Rachel’s Room🛋️

Happy Thursday. Cadre Crew. Hello. Hello, Hello. Let me give folks a few moments to trickle in. I also know that it is a crazy time of year. So I know people's schedules are wackadoodle right now, mine included, super wackadoodle. So yeah, December is an interesting month. I feel like it's like a time when everyone is trying to wrap things up work wise for the year, get ready for the holidays, doing some personal reflection. It's also dark and cold and I know it can, like this month can bring up a lot for people Today.

I want to talk a little bit about. I think I brought this up a little bit last week, but the, the. Talk, wow, I'm tired. I want to talk about ambiguity and handling ambiguity and also coping with, coping with feeling. Make. These edits just started like shutting down like completely. Every time I would open the project, my laptop would shut down. And it's a brand new laptop. So I was like, I don't know if this is a computer problem. If like this is because, you know, I'm working with such big files.

I don't know if this is like, maybe I got a bad new computer, I don't know. But I was like days behind on this deadline because I couldn't, I literally couldn't do anything. Like I would open the program and my laptop would shut down. I spent hours trying to troubleshoot. I spent six hours at the Apple Store to find out it wasn't a computer problem. I was on the phone with Adobe for three hours to find out it wasn't an Adobe problem. And the answers I kept getting were it's probably some component of your project, but it's impossible to pinpoint what that is.

It's impossible to know if it's an effect you're using, if it's a file that's in the project. You can't really figure that out without just like going in little by little and like trying to delete things, which I could barely do because every time I would open the project my computer was shut down. So I, I had like, I had I think three full blown meltdowns. Like not panic attacks but like I was bawling and I just felt so stressed and so like so anxious not knowing what to do and not knowing how to, how to fix the problem.

And, and I really wanted to just give up. I wanted to throw in the towel. I wanted to just tell my, my boss, like, I just can't do this, like you'll have to fire me. I don't know, like I Just thought like I felt so, I felt so helpless and powerless and it hard for me to like zoom out and see the bigger picture and know that like, even if, God forbid, like I did lose my job or like either the project was delayed by weeks or I had to completely start from scratch, like it was like it would not be the end of the world.

It was really hard for me to get to that place because I felt so unbelievably overwhelmed by not being able to do anything and by that feeling of powerlessness. And it really, it consumed me. And so it was very evident to me in those moments that like, that is an experience that I still really, really struggle with. It's very, very hard for me to feel like I, I just can't. There's nothing that I can do. And so now that I have like finally sort of like sorted it out and out and I'm not in that like super regulated space, like, or unregulated space of feeling really, really overwhelmed and stressed, I can kind of now think about what, like what can I do in the future to reduce that, like panic and reduce that, that re.

Because it was not tolerable. Like I couldn't do anything. Like it was really, really debilitating. And one thing I'm realizing is I kind of talked about this last week, but I'm a perfectionist. I like to do a good job with when I, you know, when it comes to like producing a product or doing, doing my work. And I tend to over which puts me in a position to then feel stressed or like I don't have time or like there's too much expected of me and I know that I can probably set myself up for more success if I don't over promise because then I can over deliver.

So instead of saying like, yes, I can do this in this amount of time or yes, I can do these kinds of, these certain things under promising what I think I can do so that the result is I over deliver rather than feel like I'm under delivering. So I, that's one thing that's in my, in my control in the future that I can do to set myself up for success. The other thing I'm realizing is like I really need to learn how to like let go when I can't do anything. And instead of like fixating and trying more and more and more to fix something that I can't, I need to learn to step away and just say like, I, you know, I did the best I could or I, I did what I, you know, what I could and what I can and that's enough.

And so really learning to practice that in the moment and, and trying very hard to act that way instead of saying it and then still like, trying to fix things, because that's really hard for me to do. I will tell myself, like, it's okay, it's fine, I'm doing my best, but then I'll like go dive back in and try and fix things or try and make things better. And I know that, you know, in the long run, like, for my well being, I need to practice letting go, which is really, really hard. I have a very time doing that and I know that historically I've had a hard time doing that.

I just, I don't think I realized how evident it was until this experience. So definitely learning, definitely learning a lot. And also trying to remind myself that like, this is a normal part of working. Like, things are going to go wrong. Computers break down, programs break down. Like, technical issues are a real thing. And it's not a reflection of, of me and my, my work capabilities and, you know, doing a better job of, of being able to tell myself that down the line. Also, like, the truth is I learned a lot, like, by having to troubleshoot all these things, like, I learned a f*** ton about Premiere and about, you know, how to make my operations run smoother and, you know, so like, moving forward, like, I have more skills and tools and knowledge now to do, do things differently next time.

And I am going to try and hold myself accountable and actually do that rather than just like, like trying to do things the exact same way. So I don't know if that's relatable to anybody, but it's definitely something that's been coming up for me a lot and something I'm going through. So as long as reading this comment, as long as you don't resort to other things to take back that control. Yeah. And I, you know, because I'm not drinking, I haven't done that. Which is not really a way for me to take back control.

It's more of like a forced way for me to like, to, for me to let go and reduce the stress. I do know that like, my eating disorder symptoms definitely have ramped up because that's been something that typically responds when I don't feel like I have control over things because that feels like something I have control over. So I'm working with my therapist through that right now because I've, I've definitely noticed that and want to acknowledge it and try and work through that. Because it's definitely evident that that is something that, like, swoops in when I don't feel like I have control.

So. Yes. So, yeah, I'll. I'll. I'll keep you posted on how it goes and all those things. But, yeah, if you struggle with that, too, it is no fun. It's really, really. Like, I was on the phone with so many times, just like, mom, I don't know what to do. I, like, I, like, I am so. Like, I just kept repeating, like, I am so stressed out. I have never been this stressed out. I feel like I just have absolutely no clue what to do, but I can't do nothing. Like, it's not like these deadlines are going away.

It's not like I can't not do this job. I can't afford to lose this work. Like, it was just. I just felt really, really, really powerless, which is. Is very, very difficult feeling to experience. And, yeah, so definitely been a big theme for me in the last couple weeks and something I'm noticing I'm working through. But I was thinking more the Ed route. Yes. Yeah. So that. Yes, exactly. Well, I hope that December is treating y' all well. I have talked to many of my friends recently who have said this has already been, like, an incredibly difficult, stressful month.

So I know that it's probably hard for a lot of people, and I just want you to know that I'm really, really glad you're here and we're going to get through it together. And 2026 is around the corner. The hill. The h***? How'd that happen? I don't know, but we're gonna get there. It's gonna have. I mean, it's gonna come no matter what. So here we go. You know, and if you need anything, let me know. If there's anything that I can do to support you or anything you, as always, please feel free to let me know in the comments.

And I'll see you next week, same time, same place. Love you all very much. And make sure you drink water. I have not drank enough water today.