Exploring the role of all of those complaints and even resentment that show up all of the time inside of us and even sometimes leak out. And what do we do?
On the third Saturday of the month, Jarrett looks at couples who have resentments in their relationships. He says the key is to not say something and then let it sit. And if you share too much, he says, it can be damaging to the relationship.
All right. Greetings to the chydrosphere. It has been a while. I have been on the road and living a good life, I think I would say. I was in Japan with some friends and just really had an amazing experience. And then I'm also in a band, and at this time last week, my band was playing a gig, which is also a lot of joy for me. So then, as you can see, I'm not, like, super presentable right now. And that's because I was just playing volleyball, and I was playing a lot of volleyball, and I was like, am I going to freak out and race home and try to get all ready, you know, go crazy trying to look presentable, or am I just going to go with it, you know?
And that's what I'm doing. I'm just going with it. Had a long morning. I mean, a great morning, but it was long and just barely made it in time to get home and then find out that my daughter needed to go to a birthday party and my wife was getting ready to take her, and I was like, you know what? Why don't I take her? I've been gone for a while, and you have been carrying the burden, so let me do that. And then I. Then I got home. So what's the point? Well, you know, I think a big part of the point for today, which I put in the.
I put in the theme, you know, because on the third Saturday, which I believe this is the third Saturday, it's normally conscious couples, conscious coupling. And so that's kind of really where I'm going to focus. And it's. You know, I've been married 21 years. And so in those 21 years, over those years, I've gotten. I've had a lot of upset with my partner. I've had a lot of stories about my partner. I still have stories about my partner. I still have ideas about who she is and who she isn't, how she feels about me, what she doesn't feel about me.
Most of it I let go. Some of it I carry. Some of it I share with her. But the big question is, like, what do you do with that stuff? What do you do with the. The resentments? What do you do with the frustrations? What do you do with the stories you have about your partner that are negative or wishing they would be a little different, do things a little bit differently? I have no answers, per se, about what to do, but I think I have more of a sense of what not to do. And here's the thing. What I've learned is because my emotions get entangled with kind of my thoughts and my expectations and stuff, I lose perspective, I lose clarity.
I alone am not the best person to try to figure out what's going on in my marriage. That's why I'm so thankful for the people I have in my life. Sometimes I write stuff down and I share it with somebody else. Sometimes I just sit with something. But I think what I continue to learn is the incredible value of just not saying something and then. And letting it sit. And then, like, really, like, saying, like. The value of writing it down is that it gives me a chance to focus, and it gives me a chance to see what I'm really thinking.
And then it gives me a chance to look at it again and be like, is this what I want to do? Is this what I want to say? Is this where I want to go? I think it's inevitable if you're in a relationship with people that you're going to have some resentments that. That you're going to have stuff build up, that you're going to have unshared, undelivered communication. But the question is, you know, what do you do with it? What do you let go? What do you share? And you probably err. You know, people error on two sides, right?
Sharing way too much and then not sharing anything. And if you share way too much, you haven't really probably had a chance to process it. You probably don't have clarity. And it's not fair to your partner, it's not fair to you, and it's not fair to the relationship because you're sharing things that really probably don't need to be shared. And then if you're not sharing anything, well, I think that can be just as damaging, right? Because then you're not investing in the relationship, you're not taking the risk, you're not growing vulnerability and intimacy.
And so there's got to be that balance. I mean, that's my experience. And I'm still learning. 21 years of marriage, and I'm still learning for sure. And I'm. I had a situation last week. I wrote out a bunch of stuff. I was all set to say some stuff, contacted two people, read it to one friend, and he was like, yeah, it's really well written, but I'm not sure that that's what you really want to say, you know? And here's the thing, right? Do you share complaints or do you share vulnerability? Do you share complaints or do you share requests?
Do you share what's wrong with them and what they're not doing or what you want and what you're looking for. And that's really the key for me. Right. And I can fall into complaints, and I can fall into what, you know, my partner's not doing, but I have to be really careful before I share any of that. So I was in Japan for almost two weeks, then I got back, then I flew to New Jersey, and then I got back on Tuesday. I'm still kind of just working through the jet lag, but it's great to be back here, and I wish you all a very wonderful Saturday.
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