What you believe about yourself is what you are going to seek or tolerate in relationships. And, what you think about yourself is what you're going to attract. When we have inner feelings of unworthiness, we seek unhealthy people and it perpetuates the violence cycle.
Carey: Today I'm going to talk about a difficult topic of domestic violence. She says she was in an abusive marriage for four years and with this person for three years prior to that. Carey: After a while, you believe the things that are said to you or you believe that you deserve to be hurt or hit. This could definitely be triggering for some people.
Hey, Cadre family doctor Carey here. Today I'm going to talk about a difficult topic of domestic violence. And just a heads up. This might be definitely triggering for some of you because I'm going to get pretty deep really quick. And I just want to make that caveat that this might be difficult for you to hear and you might learn some things about yourself that you weren't sure were there. Or maybe I'm going to confirm some things, but I just want to make sure that I put that out there, that this could definitely be triggering for some people.
I was in an abusive marriage for four years and with this person for three years prior to that. What I find so fascinating is that I didn't realize I was in an abusive relationship until three years after I was divorced. And I had to interact with him again at this point, which is when things started coming up and I started having flashbacks and things were just being revealed and I was just in shock that I, of all people, ended up in an abusive, unhealthy marriage because I wasn't the kind of person that grew up.
I was not a meek, mild mannered woman. I'm a strong female and I go after what I want in life. And I've always been told I'm confident and intimidating. And so to end up in a relationship with someone where I was beat down so much, it just shocks me. And it also just goes to show that this can happen to anyone, male, female, whatever your upbringing, it can happen to anyone. I was even working in healthcare as a sexual assault nurse and, you know, helping identify people who were in unhealthy situations, human trafficking victims, and yet I still didn't even realize I was in the midst of it.
That's what's so crazy to me. So as I go back to that time, I wonder what was going on with me that I stayed, first of all, and didn't even realize that I was in it. And it's interesting. So the abuse that I endured in my marriage was mostly verbal and emotional, some physical. But what's so interesting is the things that he would say to me over and over and over. I eventually started to believe, which is really what happens in the cycle of abuse. And they don't really even talk about that part of it.
They talk about how an abuser, you know, says something, does something that's obviously unhealthy and uncalled for, and then, you know, has this apology and then the honeymoon period and all this stuff in the cycle of abuse. But what they don't really talk about is that after a while, you believe the things that are said to you or you believe that you deserve to be hurt or hit, and so it almost becomes expensive. Like, after a while, I expected to be talked to, like, I was talked to. I expected to be told that I was worthless and ugly and not good enough because I believed those things about myself.
Because after a while, you become brainwashed and you truly believe those things about yourself. So with somebody else saying those things to you, even if they are supposed to be your biggest supporter as your spouse, your life partner here, they're just confirming what you already believe about yourself. So you don't really even start to realize that that's not normal, that's not healthy, that's not okay that somebody is talking to me like that because they're just confirming something that you believe about yourself.
They're just validating essentially the things that you're already telling yourself. So when I had that realization, it was just, it was just so, such an aha. Moment of like, well, of course people end up in abusive relationships and don't even realize it because they don't even think it's abusive. After a while, you just believe that's kind of how life goes. So I didn't start to really process this until I ended up in a healthy relationship. And I started to recognize that, wow, those things that were said to me, they're not true, first of all.
And secondly, that's not okay that somebody talked to me like that. So I don't know if this is, you know, raising any red flags in your relationships or what this is doing for you, but I just feel really compelled to share and increase awareness about this piece of domestic violence and just violence in relationships in general that people don't talk about because it really comes down to the core beliefs about yourself that you have to work on. Obviously, I'm not condoning staying in an unhealthy relationship, but really underneath the surface, what do you truly believe about yourself?
Because what you believe about yourself is what you're going to seek, and you're going to find someone who's going to affirm those things about you. And unless you truly believe that you are an incredible, amazing, gifted, beautiful human being, you're going to seek out somebody who's going to affirm the things that you think about yourself, whether that means you're worthless, you're ugly, you're not good at anything, you can't accomplish anything, you'd be rather off dead. You believe those things about yourself.
You're going to find someone who's going to affirm those and validate those. So I guess it would take this opportunity to really like, look deep inside yourself about what do you believe about yourself? Because that's where the healing journey really has to begin. Because I can find a healthy relationship and in fact, I'm in one. And it is the best thing in the world to be with someone who affirms me and supports me and who's my biggest cheerleader. But unless I believe those things about myself, it really doesn't matter what they say.
It doesn't matter what they tell me because I have to believe those things about myself first in order for me to actually accept that somebody's going to give me a compliment. So I want to delve more into this topic, for sure in several more videos, but really want to look at like, what are you saying about yourself? Because that's the kind of people you're going to attract in your life. And I'm here to tell you that sitting on the other side of this, you are worthy. You are worthy of being treated well, of being talked to well.
You are not worthy of being hit, being hurt. No one deserves to be hurt. I don't care what you believe about yourself, but you do not deserve to be treated poorly or hurt or physically hurt or emotionally hurt. You do not deserve that. No matter what you've done in life, you don't deserve that. So please take those words to heart, because you are a beautiful human being. Every single person on this planet is a beautiful human being and you deserve to be happy. And you deserve to be surrounded by people who lift you up and treat you well.
I hope that inspires you and encouraged you. Check in more with me. We're going to talk more about this topic in depth. Thanks. Have a great day, guys.
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