If My Plate Could Talk: “Is It Time To Build New Community?”

Hello, Codrosphere. It is another Friday, another day, another opportunity for us to come to breathe and to connect. And I'm always glad that you're here and that you chose to be in this space because you could be doing a lot of things with your time. If this is your very first time here in this space, I'm glad that you came. I hope that you make yourself at home and find something comfortable that you enjoy. It's so good to see those of you that are joining as you come in. As always, give some hearts and emojis.

As we're going through updates and changes. That's one of the best ways for me to know that your presence is there. But I feel you. I know you're there. Anyway, let me know where you are in the world. You'll only be able to see your comments and then I'll be able to go back and look at them later. But it's just a really powerful and collective way for us to ground in our space. As you can see, I'm at home, which is feels like it's been rare lately, but I'm glad to be here. I want to focus today on knowing when it's time to build new community.

I'll start in about a minute. I'll give everyone time to transition in this space. And I want you, before I get into kind of the focus of today, to think about what's on your plate. Right. I often will encourage you to think about that, typically at the end, but I'm going to switch it up this time. If you are kind of a tactile or tangible person, you could literally create two circles in front of you, or you can do it in your mind. And I want you to think about metaphorically what's on your plate, what are you carrying, what feels like it's on your shoulders, what feels like it's taking up your mental space right now.

All the things I want you to be able to see it and look at it. There's something very powerful about being able to write those things down. Because, you know, we have moments sometimes we're like, man, why am I so tired? Why am I so exhausted? I don't understand what's wrong with me. And then we'll take a moment like this and we'll write down what's on our plate. And we're like, no wonder I feel the way that I feel. There's a lot going on. So metaphorically, what's on your plate and then right beside it or under it.

I also want you to consider what have you been putting on your plate in terms of how you're nourishing yourself? And that is your way of going. How does life and the people and the situations that you're carrying and holding influence the way that you are nourishing yourself in food, in drink, or in substance? And you decide where you want to go. No one gets to see your paper except for you. But it's a really helpful way to take a snapshot of the things that are on your mind. Focus of today is how do you know when it's time for you to build new community?

And sometimes the thought of building new community can feel overwhelming. It can feel like something we don't want to do. It can feel like too much work. But here's why it may be important. When you have a lot on your plate, it changes you. When we have significant amounts of responsibility, when we are grieving significant loss, and not just loss of a person, but loss of a situation, loss of finances, loss of opportunity, loss of the vision that we have for our future. So we look at grief along this huge continuum because we are all grieving something at any given moment.

So when you're going through all of those things, what you need from the people around you will look different. And sometimes you're going to have amazing and incredible community that knows how to kind of flow with you and pays attention to you and will ask questions and be what you need. But then there are moments that you unfortunately will stop and look back and go, I thought these were my people, but I realized that they were only my people when I could show up a certain way. Or they were only my people when I could give them certain things.

Or they're only your people when you're happy and you're in a great mood. And that may not be all of what you are right now. And so building new community doesn't mean that I'm encouraging you or telling you to abandon the people who are in your community right now. But there are definitely moments, heart me, if you believe it, where you may need to reposition the people in your life, if that's something that you're like. I feel that I can relate to that. I've had to do that. Use your emoji of choice to note that.

But there are times where you will need to reposition the people in your life and to take inventory of who the people are that are in your inner circle. And can they still be what you need? Do they have the capacity to be what you need? I know we don't like to acknowledge this, but we do outgrow people. We do outgrow communities, especially people communities and systems that don't grow. And that's a reality of life. Also consider this. Sometimes there are people in systems and communities that are there in our lives for a season.

And it doesn't mean that you've used them. It doesn't mean that you've betrayed them. Let me give you a great example. If you are a parent or an auntie or a coach, right, you are in the lives of people for a season and how they need you early on in coaching and parenting and in aunting is very different as they grow and mature and you have to constantly get to know them and get to know how you connect with them. So people grow and change and their needs grow and change and we have different roles in their life for a season.

So it is not wrong for that to exist. I sometimes in other platforms or at other times, we'll do a seven at seven. I want to do an eight at eight. All right, here are eight ways you may recognize or eight signs and symptoms that it may be time for you to shift into some new relationships. Number one, you recognize that there's a lack of support in the relationships and the communities that you currently exist in. Number two, become a negative atmosphere. Sometimes we are in systems and communities or around people that aren't healing well in their own lives, or we've healed and we start listening more and we go, are they always that negative?

And the answer might be yes, but if we were also that negative, we didn't notice it. And then as we healed and got better, we're like, oh, yikes. Now I realize that we kind of commiserated together and now that we no longer do that, or now that I no longer want to do that, they don't know how to center around any other conversation. So a negative atmosphere within your relationships and within the communities that you're in can impact your own mental well being. And so it might be an indicator that you need to branch out and look for something different.

Number three, stagnation. And this can be a big one when you're around people that are very satisfied. And it doesn't mean that we have to always be constantly changing. But if you're a person that finds that you appreciate and seek growth, then when you're in situations that you feel like the people around you have become stagnant, that will impact your growth. Because then people say things like, well, you're always doing the most and why do you always need to change things? And is that really necessary?

Can't you just relax? And you're like, I find my run relaxing. That is relaxing to me. So stagnation will also try to encourage you to slow down and not grow in the areas that you want to. So if you notice that, really consider how close should those people be in your life? Number four, a misalignment of values. Where your values are evolving or you're prioritizing your values in ways that you didn't before. When we go through hard moments, right, what we value illuminates, it makes us keep really great perspective around, wow, this doesn't mean as much to me as it used to.

Because you've been through this, you value this even more. But if you're in a community or a system that has a misalignment of those values, you're going to find yourself in conflict with those individuals or even feeling like you may have to negotiate or abandon your values, which is not ideal long term. Number five, if you feel like there's a lack of engagement, tell me if you've ever experienced this. Have you ever gone through a season? I have. Where you felt like, man, I've been here for these people so much, and now that I'm in a place where I can't give that, but I could really use some engagement.

It's not there. Again, engage in some way. If you can say you. That's a really tough place if you've been there. Right. Note that that's hard, Right. And there's a lot of reasons why that happens, and I won't go into all of them, but it can be a very hurtful and lonely place for you to feel like you're in relationships with people that you love and you enjoy, but they're not able to reciprocate or they're not paying attention enough to know that you need to be pursued a little bit more than normal or you need to be checked on, you need to be encouraged.

Number six. If you realize you're starting to feel isolated or disconnected, and not just because you're going through a hard time and you feel numb, but there's something in you that has shifted and you're like, I don't know if I fit here anymore. I don't know. Or you've lost that sense of feeling like you belong despite all the effort that you've put in. And the things that you would normally do to stay connected to them don't seem like they're as effective. That's just something to pay attention to.

You'll know if it's you or if you see. Nope, I'm feeling a lot better. This is not a tough season, but I'm still having this same sense and feeling disconnected. Pay attention to those signs. Number seven, if there are repetitive conflicts that continue to come up within that system or in those relationships that you and those other people can't get past or constantly cycle around, then you want to go, well, how are those conflicts starting to impact me? How are they weighing on me and what am I noticing about how they're changing my own level of well being?

Are they putting you in the middle of those conflicts? Could be a number of different things. And then number eight, maybe you're just at a place that your interests have changed, that you're like, I'm no longer interested in doing what this group was formed around. I think a great example of that is sometimes our sobriety habits. Sometimes we meet people in different seasons of life and we realize that our connecting point is we love to eat and we love to drink and do it in excess. And then you get to a season of life that you decide for yourself that is no longer something that you want to be as high of a value or it's no longer healthy or whatever the reason may be.

And then the struggle is that your interest has now changed. You would like to be with people who do things that are more active, that are more adventurous, and yet the group of people in the community that you have is still centered around. No, we don't want to do any of that. We just want to kind of go eat and drink and have a good time again, no shade off of them. That's not bad. But it's not going to meet your needs. So part of noticing what's on your plate and pulling all of this together is I want you to ask yourself today, over the weekend, over the next week, what community or system is on my plate and weighing it down and what do I need?

How can I reposition, have less of them on my plate and what do I need to invite on my plate so that you feel like you're in community and you're in systems that really align with your journey, your healing and where you want to go in life and give yourself that permission to know that you're not betraying anybody, you're not being a bad person. It doesn't mean that you don't like people, but that making your plate harmonious and well digested means that you're willing to pay attention to what is no longer serving you, including people, including communities, including systems that you operate in, and giving yourself permission to go find what you need.

All right, so take that. Use it as you find helpful or pen it to come back to at another moment or time, or share it with somebody who is going through a situation right now where they're struggling to go. I don't fit here anymore. I don't feel like I have what I need. I'm afraid to find it. How do I know this is the right choice? These are eight factors and symptoms that you can kind of go through and really take some inventory and have some discussion around. As always, I'm so glad that you chose to come.

I never take it for granted. Please take care of yourself. Please don't put more on your plate than you have to. And please pay attention to when what you're holding, what you're carrying is so heavy. That is impacting the way that you nourish yourself in a very healthy way. And I look forward to seeing you next week. Have a good one.