Boundary Setting Breakdown: Frontline Boundaries

The boundaries we set with others is the distance we place between them and ourselves in order to feel emotionally safe. Now, when I teach people about boundary setting, when it comes to these relational boundaries, the boundaries we set with other people, I like to break it down into two different types. Frontline and ultimate. And frontline are the boundaries we initially set with other people. They're a little bit softer, they're a little bit more flexible, where the ultimate boundaries is when people repeatedly break our boundaries, our wishes, our limits, and we have to be a little bit more confrontational.

Now, the problem with the boundary setting advice I see out there, people are a little too quick to move to ultimate boundaries, starting off right away the first time anyone steps on your toes whatsoever, even if it's accidental. So I feel like if you want to set boundaries in the most effective way possible, you have to do this phase system. So in today's video, I'm going to talk about the first line of boundaries, which is the front line. So to highlight these principles, I want you to imagine this scenario.

And that is, you have a coworker. You've become really good friends over the years working together. However, you just got promoted now, you just went from being their friend to their boss. So here are some examples of the frontline boundaries you could set with that person to preserve your relationship. Because, you know, there can be some conflicts of interest coming up. So even within frontline boundaries, I break it down into three different types. And the first is preventative frontline boundaries.

These are conversations you have to set the standard for the relationship in hopes that there aren't any boundary crossings in the future, that you could maintain a healthy relationship. So here's what that would look like in this example. Stan, I value our friendship. So while we're at work, let's just remain professional. I'll treat you like any other team member, and any feedback I give you is purely professional. But after hours, we just hang out as friends. What do you think? As you can see there, I was just trying to be casual, laid back, not confrontational in any way to set the stage for a healthy working relationship.

And you notice at the end, I asked for his feedback, for his buy in, so that we can move forward together. And if there are any boundary violations, we could always go back and reference this original agreement. All right, so now let's suppose Stan showed up for work late twice this week, and he was expecting because, well, I'm his friend, that I was going to cut him some slacker, give him some special favor. In that case, I would go to level two of the frontline boundaries, which I call a reminder frontline boundary, and it would look something like this.

Stan, I know it's been a challenging week, but as a leader, I need to be consistent. So remember our chat about keeping personal and professional separate? I'd really like to stick to that. Can we get back on track? So, as you can see there, I tried to remain calm. I wanted to be positive, to keep the conversation in a collaborative tone by asking him that question, in the end, to try to get him to agree to our original agreement to move forward in a healthier way. So let's say Stan isn't following the boundaries.

He keeps coming in late. He's undermining you in front of other employees. You're at a situation where it's getting dire. Now, I still don't recommend going to that ultimate boundary phase, where essentially you're conveying that there will be consequences and what the consequences are. So in this form of boundary setting, which is final boundary setting, you're going to be a little bit more direct, maybe a little bit more stern in some ways, and you're going to note that there may be consequences in the future if you can't turn it around.

So it may look something like this. Stan, I'm noticing you're consistently late, even after our conversations. I'm also seeing your personal life seep into work where it's not appropriate. Unfortunately, I'm in a place where I may have to make some difficult decisions as a boss, which I really wouldn't want to do. I'm asking as both your friend and team leader, that you maintain appropriate boundaries and follow through on your commitments. Now, you'll notice there I was much more direct and assertive.

I was trying to portray the seriousness of the situation. I didn't necessarily ask him a question at the end, though I could have. I could have asked if there's something I could do to help or if there was something he wanted to share with me as to why this situation was continuing to happen. But either way, he really needed to know that the situation was of higher gravity, that there could be consequences in the future if the behavior or the dynamic just did not change. Now, even though I was very direct and clear, Stan still may not respect those boundaries.

And as a boss and a friend, I may have to now set ultimate boundaries. And this is the final step. This is where I'm outlining the consequences, the different paths forward if he follows the boundaries, but also if he doesn't follow the boundaries and what the consequences will be, ones that I need to be ready to follow through on. So this is a very delicate process, but it's really important and a really powerful tool for changing the dynamics of unhealthy relationships. So you don't want to miss this third video on boundary setting, where I outline how to use ultimate boundaries in the most effective way possible so that you could change your relationships and ultimately be happier.