You've Got That Guilty Feel

Deep breath, everybody. Hello. If you are joining me in the Cadre app, I think I'm a minute early. I am the Shannon, and I did not cut my hair. It just all pinned up. And I am in a conference room right now and I'm going to wait to see if you join me live before I get into the conversation about what we're talking about today. See how it goes. It's funny, my hair is so big normally that people are like, oh. Like, anytime I pull it up, they're like, well, did you cut your hair? I'm like, no, this is just bushy.

Hello, Pete. Thanks for joining us. And I'm gonna. Pete, I'm gonna share you with where I'm going bothering these poor people in this conference room. I came in here, I am the emcee for a conference for one of my corporate clients. And right now, even though I normally hub out of Minneapolis, Minnesota, hello. Thanks for joining us, Donnie. I appreciate you there. So normally, even though I hub out of Minneapolis, Minnesota, hello. My friend Colleen, our bronze meadow life friend. I am on a business trip and I'm in Washington, DC, which has been wonderful and which will eventually get us to the topic that I put in the, in the live stream description for today about talking about guilt.

So, as I said, normally I am a single mom with a loving child who happens to be high supports on the autism spectrum. I call him Cyclone kid. And some of you might have seen me talk about him before. And the thing that I thought was so interesting is that this week I've been traveling for a business trip. So he is with auntie. He is with his auntie. He loves his auntie of people who are able to care for him when I am not around. His auntie is a champion. My sister is amazing. And so they've been having a good time.

But it's interesting because this is the first business trip I've taken where I was only gone for multiple days overnight and the kiddo was going to be with auntie. And so maybe you've had this situation before where you're doing something and you're like, okay, I have to do this, or there's a reason why I'm doing it. But as a caregiver, that means that someone else has to step in as your surrogate and actually provide care for your loved one while you're off working or you're, you know, trying to do some personal time or you're, you know, doing something else where you're not actively caretaking for them or caregiving for them.

And it's funny how I have been living in the land of guilt for two weeks, living up to this date, as much as my sister, who is filling in for me right now, has said he's fine. You all want to have a good time, you got to work as much as I did. Sent out a little call to a couple of my friends, just like, hey, could you. You be on backup in case something happens? Can you send some positive vibes our direction in case something happens? All of these things. And I've been very fortunate that the resounding response has been, hey, we got it.

Have a good time. Hey, I got you, sis. Go make your money and all of those things. And even though I'm working, it's amazing how heavy that guilt can weigh on you. And it's almost to the point that even though I should be able to release myself to go, hey, have a good time, and it's really cool that you can do this other thing. I kept coming back to that little feeling of anxiety that you get, like, and I tell you, I can tell you exactly where my lips is. Right here, right there. I don't know where your anxiety lives.

Maybe yours lives up here. Maybe your lives in your shoulder. You can feel it. Maybe yours is in your chest. For me, it's right here in my stomach. And I just feel it. I'm going, and it's been all that I could do to go. One, you're doing the right thing because this is what is going to be able to pay for his caretaking after I'm gone. Like, this is what I'm doing. And two, to allow myself to trust my support. So it does a disservice to my sister, who is blessing me by giving her time and making sure that he is loved and careful while I'm working.

When she goes, he's okay, like, relax. And I'm like, oh, well, my friend's gonna call and check on you. And she's like, okay. I can hear it in my head, in her text. She's like, okay, but he's fine. And that's what she's been doing. And it's not that he won't be excited when I get home or the fact that he doesn't miss me or any of that stuff, but understanding that I did the best that I could to make sure that there was this system set up and that I did everything I could to plan for what he might need or what she might need while I was out of town, and that eventually all I can do is just exhale and go.

It needs to be fine. There's no point in me putting all this negative anxiety back into the air. Then maybe it won't be fine. What I need to do is make sure that I'm present so that when it comes down to the fact of me working with the client that I'm out of town for, that I did a good job and that me leaving was worth the chance that I left and that somebody else watched it. And so that comes down to if you ended up doing something. And maybe it's not that you were working. Maybe it was that you were actually working on yourself.

Maybe it's that you needed some time to go do something self care related. Maybe it was time for you to go and talk to your mental health provider, and so there's somebody else that is actually filling in for you while you, you know, caring for your loved one at the time. It isn't it so weird the way that guilt of when we do take time for ourselves for whatever the reason, you feel like, ah, I'm a worse person. So I'm taking some time away from my primary role as a caregiver. And so I have just had to release it.

So yesterday I did a much better job of it than the first day that I was here. I didn't check in every 15 minutes. I just sent her a few texts. And during some downtown in the afternoon, I did something that was really emotionally supporting for me. Like I said, I'm in Washington, DC right now for this conference, and I had a chance to go to the Smithsonian Museum's National African American History Museum. And that was amazing and impactful and this combination of emotionally overwhelming, but also exhilarating and impactful for me to be able to go there.

There were some key things that I got got to see at the National African American History Museum that were very important to me and who I am as a performer and who I am as a woman and who I am as a parent. Hello. Speak wonder. Thank you for joining us. We appreciate you talking about how we can let guilt get in the way as caregivers. And I'm really proud of myself that I was able to let go of guilt long enough to go. Just because you're out of town and somebody else is helping you out right now, don't beat myself up the entire time that I'm on this trip.

So I'm doing the best that I can and I keep doing it this way. I told my sister, just tell him. I said, tell him three sleeps and then mom's coming. Because the answer is, if everything works out and my plane gets back tonight, it's only two sleeps. So it's two sleeps. And maybe you have that version of things right now and you deserve two sleeps until you go back to being the primary caregiver and you just gotta let good things happen and let go, and go. You will be there. And you need some time sometimes to fill yourself back up so that you can be that long term caregiver and not such an exhausted individual that you live your life from a position of lack.

So my general feeling about guilt is that it's so interesting where it's tied to my anxiety and how I would just let that combination. And you just feel like if you have the wrong kombucha and you just feel things like bubbling up in you, that's the way my guilt and anxiety work with one another. It is a bad chemical reaction. So reminding myself, myself that the price that I pay for feeling guilty actually makes me bad about being a positive caregiver for mentor. And so that might be the way that you angle that as well.

Oh, thank you. Speak wonder. You said that you're dealing with guilt as a planet aaa, it's, it's, it is difficult and trying to figure out the ways that you deal with that. And one of the suggestions that I received when I was talking to one of our speakers that was here and they were talking about the latter method of how you do it. And so maybe you can't immediately get to that. I just am releasing guilt and not feeling bad. But what you could do is I'm going to take that guilty, negative thought, that thing that you're beating yourself up about, and you can back off a little bit.

You can scaffold in some language that's not as negative. So maybe it's, oh, my gosh, you know, I'm such a, I feel like such a terrible person because I'm not going to be here to take care of my mom and I'm using your example speak wonder. So maybe you can go. Okay. I know that I'm doing something that's a little bit selfish by taking some time for myself, but mom will be okay, and then you could go, well, what's the next run down the ladder? Okay, I know mom's going to be okay for a couple of days.

I just need some time for myself. And then you can continue on that ladder and go up to eventually I'll be a better caretaker for mom because I took these three days and when I come back, I'll come back with fresh energy, fresh ideas, and I'll be able to come back and tell mom about this amazing trip that I went on and have something more to share with them. And so that was one of the things that I'm like, oh, wait, that's what I can do. Maybe the start and just work our way up to it and just trying to make sure that we don't fall and stay in that land of whatever the slightly less negative thing is.

Still trying to move ourselves up the wrong. But that has been something very impactful for me to be able to do is go, okay, is it true? If it's not true, what really is the reality? And if. If I can just Socratic method myself out of this guilt, maybe I can so speak wonder. Enjoy your trip. I'm sure that you are doing everything that you can to make sure that your mom is well cared for while you are away. And that means that you will probably be better able to care for her for a longer period of time.

And that's what I convinced myself. I'm like, me doing this is how I'm going to be able to make sure that I am available to care for my son as long as possible. And also since this is my job, it's just a job that doesn't suck. I'm like, I'm so. I'm very. I understand that I have a job that's pretty cool. So I'm not saying that it's not, but understanding that though, me being to actively be able to figure out a way to support us is what's going to happen when I'm in that situation where I need to be able to pay for somebody to care for me and him simultaneously, possibly.

And that you never know when that's going to happen. So being able to plan for future you and future you, that's taking care of your mom, that's something you can't feel guilty about. That's something you have to go. You know what? I'm doing the best that I can as a human being. So hopefully we all figure out a way to let go and let go of guilt and enjoy your trip. And that's how I feel. I'm very happy that I was able to enjoy this trip and I'm breathing into the fact that things are going to work out.

I'm going to get on this plane, and when I get home, he's going to be happy to see me. So I am happy to see all of you who joined us. I am happy that we are here for one another, that we are continuing to build this community here in the Cadre app. It's been a wonderful experience. Even though I've only been doing it for a month or so. I can't even keep track of how long it's been. I'll ask Colleen, my bronze little, my life ramble. Do the math later. But it's just a wonderful example of the little things that we can share with one another about how we got through.

So if you have something and you want to drop it in the chat, let us know. You can always email us as well. And if you're watching this in the replay, same thing. Go ahead and leave a comment. Is something that hopefully as people are pinging back in and going, hey, I was feeling that guilty moment. Who else maybe might feel that way? And how can I use what their common experience is to get myself through the next five minutes, the next ten minutes, the next day, the next two days until you go, all right, I'm back here and I'm doing what I have to do.

And the other thing is I encourage you to do is that not letting guilt stop you from making the plan. So congratulations. Speak wonder for at least booking that trip because I know I've been in that position before, too. I'm like, I don't even want to book it. I'll just talk myself out of it and figure out how everything is going to be so negative before I even get there that I just talked myself out of the whole idea. So good on you. You are doing great work for you and for your mom. And I am reminding myself that too.

I will love my son more because I have had a chance to get away from him because he is a teenager and a handful. But I love him and I'm sure that you love whoever you're caring for, too. So thank you for joining us in the Cadre app. We're going to move on tomorrow and have great content for all of our folks that are focusing on the subject matter of grief. We will be back here for caregiver Thursday again next Thursday with all this fantastic content. And if there's ever anything that you want any of our content creators that are here to branch out into, let us know, because that's what we're here for, is to help reframe the conversations that we have and the feelings that we have and let you know that you don't have to be okay on your own.

You can be okay in community. So I'm going to get back into this keynote presentation and everyone. You mean the world to me. Stay safe, stay healthy, and I'll see you guys again next week. Bye.