Things We Aren’t Supposed To Talk About

Hi, cadres fear. Happy Monday, you guys. I'm coming to you live from St. Paul, Minnesota, on. I don't know what day it is. I think it's like the 27th, 28th, 29th. I think it's the 29 January. And I know some of. Some of the people that live here will hate this, but I love it because I'm sitting outside. I mean, I gotta show you, for those of you who don't live here, there's no snow. I'm sitting outside. I don't have my socks. I don't have shoes on. I don't have socks on. I am, to be fair, I am hot because I just got done working out.

But it is a gorgeous day in Minnesota, so we're celebrating that on this Monday. So, I am Shannon, for those of you who I haven't met, I am Shannon and I am here to talk about things we're not supposed to talk about. So, I'm not a clinician. I am a human who lives with anxiety, CPTSD, and I am a caregiver to a child with autism. So I just talk about life with those lenses and those lived experiences. Good morning, JC. Yes, it's Minnesota Spring. I mean, let's take it. I was imagining today on the way to the gym, what if, what if there's no snow?

So it's exciting. All right, you guys, so today, what we're gonna talk about on things we aren't supposed to talk about is how hard it can be to find your people. Especially for those of us who are, you know, adults. We don't have to name ages, but those of us who are, you know, in our thirties, in our forties and our fifties, and, you know, that part of life where maybe the number one priority typically isn't community or friendships, right? Like, a lot of us might have children or partners or lives that take up a lot of what we do.

And so thinking about who our people are might almost feel like a luxury. But I want to talk about it today because I think it's something I know for myself. It's always in my mind. I'm always seeking to have deep relationships and connections. And so I want to talk about a couple of ways that I have learned or things that I think about when I am seeking to find my people. So, first and foremost, my people are people who write notes on their texts, return information sheets. So those are my people.

Okay, so how do you find your people? So I think the number one thing is you have to be willing to be yourself. And that's a big one, right? Because so many of us are lonely. Loneliness is an epidemic. The surgeon general declared it one last year. And I would argue that part of why we're lonely is because it can be hard to be ourselves. It can be scary to be our authentic selves, because, and I'll speak from my personal experience, what if your authentic self isn't liked by someone that you really want to like you?

What if there's someone that you really want to be in a relationship with? You know, any kind of relationship, a friendship, a community member, all those kinds of things? And what if. What if when you show up as your authentic self, you're not accepted? And that's scary. And we've all likely lived that in one way, shape, or form. But I think to get to your people, you have to start with being willing to be yourself, no matter how scary that can be. Number two, as you try to find your people, I think you need to look at trying to understand their capacity to be themselves.

Right. So, understanding their capacity. Some people in life, many people, some, I don't know. I don't know if it's many or some people in life have social networks around them. And by social networks, I mean familial family members. I mean groups that you might belong to. Like, I'm a caregiver. If I meet another caregiver, immediately, I feel typically like we're connected, right? So we all have these groups around us, but even within those groups. So let's say you found a group you want to be a part of, and you're willing to be your authentic self or a human you want to get connected to, and you're willing to be your authentic self.

It's understanding the capacity of that other person to engage in that with you. Right. I'm going to steal from my friend Nikki, who will be coming to Cadre really soon. Nikki is a social emotional teacher. She's got all these credentials that I can't name off the top of my head, but there's a couple of things that she's taught me that I'm sure she's going to share with this group later on. And one is just different levels of communication capacity. Right. So as you meet someone, there will be people who have done work to understand themselves, to understand what it means to engage in a healthy relationship with others, and there will be people who don't.

And that's okay. No one is right or wrong in all of those scenarios. Right. But understanding the capacity is going to allow you, as a human, to say, okay, is this a relationship? Is this a connection? Is this a group where I can actually feel like they are my people? Like, we are communicating on the same level, and not everyone will be right. So I just want to say that. And then the third thing. So that's sort of an acknowledgement. And then the third thing is deciding if you go through this process with these people that you want to connect with and finding your people.

The third thing is, let's say you're connected. Let's say that capacity exists. And again, I'm going to steal from Nikki Mollette. So, Nikki, shout out to you. She has this construct where she talks about, is it first row, second row, or third row? Right? So if your life is play. If your life is a one person show, there will be people that are going to sit in the front row, and those are the people you're going to be most connected to. And those are going to be people that you have deep, dark secrets with.

And, you know, they're your people. They're your core people. And then there's going to be a second row, and those are going to be people that you might be. They might still be your people, right. But your connection might be something a little different. So I'll use an example from my life. I love people who are driven, and I love humor, right? Like, I like being silly, even though I'm old. Er, I love silliness and I love energy, and I love all those things. And so I found a group of people that I work out with every day who bring that to my life.

They are driven people of all ages. We joke, we have fun, we laugh. They're never going to be my first row people, but they're definitely my second row people. Right? We have this connection. We get each other, and they're a big, important part of my life. And they sit in the second row, and then there's gonna be that third row of people. Right? And that's where. Okay, you have said I'm being my authentic self. You may or may not have the capacity to show up in the same way. Likely you do. And you're still gonna be my third row people.

Right? They might be business associates. They might be people that you have sort of, like, one thing in common with. Right? I met someone on Friday here in Minnesota who leads an organization, an advocacy organization. She's the CEO of big advocacy organization for people with disabilities. And the minute we started talking to each other, I was like, oh, you're my person. We're each other's people. I shouldn't speak for her. She was my person. Because we get it. We get what each other is going through.

And so I think that's the number three thing. She's never probably gonna be my best friend. She might not even sit. I might not see her on a regular basis, but she's gonna sit in that third row for me, and she's still gonna be my person, my people, right? She's gonna be part of who I am. And so that's what I wanted to talk about today, is it's hard to do. And JC says, it never gets easy to not be accepted. Right. When you're authentic. It's not. No, exactly. Right? We turn into four fourth graders or third graders or kids or whatever it is, and it doesn't mean anything's wrong with you, and it doesn't mean anything is wrong with that other person or that group of people.

Right? All it means is that them showing up authentically, and you showing authentically isn't, like, the best match. Great. Then you say, awesome. You're a beautiful person. I love hearing your different perspective. And then you just continue on your way to find your people. So that's what I wanted to talk about today. I know that I am constantly evolving to try to find my people, and I know Cadre, for me, is a piece of that, because we are all here because we want to be real, authentic people, living real lives, talking about our mental health, talking about the things that happen to us as humans.

And so I know you all are my people. JC is my people. My person. Right. I know that. And so, just wanted to share my point of view on how to do that. So, one more time, be willing to be yourself, first and foremost, understand the capacity of that other party to show up as themselves. And then, number three, think about, like, okay, great. Is that a first row, second row, third row, person? And they're all good. They all serve a different function. JC is finding his people in my Cadre sphere. JC, we love you.

We're so glad you're here. You're. You're core to this group. All right, everybody, I hope you have a really great Monday, and we'll see you back here in the Cadre sphere really soon. Bye.