Mental Health Matters 🧠 -Setting "Ultimate" Boundaries with Difficult People

Hey, folks, welcome to another episode of Mental Health Matters, where we talk about matters regarding mental health and addiction, because mental health is important. So we're sending the beacon out. Hopefully we're gonna get some folks hopping into the live that we can engage a little bit. But today I'm gonna be talking about a topic that I love, love, love teaching clients about. And that is the concept of setting boundaries. Right. And we hear about this all the time. Right. It's kind of made its way into the pop culture, you know, about the importance of self care and setting boundaries and setting limits with other people.

And I think overall, that's a good thing. However, I think we oversimplified a little bit. And I think sometimes that the advice that's given about it, or just the mere sentiment of just setting boundaries left and right and how that's just always a good thing, may be overstated a little bit. What up, JFJ? So today I want to talk a little bit about setting boundaries, like the different types of boundaries and how I divide them up. And some of the times that you may want to set them, and other times you want to maybe a little bit more cautious.

And one of the reasons is. So I'm actually writing a book about this, just about communication in general, and talking about different steps that you could take for conflict resolution, that there are many different things that you can do to help prevent situations from escalating, to resolve certain conflicts and conflicts, and doing so while preserving your relationship with the person. Right. Because we could go setting boundaries on people. And one of the reasons I caution against just doing this so liberally is that very often you're going to get a negative reaction.

Now, what folks may tell you is, well, if I'm setting boundaries for people and they're giving me a negative reaction, that's their problem, not mine. Now, there may be some truth that, let's say somebody is inappropriately overstepping in a socially inappropriate way, or they're being really invasive or intrusive, being unreasonable, difficult. And of course, if you set boundaries and they don't like that, oh, yeah, that is kind of on them. However, you still have to deal with the repercussions of them in their reactivity, and you may have to do that in the end.

That may be the case where you have to set some serious boundaries with somebody and they're not going to like it. And then that's just how it is. It may not be the most ideal situation, but sometimes that is the case when dealing with really difficult folks. However, I think there's a lot of steps you can take before that point. So, like an example for like a boundary, if you're telling someone, you know, like a boss that is making you come in on days that you never agreed to in the first place, right?

Setting that boundary of what does that look like as far as, okay, if you schedule me again, what will happen? Right. Telling that person, I cannot work these days, that's setting a boundary. But what happens if they then break that boundary? Then what do you do? So there's different levels to boundary setting, or whether it's boundaries you set with your children, if you're having to ground them or you're setting a different curfew with them, or if you have a son or daughter family member who's struggling with a severe addiction, some of the boundaries you set for them as far as lending them money or letting them stay with you, or boundaries with friends, maybe you have a friend that calls you all the time, you know, when they're drunk and there's always asking for help, or they're just like, are they being inappropriate?

Or someone at works being inappropriate. There's all these different situations where, you know, the concept of boundary setting may set in. However, it's important to know that we are always setting boundaries with people around us. We're always setting limits for ourselves too, and other people. So there's different types of boundaries, right? So that I called internal boundaries is one set of boundaries. That's the limits we set for ourself, right? Like, for example, I mean, sometimes it's pretty explicit, sometimes it's not.

But for example, you're like, I'm not going to do hard drugs. And most people set that boundary for themselves and follow it. And it's not an issue. However, for some people who have struggled with addiction to hard drugs, you know, maybe at some point they change their internal boundaries to say that this is something I'm no longer going to do, or it's limits I set for myself. Let's say I have a certain goal. Like I'm going to exercise three days a week. It's a boundary I set for myself, so I'm healthier, right?

And then the external boundaries are the ones that I set with other people, like we were talking about before. So basically, like, again, there's different steps to take. Like, for example, you know, having certain conversations with people, doing it in a more effective way, in a less judgmental way, using certain skills, like reflecting, reflecting what they said back to you. For example, if someone's expressing some concern, you basically state that back to them saying, look, let's say someone said, let's say they're like, I'm really upset with the fact that you didn't accept my return.

So you're like a customer service. You'd be like, oh, it sounds like this is something really frustrating to you, that. That this is the, you know, that we're not taking your return and the time that you want. So, like, just repeating back, showing that you're listening, using these active listening skills. Again, I could go into this for hours. But I guess, like, the point is there's steps that you could take to try to resolve conflicts before you start explicitly stating boundaries. So I say that there's two main types of external boundaries you could break those up into.

I call them frontline and ultimate. And the frontline boundaries are ones that you could really set at any point. And I break those down a little bit. So I call them, like, initial frontline boundaries where, you know, basically you start working for someone, you say, hey, I just, you know, I can't work Saturdays. I have an engagement. I. Sunday mornings, I play in the church band, and I can't work Sunday mornings. Right. So that's just something that you told someone. You know, it's important to let people know your boundaries beforehand, and they're less likely to break them if you don't tell them.

So Jungkook junkie said, look at boundaries like guidelines such as a line drawn in the sand. It can be moved depending upon the situation of person. Yes, exactly. So these frontline boundaries that I'm talking about maybe have a degree of flexibility to them, or let's say with a, you know, with some boundaries that can be negotiable, maybe certain things with your kid, as far as we go to McDonald's once a week, or maybe we could do twice a week if such. I don't know, just in certain boundaries with yourself where you could have a little bit of flexibility with it, you know, kind of the two to three number versus just a very strict boundary.

So there's plenty of examples of a more flexible boundary, but these frontline boundaries are ones that are going to be more flexible, and perhaps we don't really even demonstrate that they are flexible with other people. For example, I have a hard time thinking of examples on the fly with this. I should really do that. But I have a bunch of these in my book I'm writing. But let's say, okay, so an example, flexible boundary. Let's say I have someone who's living in my house, I have a friend who's staying with me.

They're overstaying their welcome a little bit, and I say, have a conversation. Look like, I've been happy to have you here. It's been great, but I really. I'm at a point now where I'm needing my space back. And I really. So initially, when you came, you said you'd be here for two to three weeks. It's been about four to. To five now, and five. I'm thinking that maybe. I'm thinking that I can have you here one more week to really try to tie everything together. But I need you to be out after that.

I'm willing to help you. Right. So you give them that boundary of a week. Now, if somebody's in a really difficult situation, we have to sometimes expect, if they've already broken that initial kind of more, maybe it wasn't, as established of a boundary, know that they're gonna have a hard time doing it. So at that frontline boundaries, I need you out at a week. However, I know in the back of my mind that they don't need to be out in that week. It's just a date that I'm setting, and then maybe I'm okay with ten days, but I don't tell them the ten days.

Right? So this is where the ultimate inflexible boundary is, wherever you want to set it. But here's the initial boundary. So that's the flexible boundary that I let them know, and let's say they get to that point and they really believe that it's the week when they're like, oh, no, I forgot to put the deposit down, or I forgot to pick up the key. Something happens. I say, look, I'll be out tomorrow, okay? So it's still a win because this was, like the max time that we were expecting. However, if they aren't really following through and they're making all these excuses, you could say, look, I'm going to give you just three more days.

However, I really need you to be out at this time. This is, this, you know, this will be the last day, you know, that I need your stuff to be out. Right. Or if it's, like, really becoming an issue, right. In those ultimate boundaries, if you have to set those ultimate boundaries with them, you may say, here's what will happen if you don't move out, that, you know, your stuff will be, I will have to pack your stuff up and have it out if it really comes down to that. But again, that's why you want to avoid those ultimate boundaries of saying.

Especially if I wasn't super clear to say, well, just so you know, all your stuff needs to be out by this time. Otherwise. Xyz. But I never really gave them a chance. So that's why I talk about really taking a series of steps before getting to that point of setting these ultimate boundaries that are not flexible. In my book, I talk about. There's a quote that's like, in the storm, the reed that bends is still standing where the mighty oak snaps. That's inflexible. So it's something where it's like the.

It's like in. It's like the green reed in the wind. Now, I'm just gonna, like, have to look this up. So I call them, like, reed and oak boundaries. But it's basically saying that in a storm, a reed bends in the wind, and it doesn't snap. However, the mighty oak snaps, because it's inflexible. So the frontline boundaries are like the reed, right, that you're able to flex however, it slows the wind down. And then when it gets to the point where you have that ultimate boundary, the resistance lowers, and then they're not going to be able to get past that oak.

If you lead with the oak and it takes the full brunt of the wind, it may snap and create a situation that you don't want. So, yes, that's just something to consider when setting boundaries is. I mean, in the end, to not go for the kind of that nuclear option right away. It's like they're like antibiotics, ultimate boundaries. You only want to use them if you really have to. Because it can do some damage to the relationship, and it can create some reactivity. But there are certain situations where that person kind of left you no choice.

You've tried, it's like, deploy like, you know, the ultimate. But the frontline boundaries are kind of like diplomacy. And then the ultimate boundaries are like, they're not war itself. But it's basically stating, if this isn't a, b and c is not done, we're going to war. And that's obviously not what you want to do, but it's something you may have to do to use your force, to use leverage. Instead of that more effective communication and diplomacy. Anyways, I hope that made some sense and maybe give you something to think about for those who have boundaries in your life.

To try a little bit of a different approach, to try a more artful approach, to try a more two tiered approach where you're using some of those frontline boundaries. Just asking for what you want, you know, just asking nicely. Hey, can you please. Can you please respect this for the example with the. You know, you play in the church band Sundays, you start getting scheduled. Here's a reminder. Frontline boundary. Hey, just so you know, I can't, you know, just. Just to remind you, like I said at the beginning, when I started working, I can't.

That's the one day I just absolutely cannot do is Sundays. Can we please figure out something different? You know, and then eventually, if they keep doing it, then you give that ultimate boundary of, if this happens again, I'm going to be putting in my notice and using that last piece of leverage you have. So that's maybe a practical example of how that would look of using those skills. Instead of the first time your manager schedules you for that Sunday saying, hey, if you do this again, I'm putting in my notice where they may be like, whoa, hey, it was an accident or a typo or something like that.

Right? And you just kind of damage the relationship by going a little too quick. I actually had the situation happen. It was funny. Like, as I was writing about this, the situation came up, and I thought it was so funny and so timely, where I had a new contractor I was working with. Not really a contractor, but they're, you know, a consultant, you know, that we hired, and we started working with them, and they're newer to this and having their own business, and we. Yeah. So we did some work together.

She sent the first bill, and she sent it directly to me and not my team, who does, like, the processing of payments. So I just didn't look super closely, because all of our conversations had been with the whole team. And then I didn't realize that this one with the bill was just, to me, I mean, which made sense, I guess. We didn't really talk about it. So just, like a week went by, and then I got this, like, really. Or, like two weeks went by, and I got, like, a really intense email, you know, where this person maybe assumed that I just wasn't gonna pay or I didn't respect her.

I didn't. You know, and it was kind of like, if you don't pay, we're gonna have to cancel this relationship. And I'm just like, whoa. I look back and see, yeah, sure enough, you know, no one else was Cc'd, but she never really gave me a chance, you know, she never, like, assumed that I just made a mistake or maybe in her mind, just went to the worst, or she's just so strict. But I mean she was always so nice and flexible and so after that, I mean, I just even either way I would have just paid right away and been like, yeah, that was my mistake.

And then after that we'd have something more established and it wouldn't happen again. Right. So I think diplomacy could have been done first in that situation and not because basically the ultimate boundaries is essentially a threat is really what it comes down to is that ultimate boundaries of threat and we don't want to be threatening unless we absolutely have to. And if we're going to do it, we want to do it in the most kind, respectful but also assertive, direct way possible. Anyways, I hope you got something from that.

It was just something that's been on my mind and something I thought that could be helpful. Anyways, take care y'all. You're awesome.