Week 1 - Conscious Masculinity - The Man Rules

Okay. Well, hello, cadres. Fear sphere. Not fear sphere, although, of course, fear is also an exciting and always a ever present topic for people who are honest. But it's not what I'm going to talk about. Well, maybe a little bit, but I want to talk today. This is week one, right? So anybody who's following knows that week one, we talk about conscious masculinity, right? So what is exactly conscious masculinity? So I've talked about that. And the funny thing is, like, for the first time in my life, doing any kind of social media, I decided to get organized several months ago, and I even worked with some of the folks at Cadre to come up with, like, a little schedule of what I was going to talk about, and then I completely forgot about it.

So I've just been riffing on topics, but I looked it up today and I realized, like, one of the most important topics I haven't covered yet. It's kind of foundational to everything I talk about. In some ways, I take it for granted. And if you saw the title of this live stream, it's the man rules. Now, some people, like, they see that and they're like, well, what even are the man rules? And others are like, oh, yeah, I know exactly what he's talking about. Right. But they are the expectations, the rules, the scripts, the parts of the script that we learned so early as boys about what it means to be a mandeh.

How do we actually play the role? What are we allowed to do? What aren't we allowed to do? And that's why I call them the man rules. Right? I mean, like, there's, it's really intentional about calling them rules. Some people call them the mail messages. Okay, well, yeah, that's fine. But that doesn't influence or that doesn't really demonstrate how powerful the message is, how significant the element of power and maybe even coercion is around the man rules. Right? Others call it the man box. I love that image.

Right. Cause it's just like we're in this box and we're restricted. I don't like that as much because it implies a little bit that there's something wrong with some elements of masculinity. I mean, the restriction, what causes the restriction? Well, what causes the restriction, from my perspective, is the rigidity to the rules. Right? So first off, let me say this, right, for anybody who's watching now or later, right, this is normally a one to two hour presentation that I do, right? Conversation, presentation.

And so there's a lot, a lot that this is part of that makes up this conversation. But let me say this. First off, there's these rules. The man rules. Now, with audiences, when I do my talks, presentations, whatever trainings, I will have them name the man rules. And I've been doing this for many years now, and it is the same answers every single time. Now, that's significant to me. Remember, I'm trained as a sociologist, so I noticed that. I notice this human behavior, and it's very, very interesting, the messages that we tell boys about how to be men, that we learn, that get reinforced, that get internalized, as we like to say, and then kind of become, like, who we think we are, right?

So the number one rule that we get every single time when I do these trainings, almost 100% of the time, when the audiences name the man rules, the first rule they name is men don't cry. Now, that says something that that's the first one. And not only is it like the first one, that one person names multiple people, usually at the same time, shout out, don't cry, men don't cry. Big boys don't cry. Some kind of variation of the don't cry rule. Right? Now, I'm gonna do a whole other livestream just on that rule.

In fact, I'm gonna be naming some of the rules today. And then I'm gonna be doing, during my conscious masculinity ones, my week one live streams, I'm gonna break down multiple of these rules, right, because they're so powerful. So I'm not gonna talk a lot about the don't cry one, because I'm gonna do it its own thing, right. Its whole dedicated livestream another time. But there's don't cry, don't ask for help. Don't be vulnerable. Right? There are. I mean, there's so many, when I do this exercise with audiences, usually I'll have a slide with some of them on that I've gotten over the years.

But sometimes we'll also just do it on a flip chart, and we'll just have them write down, I did this one time with some young men. They were like, 16 to 20 in Illinois. We came up with six flip chart papers full of the man rules. It's unbelievable, right? Just all of these different rules. A lot of them are don'ts, right? Don't be this. Don't be emotional. Don't be weak. Don't cry. Don't ask for help. Right? But then there's, like, there's other rules, right? There's the rules around sex and intimacy and connection which are a big deal, which really, quite frankly, for masculinity, the rules are not really around sex, connection and intimacy.

They're around sex. And then you just stuff connection and intimacy in that. And I'll be talking a lot about that in some future live streams as well because that just requires so much unpacking and so much attention. But over the years, the rule that I've come up with as it relates to all the different rules around sex for men is have as much sex as possible whenever possible, with as many hot, indifferent chicks as possible, with as little connection as possible, with as big of a d*** as possible.

That's the sentence, right? And I call it a sentence in many ways, or I call it a sentence because there's also a double entendre there because that is what men are sentenced to. That's what we're sentenced to in order to experience intimacy. And connection is fitting within that. And then we wonder why guys struggle with sexuality. We wonder why guys sleep around. We wonder why guys don't, you know, commit in relationships. We wonder why guys have difficulty with intimacy. We wonder why guys have difficulty with connection.

It's all right there. In fact, a lot of it is in don't cry. Because when you break down, don't cry. There's a lot of the rules that are built into don't cry. But then there's don't be a girl, right? Don't be a girl. Don't act like a girl. Don't value that which we associate with girls and women. And so not only is it denigrating to boys in different aspects of who boys are at a young age, it's obviously denigrating and disrespectful toward women. So it's part of the inherent patriarchal sexist component, right, that lives inside of the man rules.

Adding to that is the don't be gay rule. And then, you know, a lot of the times in audiences these days, the younger people, right, we'll say, oh, that's not a big deal for us anymore, man. We don't care if somebody's gay. I'm like, oh, okay, great. So come here and kiss me. And like, whoa, I don't, you know, the point simply is that the way these rules and this is, it's not just around the don't be gay, it's around a lot of these rules. A lot of young guys immediately reject a lot of these rules, saying, well, that's not me.

That was my dad. That was my grandfather. And I'm like, but you just gave me these rules. You just told me that this is what masculinity is. So inside of you is something that's judging you and expecting you to show up in this way at times. And chances are, and this is what I will talk to the guys about. Like, when it comes to the don't be gay one, I'll say this isn't just about saying, hey, I'm okay with, you know, homosexuality or okay with men being gay. This is about me being comfortable, having intimate conversations and intimacy with men and connection with men and hugging men and touching men and being able to, you know, I mean, like, quite frankly, the don't be gay.

The tip of the iceberg in many ways is acceptance of men who don't identify as heterosexual. Underneath all of that is the much greater, greater willingness and ability, right, to accept and love other men in spaces of intimacy and connection without it being sexual, without it looking or needing to fear that it is going to be sexual or be somehow perceived as gay. So that's the don't be a girl, don't be gay. And like I said, like, these young, these young guys and even professionals that I work with who are like, well, but what about all these young people?

And they're showing up in all these ways. I was like, it's beautiful how a lot of these young people are showing up because there's certainly a relaxed masculinity for them. The rules are not as strong, but when they get stressed, right, when they, like, really get stressed, really scared, or just really feeling like they're backed into a corner emotionally, psychologically, what tends to come out, the man rules now, do they come out because of thousands of years of training and running from beasts and fighting gladiators and all this sort of stuff, I don't really subscribe to that way of thinking.

I believe some of that is in there. But I also believe. And part of why I don't believe, believe it, frankly, is because as a man in recovery for 30 years, like, I've watched it change for me and so for countless men. But my point with these young guys is like, hey, look, maybe it's not just about whether you believe in these rules, but it's about looking in all the ways they show up in your life, looking at all the ways that they sometimes happen, the ways that you prevent yourself from being vulnerable in certain situations or crying in certain situations or asking for help in certain situations or how you approach sex in intimacy.

And so while it may be different, it's still. It's insidious and it's powerful. Right. And so there's a lot of confusion, is what I tend to talk about. There's a lot of confusion for men and young men these days. It's like, what kind of man am I supposed to be? And when is it safe? And when can I be this guy with other men and with women and all of this sort of stuff? And I've worked with so many young guys who, part of their confusion comes from the confusion of the young women, at least for those who identify as heterosexual in those relationships, because the women seem to be quite confused about what they want from a mandev.

They say they want a sensitive man. They want a guy who's open with his feelings. And then the guys do that, and then they get rejected, they get put in the friend zone, they get all this sort of stuff. And then the men are left feeling not only vulnerable, but rejected and thinking like, well, what, what the heck? And so the confusion around this disruption of gender roles is affecting everybody. And that's all part of the man rules. Right. And so I'll end today's exploration of the man rules. It's kind of like part one of like 15.

I have no idea how many it's going to be, but the man rules what I talk about, right. This livestream is called conscious masculinity, and what conscious masculinity is really the awareness of the man I want to be and how often I am that man and how often I fall short and what I need to do to become closer and closer to being that man. The vision of that man. Now, the man rules often get in the way of that. Do I want to guy? Do I want to be a guy who's willing to be emotional, you know, with my daughter, with my wife, with other people in my life?

Yeah, absolutely. Do certain things get in the way for me with that? Yes, they do. Right. And we'll talk about that as well, because at the core for so many men of their identity and our identity is this idea of safety. And how do we find safety and how do the man rules play into that safety? So this is one of my longer live streams, and I just want to say that I'm looking forward to doing this exploration and I'm going to end it with anybody who's listening, watching, especially who identifies as male.

I mean, the woman rules is its own thing. And I do a lot around the woman rules and work with colleagues who have done a lot of exploration of that. But for the male identified individuals who are watching this. What I really want to encourage you to do is think about the man rules. Write out as many man rules as you can, positive, negative, whatever. The ones you believe in, the ones you don't, but just the ones in society, the ones that really, really we see all the time. And write them out on a piece of paper and see what you see.

And see if you see the man that you want to be on that piece of paper. And if you don't, then get another piece of paper and really, really articulate the vision of the man you want to be. You know? I want to be a man who is able to be emotional when it's called for. I want to be a man who is strong, but I also want to be a man who is able to embrace his weakness. I want to be, you know, and see exactly what that is and create a vision of the man you want to be. Because at the end of the day, you cannot have any real idea of where you're going unless you have a vision of that destination.

So wish everybody a very happy weekend. And I.