What’s In Your Toolbox?

Hi, Cadre fam. It's ya girls. It's so good to be back with you. She was gone last week, if you recall. I was gone last week, if you didn't catch the recording on the Thanksgiving holiday, I was Mary. I took one for the team. If you have no idea who we are, welcome to our livestream. It's almost like welcoming you into our home because we are in my home. This is my office. We like to call it girls mentorship headquarters. Number two, number one is Jill's house. That's where the idea is, was born.

And that's where we, you know, came up with all the ideas. So this is Jill. Hi, my name is Mary. We own a company called Girls Mentorship, where we teach life and personal development skills to teen and tween girls. And hold on 1 second before you go to swipe away or leave because you're thinking teen girl. I'm not a teen girl. I'm not a girl, let alone a teen girl. That's okay. We don't teach specific teen and tween girl life and personal development skills. What we do is teach them in a way, for teen and tween girls to be able to understand them and put them into practice in their life.

But realistically, we all need them. We all need them. I don't know if you're present during 2023, but we all need them 100%. It's funny because we were just watching a TikTok of a young girl, nine, she was nine, talking to two grown adults in a way that just made you cringe, feel the ick. That's what the kids say now, the ick or cringe. And what is interesting, her mother didn't even correct her speaking to an adult that was not part of the family, a well known, very esteemed person. And she was just speaking to him in a way that, yes, we want our kids to practice autonomy, but we want them to do so in a way that showcases that.

With autonomy comes great personal response and understanding that respect goes both ways. So be open and honest, but do so in a way that is respectful to the person you're being open and honest to. And that was not the case in this video. So it was clear that she not only needed it, but her mother needed the training as well. She needs to be on these live streams. She needs to be on Cadre. She needs to be on cadres, stat. And we suspect that's why you're here, because as a collective, we've noticed that just things are interesting in 2023.

We all need a set of skills. We all need some tools, as Luke just pointed out, like, this is called toolbox Tuesday for a reason. And we figured that since it was also giving Tuesday, hashtag giving, giving Tuesday, we would talk about the rule of reciprocity. So what is giving Tuesday, Jill? Do you know? You know, giving Tuesday started. We did a little research in 2012, and we're coming off of a holiday. So Thanksgiving, Black Friday, then small business Saturday. Cyber Monday. Cyber Monday. And so the nonprofit world was like, hey, what an opportunity for people to feel good giving.

So now we've established giving Tuesday, which started just, I mean, not too long ago, 2012. 2012. And it's for what Jill just said, nonprofits. And literally in 2020, I mean, there was, like $2 billion given to nonprofits around the world. So it's an incredible way to give back to your community. You've got tax breaks that you could utilize to give back to local school districts or nonprofits in your area. So we encourage you to look at your local community and find where you could give back. But we wanted to really talk about the rule of reciprocity here.

Well, and I also think sometimes these holidays stir up a lot of stress or overwhelm around spending, spending, spending, spending. And I don't have any more to give. And so this conversation is going to support you if you are feeling that way or if you're not. It's just a good reminder around how you can give yourself today and for the rest of this week, challenge you for the rest of the month. Let's end the year this way by just showing up as your best self, giving people your time, your attention, your energy, and not expecting anything in return.

I think that's the rule of reciprocity. In order to get something that you want back, you have to give it. So what do we mean by this? Let's give an example. Say I go to Starbucks this morning, and I'm in a mood. I don't want to say hi to people. And then in an exchange, the barista's upset. They spelled my name wrong. You know, it's just very transactional. Her name is Jill. She usually gets Bill or Jill 100% all the time. But what happens if today, if I had more intention around how I wanted to leave this person better than how I found them, it's, hey.

Hi. Good morning. How are you? You know, as opposed to just ordering my coffee order. So it's taking a moment to know that I want to show up as my best self with energy, with light, and leave these people better than how I found them to get in exchange. Maybe a. Oh, thanks so much for asking how I was or making my day. And I think this is poignant for the two of us. Lori, you agree? So good. It really is. And it doesn't take anything. I think when people think of giving. Tuesday, right. I just brought up a monetary amount, $2 billion.

You don't always have to give money. Money is. Yes, I think the first conclusion that people jump to. But how do you give your effort, your time, your energy, your happiness, your gratitude? And I love examples because it's practical, right? We're on here because it's our lived experience and our lived experience. We met at Lululemon in 2016. Jill hired me. She was my store manager at the store that I was applying at during holiday. Holiday retail is one of the most interesting times to work in a retail store.

Just is. It's awesome. It's busy. You're hustling, you're bustling. But then you get the people who come in searching for something that's not there, whose hair is on fire. Woo. Hair on fire. And they come in hot. Literally. You don't have their size for black align pants because everyone wants a pair of aligned pants. And the most popular sizes are four and six. So if you come in in the last minute, it's really difficult to actually find what you need. And instead of taking responsibility and saying, well, I came in two days before Christmas thinking they would have something.

My apologies. They point the finger and give you their bad energy. So it's always my intention to flip anybody's mood or make anybody's mood better. I was the cashier that stood out there with a smile on my face. Face and a joke. Ready? I was in a bubble, and I wasn't gonna let anybody's mood take me down. Or at least that was my intention. And I would say 90% of the time, I did a really good job. I'm a big people person. If you've met me in person, you know that I'm witty, I have a joke. I can very easily or pointedly turn somebody's mood around with just my energy.

And I find that to be one of the most skillful things that you could do. And I cherish that about my personality, and I really got to exercise it. Working retail during the holiday season, in terms of, like, the work we do, we love to tell the girls, think ten to 13, they're just coming into themselves. They can come off as really selfish, when really we like to paint the picture that they're self seeking. So when they're seeking self and when they're trying to figure out who they are and what they like, it can come off as really self centered, right?

Ten to 13 is a really hard age to parent because they always want something from you, and it seems like they're always mad at you and they're, like the closest to you. You're the closest to them. So it's really easy for them to take out their aggression and mood and bad day on you because you have to love them. It just kind of is what it is when you wanted to sign up to be a parent. So we love to coach the girls that we work with that if they want something from their parents, think extended curfew or that new hot clothing item.

Uggs are back. Uggs are back. And we want the little platforms, and they cost $225. Are you going to get that thing by being, quite frankly, a little a****** to your parents? No, probably not. So how do you give to get? And we like to say, we like to give without expectation, but at that age, that's really hard. So we like to say the cheat card is maybe your mom's love language is quality time. So instead of coming home from school, marching up to your room and slamming your door to spend the next 5 hours before dinner, why don't you do your homework in the kitchen with her as she prepares it?

It's not any different. You still have to do your homework. You don't necessarily have to have a big conversation, but your mom is gonna notice that you're there and you're spending time with her rather than spending it alone in your room. And you're more likely to get what you want out of that because you are putting in effort to that relationship. So now put yourself in a different set of shoes. You're a grown adult. How are you giving to get? How are you telling the universe that you're open to receiving?

By doing exactly what you want, which means you're looking somebody in the eye. You're taking a moment with them, a big, deep breath. So in the middle of their rush shift of having to get somebody else's coffee order right after you, you stop and ask them, how are you? Because how many times do they have to take somebody's coffee order without somebody actually being concerned about who they are? So giving, giving in order to get it doesn't always have to be monetary. It literally can be your energy exchange.

So that's our challenge today, is what is, what are what's the gift that you're giving the world. And the world seems pretty big. So who are the people that you're impacting today? How are you leaving them better than how you found them? That's one of our goals every single day. That when we come in exchange with a stranger or our family members or friends or whomever, we want to make sure that we leave them better than how we found them. Because that's important to us. Because you never know, truly, and I know I say this with, when we say, like, you give without expectation, but it's incredible.

It's incredible when people feel seen and valued and appreciated and loved, that they're then willing. When you do need something in the future, they're the ones that are like, yes, you always ask me how I am, and I'm willing to help you when you need help. So dance with that. I think that's a really fun way today to explore giving Tuesday without feeling like your pockets are going broke. And try it on. And we would love to hear how that goes for you. And teach your kids, if you are a parent, it's so important to not raise kids who are self absorbed.

And it's all about me, me, me. Even though they are self seeking, that's totally fine. But teaching them the rule of reciprocity is going to serve them greatly in their lives now and as they grow into becoming adults. Well, and I just two points from really what Jill just said. How easy is it to remember the terrible interaction you had with somebody, whether it's a waitress or somebody at a retail store, and maybe you're the employee and you go home and your spouse or your friend is like, how was your day?

And you're like, it was awful. Because this, and this and this happened, and this person was real rude. Right? It's very easy to recall those interactions with people. What Jill said in terms of, we want to leave people better than we found them. My whole intention is I want somebody to go home, and instead of recounting the awful experience they had with somebody, to remember the experience they had with me. And I don't want to say that in a selfish way. They don't have to remember anything about me, my face, my voice.

I want them to remember how I made them feel. And there is that old quote, people won't remember what you said. People won't remember what you did, but people will remember how you made them feel. And I want that to be stamped on their brain after an interaction with either one of us. The other thing I heard the other day, in terms of empathy, we want our kids to be empathetic and not self absorbed. Unfortunately, there is an inverse graph going on. As time goes on, you can see empathy going like this and self absorption going like this in the opposite direction.

And that's due to a lot of things. We could get into that on a totally different live, but it's really because parents are saying, you are the center of my world, and not teaching their kids that. That doesn't mean that they're the center of the world. So Jill has two kids. They are the center of her world. They are not the center of the world, though. And there is a line that parents are not drawing for their kids, which is making their kids think that they're the center of the world and they're not showing up empathetic, and they are showing up really self absorbed.

So I agree. If you are a parent at home, I think it's really important for you to have this conversation around the rule of reciprocity and putting out there what you want to receive in terms of good energy and looking people in the eye and being aware of who's around you and what your body language is, because that, as a collective, raises the group average. And I think the world definitely deserves more of that going on, as opposed to pointing fingers and closing off and thinking that you're the only person in the world and that the sun revolves around you, because that's not the case, and that only hurts humanity.

So, hash givingtuesday. Where can you give? Go give today and let us know how that felt for you, because, again, you're not expecting anything in return. And it is a really cool feeling to see somebody's total, whole mood shift, a total demeanor shift. Light up, really. You can see energy just being put back in their body. Gift that to somebody today because you deserve it in return. So happy giving Tuesday. We will see you guys on the next episode of Toolbox Tuesday. Bye, everyone.