Live w/ Dr.Charryse 🧠: “When Life Doesn’t go According To Plan”

Kaija Sphere, good morning. I hope you are as well as you possibly can and I'm so glad that you chose to come into this space. Come in, make yourself comfortable, open up your heart, open up your mind, and let me know a few things. Let me know where you are in the world so that we can just be reminded that we are all in this together. And I love as you watch various lives, seeing where people live, where they are, and just the beauty right around us, being in so many different places. Hello. Speak Wonder.

Hello, Andrea. Thank you for the hearts. It always makes me feel loved. And then let me know how your week is. Good morning, Philly. One to ten. One. Been a rough week already and ten meaning you are having the best possible week you could have. I would rate my week so far hello T. Mac. 5, which is good. I feel like I've had to work my way to that recently. But this week is starting off well and the hope is that it's good. Back in South Carolina, Audrey, I hope your conference went well and I can't wait to see how what you learn there shows up in what you do Today.

I want us to talk about walking away with strength and feeling empowered when life doesn't go according to what you have planned. Hello, Wisconsin. And that's a big reality. There will be seasons. Hello, Statesboro. Where things are don't go the way that we have them in our mind. And we all have a different natural temperament around how we manage that. But in particular, I want to highlight the part of you that may feel like if a door doesn't open or if something doesn't go the way you have planned and you feel like you did everything that you could, really challenging any part of you that ever considers you failed.

So tell me this less level set. Typically, if something doesn't go the way you hoped, how do you respond? You tell me what's your kind of typical way of managing that moment in that situation. So this is just a moment to kind of bring yourself into it and be honest. Now, many of you may be in a situation right now where everything is going pretty good and that's great. These moments are not about necessarily you're going to come and everything that we talk about is going to be what you're going through, but they're preparing you for the next moment.

Or maybe you're coming out of a moment when things don't go according to plan and you feel like you've done everything that you could. How do you typically respond? How do you personalize it. Hello, Mel Myers. Hello. What is that? T. Gilbert, 11:11. So typically the first question, yeah, what did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? I'll wait for a few other responses to come in because it is natural for us to think that there is something that we did wrong or we can feel rejected. We can feel.

Yeah, speak. Wander initially disappointed and then later curious about what happened. It's always a little bit more difficult when we have no idea why it didn't go the way we'd like, especially when someone else is involved and we thought, oh, man, this feels good. I think this is going to happen. And then out of nowhere it just doesn't. But here's something that I want you to consider. Yes, you can feel that down. Some doors don't close because you fail. They close because your future needed a detour.

So I also want you to think about this. How many moments have you thought in the moment, yes, Andrea. Feeling of rejection that something didn't go the way you want. And then later you realized, oh, if that would have gone the way I wanted it to go, this wouldn't have happened. This next thing that I am now doing, this next door wouldn't open the way that I want. So if you've ever felt like you've done everything right and still things fell apart, this moment is for you or one for you to plug and come back to and realize this isn't about defeat.

This is about us redefining our view of success and how to let go and honor that. Timing is a form of self respect. Oh, I love that. Audrey, you just realized, wow, so many times you wouldn't be at the church you are or be in situations that you have. I had a moment like this in my personal career where I had an interview for a team, a company, and I thought I did great. I really did. I felt really good. I felt really confident. I could see myself there. And then they came back and it wasn't a door that opened.

And it wasn't even so much that the door didn't open. It was also the fact that they gave me some feedback that I had never heard before. So I was like, what? I was. So I was in shock. However, years later, as I now sit before you and I think about the way my life has been shaped and the other doors that open, I realize if I would have walked through that door at that time, that there are multiple other things later that I wouldn't have done. I wouldn't have created people. I would not have Connected with potentially, because my time, my talents, my energy would have been very limited there.

Right. So here's what happens when we. We are kind of in those moments we're taught to admire perseverance, to never give up, to push through. But I want you to consider this. Sometimes pushing through because we're trying to make something happen the way we want it to happen means that pushing is punishing. Deeper question for you. You can or can't answer it. You can answer it or not. In the chat. Has there ever been a season where you were relentless? You wanted something and you went after it, but to your expense, but at your expense.

Right. When you think about that, and you don't have to give us the moment it happened, but if you have, just say, I have. So pushing became punishing, becoming. Because you stayed in a situation too long, you stayed connected to a person or situation too long, you tried to push your door open that really wasn't for you, or you tried to push your body in a way that your body was like, we can't do this right now. And as a result of that, it came at your expense. So sometimes there are moments I have where staying isn't strength, it's self sacrifice, staying in a mentality, staying in a mindset, staying in a program, staying in a relationship.

Right. So, yes, speak wonder seasons where pushing can become punishing. And I think that's a really great question to just keep in mind for yourself as you're moving forward. Is noticing myself pushing. Is there any risk that the way I'm pushing in this situation or pushing this person or pushing this idea could end up punishing me or someone else? Because it's really not the right timing. Here's what happens in our brain when we're going through this dynamic. So from a neuroscience perspective, always got to get a little bit in there.

Our brains are like prediction machines. So the prefrontal cortex, it helps us create goals. But when life disrupts those plans, the amygdala, the fear center, our threat detector, will interpret disruption as danger or even failure. I'm going to lean in and say this disruption is not always danger, and it's not always a sign that you failed. There are times that your life has been disrupted for your benefit. This is kind of off, but you'll get it. I'm the kind of person that if I'm driving somewhere and happen to be running late, which is very rare, or turn back around and then get on the road at a different time, I'm a huge believer in the fact that there was design in the delay, meaning there's something about that morning or that timing that needed to be altered.

So I'll sometimes think to myself, you know, what if I would have left when I wanted to, or if I would have gone the route that I typically would have, something could have happened. I could have been in an accident. I often feel like that delay that isn't typically there, that disruption, although I may not have enjoyed it, although it may have aggravated me, may have also saved me or kept me from harm. And I just want to share that because that can be a different perspective for many of you when you are going through things that you feel like this is not happening the way that I want.

And so when there's a mismatch between expectation and reality, it will trigger cortisol or stress hormone, and it will flood you with shame, with guilt, with over analysis, and with fatigue. And so we kind of internalize that misalignment as a personal flaw when it's simply a redirection. I want to give you a chance to think. You don't have to put this in the chat, but you can give hearts if this is something that you kind of resonate with. Is there any area of your life right now where you can see or sense you're being redirected?

Something is not going the way you thought it would go right now, and you can step back and you can think about that situation and go, hmm, I wonder if I'm being redirected. Yeah. Thank you. Speak, wonder. Best takeaway so far. Sometimes things don't go according to our plan because, yes, your future needs a detour. And although we would like to think that we have control over every aspect of our future, we don't. And sometimes life itself knows where we need to go better than we do. But again, I really just want you to think about the mentality of not getting so caught up in the way you think things are supposed to be, and then believing that when they don't go the way that you thought that it means that you failed.

That means that you need to keep pushing. Sometimes you just need to step back and be still. Sometimes you need to honor this isn't the right time, or you need to honor something about this situation no longer works. And then just walk forward into whatever is next for your life and trust that whatever is next will reveal itself in time. So let's talk about shifting perspective to wrap up our time here. And then I'll finish the other half of this next week. Not what, getting what you want may mean that something better is aligned with who you're becoming.

So just because it was your plan doesn't mean it was your path, right? Just because it was your plan doesn't mean it was your path. Even if your heart was set on that plan, it may not be your path. So here's a neuroscience backed truth. When we release a plan that's no longer serving us, we reduce the activation in the default mode network, the dmn. Some of you have heard me talking about that before. That's the part of the brain that overthinks and ruminates. So letting go doesn't make you weak.

Letting go creates space for clarity. As you move forward through this week, kind of your application piece is I want you to really think about where do you need to release yourself, where to? Is it time to let go of the plan that you have in mind and not view it as weakness, not view it as a personal flaw, not view it as failure, but honor the fact that I think my path needs to pivot, I think something different is ahead and I release my grip trying to control it and instead be still, be centered, be grounded, move forward and then trust that clarity will come.

Okay, I hope you found one thing today that you can really use to kind of move through the rest of your week. I want to remind you that wherever your week is right now, you decide where it goes. You put in the effort, you put in the intention. You slow down your pace, you do whatever you need to experience whatever you need this week. And then we'll come back next Wednesday and talk about the impact of pace on your mental health. And I'll give you a few tips that you can use to continue to walk in strength when things don't go according to plan.

All right, Share this with someone who may need it. Come back as much as you need to, and I look forward to seeing you next week. Have a good one.