Rules Of Engagement

Hello, Cadre. Good morning from Silver Spring, Maryland. Welcome to another edition of Rules of Engagement with Betsy Hodges. I should get some intro music maybe. I been having quite a week, feeling pretty good. I am on various new protocols with my medical professionals to. To treat some things that I didn't even know were problems. And I got the all clear on something that used to be a problem that hasn't been a problem for a while, but they have to check every once in a while to see if it's a problem again and know it's nothing life threatening.

So feeling pretty good. It is very, very hot here in Silver Spring, Maryland. Good morning, Speak Wonder. Good morning, Amar. It's very, very hot here in Maryland. I don't know how it is in Minnesota or other places where people are, but it's very humid and there's no breeze. So walking around just feels like I'm walking through a thin film of hot water, which is actually what I'm doing. So. So good morning. Thank you. This was a poshmark find from Marnie, a designer I love and can occasionally afford on Poshmark.

So thank you. Speak Wonder. The theme for July is freedom. Hot and humid in Northwest Pennsylvania. Yeah, I think a lot of us are hot and humid. The theme for July is freedom. And last week was freedom from expectation, which we talked about a little bit. This week the theme is freedom from comparison. And sometimes comparison is useful. Right? I do a lot of comparing of myself to myself. I keep a lot of data about where I've been and where because I have a lot of ideas about where I'd like to go.

And I have no idea if I'm getting there if I don't gather data. And so I am often very grateful to my past self and do a lot of comparing with my past self to see how I'm doing. And in a little bit, I'll talk about some of my rules of engagement for when that goes awry. It's the air that you wear. It says the local weather dude. Yeah, it is remarkable. I do my best not to complain about the heat living here because I figure although I've lived here seven years now, so. Because in Minnesota, my rule of thumb was you can complain about the cold or you can complain about the heat.

You cannot do both. And as mayor, I had a commitment to never, ever, ever complain about the winter publicly. But I suppose in Maryland it's the same thing. I never complain about the winter because I have lived through Minnesota winter and here it is. Fantastic. Good morning, Nikki. But maybe I'VE lived here long enough that I've earned the right to complain about the summer heat, even though I like heat way better than cold. So I'm glad to be here anyway. Conversation starter for today. Freedom from comparison I compare myself sometimes.

It can be healthy, right? I don't know that I need to be fully free from comparison if I don't know where I'm going, I don't know, you know, if I don't know where I want to land, how on earth do I know how to set a course? And sometimes I know where I want to land because I look at somebody and I say, I want what she has. I want to go where that person's going. And that's a big thing we say in recovery, right? If you're trying to find a sponsor, find someone who has what you want and ask them to sponsor you.

And it's a little bit similar, I think, with this comparison idea of find. Envy is a good guide post to something I want in my life or something I would choose for myself potentially in my life. I like choose rather than want because want implies lack. And I've been working a lot on agency lately. I can find someone out in the world and I can say, ah, I'm envious because I would choose what she has. Am I willing to do what she's doing or what I would have to do to get there, right? And is it possible for me to get there?

Like I envy Jennifer Hudson's voice. I think she has an amazing voice. I certainly envy Kelly Clarkson's voice. I think she has an amazing voice. I take voice lessons because I love to sing. I do not sing publicly. I'm not a terrible singer. I just. It's for me, it's for me. But I envy Kelly Clarkson. But I also know that with all the training in the world, I would not be able to have a voice that is mine, that is the equivalent with range and capacity that she has. But I don't. I'm not consumed with that envy because I'm taking steps on my own behalf.

Agency is so important. This is something I'm thinking about a lot lately because I am developing my own voice to its fullest capacity. I don't have to envy, you know, I don't have to be mad that Kelly Clarkson can sing like that. I do have a list that I give to my higher power often of in future lifetimes. Things that I would like to be and do. The top two are always amazing singer and really talented skateboarder that may surprise you I will someday, in some future lifetime, be a really talented skateboarder.

And because I just decided that I don't have to worry so much about the fact that I'm not a great skateboarder. Yes, I want to get where she is going and then we find our own way to get there based on what we can and want to do, right? There are people whose financial situations I envy. I am thinking a lot about what it means for me to earn money right now. I have a lot of issues around it, as many women do, but there's only a few people. I look at them and I say, but I also want to do what they did or live the life that they have, right?

So it has to be possible for me to earn more money and have a great life. I want to be a healthy, higher income earner than I am right now. And so that's just a different set of steps. And I'm picking and choosing very carefully who my comparison set is there. But I do have some rules of engagement around this. Now there are the evergreen rules of engagement that are obviously about comparison. One is my top one, which we talked about last week. Love what you love. Love what you love. Love what you love.

You do not have to be. It doesn't have to be the same thing or the same way that someone else loves it. I love the music of Bruce Frederick Joseph Springsteen. In case y' all haven't figured that out yet. I have not been to 100 million shows because I also loved public service. And the way that I did public service did not allow me to go to follow Bruce on the road a million places. Of course, since leaving office, have I done that? You bet I have. As my mother would say, you bet your bippy. I was about to say something a little bluer than that, but instead I'll say as my mother would, you bet your bippy I have.

Right? I've been to more Bruce shows since I left office, certainly than before I left office. I think I'd gone to 2 by 2018, and since then I've gone to 9 between Broadway and whatever. But love what you love, Evergreen. About comparison, I you know, there are Springsteen fans who've gone to 150 shows and they can do whatever and they can name this entire history. I don't know everything about Bruce's life. I'm learning more as I go just because I listen to a lot of E Street radio and hear I listen to his interviews and I like to hear what he wants to tell me about his life.

Other People know all those details. It's not how I do it, but I do love the music of Bruce Springsteen. So love what you love, the way that you love it. And rule of engagement number two, Start from where you are, not from where you think you should be. A lot of comparison is. Ugh. As John Acuff would say, a lot of comparison is comparing our beginnings to someone else's middles. Don't compare your beginning to someone else's middles. Start where you are. Start from where you are. Wish you're not from where you wish you were.

Right. Yes. Being a high income earner without apologizing, it's harder for women if you're of a certain background. You are supposed to be around money, but not earn money. Nikki, we can talk that sad emoji. You can be sad for the places we're confused. Nikki, it's okay. But there's a few other rules of engagement that I think are about freedom from comparison that I think land here. If in general, my rule of engagement number 27 is there's a thousand ways to get it right, you're not doing it wrong all the time.

There's a thousand ways to get it right. Your path is your path. If you're stuck, this, that and the other thing, then by all means, you know, do what you need to do to get a few kicks in the behind. But. Or whatever gentle method works for you. But there are a thousand ways to get it right. You know, if you're in an ocean and you're heading to the lighthouse, it depends on where you're coming from, what course you're going to set to get to shore. Right. Or to avoid the lighthouse. The thing with the lighthouse metaphors, no one's heading toward the lighthouse.

That's. They put them in places where there are cliffs and beaches that you could crash your ship on, but at least you know where the shore is that way. Let's just say the metaphor works. There's a thousand ways to get it right. So comparison in general, keep that in the back of your mind. Decide where you want to head. Is it where you want ahead? Love what you love, not what someone else loves or what you think you should love, but is where you want to go. Now, if you're comparing yourself to some unattainable ideal, then what you're doing if it doesn't meet that unattainable ideal is going to feel very uncomfortable.

And the rule of engagement I have for that, when you're comparing yourself to some ideal that is not real, is number 18. And we've talked about it before. Don't let the dress wear you. You wear the dress. Don't let the dress wear you. What does that mean? And I told this story before. In about 1992, I was a couple years out from having lost about 80 pounds from getting sober. I was maybe three, four years sober. I had changed my whole life. I'd quit smoking. I was pursuing healthy things. I'd been exercising, and I had wor.

Wallpaper my whole life. By that I mean things that would just for understandable reasons. And I still actually do this a lot, but I choose it as opposed to feeling like I have to wore things that were too big, that didn't suit my color, you know, whatever. I just wanted to fade into the background. I did not want to be noticed. And for some reason, I went to the store. It was a Buffalo Exchange in Albuquerque, New Mexico, in 1992. And I bought a pink jersey mini dress. And I was. I, you know, it was cheap enough, I guess maybe it was on sale.

I was dying of discomfort just even trying it on in the dressing room and just. I couldn't do it. And I had it at my house, and my friend Rebecca came over, a friend in recovery, and she came over and I walked out in this. I said. She said, show me. Show me the dress. And I was like, okay. And I walk out in the dress, and I was like, shrinking inside my skin. And she said to me, betsy, you. That dress is wearing you. You have to wear that dress right now. It is wearing you. Oh, yeah, it was great.

It was a great dress. And I was like, you are correct, madam. And I proceeded to go by myself to a reggae show that I was interested in going to. I was sober. I went sober, But I went to this reggae show, and the dress was a hit. I'll just say that the dress was a hit. And that's how I learned, don't let the dress wear you. Wear the dress. Whatever uncomfortable, you know, boundary, comfort zone limit. You are crossing. And you feel it crossing because all of a sudden that email to your network is wearing you.

You are not wearing it. You're apologizing in it. You're not charging enough in it. Whatever it is, whatever the uncomfortable, that's my discomfort today. I have to send this email. Whatever that discomfort is, it is wearing you. If you don't wear it, it will wear you. It's one or the other. So that's. If you're comparing to the ideal, if you are comparing yourself to what's cool. If you are comparing yourself to people who are more interesting or whatever, I have a guideline. This is one of the guidelines.

Guidelines. 19. Just because it's common doesn't mean it isn't cool. Just because it's common doesn't mean it isn't cool. Taylor Swift, very common right now. Doesn't mean she's not cool. Doesn't mean she isn't a badass who, you know, crosses her own comfort zones every day. Right. She's a worthwhile person to look up to. Her. I love her. I've been a fan of her since her first single came out. I remember the moment I heard it on the radio. Just because her music is common doesn't mean it's not cool.

Because if it's cool for you, it's cool enough. Because if it's cool for you, it's cool enough. So just because it's common doesn't mean it isn't cool. And then, as I said in the beginning, I often compare myself to myself, right? Am I hitting a PR at orangetheory Fitness? Orangetheory Fitness is a great example of this. For the most part, you are just competing against yourself. I am just competing against myself. But here's the thing. I have been going for 10 years. I've been going to Orange Theory for 10 years.

And the things I could do at 45 are not always the things I can do at 55. The PR I had at 55 in the 200 meter row will probably not be my PR on Thursday or Monday or whenever we're doing it next. I've sort of baseline set new ones for 55 to 65. Honestly, right. I compare myself to myself. But listen, sometimes I compare myself and I think, I look back and I think, oh God, you know, I wasn't. If I knew then what I know now, which I didn't. But sometimes I also compare. Forward this email that I'm sending.

I'm a rookie at this. I'm like, oh my gosh, if I keep practicing, I'll get so much better. But I'm so embarrassed that I'm just not very good at it right now. And a woman named Kathy Heller on her podcast said this and I put it immediately in my guidelines for life. And I say this all the time to people. Apple is not embarrassed that the iPhone 4. The iPhone 16 is way better than the iPhone 4. Apple is not embarrassed that the iPhone 14 is way better than the iPhone 4. When they put that iPhone 4 out there, they were like, yes, sir, yes, ma'.

Am. Yes. All of our non binary friends. This is an amazing phone and you all should buy it. And we did. And we did. And the fact that the phone is better in 2025, they're not embarrassed by that. They're probably proud of it. Look what we did. We've got all these great new features and we can steal all your information this way. You know, whatever it is, they're proud of it. They're proud of it. So I will leave you with that. We're a little couple minutes over. As we get better, we do not need to be embarrassed about our past selves and we do not get to be.

We do not have to be embarrassed that we figure something out and it's better. It's going to be better. And we do not have to be embarrassed that we are starting from where we are. The famous quote, comparison is the thief of joy. Comparison is the thief of joy. The freedom from that thieving part of comparison makes life better. The freedom for me that comes from comparison, well applied, also makes my life better. You get to choose agency. It's like the freedom from expectation. If you choose what expectations you move toward, that's freedom.

If you choose what comparisons, take what you like and leave the rest, that's freedom, too. But those negative comparisons where it's like, I'll never be. I'll never be Kelly Clarkson. So I'm not gonna sing. Well, too bad. I'm gonna sing anyway. So there you go. Thanks, Nikki. I appreciate the feedback. I'll see you all in the app. I look forward to talking next week. We'll talk more about freedom. Start from where you are, not from where you wish you were or you think you should be. Yes, Speak wonder.

I look forward to all of our conversations over the course of this week and see you next week. Have a great one.