Expired Mindsets 🧠 w/ Dr.Charryse:

Hello, Quadra Sphere. I hope you are doing well. I am. I'm excited because it's another opportunity to be here with you. Welcome to the zen den. And on Wednesdays, we're all about personal development. If this is your first time here, I'm Doctor Charisse Johnson, a licensed clinical mental health therapist, mindfulness practitioner and author who focuses on finding peace and harmony in your life if you do the work. I always talk about peace and harmony versus balance. Because we can't always give 50 50 in everything.

Come on in. Pull up a chair, a couch, a blanket, your life, your head, whatever you need to. Your beverage of choice. Non alcoholic, preferably. I have had a busy, busy morning. For those of you that are listening to this live already, so my coffee will have to come later. But know that if you see me kind of move my hand this way, it's a virtual sip. Let me know. Two things. One, how is your week going? How would you rate your week? One being you want this week to be over already? Ten being it's been fabulous.

Hello, Beth Schofield. Hello, Tarina, Jules, Lindsey, Lori, Rachel. And then, of course, let us know where you are in the world. Yes, Jules, rise and shine. That means what city, what state, what area are you representing? Just our collective way of reminding ourselves that we're not alone and that we exist in this beautiful sphere of mental wellbeing and support all across the world. Lindsey, I love that. 75. Katherine's having a nine. That's great. We'll take about 30 more seconds and let people hop in and rate their week and let us know where they're from.

Hello, South Carolina. What's up, Florida? Five, but pressing four. That's wonderful. Joycelyn. That's all we can do. Pennsylvania. Let's see. I'm, of course, at the moment repping North Carolina. If I had to rate my week, I would say, hello, Charleston. Hello, Warner Robbins, Georgia, which I actually know where that is. Hello, Fayetteville. 5. You know, it hasn't really been a perfect week, but it's great. What's up, South Jersey? Philly and Maryland. So, fairly simple message today. That's two things that are really kind of on my heart.

Hello, northern Minnesota that I want to share with you. Sometimes I come to you and I, like, have this whole plan, series, things that I want to focus. And we are going to do a series that will start the beginning of July. I'll talk about that a little bit later. But two statements that I said this week in work with clients that I feel like, you know what? I want my Cadre family to hear this and kind of get their thoughts. The first thought is, pay attention to the people in your life that are only there for the performance.

And if I had some coffee, I would sip it right now. Pay attention to the people in your life that are only there for the performance. And what I mean by that is it's important for us to always take inventory of the people in our lives, our social connections, just who's in our environment, because we know that the people in our environment have an impact on our well being. Well, sometimes you might do a little 360, as I call it, and you're going to scan and you're going to notice, well, there are some people that are in your environment that are only there under certain conditions.

They're there when other people that you know are there. They are there for you when it benefits them. They're there for you if it is going to make them look good in front of other said people. Or sometimes they are there for you when they actually need something and don't really want to be there for you. So they come to you and they start off in specific conversation, and then you think, oh, my gosh, this is so nice. We're connecting, and then you're like, wait a minute. This really moved away from what I needed to talk about.

And somehow, someway, you realize that most of your conversations are centered toward this person or this group of people. You notice that they're not there for you in the way that you are for them, and you can't quite figure out why. Now, how relationships start is different for everyone. There are seasons in our lives where we have specific needs and other people have specific needs. And those relationships actually become relationships of convenience. Sometimes they're people that you've had in your life for a long time, and you're having a difficult time noticing that you have outgrown the way the relationship exists.

I didn't say you've outgrown them, although that's possible, but you've definitely outgrown the way you interact. This was cool when we were 20. Well, we're 45, and this is not cute anymore. And you are not able or willing to be the kind of friend that's needed. They're not willing to be the kind of friend that's needed in that moment of your life or in different seasons. So what's your responsibility when it comes to your own mental wellness and well being? When you notice, wait a minute, you're only in my life for the performance.

When it comes down to it and the curtains closed, you dip. You don't even help me stay and clean. I'm talking an analogy. You don't even help me make sure that everything's put together before you leave. But as soon as the curtains open and we're in front of people, I see something in you that I don't normally see. Let me also add, since I'm already on a roll, we can have people in our family who are also this way. We can have spouses and partners who are like, man, when we're out in front of people.

You're amazing. You are here for the performance. But, boy, I would wonder. I wonder what people would say if they saw you behind the curtain. For those that are just stepping in two thoughts, I'm into this one so much. It might be one, but the first thought was, pay attention to the people in your life that are only there for the performance. Because here's the challenge to your own mental health. When those people are in your life, when you allow people like that to stay in your life, it creates three things that come to mind.

One, it creates a level of insecurity in you because you spend so much time trying to figure out why this relationship is not consistent. Why is it not stable? Why is it not reciprocated? You're in this place of instability and insecurity because you don't know what to do in order to have that person show up the way that you want. When you keep people in your life that are only there for the performance. Two, you're missing out on better relationships. There are other people in your life that genuinely want to get to know you and have the capacity and the level of health to be the kind of friend that you need and deserve.

But you're so busy putting all of your effort into this old, familiar, inconsistent, unstable relationship that you're not branching out and finding what you need. And number three, when we keep people in our lives who are only there for the performance, we also run the risk of losing sight of how amazing we are at friends. It lowers your self worth, and that also makes you consider, do I want any more friends? My experience here isn't great. I'm going through so much over here. This person is manipulating me and not giving me what I need.

Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I'm not really worthy of great relationships. All of those are lies. You deserve to have people in your life that are stable. I did not say perfect, but people who are stable, people who see you in the light that you are, people who won't misread your intention. Because when you keep people in your life who are only there for the performance, one of the things that they also do, and this does move me to point number two, is they keep you small because part of the hidden agreement of the relationship is you can't outshine them on the stage.

So let me give you an example. You're this amazing and incredible and kind person, and you notice that someone is not doing well out of the goodness of your heart. You reach out to them and go, oh, I heard you weren't doing well. Are you okay? What can I do for you? Can I bring you something? Whatever it is that you enjoy doing? Well said performance, friend finds out and then gets upset. Well, you've never done anything like that for me. Well, why did you do that for them? I don't think they really need all that.

Or they attempt to do something even greater, as if it's a competition. It's one that you didn't know you were entering than what you've done. And you're like, but you were just talking about that same person the other day, and now all of a sudden, you're in connection with them in a special way. And I realized to some of you, listening to this, this might sound a little middle school, but let's be honest, there are some individuals walking around that still have middle school mentality. So when you allow people to stay in your life that are only there for the performance, it definitely tears you down, keeps you from wanting further relationships with people, not trusting yourself, devaluing your worth.

And it keeps you playing small because you feel misunderstood. You feel like, well, if they misunderstand me and they think that I'm doing what I'm doing for personal reasons instead of out of the kindness of my heart, then do other people think that way? And I don't want other people to think that way. So maybe I should just. You hear how that continues to rattle out. Now, let's say I might be in your brain, Maria. I might. You find yourself in a situation like this. What do you do? It's so funny whenever I answer that question, because part of me wants to go right to a very coffee inspired, smart response.

But I'm remembering in this moment that I'm actually supposed to be here to give you tangible ways to support things. So what do you do? One. Pay attention to those people in your life and ask yourself, why do I allow this relationship to continue? Because we always want to start with what we can choose, which is our own self awareness and our own response. Why am I allowing this person, this connection to remain? Is this person connected to another person in my life? Is this a situation where I don't have a lot of relationships?

So they're my crumbs that I'm keeping around. They're. They're better than nothing, although they're really not. But you might be telling yourself that. So have self awareness and ask yourself that question two before you decide what the nature of that relationship needs to shift to. The encouragement is for you to change things up in your life and put yourself in situations where you can establish some new relationships. That means you're going to have to get out of the house. That means you're going to have to do things different than what you've always done.

So sometimes we get caught in those performance friends because we have a specific routine in our lives and they're there in everything, so it becomes all we have because these are the things that we enjoy. Don't want you to abandon the things that you enjoy, Joy, but where is it time for you to branch out and do some other things so that you can meet some other people? Because, yes, other people's opinions are not your business. And Lindy, I was going there next. If it's family, that is a tough one.

I could probably do a whole dynamic. There are times in our lives where we need to appropriately distance ourselves from family, and distance can mean a lot of different things. It doesn't have to be all or none. It can be limiting the amount of time we spend around them. It can be fighting for what we actually want and not playing small when we're trying to make decisions and going, I just don't want them to get upset because they're not getting what they want. So I'm going to give them what they want and feeling invalidated.

But it's important to put some kind of boundaries in place around your time with that person if it's an extended family. And you can also put boundaries in place even if it's somebody in your home. Sometimes. Again, we can have a spouse, a partner, or even children that are that performance driven relationship in our life. But I would also say take the time to explore that one on one. I'm always very cautious, honestly, about giving general family advice because there's so many different variables to what you're considering.

But I would honestly say if it's a repetitive, recurring issue that, you know, has a very significant impact on you invest in, you know, a few sessions where you can go, I need to talk through this and how to move forward through this, because it's an issue. And that way someone can hear all those unique pieces and then give you very specific friends. So great question, Christy. Performance friends means they perform what for us? What I mean by that performance friend means they're fake. They're individuals that give you a glimmer of friendship, but it's not true in nature.

So when you're out in certain ways, they appear to be a certain way, but then when you actually need them, there's no depth there. So they're willing to show up to something that you're involved with. If you've planned it, if people that you, that they like are coming and they think it's worth their time, then they're willing because they enjoy the attention. That's part of it. But if it was something else or a one on one situation, they're less likely, likely to come. They're not in your life in a solid fashion unless you are the person who is constantly initiating.

So also looking at, when it comes to the performance together that we have, there's a singular performance. You get in front of people and you act one way, and you're different when you're just with me. There's also the dynamic. Is, is it a relationship that you feel like you have to constantly reach out to, and otherwise the relationship is not there. I am cracking up. Yeah. Some of us do get paid, Audrey, to deal with people who behave in this way. And it's one thing if we're getting paid to do it.

It's another thing if these are the kinds of people that exist in our lives. Like, the whole focus of this is going, what's the depth of the social relationships that you have in your life? Do you have true friendships that are there for you, that are mutually there for you? Or are the friendships in your life really centered around your willingness to feed their need, to meet their need? If you go through a devastatingly hard time, or even just a moderate hard time, who are the people that actually still show up for you?

Or who are the people who are like, oh, where have you been? I haven't seen you. Well, you haven't seen me because you didn't try to see me. I've seen you every week for how long? And the moment that I disappeared, you didn't reach out to find out if I was okay. That's not being petty. That's calling somebody to carpet. You didn't even ask. Right. And that's not something that you would expect out of every relationship in your life. But it is important for you to have some standards around. Here's what it means for us to be in relationship with one another, because as we mature and go through things in life, that connection doesn't become any less important.

You are worthy of good, solid friendships outside of the ones that you may have in your vocation. Each bucket of friendships is going to be a little different. I have some great work, relationships, and colleagues that are wonderful, but we're not best friends. Right. Like, you're more my best friend than they're my best friend. Right. They know of me what I choose to allow them to know of me, and that works. But we reciprocate well in how we support each other in that area. There's. There's levels, and I want you to really take inventory of, are you getting back from the people in your life, what you are giving?

And I might talk about that a little bit more later, but I don't want to overwhelm you. I will scope back through this if anyone has any questions. And, you know, there's always at least one person that I call out. Don't blame me, blame God. He just. I was going to talk about something else, and then, you know, it was a last minute situation, so we'll talk about that. I think I actually like that, Audrey. You've given me an idea that I will write down, and next week we'll call boxes and boundaries and kind of to see where that takes.

But that being said, I don't want to keep you too long. I hope that you heard something today that you will find helpful, something that resonates, that you can keep in your own mind as you reflect on what it means to be well. Because the people around us do impact our ability to grow to how we shape ourselves, our health. We co regulate. Right? So you gotta have the right people in your life and the right people around you. And anyone who treats you one way here and another way there does not deserve to be in your life.

You can use me as an excuse. My doctor told me that I was allergic to you and wrote me a prescription to cut you off or distance you behind this line. She said it was necessary for my health, that if I didn't do it, it could cause an infection. Because when you let something that infiltrates you stay too close, it infects your heart, your mind, your spirit, the way you act, and what you believe in yourself. So I'm always here to be the excuse. And they can come and they can listen to this live and be like, is she talking about me?

How does she know she's talking about me? All that being said, continue to show up throughout the day. Really get into all that's here around personal development and wellness. And then there are amazing lineup of creators that are next. I think JC is next. Some of you met him at recalibrate and there's others throughout the day. And then I will see you on Friday. For those of you who will be around for if your plate could talk. Until then, do the work. Because knowledge is not power without application.

Have a good one.