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Dr. D greets viewers, mentions a recent TEDx appearance, and sets up the episode's focus on domestic violence awareness month and the decision to explore the costs of speaking up. This orients listeners to the topic and why it matters.
This section outlines the painful emotions—shame, embarrassment, loneliness—and how abusers isolate victims from loved ones. Dr. D describes how attempting to reconnect can be met with misunderstanding or silence, increasing the emotional cost of disclosure.
Dr. D discusses how speaking up may mean losing financial support from an abusive partner, leaving victims with nowhere to go and prompting many to return to the abusive relationship. She explains this dynamic as a common, often overlooked reason people stay.
Dr. D acknowledges that confronting someone about abuse can create tension and distance, and she encourages bystanders to offer presence and readiness to listen rather than force confrontation. She also reassures victims that trained advocates and agencies exist to provide nonjudgmental support.
In closing, Dr. D highlights possible gains from speaking up—peace, relief, safety—and stresses timing and gut instincts when deciding to act. She recommends connecting with local domestic violence resources and trainings, reminds listeners to care for themselves, and ends with brief seasonal reflections and a sign-off.
Hello, Cadre. It's me, Dr. D. Please, please forgive my eye. I got a sty and I was not trying to rhyme right there, but I picked up a sty because this past weekend I was invited back to the TEDx stage in Arlington Heights and I was able to be a guest MC. So I got to announce two of the new speakers for the new class. And I can't wait for you to see their talks. They are absolutely phenomenal. So stay tuned. Make sure you check them out on YouTube for TEDx Arlington Heights. But today I want to kind of wrap up our discussion we've been having about domestic violence awareness month.
And I was trying to decide if I wanted to talk more about the cost of silence or the cost of actually speaking up. And I think I want to dive into the cost of speaking up when we're in a bad situation or bad relationship. And there are so many costs involved. And I think this is what many people try to avoid because there is a cost. So if you have been in a violent relationship or you know someone in a violent relationship or who has been, I want you to consider some of the things that we're discussing and that we've been discussing this month.
It's not easy getting out. Hello, speak wonder. It's not easy to tell your story. There's a lot of pain, shame, embarrassment, loneliness that comes with speaking up. And that is one of the costs. Sometimes, well, I'll say many times, Many times people who are in violent relationships have been isolated by their partner, by their abuser. And what happens over time is that person will pull you away from everyone who loves you because they need to have some sense of control over you. But what happens when you're ready to talk about it?
What happens when you're ready to tell your story and tell your truth? Well, here's the cost in that. One of the costs in speaking up is You may try to regain the community that you lost, but you might find that because you had distanced yourself for so long, they're not ready to receive you. They don't understand your situation. They may not understand everything you've gone through. And maybe they've seen you go through a violent situation over and over and over with the same person or different people.
And they may be in a space where they just don't want to hear it anymore. So they have decided that enough is enough for them and they've decided to pull away from you too. That is one of the costs of actually getting to a place of wanting to speak up and tell your story and reach out for help. You may be met with silence on the other end. But another cost of speaking up and telling your story is you may lose the financial support that you had from your abusive partner. Because when you speak up and tell your story and you get help, you may find yourself in a place where you have no support because you decided to leave the one person that even though they were abusing you and hurting you, that they were actually taking care of you at the same time.
But that's part of that dynamic of power and control. And if that sounds familiar to you, let me know. I think this is one of those costs that we don't consider why women stay or victims. I'll just say victims because this happens to men too. But that is one of the costs that we don't consider with why a person might decide to stay in their relationship and not leave and not tell their story because the cost of saying something means that they lose the support, the only support that they have, even if it's toxic.
I have known so many victims that have tried to leave, have tried to speak up, have tried to ask for help. And they tend to return to that cycle of abuse themselves because it's scary when they actually do leave and they realize there's no one and nothing there. They have nowhere to go. They have no one to talk to. And so it's easier to just go back. But that's the other silent part of the cost is when you speak up, when you try to get help and when you're met with all of this silence and distance from the people that you thought were going to be there, you go back and you just return to that cycle.
You return to the one thing that you try to step away from. And there's the confusion. That cost of confusion, the cost of I don't know what to do now, the cost of I guess it's better to just stay here, the cost of being in this mental space of I'm not safe, but this feels safer than being alone. Tell me if you've been there. Speak wonder, you said it sounds dreadfully familiar. I love that word dreadfully. It's so descriptive with your daughter and her spouse. And speak wonder, I do want to touch on that as well.
It is hard to see someone when you're in the outside of this cycle, when you're in the outside of seeing the person you love go through this cycle. there might be a cost for you too, because when you do speak up, and I talked about this last week, I believe, the cost of speaking up as a bystander is you might create more tension between you and the person that you're trying to help. The cost of you speaking up is you might create more distance between you and the person you're trying to help because they're not quite ready to receive that.
They're not quite ready to have that tough conversation. And so I want to encourage everyone who's listening to this. If you're the bystander in this situation, you're like, well, should I say something? Maybe the only thing you need to say is I'm here. Maybe the only thing you need to tell them is when you're ready to talk, I'm willing to listen because you don't know when that time is going to come, but you do need to be ready. But if you're the person that's in this violent relationship, I want you to know that even if your family and your friends may not be there anymore, that there are still people who are trained to listen to you, that are trained to help you, that are trained to give support.
And they get this training not because it's a job, but it's really coming from their heart. And a lot of people who work in domestic violence agencies, I'll say, or companies, they have also been abused at some point and so they're ready to give back. So don't hesitate to speak up. I know there is a cost that comes with it. But what do you also gain by speaking up? Do you gain a sense of peace? Do you gain a sense of relief, even if you are alone for a season? Do you gain a sense of safety that you haven't had in such a long time?
That is the gain we get in using our voice. And your voice is powerful. Your voice is something that you use to keep yourself safe. Maybe you have to use it to keep your children safe. And maybe you have to use it to keep your family and friends around you safe. Okay, so don't hesitate to speak up, but know that timing is important too. But yeah, speak wonder. It is tricky knowing when to do that. And I'm one of those people that I firmly believe in. recognizing your gut. What is your gut telling you to do?
And a lot of times we miss the opportunity to speak up because we don't trust our gut. We don't trust when that feeling comes up. We're like, this is the time to say something. And maybe we want to avoid conflict. And so we decide not to. It's hard. It's a hard balance to find. I've been there. I've been there on both sides. But seeing a friend or a loved one in the situation, knowing that I can help them, knowing that I should say something because they don't see the toxicity themselves, but knowing when to do it, it's hard.
It's really hard. But I do encourage people that are in that space to know that, yes, it is necessary at a time. So just be ready. That's all I can say is be ready. So this month, if you, I mean, we have a few more days left for October. if you are able to connect with domestic violence agencies in your area, please do. Please check out maybe some of the purple ribbons you might see around your town or purple dots. There's a training in our area. It's called the purple dot or the purple one training.
I think that's what it's called. If you're wanting to know more about domestic violence awareness and how to recognize the signs, how to help someone. There are trainings available in different cities and they're free. It's free. So don't miss out. So next month, November, who knows what we're going to talk about. If you have a hot topic that you want me to cover, let me know. Put it in the chat. I know the last two months of the year, people are starting to wind down. And so I do want to give a reminder to take care of yourself, take time to be still, take time to reflect.
This year went by so fast, right? We've got two months left. I already put up my Christmas tree y'all. But I'm also recognizing the seasons. I don't know where you are, but here in the Midwest, it's supposed to be cold and it's not. It's still 70 degrees out here. It's weird. but I also want to take that time to just enjoy it. So don't let life pass you by, okay? I hope you guys have a wonderful day and a wonderful week and hopefully next week my eye will be better. Speak Wonder, thank you for joining me.
I'll see you next time. Bye.
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