Coffee Chats W/ Dr. D-Embracing Connections

Hey, Cadre, it's me, Dr. D. I'm here on time today. Can you believe it? So I know people like to trickle in a little slow and that's okay. But for those of you watching the replay, I do like to start on time and just jump right into things because why are we wasting time, right? So for those of you who will be joining in later, I'll let you catch up, I'll kind of recap for you. But so let's get into our discussion for the day. So we are in the month of savoring, and so I want to look at how we can savor connections and how are we embracing connections?

And yes, I do have my coffee, if those of you were thinking about it. It's almost gone though. You see it? Can you check that out? I need a refill. So let's talk about savoring connections. Embracing connections. And I just want to shout out one of our other content creators here, Ms. Rachel Logan. So I was at an event with her this past Saturday. Yes. And so I was at her church and we did the seven Pillars of Wellness. And so I talked about healthy connections and having just healthy relationships and why that's important.

And I gave a shout out to Cadre because this community here is so important, it's so needed. And so I again, as usual, I want to thank everyone that comes to my coffee chats and those of you who are part of Cadre that listen to other content creators here and for your feedback and for your comments. Like, we love it. We love to see you guys commenting on our videos. It helps us know that, yes, you are engaged because we can't see you. So it's hard to have like a true connection because right now on this screen I'm looking at myself, but I see your comments coming in.

So want to thank you for that. And if there's any moment that you hear something that really sticks with you, is there something that I'm saying? It's like, I like that or Hm, I don't know about that. Do me a favor and drop a coffee mug, that coffee mug emoji in the chat so I know that you got it or that you're at least picking up on something. Okay, that helps me. So I want to thank you for those who already are doing that. But let's talk about embracing connections. So I am, I'll, I'll give you a little backstory.

I am an only child raised by a single mom. And so I spent a lot of time alone, a lot of time in my room. But I always knew I need a connection. And my mom is one of those very social people, so she was always going to other people's homes. Like, we spent Christmases at my best friend's house and her huge family. So there was always people around me. But I prefer to be by myself. And I don't know if there's anybody else like that, but I felt more comfortable in my own space by myself. And I didn't feel lonely when I was alone.

I felt lonely with other people, if that makes any sense. So I could be surrounded by tons of people, but I felt lonely because I didn't feel like I had connection to them. And a lot of people know me, but they know surface level of me. They don't really know me, and I don't really know them. And so I think about what gets in the way of that. And there's connection. And sometimes it's because I didn't want to connect with other people. I didn't want them to connect with me because I didn't feel like it was important.

I knew that it was connection. That felt kind of brief. And this is me as a child thinking these things. Okay? And I'll be honest, there are times as an adult that I still feel the same way. And I think some of that is because of how we connect with people. This new social media format of connection is a false sense of connection sometimes snaps. I like that. And there's this false sense of connection we have. And I gave this example on Saturday, how we can have a connection, let's say, through Facebook, okay?

And you see people online and you see their stories, you see their updates in life, you see pictures, you might see video, and you develop a connection to them. And so tell me if this has happened to you where you may have connected with them online, but you don't really know them, and you just click, you know, accepting the friend request because they know someone else that you know. So. So it feels a little safe. But then you see them out in public, and you don't really know them, but you feel like you know them.

Right? And that is so weird to me that we have these fake connections with people. We don't really know them at the heart. We just know what they share with us. And that's the same thing with. With false connections in real life. People know parts of us they don't know, all of us they don't know. I would say some people do know the. The dirty parts of us, they know the parts that have hurt Us, they know our trauma, but maybe they don't see the positive things in us. Or maybe it's opposite, where people see just the surface level of happiness and they see us being calm and quiet, but they don't know what's going on inside of us because we don't talk about it.

So I want you to consider what connections you have in your life that are meaningful, that are genuine, that give you space to really show up in ways that you need to, where you feel whole. And I will say I. I don't know if there's science behind this, but from experience, it just seems like that's not going to happen. In many relationships, there might be a handful and literally a handful of people that we come across throughout our lifetime where we feel that whole genuine connection. And I always question, you know, me being only child, I'm always questioning and analyzing things.

Why is that? Why can't we connect with people in a whole sense being our true selves and them being their true selves to accept us? Why can't we do that with more people? And just thinking about it now, my guess is that some people just are not built to hold us. They're not built to carry all of who we are. And that's okay. But we also get messages sometimes that we need to show up as our true selves. But then when we're met with rejection or we're met with judgment, that we shy away from that because it hurts to do that.

So what spaces? And when I say spaces, I mean true environments. Like if it's at work, if it's in a space where you're showing up in a role that you feel comfortable in. So whether that role is in a romantic relationship, whether you're the lover or the parent or family member, or the role is, yes, you are the employee, or yes, you are the boss, where are you feeling like you can show up as your true self, where you can embrace connection with yourself and embrace connection with others? So when I think about that for myself, where do I embrace myself fully?

I would say in this space right here. And I never, never imagined I would do this right. I remember when I first started with Cadre, I was hesitant to be open and honest. But at the same time, I tell everybody. I'm never sugarcoated. You gonna get what you gonna get. You're gonna know my thoughts. You're gonna know what I'm feeling, because I don't feel the need to hide it. But at the same time, I do know that not everybody can handle What I have to share, not everybody can hear me and really hear me, if that makes sense.

So knowing that I sometimes hesitate to be completely transparent and just giving you keywords with vulnerability, you know, we are encouraged to be vulnerable, but that means to be open to attack. And, and so there are spaces where we are vulnerable because we don't know how people are going to accept us. And they might attack us. They might take what we've said and twist it or use it against us at some point in the future. And I think that is something that gets in the way of embracing connection, is being vulnerable.

So challenge yourself to think about when are you vulnerable? When do you feel that it's necessary to be vulnerable? Because it doesn't always feel safe, it shouldn't feel safe. Being vulnerable means you're open to attack. It's not a safe place to be. But there are times when it is necessity. And I think when we're embracing connection, it's a risk, it is scary. You don't know if you're going to be welcomed, you don't know if you're going to be accepted. But at the same time, when you're embracing connection and you allow someone else to be in that space.

So if you flip the coin, we don't always know if we're going to accept the other person either. So I remember some, I would say as an adult, there were people that I knew in high school, in my younger years, in college even, that I had these judgments of them based off of how I saw them interact with others, and I interpreted who they were with me. So whatever that connection was, I interpreted that through what I saw them do with others. And so I developed ideas about how they liked me or didn't like me or how they accepted me or not.

And that also influenced how I accepted them. And there were times, because I didn't see things that I liked, that I rejected connection. But I re encountered those same people later in life as an adult. And I mean, like 10 years later or so where I'm seeing them. And I remember what that felt like to be around them. But then I was in a new space. I was a new person. I had evolved, they had evolved, but I still had an image of them from what I knew before. And maybe it was because I evolved and I changed, that I was more open to connection.

I was open to embracing something new, that I had better conversations with them, I had deeper connections with them, and we actually became friends. And it wasn't something that I planned, but it happened. And I'm now forever grateful that I embraced that connection, because those people that I'm thinking of, that they have really changed my life. And if I was so hesitant to change my mindset about the ability to connect, I would have remained disconnected from them. When not only are they a benefit to me, and I'm not saying benefit like, oh, they're, you know, giving me something, but a benefit in social connection, because that is necessary, but I'm also able to do that for them.

And sharing stories with each other, we actually had. And there's one person I'm thinking in particular, we actually had similar experiences where that person thought of me the same way I was thinking of them. And we both neglected to embrace the connection. And so if we look back 10 years before, we could have been friends longer, but we were so hesitant to connect. So I hope this is helping. Y' all speak wonder. You're saying it's hard to enter into relationship with trust. We're guarded. Yeah.

I will say, why are we guarded? And are we taught to be that way? That's something I always wonder. Are we taught by others to guard ourselves? Or is that something that we end up doing because we've been hurt? And for those of you who are believers and read the Bible, you know, there is scripture that talks about guarding your heart, for out of it comes the wellsprings of life. Yes, we do need to guard our hearts, but we also have to be wise. We also have to be, I guess, aware. We have to ask questions.

We can't guard our hearts and put up a wall where we don't allow anyone to get close to us. That's not healthy either. There's always these extremes that we have to be careful with. We have to guard our hearts and. And a sense of gaining information. Right. We have to collect information about people, not in a toxic way, but collecting it in a sense where we're paying attention to their behavior, we're paying attention to their values. We're paying attention to how they treat other people when they don't think anybody's watching.

Right. Their integrity. If. And then we can decide, is this a person that we want to be connected to? So if you have been struggling to embrace connection other than this issue with trust, what. What else is there? What else is. Is blocking you, Embracing connection. I think sometimes I'm just throwing. This is really off the cuff, y'. All. Sometimes we don't embrace connection because we don't have time. Or we tell ourselves that we don't have the time because we're so busy, we have so many other things going on that we don't want to start a connection because we don't feel like it's something we can keep up.

Just being honest, right. There are people that I've met, I would say in the past year that that initial contact with them was so powerful and you could feel like you ever meet people and you can feel like, oh, they need to be in my life, like I really like them. But you don't do anything to follow up and continue the connection and you just end up losing it. Like it was just a moment when it could have been something that was long lasting. And I think sometimes we allow ourselves to block connection or block embracing connection because we say that we don't have time, we just, we don't do it.

And maybe we need to challenge ourselves to open up space in our schedule to have the time just like we're doing right here with Cadre coming to this coffee chat. This is the time that we have designated for all of us that are in here. This is not just for me. It's not just for you. It's for those who are watching the replay. It's for those of you who are have signed in and you're not commenting. I see you, I see you jumping in. Right. This is our space to connect. And what better way to do it than having real conversation and being transparent?

I'll say. Sometimes we dare to be vulnerable. So speak wonder you saying self sabotage gets in the way keeping you from making connections. Absolutely. The fear of us being who we really need to be, we will sabotage relationships so quick. Ms. Britney. Hey there. You're saying time the capacity, expectations that don't align. Yes. We can sometimes have different expectations and that goes back to our values. Maybe we have a different expectation of what friendship means or what relationship should look like.

And so sometimes your feelings can hurt because the person's not showing up for you the way that you expect them to or vice versa. But that's why we need to have conversation. We have to say what we expect. We have to set boundaries. We have to communicate. Right. And sometimes that feels awkward to do that very early on when you meet someone. But why not? Why not do it? We need to do that more often. So thank you all for joining me today. I'm going to keep moving. I have a pretty light day. I don't know about you guys, but I do want to thank you again for taking time out of your day to connect with me and embracing me and me embracing you.

And your thoughts. And thank you for sharing those because it really does mean a lot to me when you guys share your thoughts on here. I can't see you again, so I don't know what you're thinking, I don't know what you're feeling. So I really appreciate it when you guys drop those comments in there. But I hope you guys have a wonderful day and we have one more week. Let me check the calendar. Yes, one more week where we're going to be talking about savoring the month. Forgot what the topic was about, but come back.

I will probably post something in our Cadre sphere just to remind you what we'll be talking about next week, but I hope to see you guys there. Have a good day. Bye.