Week 3 - Conscious coupling

Alrighty. Happy third Saturday. So, third Saturdays is when I do my best to talk about conscious coupling. Conscious coupling. So, first Saturday, conscious masculinity. Second Saturday, conscious fatherhood. To have tough conversations with our partners. Right? So I'm married 20 years. I've made many more mistakes in this area than I've done it. Well, that's the first thing I can say now. Why? Right. What were the mistakes that I've made? Right. So, I mean, I think we do really learn more from the mistakes we make.

And so, like, when it comes to having tough conversations with our partner, you know, what? Exactly. Like, what are the mistakes I made? Well, one, I was anxious and nervous to do it. And so instead of honoring the anxiety or the nervousness or even acknowledging it to my partner, what did I do? Speak wonder. Hello. Welcome. What would I do? What were the mistakes that I would make? Well, I was nervous, and so when I. I would get nervous, what would I go to? I would go to a false sense of power and control.

And so instead of coming humbly to the conversation, I would come from a place of, like, kind of, this is how it's going to be. I was so afraid of not being heard, and I was so afraid of it not going my way that I would try to prevent that from happening by just kind of doing what my partner calls laying down the law. Right. So I'm already nervous. Right. And so if I'm nervous, I'm getting amped up. And if I'm getting amped up, that starts to move from any chance of being assertive to being more aggressive.

And then, of course, my partner picks up on that energy and is reactive and defensive as well. And because she has a tendency to be an avoidant, then that kind of stuff is a big, that's like a big signal for her to just be, like, done, not going. Not doing this. Right. So what have I learned? Well, I've learned several things, several steps, right. To take. And I promised when I first started doing this with Cadre that I would always give steps, little tips for people to practice, right. Because, I mean, we can talk all we want, but it's really what we practice.

So, one, what I've learned is if I feel the need to have a conversation with my partner, the first thing I do is I wait 24 hours. If it feels urgent, I wait at least 24 hours. Right. And irrespective. Right, I get this idea in my head, oh, I need to talk to her about this. Second I check in with somebody, hey, what do you think this is what I wanted to talk about. What do you think? For instance, just had that conversation with my sponsor. Right? Again, I'm a twelve stepper, so I've got a sponsor.

And despite having 30 years, I regularly check in with my sponsor. And I mentioned to him, you know, wanting to talk to my partner, Nancy, about some stuff. And he was like, you know, Dan, it sounds to me like you are being defensive. It sounds to me like you're coming from a place of being a little defensive already and a little bit of kind of wanting, wanting your way instead of coming it to it from a more collaborative place. So it was like, really good feedback, because I didn't think I was doing that at all.

In fact, I thought I had gotten that out of the way. So that told me, okay, wait at least another 24 hours because, you know, really what's urgent? What conversation is really so urgent? I mean, those are the mistakes that we would make. As, you know, many, many couples make this. Right. When do you have your arguments? Early in the morning and going to bed at night. And those are the worst times to have those conversations. People are stressed, people are tired. People are focused on trying to get out of the house for work, any number of things.

But my experience is definitely that not good timing for that. So the first step. Wait, just pause. Second, check in with somebody else. Third, invite my partner to have a conversation and let her know ahead of time what it's about and see if she's open to talking about it. For instance, we are getting ready to have an important financial conversation. So I said, hey, I would love to talk to you about some financial stuff. Here's some of what I was hoping to talk about. Can we do that soon? Yes.

Okay. Well, then let's find a time that's good for us to do that, and then we'll. We'll proceed. Right then. I think the other important thing about having these tough conversations is paying attention to how I'm doing in the conversation, starting with some breathing, you know, before getting going. I just. I have a tendency to be reactive. I know that about myself. My partner knows that about me. She has a tendency to shut down. I know that about her. And it's so, so much better when there's a mutual respect and when there's a mutual understanding.

Kind of like, these are the things that could trip us up. So what I said in my little description in the Cadre thing was why it's so important to have these tough conversations. I mean, so many people go into their relationships, they're all excited. Oh, I found this person. Oh, it's so great. We communicate, we do all this stuff, and then the next thing you know, two years, three years, five years, 1010 years later, there's no communication. Or you're avoiding the real stuff. You're just, you're roommates, you're watching tv, you're eating dinner together.

You talk about superficial stuff, but you're not talking about the real stuff. You're not talking about the stuff that kind of has potential for conflict, and as a result, you avoid it, right? So there's that. Oftentimes what that leads to is resentment building up and people being, you know, like just stuffing stuff. You just start kind of, it's like, it's almost as if, like there's a garage, right? And you just start putting all your stuff in that garage. And it's hard, it's hard not to do that.

But I think, like, from this perspective of conscious coupling, like, what does it really mean to be consciously coupled? You know, for me, what that means is it's like I want to have valuable communication. I need to remember there's very, very little that's urgent, so I don't need to come from a place of urgency. And when I have those conversations to be calm, to make sure like, that I'm sitting down, that I've got something to drink, and then, you know, it's the value of having those conversations.

And if I've checked, if I've done the first steps right, if I have, if I've paused for 24 hours and just reflected, maybe even journaled about it, and I've checked in with somebody else, chances are then my motives are good and there's value in having the conversation. And so then I go ahead and I have that conversation, or I invite my partner to have the conversation. And absolutely. I don't think this just doesn't apply to couples. This applies to friends. I literally just had a conversation with a friend this morning where we had like a little bit of, a little bit of potential conflict over text.

And, you know, he asked me, he's like, so were you, were you just joking? Were you trolling me or were you serious? I said, no, I was serious. He said, were you offended? I was like, no, I wasn't offended. But I, it was a loving little wrist slap from me because I felt like, you know, it just kind of crossed a line a little bit with something that you said. He's like, oh, yeah, I get it. You know, just was kind of shooting the wounded a little bit. And so then we just had that conversation. No defensiveness, no nothing.

I mean, it's just like having the courageous conversations, the tough conversations. I mean, that's what it's all about. And it's hard, you know, and it's hard to do it well, and it takes practice. And I have failed over and over and over again. But at 52, 30 years sober, 20 years married, and with a 15 year old, I've gotten better at it than I've ever been to. And so much of it is about being calm and being kind and noticing how I'm doing. And if I'm not in that space of calm and kind and collaborative, then it's probably not the time to have the conversation.

And the opposite, you know, also holds true, right? The opposite holds true if my partner's coming to me wanting to talk about something, as happened just the other week, and I was like, I don't think this is a good time. I'm really tired. And I know that this has the potential to be a sensitive topic, so I'm going to say let's talk about it another time. And that feels really good to be able to set that boundary on my end and give myself permission around those kinds of things. So those are my little tidbits for the day, and I'm glad you found it helpful.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend in the codrosphere and otherwise. And perhaps I will see you next week. Take care.