genuinely say, I don't have to own their reaction, I don't have to own their work.

The work that they're choosing not to do in their lives is not my responsibility was huge. And it's been something that has been incredible in every area of her life. And let me say this, sometimes we are people pleasers in specific areas, right? You may not be one in a work situation, you may not be one in an organization, but you might be one in your family. And so it's also helpful to go, where does it show up for me? Where am I stronger? Where am I more likely to set boundaries? So ask yourself, if it's a mindset, if it's a responsibility, if it's a partnership, am I staying in this mentality in this organization, for example, because I truly want to or because I feel obligated to?

Oh, I know it's a hard question, but an important one. Then recognize that your worth is not defined by how much you give up for others. Every live, I feel like I have one thing that I say and in my mind I'm like, if you don't remember anything else, this is what I want you to remember. That's the key. Your worth is not defined by how much you give up for others. So a mantra to remember is, my boundaries are valid even if they make others uncomfortable. All right, and an action step for this intervention is when guilt creeps in.

Pause and ask, is this guilt justified or is it conditioning? Would I want someone I love to feel obligated in this way? Would you put that kind of pressure and responsibility on another person? But again, key aspect, your worth is not defined by how much you give up for others. We want self respect and compassion to work together. Okay? I don't want to over saturate you because you know I can talk, but I hope that you truly found some very tangible strategies that you can use and go back to these action steps.

I'm working to continue to not only tell you things that are enlightening and insightful, but go. Okay. Once you leave here, I gave you things that you can do so that you can shift the way you're showing up in your life and the way you're interacting with life yourself and with others. As always, I'm so glad that you chose to come and be in this space. Listen to this on replay as you need. Or if you have a friend and you see some toxic loyalty in their life, go. You need to go. Listen to this, earmark it, save it, and then I will see you on Sunday.

Have a good one.