Setting Boundaries with Intention

Hey, Cadre. Family doctor Carey here. Today I'm going to expand on the topic of setting boundaries and making ultimatums and give you an example of a time when I had to do this. It was scary, let me tell you, because I had not set a boundary with this particular person before. This was in a relationship, and this person had badgered me for quite a while. I allowed the behavior, which I take full responsibility for. But just understand that when you're setting a boundary for the first time or making an ultimatum with someone, that you've allowed that behavior to continue.

It's really hard. It's a lot easier if this becomes your lifestyle of speaking up for yourself and respecting yourself in that manner. Where you do this with strangers, where you do this with people in intimate relationships, because it can be really hard if you've allowed that behavior for so long. And I'm not saying that you deserve to be treated that way, however that situation might look for you. But just know that it's pretty scary the first time you do this, because what happens is it creates this power dynamic.

This person or people have had a control over you or a power over you for a while. And in doing so, for example, in my relationship with my ex husband, he badgered me a lot. He would demean me, degrade me, shame me, just say really horrible things to me. And I just stood there and took it. Instead of setting a boundary or making an ultimatum with him, I took it for a long time. And so as I started getting healthier and understanding that this was an unhealthy dynamic, because I didn't realize it at the time, I started setting a boundary with him and making ultimatums in a very non threatening way.

I never did threaten, divorce or leaving him. My threats came across as a healthy way of an ultimatum. In saying, if you continue to talk to me like this, I'm going to leave the room. It sounds really simple. It basically is saying, I'm not allowing myself to be talked to like this. I'm respecting myself right now. And I'm also giving you the opportunity to stop by letting you know that you've crossed a line. So again, remember when you set boundaries or make ultimatums, that you're also doing that out of respect for the other person.

So in this particular example, he was shaming me. I don't even remember what it was about, but I just said, please stop talking to me this way. And let me tell you, he took that and ran with it. That was not something he was used to hearing from me. And it came across as kind of weak in a sense because I was asking nicely, I was setting a boundary, setting the limit and saying, please stop talking to me like this. And he basically just ignored me, which can happen the first time, the first ten times, 1st 50 times, you set a boundary with someone and say, out of respect for yourself, please stop doing this or stop talking to me this way, stop treating me this way.

Because what you're doing is you're taking that power back that they have over you. And it looks really scary for them. They are not even consciously aware of it, especially if you're talk, if I'm talking about an abusive relationship, they don't necessarily even recognize what they're doing. A lot of times people who are abusers don't even realize that what they're saying is abusive. So by setting that boundary, it might get glossed over pretty quickly and just recognize that the first time you do this, that might happen.

And that's okay because it's a practice to get used to saying those things and standing up for yourself in a respectful, healthy way. So as this continued, I ended up having to set an ultimatum with my ex husband. And again, this can be really scary, especially if you're in an abusive relationship. So I just want to say, practice this with caution because I understand what being in a domestic violence situation can look like. And sometimes making an ultimatum can actually result in worse abuse. So I just want to acknowledge that if that's where you're at with the situation.

But keep in mind this can also mean talking to family members. Say you're at a holiday gathering, whatever it may be, and someone is just really not leaving you alone. They are being disrespected to you. It's okay to say, please stop talking to me like that. If you continue to talk to me like that, I'm going to leave the room. And the thing is, then you have to do it. You actually have to follow through, because if you don't follow through on what you're doing, you're disrespecting them and yourself.

And you're really not acting out of integrity, which I know majority of people actually want to be in integrity. So I can tell you, the first time I did this with my ex husband, it was the scariest thing in the world because I thought he was actually going to come after me and I thought he was going to hurt me physically when I did this. But it shocked him so much that I actually set this ultimatum and then left the room that it gave him like a second to calm down. So I said that if you continue to talk to me like this, I've asked you to stop, I'm going to leave the room.

And he honestly didn't know what to do when I walked out of the room. I can tell you that about a minute passed and he came after me and started yelling at me again, in which case, this is where it gets really scary, especially in a domestic violence situation, and you have to set the next ultimatum. So when you're working on this or starting off doing this in a relationship, I would encourage you to look at kind of what would the progression be that you need to do. It might mean just simply leaving the room and walking away from the conversation.

It might mean leaving the house. It might mean leaving for good. So understand, like, what length am I willing to go to? Because don't threaten it if you're not gonna do it, don't make the ultimatum and say, I'm leaving you if you don't stop talking to me like this. If you really aren't going to do that, make the statement that you're actually going to follow through on, because then you're respecting and honoring yourself and the other person. So let me tell you, this is really scary. I just remember standing there.

My blood was just boiling through my body. My heart was racing so fast when I said these things to him. And then when he came after me and just started yelling and just, like, getting super, like it was ready to hit me. And at that point, I didn't even say anything. I just walked out of the house. I literally got in my car and left. And that's okay, too. Just understand that sometimes if you aren't able to say something, that's okay. Do what you need to do to get to safety. But it's always helpful to try to say something if you feel inspired, encouraged and empowered to do so, because it's letting the other person know the consequence of their actions and giving them the opportunity to correct it.

So I hope this was helpful. I know this can be really scary. Having done this in many different kinds of relationships, I can speak to the different dynamics of how sometimes somebody will respect you, sometimes somebody else will jump in and actually say something and recognize what's happening in the situation and the power struggle, but it can be scary. And I just want to acknowledge you for that if that's where you're at right now. But know that this can get better, especially in a domestic abuse situation, especially in a relationship that is really unhealthy in the dynamic.

It can get better. And it starts with these little changes. And also recognizing that you might have to be the one to make these changes and set boundaries and make ultimatums and follow through with them in order for the other person to actually start seeing change in order to start seeing change in behavior. But remember, don't make ultimatums if you aren't willing to follow through with them. The second you go back on what you said you were going to do, if you literally say, I'm going to leave you for good if this behavior continues and you go back to them, your word is kind of crap at that point, and I'm sorry to say it that way, but just make sure that what's coming out of your mouth is authentic and real and that you're willing to follow through with it.

So let me know how this goes. Let me know what experiences you have with this. I would love to find out how this is going and how I can help walk you guys through this because I know it can be really scary to do this. Thanks for tuning in. God bless.