Coffee Chats w/ Dr. D

Hello, Kandre. Forgive me, I'm a minute late. I had to make some more coffee. Just got out of a session as usual, and I drank all my coffee in that session. But I'm here. Welcome to my coffee chat. Today we're going to be talking about something I've been thinking about lately, as this shows up in so many relationship dynamics, but just wanting to challenge the idea of going 50, 50 in relationships. Hi, Jules. Welcome. And please forgive me today if my voice sounds a little off. I woke up this morning and sounded like a dude.

I don't know what's going on. I'm blaming Perimenopause for it. Maybe it's a new symptom that they haven't talked about yet. But my voice drastically changed overnight. I don't know what happened, but I'm here. So going to get back to it. We're going to talk about challenging the idea of going 50, 50 in relationships. And I really don't know where that idea came from or why it exists. And I think. Let me just think about that. Maybe it came from feminism. I'm just throwing this out there. I am not a feminist, but I would just guess that that is something that came out of that movement for women to have equality and for there to be equality in relationships.

So we talk about going 50, 50. I do this much, you do this much, and it's equal. And I've never liked that idea because I think we should be 100, 100 when we go into relationships, especially when it's a romantic partner and a life partner. You don't want to go halfway and only get half of what the other person has to give as well. So I want to challenge this 50, 50 in relationships and just talk about how unhealthy it really is. So going 50, 50 in relationships is not a sign that there's health in this relationship dynamic.

Because relationships are give and take. Relationships are fluid. And if there is no fluidity, give and take in relationships, that doesn't feel good. Like, tell me what that feels like for you. So if you are giving and giving and you don't get anything back, or you just get a little bit back, Right? So think about the times when you might do something for someone because you feel obligated to do it because you're in this connection, whether it's a friendship or romantic relationship, and you give, and then they just give a little bit just to kind of balance it out.

That's not fluidity in relationships. Right. And that goes into my second point of this Unspoken pressure we have to perform in relationships because we want to keep a connection. So I'm going to do this, and then you do this for me, and then I'm going to do this and then you do this for me. That just. It doesn't feel right. It feels very transactional and healthy. Relationships are not transactional. There are going to be times in our relationships where there might be some imbalance. So you might be doing way more than your partner is doing because it's necessary.

And that's how we show up for each other. There might be things that we have, like our personal gifts, right. Who we are needs to elevate in times of a relationship where that person needs us more than we need them. And then at one point that might flip where we need more of them that we're able to give. We just don't have the capacity to do that. And I kind of reflect on this, and I think about some friendships that I've been in, where I've been in some, maybe some lonely places or, you know, just struggling as a single mom at times where I'm seeing everyone around me being in these romantic relationships, and I don't have that.

All I have is friends, right. And needing that connection so bad, where I might pull on them more than they're pulling on me. Right. That shows up, I think, throughout our lives where we need other people at times more than they need us. And that's okay. That's the fluidity that I'm talking about in relationships. So going 50, 50, having this mindset of I do this, you do this, and we're equal. It just. It's unrealistic and it's just not. It's not a sign of health in relationship. But. But I also want to challenge the idea that when we try to focus on being 50, 50 in relationship, that we're not giving all of ourselves.

And think about times, maybe it was when you first meet someone, right? Especially if you're in the dating world, when you first meet someone, you're trying to fill them out. So you may not be in a place where you're ready to go all in and give them 100%. And I don't encourage that from the very beginning, but do need to test people to see are they worthy of your hundred percent. Right. But when you get to know someone well enough where they are showing up just as much as you're showing up for them, yes, go all in.

But this 50, 50, if you keep that mindset as you get to know someone, as you Feel a little more connected. And you stay at 50, 50, you will never be your best self for them, and they will never be their best selves for you. So I got notes here, y' all, for once. And so I want to just kind of give you some insight of if you are feeling like you're in this space or you know someone who is, what you can do. Okay, one is it always starts with us. So I want you to take time and do some reflection and take inventory of how are you showing up in the relationship.

So you might start to make a list of all the things you've done for someone. I did this. I did this. I showed up for their birthday party. I did this for them. I gave them a gift. And you might reflect on what they've done for you. Well, they didn't give me a gift. They didn't call me for my birthday. And you might start to notice the imbalance. But why is it imbalanced? Maybe there were times when you were giving more because you had the capacity to do so. And maybe they weren't giving as much because they didn't have capacity.

Maybe they didn't have the money, Maybe they didn't have time. Maybe they didn't have the emotional space to be there and show up for you. And does that mean that because they didn't show up or that they're not doing something for you, that they don't care that they are not as invested in you, it's not. Is not completely true. So take an inventory of your own actions, how you're showing up for someone. And then two, I want you to encourage yourself to think about are you reaching out more than the other person?

And if that's the case, maybe you do need to take inventory of what is the meaning of this relationship. And sometimes relationships are necessary because you are just there to serve a purpose in that person's life. Doesn't mean that they're supposed to show up for you in the same way. And so if you are in your purpose of just being there for that person, know that that's all that's needed and that's okay. There doesn't have to be a deeper level connection on both ends. Maybe you're just showing up to be that supporter or you're showing up to be that person's friend, but you don't need friendship for them.

And I think I've experienced that in life too. And sometimes that shows up where you might be a mentor to someone and they see you as a friend, but you're just showing up in the space of I'm a mentor to you. I'm giving you insight, I'm giving you advice, but they interpret that as friendship. So the other part of what to do is really think about what roles are the people in your life playing for you. So if you put them in the space and in this role of you're my friend or you're my romantic partner, and they don't see themselves that way, then there might be this feeling of, we need to do 50.

50. Okay, so just challenge that. And then the other thing to think about is, why do you initiate connection? So are you initiating connection in this relationship because you feel pressure to do so? Are you operating in the space of I have to give 50. 50. And I recognize that I'm not giving enough. I'm not giving at least 50, so I have to do more. So challenge your own reason for connecting. Challenge your own reason for why you need to be in that person's life. Okay, y' all are giving me some good feedback here.

And I missed some of those comments. I apologize. I am not good at reading those. As I'm talking. Kind of throws me off sometimes. But, Nikki, I see that you're saying you're in our purpose by being there. Absolutely. So that is sometimes our only purpose in someone's life is to just show up, be the person that they know that they can call on. Right. And that's enough for you, and it's enough for them. And when you get to this space of you find the right person to give a hundred percent, be grateful that you found that connection, because that doesn't always happen.

I think that very rare that we can find someone that gives 100% and that we're also willing to give 100% to. All right, that's all I got for y' all today. Thank you for showing up for this coffee chat. And I know some of you guys. Nikki, I don't know where you're from, so if you can drop in the chat where you're located. I'm in the St. Louis region, but I'm in Illinois, and I see Ms. Shannon on there. It's good to see you. And I just want to thank everybody for coming in, and I will have something hot to talk about next week.

Okay? So I will see you all. You guys have a wonderful week. All right, bye.