I Don't Need a Man! But I Do Need To Be Needed...

Hey, Cadre family doctor Carey here. Today I want to talk about codependency and relationships, and I want to start off by defining what that is because if you would have asked me a year ago, I would have never admitted that I've been in codependent relationships. I don't consider myself a codependent person because I thought the definition of codependency was actual dependency. And it's not. It's actually very different. My dad raised three very strong willed females that don't need a man. Trust me, we are capable of fixing anything.

We are successful in our careers and we definitely don't need a man. So I said those things over myself. I don't need a man. I don't need a relationship. So I've never considered myself to be dependent on someone and I'm still not, which is great because that means I'm an individual and it means I basically, I'm not going to rely on somebody else for my own happiness. However, codependency is different than dependency. And when I looked up the definition of codependency not that long ago, I was shocked because I am a codependent person in relationships.

So I just want to read the definition for you here. It looks like this. It looks like walking on eggshells around your significant other. It looks like apologizing even if you've done nothing wrong. It can also look like trying to change the other person, trying to make them into someone. They're not saying, oh, I don't like that characteristic about them, I'm going to change that about them. It can also look like needing to be needed. And when I read that, I thought, oh my gosh, I have been in habitual codependent relationships.

And that was crazy to me because I never would have considered myself that kind of person. But I think back to when I started dating, which if you want to call fifth grade dating, but I literally am a serial relationship person. I go from relationship to relationship. Some of those relationships looked like more casual sexual encounters, but I still would consider them a form of a relationship with a significant other. But when I wasn't in a relationship, I found myself longing to be in one. And not only for the need to want to be with someone and find a future husband, but because I needed to feel needed.

I found my value by being in a relationship. I found my worth by being in a relationship. And even after my unhealthy marriage where I felt so worthless every single day and I had such low self esteem, I immediately jumped into another relationship. After my divorce and then another one after that. And I didn't know what it was like to be alone. I didn't know what it was like to just be on my own and be comfortable with who I am because I found my value and my worth in being a girlfriend to someone because I feel needed when I'm in a relationship.

And I also want to just touch on the other aspects of codependency. It can look like this. It can look like being codependent on friendships. You can be codependent on pets. I actually struggled with this. I was extremely codependent with my dog when I was married and then also with my most recent pet that I have now with my dog. I love to feel needed. My current dog has been through a lot of trauma. She's a rescue. And I love that I get to be her emotional support because it makes me feel valued and worthy of being here, of being on this earth, that she needs me.

And I have said that so many times, and I found just such satisfaction in helping people in life that I needed to be needed. I mean, one of the reasons I switched careers and went into nursing, I love to help people. But it erred on a side of unhealthiness, of being codependent on my job because I need to feel needed when I go to work. If I don't go to work and I don't feel like I made a difference or I did anything, then I almost have this identity crisis of like, why am I here? Why am I alive?

God kept me alive after I was raped and stabbed so that I could help people and I need to be needed on this earth and I could talk about this topic for a long time and go in several different directions. And I will definitely record more videos on this topic and talk about it more. But I just want to shed some light on what codependency is. And then also just encourage you that if you are finding yourself in codependent relationships, it is possible to break out of these. It is possible to find that healing.

And the first thing it starts with is really learning to love yourself. That's really where it all begins. Learning to find your worth and just being who you are and not your worth in other people. Learning to be comfortable with who you are at the core and love your identity and love who you are instead of having to find that in someone else or in something else. And a lot of times it looks like setting really healthy boundaries too. Setting boundaries with another person, setting healthy boundaries with yourself.

You might be that type of friend that will literally anything, any time of the day for anyone. And that can be codependent. It can look like being a really good friend, but where are your boundaries? Why are you putting someone else's needs above your own every single time? So I just want to encourage you that there's a lot more to this topic that I'm going to delve into. But I wanted to just shed some light on what the term codependency meant and let you know that it is possible to be comfortable being alone, not finding your value in other people, whether it's friendships or a significant other or your parents or your family.

And it starts with being single. Oftentimes that's where it started with me. Was really devoting my life to just. I want to actually learn how to love me and just be comfortable with me. And I want to date me because I want to get to know who I am and I really want to find my true self, learn to love my true self. So I hope this was a little bit inspirational for you and you got a little bit of nuggets out of this, but I definitely want to delve more into this topic in the future. Just know that you can learn to love yourself too, because you are worth it, because you are worthy and you don't need someone to make you a whole person.

Thanks for tuning in. God bless, guys.