All our lives we’re told we need to exceed expectations. We need to be the best. Have the most. Make the most money. Have the hottest wife. The corner office. The fame. And if you don’t have it you’re not a success. You’re not a real man. Screw that!
Briefly greets viewers and announces the month’s theme of 'savor' and this week’s focus on savoring the ordinary. Sets the stage for connecting that theme to conscious masculinity.
Explores how traditional masculine narratives push men to feel they must be extraordinary, questioning how that pressure relates to savoring ordinary life. Introduces the talk’s title, 'the gift of the ordinary man.'
The speaker gives personal examples (books, financial success) and references public figures to illustrate the insecurity and relentless drive many men feel to prove themselves. Highlights the emptiness that can follow achieving external markers of success.
Defines the gift of being ordinary through concrete roles like father, partner, and musician—doing what one loves without needing fame or extraordinary achievement. Emphasizes finding meaning in ordinary commitments and creative pursuits.
Encourages letting go of the chase for external validation, noting that accomplishments rarely fill inner holes. Closes by urging viewers to savor being enough and to make peace with personal ghosts.
All right. Hello, Cadre Sphere. Happy August. Wow, man, time is going. Happy August. And if you're tracking, the theme of the month is savor, which is a very interesting word to have as the theme, I thought. And even more so, the focus for this week is savoring the ordinary. And so that got me thinking like, all right, well, if I'm going to be talking about my usual topic, right, which is conscious masculinity, what does that have to do with savoring the ordinary? But it actually didn't take long for me to realize the title for this particular live stream, right, the gift of the ordinary man.
Because every, well, so many men, right, so much of masculinity is built around needing to be special. If it's, there's one end, right, where we may think we're special, we may think we're better, and the more privilege we have in this society, the more we get the message that we actually think we are special. So we think we're greater than we are. So there's that. But then there's this incredible pressure that so many men put on themselves and that they get from their partners and they get from others and they get from society.
And that is like, if you are ordinary, then you're not special. Like if you aren't extraordinary, if you're not amazing at your job, if you're not famous. and I'll just give some specific examples from my own case. I've written several books. Not one has been a New York Times bestseller. Are they good books? They're great books. Does that make me less than of an author because I'm not on the New York Times bestseller? I thought that for a long time. I sure did. It's, you know, I'm not a millionaire.
I'm not this, I'm not that. So I can focus on everything I'm not that reinforces how I have not made it, how I'm not successful, how I'm not this, how I'm not that. I could reinforce that narrative, which is a deep, deep narrative of masculinity. How many guys, how many guys that have actually, I mean, I was just watching the documentary on Billy Joel. Like this guy is incredible. He breaks a record, sells out Madison Square Garden's 100 nights or 100, you know, events in a row. And, you know, I just don't get the impression that he really let it in.
I don't mean that he needs to think like I'm amazing for doing that, but like that he really, really let in like what a great musician and great entertainer that he is. It seems part of the documentary, one of the messages was like that he's constantly trying to prove himself, constantly trying to find himself. And there are people who are like, you know, like athletes, right? They'll say, yeah, that hunger is what forced me and pushed me. You know, John McEnroe, if you read his biography, You know, in his biography, he talked about like just this insane insecurity that he had, this insane need to be great.
And then he finally did it. He finally won Wimbledon. And then he was just like, okay, I got to the top of the mountain, now what? And had this massive, massive sense of like, okay, now, like what? Because he had this message that said, oh, I have to be extraordinary. And I'm nothing if I'm not extraordinary. And that's why I made the title of this talk, The Gift of the Ordinary Man. The gift of the man who's like, you know what? I'm great because I'm an amazing father. I'm great because I know how to stay in a relationship and not cheat and lie.
and let my fears and insecurities take over and my ego, right? I'm great because I do things that I love. I'm in a band. I love being in a band. We've got music that's out on the whatever. And I'll never play Madison Square Garden. I mean, I'm pretty clear. Like, I don't think that's gonna happen. I'm pretty sure that's not in my future. I don't care because I love playing music. I am just an ordinary musician. There is nothing extraordinary about my musical ability. And I'm not saying that in a bad way.
I'm just simply saying, but we have a lot of fun as a band. And we've played some great places. I mean, we've played the Viper Room, we've played Molly Malone's, we're trying to get into the Troubadour, whatever. That's not the point, right? It's just like this idea of like, we're not trying to top the charts. We're not trying to have a, you know, worldwide tour or all that. We're playing music because we love music. I write books because I feel like I have something to say that's worth saying. And I put it out there.
And you know, that's I think part of being ordinary. And some people would say, Oh, well, but that's also extraordinary that you've done this and this and this. And I'm like, But it doesn't need to be. I don't need it to be. If you see it that way, hey, that's great. But I've kind of really come to peace with being ordinary and it was not an easy place to... It was not easy to get to that place, right? Because so much in my head has said, Oh, but you didn't do this, but you haven't made this much money, or you haven't done this or that.
And I have yet to meet anybody. And I've known quite a few famous people and I've listened to them in recovery meetings and personally talking to them. It's smoke and mirrors, it's empty. It's not fulfilling. It can be a wonderful accomplishment, but if it defines you, if you think extraordinary is gonna somehow fill the hole, I have yet to see anybody who has had that experience. I have yet to meet anybody who has ever said everything I tried to bring from the outside actually fulfilled me. and made me feel whole.
Never heard it. So that's the gift of the ordinary man, the gift of the ordinary father, the gift of the ordinary partner, the gift of just simply being able to savor, there's our word of the month, to truly savor being enough. Just being enough. and not constantly having to reach for one brass ring after the other because daddy didn't love me or mommy almost died or whatever. You know, make peace with the ghosts inside and ordinary will be just fine. So those are my thoughts on this wonderful Saturday in August.
Take care.
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