Coffee Chats w/ Dr. D

Hello, Cadre. What's up? It's been a long day. Another one? And I think I'm just really exhausted because of. We're just gonna blame it on the eclipse. Yesterday was pretty cool. I don't know if you guys got a chance to see it, but I did not have the eclipse glasses, so I did not stare at the sun or the moon, whatever it is. But I did go outside just to experience it and to see how life would change. This is my second eclipse that I can remember that I've been a part of, but it was interesting. I noticed how nature just did its thing.

My dog acted really weird. Um. Hey, there. So she. I have a really small dog, but she started getting really anxious, and she was crawling up my shirt, and I'm like, girl, calm down. It's okay. Um, but it was. It was really cool. I hope you guys got a chance to see it. If you haven't, that's okay. I mean, it didn't last that long. I wish it was a little bit longer, but I do want to first take my sip of coffee because I need a little bit. This is my second cup for the day. Hello, Alec. One day, I'll get a chance to meet you, but I want to give you guys a little update about me.

I just completed 40 hours of divorce mediation training, so I am officially a supreme Court approved divorce and family mediator, and let me tell you, get your sip. So, divorce is not pretty. Now, I have never personally been through divorce, but I am a child of divorce, and my parents divorced when I was three. I don't remember it, but I just remember the feeling of, when's my dad gonna come home? You know, I do remember that at that age. So I know it's not a good experience for everyone involved.

Sometimes it's necessary. But divorce is ugly. And what I learned in the mediation training is just the power of listening. And emotions get really high during divorce. And this month, we're talking about anger and the power of anger on our relationships. And today I want to talk to you about how anger can actually create intimacy. And you may not think that's possible, because anger really can be a repellent. It can drive people away from us. But when we are the recipient of anger, we can choose to listen, and we can change things around in that conversation and change things in the relationship.

So I do have notes because there's so much to say about this. I want to make sure I get it all in. I do want you to remember. Think about this. You know, anger is one of those emotions. It's so strong and it's so powerful that it wakes us up. So when we're in a conversation with someone who's angry, we feel their anger, and it gets us to pay attention. And anger is just one of those signals that something's not okay. Something needs to change. And that right there, that spark of anger, if we choose to lean into that, that can be a spark that will change a conversation and get us to get closer to each other.

It creates intimacy. So how does this work? Well, first, pay attention to the signs. So there's a lot more information that is dissolved or brought out when we look at nonverbal communication. So when you think of someone who's angry, you might see their face get red, right? That's one sign. You might see them waving their hands. You might see them balling up their fists. You might hear the tone in their voice change. You might hear the volume in their voice change. And when you're paying attention to those signs and you choose to lean into that, you can tap into, what are they actually feeling?

It's not just anger. Remember I spoke last time? Anger is just what we see on the surface. There's other emotions going on underneath. But if we're only looking at their anger, we're missing opportunities to connect. We're missing opportunities to see what's going on down here. What are they really feeling? Or where are they hurting? How can I lean into that? So I want you to think about a time where you've had a really intense conversation with someone that it didn't really start out intense, but it picked up, and you noticed that person was getting angrier by the minute, by the second.

And you're probably sitting there thinking, what the heck is going on? What did I do? And I can just imagine your first reaction to that is to get defensive. You're probably sitting there thinking, well, dang, I didn't do anything wrong. Why are you getting so mad? You need to calm down. That is one of the worst things we can tell someone who's angry. You need to calm down. No, they need to express themselves, but they need to do in a safe way. Anger doesn't always have to be ugly, or it doesn't have to be harmful.

Again, anger is an emotion that is necessary. It happens to all of us. We all express it at some point in our lives, but we have to express it in a safe way. So if you're the recipient of someone's anger, lean into that. Pay attention to them. Listen to them and listen to what they're not saying. They're not going to tell you I'm sad. They're not going to tell you I'm upset because you didn't show up for me. But if you give them the space to do that, they might. If you sit there and you watch, you pay attention and you give them room to express themselves, that creates intimacy.

There are so many conversations. And, you know, I'm a relationship therapist, and I've seen anger expressed in sessions. And as the therapist or now as the mediator for divorces, one thing that I will see sometimes is one partner is really angry, but when the other partner listens, there creates this sense of safety there. We just want to be heard, right? Someone who's angry, they just want to be heard. And that's why they get so loud, because you're not hearing me. You don't get it. Let me talk louder so you can see me.

So when we lean into that, that anger, and we see, okay, they need connection right now. They need me to listen. They need me to see them right now. How can I do that and just take a pause? Just sit there for a moment, listen to what they're not saying. Ask a question. When it's the right time, of course. And that's tricky to ask questions with the right timing. But the more you do that, the more frequently you lean into someone's anger with empathy, that's going to create more intimacy in your relationship.

That happens in romantic relationships. It can happen in friendships. You know, a lot of times in our friendships, we don't tell our friends that we're angry with them. We might just ghost them or, you know, reject their phone calls or not respond to their text messages. But that is one of those silent signs that there's some anger going on. So if we lean into that and ask them, hey, do you want to talk? I'm here to listen, that creates intimacy. So if your partner or your friend or your loved one, whoever that might be, is expressing anger, try not to run away from that.

But if you are in a position where their anger is not safe for you to be around, yes, get to safety, please. But if you can stay there, and I won't, say, absorb their anger, but if you can stay in that moment with them and listen and create safety for them, you will tap into what's really hurting them, and that will bring you more connection and more intimacy. I dare you to try it. Let me know if you've done this before. If it's something that you're willing to try with someone in the future. And if that works for you, please message me and let me know how that works.

I do want you to remember too. If you're the person who is expressing your anger, be mindful of how scary that can be for the person on the other end. And be mindful of what you're really feeling. Don't be afraid to express that you're sad, that you're lonely, that you're hurting, because the anger is just a sign that there's pain. So I hope you guys are having a great day and get your cup of coffee if you guys need that second cup like me, but talk to you later.