Rachel’s Room🛋️DEAR Skill For Boundaries

Happy Wednesday Cadre crew. Hello. Hello. Another week has flown by and we are here. I'm gonna let a little time pass for folks to trickle in and then we are gonna chat about. We're kind of gonna chat about boundaries. But I wanted to share a. Hi, Lynn. I wanted to share a skill that I learned in treatment, like, oh my God, almost 10 years ago, that has really, really helped me with setting boundaries, but just with communication in general. Hi, Jules. And I feel like with the holidays coming around the corner, kind of like bolstering our boundary setting communication toolbox will behoove us.

And for a lot of us, you know, the holidays can be highly a time where we feel like our boundaries are being pushed, where our boundaries are not being respected, where it might be harder to set boundaries because we're around people that don't normally see us on a day to day basis. So we haven't developed sort of that safe, routine level of communication. So I wanted to just provide you with a little tool that has really, really helped me and I wanted to give you a little time so that you can practice before the holidays roll around.

So this skill is from dialectical behavior therapy. If you've watched any of my videos or lives, I'm a huge fan of dbt. DBT was developed by Marsha Linehan, who was actually local to Seattle, and she struggled with borderline personality disorder for a very long time. And she developed this modality of therapy to specifically support people with BPD and to really support folks who struggled with suicidal depression. So one of the tenets of DBT is this thing called interpersonal effectiveness, which is just a fancy way of saying communication.

So she has this whole section of DBT that is designed to help people specifically who've maybe grown up in really, who've grown up in homes where there wasn't a lot of communication or communication was volatile or inconsistent or violent. How to safely and effectively have communication as an adult. Because oftentimes if we don't get to learn that as a kid, we don't have the skills to do it as adults. And if you're like me, that can turn into something looking like people, pleasing or not being able to speak up for myself, not thinking I even have needs.

So not even knowing how to ask for them, not knowing how to say no. And that can create really, really big challenges when it comes to our mental health and our relationships. So all that's to say is there's a lot of skills. If you want to look it up on your own, you can look up DBT skills. And there's so many worksheets online. If you're like a worksheet person. And there's lots of stuff on my blog also, I wrote a lot on my blog about dbt. But anyways, what I want to talk about today is one specific skill is an anagram.

This is. I always get these mixed up. There's an. There's anagrams and there's. What's the one when you take, like, you take multiple words and you take the first letter of each word to make a new word. That's. Is that an anagram? I have to Google this now. This is one of those things that if I don't look it up right away, it's going to drive me crazy. It's not an anagram. It's a. Oh, help me out. Basically, each letter of this is going to drive me crazy. It's not an anagram. When you take many words, first letter.

This is going to drive me nuts. Is this an anagram? Is it an anagram acronym? An acronym. Okay, it's an acronym. It's an acronym. Okay. So the acronym is dear. So D, E, A, R. And each of those letters stands for something. So I. Yes, it's an acronym. So I love that because especially if I'm like, having to set a boundary or have a hard conversation, I lowkey blackout. I get really dissociative and anxious, and it's very difficult for me to remember what I want to say or how I'm going to say it. And so having an acronym helps me stay grounded in.

Okay, I need. The first thing I need is. Starts with a D. The second thing I need starts with an E. And then I can kind of follow this rubric that helps me stay grounded, stay present, and still communicate what it is I'm communicating. So dear stands for. I'm going to tell you what it stands for, and then I'll kind of tell you how to use it. So D stands for describe, E stands for express, A stands for assert, and R stands for reinforce. Somebody's honking. Yes, dear. So we use deer when we want to.

When we want to state something that we need or want with someone and we want to be clear and have an objective. So this is really great when it comes to setting boundaries or asking for our needs. And the idea is that we kind of allow ourselves to figure out. It's not necessarily like we are creating a script for ourselves, but this sort of structure and skeleton helps us to kind of communicate what we need in A way that's actually effective and still we get to sort of like maintain a relationship, right?

So D. Describe. So be descriptive about the situation. What is the scenario, what's happening, what's going on, And I'll give you an example after this. E. Express. Express how you're feeling, because how you feel is important. A. Assert. So be clear and assertive with what you're asking for. So oftentimes, especially when we start setting boundaries or asking for our needs, we can still, we still kind of do this sort of roundabout. Like, I'm not going to really say what I want because if I do, then I might get rejected or it might be too much, or they might think that I'm being a burden.

And so we kind of like skirt around what we actually need. But if we don't actually ask for what we need or what we want, we're not going to get it. So we have to be assertive and we have to be clear. So A. Assert. R. Reinforce. So you reinforce why this is important to you. And this is really important because oftentimes, like if we're, especially if we're communicating with somebody who have a relationship with or who we care about or who cares about us, if we let them know why it matters, then we build this bridge of understanding.

Like if I'm asking my partner, for example, like to please put the toilet seat down, right? And they're like, I like why it's not that big of a deal. You can do it. But if I reinforce, it's important to me because it shows me that they're thinking about how my experience is going to be in the bathroom later. And it makes me feel like they care about me and our relationship. That's a better reason than just because you're supposed to, right? So like thinking about reinforcing is about why is it actually important to you?

And this also is really great because it allows you to self identify if this need is actually important. Oftentimes we can start to ask for things because we think we need them or we think it's the right thing. But when we sit with ourselves and say, well, why is this actually important to me? It also helps us sort of like sift out, like, is this something I really need to make and ask about? Or is this one of those things that I can just let go of? And this is helpful for me because once I started setting boundaries, I was like, boundaries everywhere.

I was asserting left and right. And I started realizing I was just like doing this all the time. And as a Result, I sort of felt like I was just demanding things, and that wasn't really actually me setting boundaries. Because boundaries are about actually indicating to people, like, here's how you can love me and show me that you love me while making me still feel safe. And so identifying for myself, like, is this actually important or is this something I can let go of also allowed me to maintain right relationship with people, because I got to then be a little bit flexible while still having boundaries that were important to me.

So let's do an example. So this is an example I have on my blog. So, okay, so be descriptive. Describe the situation. So describe the situation earlier when you touched my hair without asking. So that's describing the situation, right? That's all it is. Express how you feel. It made me feel uncomfortable and violated. Just say how it makes me feel. Then we assert what we want. I would like it if you asked me before touching any part of my body. So that's the ask. And we're being clear and assertive.

And then we explain. We reinforce why it's important, because otherwise I feel anxious and on edge around you. So what this does is it allows us to break down what can feel like a very overwhelming thing or like a very small thing, and turn it into something that is. It is meaningful, simple, and understandable. Um, so I. I have used this skill now to the point where I don't even think about it anymore. Like, it's sort of like the Oreo analogy. That's an analogy. The Oreo analogy, where it's like, if you want to say something that might be conceived, received as criticism or negative, you do.

Like an. Or the Oreo method, which is like you. You put something nice around the something not nice. This has kind of become that for me. So, like, if I need to ask for something, like, it's. Now it's just ingrained in my brain to kind of have this setup. But when I first started doing it, I was pure robot. It was like, okay, describe the other day when you took my shirt without asking. Okay, express. It made me feel violated and disrespected. Like, I had to really, like, go through it. And it was clunky, and I totally did not do it well.

Or there's no right way, but right in terms of, like, remembering the, you know, the acronym or whatever. And also, people didn't always respond well. Right? Sometimes people were like, I don't care or no or whatever, you know, and al. And that also gave me an indication of who. Who are people that I can safely Ask these things from, who are people that high speak, wonder who are people that are going to be respectful of me when I make these asks? Who are people that really care about and respect my boundaries?

I just. I just had a boundary last week. I went on a date with someone and I. I really liked this person, but she's part of my friend group. In a way, there is some overlap in the friend group, and I have personally set a boundary in the last couple months that I'm not going to date anyone, whether it's casually or not casually with someone in my friend group because it becomes messy. And so at the end of the day, she asked me how I was feeling. I said, I've had a really wonderful time. I think that you are so lovely, and I've really enjoyed getting to know you, and I would love to keep getting to know you.

The truth is, I, you know, I've set a boundary for myself that I'm. I'm, you know, I don't want to date within my friend circle. I just have found that it creates. It gets really messy, and I just don't want to. I don't want to ruin anything in this friendship group with those friends or with you. And she was so receptive. She was like, oh, my gosh, of course I would love to be your friend. Let's not mess anything up. And the rest of the evening was fine. Like, she was so respectful and understanding, and there was no pushback.

And that was such a big indication of, okay, this is a safe person for me to have these hard conversations with. So it's really amazing when we get to have that kind of response because it a reinforces it's safe for us to ask for what we need, and it's safe for us to set boundaries. And it also shows us the kinds of people that we. That we want in our life or not and. Or what kinds of people we have in our life we want to move in a deeper or more intimate relationship with. Because there might be people that I still want to keep around in my life, but maybe they're not the kind of people that I have super close relationships with because I don't feel safe to have those kinds of conversations with.

Lynn asks, how do you open the conversation? Like, hey, I want to. Can I share something with you? That's a really, really good question. I think it's contextual. I think it depends on who the person is on when this conversation is coming up. You know, what, like, what is the incident? Or, you know, is this, like, are you bringing up something that is really far in the past, or is it something that is not necessarily, like, about something that has happened, but more just something you want somebody to know about you?

So it really does depend. If you're willing to share, like, more details on the context, I can answer a little bit better. I find that, you know, if it's like. Yeah, it really, really depends. I'm trying to think of an example of, like, maybe a couple different scenarios, like, for, like. I mean, the example I just gave was, like, in the moment. So we were, like, already kind of having an open dialogue about it. But, like, let's say I'm going home for Thanksgiving, and I know that my mom might bring up some conversation about food and body, and that might make me uncomfortable.

It could be. I mean, I have the kind of relationship with my mom where I could call her before I go, oh, wait. Okay. Lynn responded. I wasn't sure if the hair example was, like, in the moment or previous. Oh, okay. That was. Yeah. I mean, so that's. That's like saying, like, let's say I'm at a. I'm at a party or something. And, like, at the beginning of the party, like, someone, like, started, like, touching my hair or whatever, maybe I would pull them aside later and ask them to talk about it. I probably would.

Knowing me, I wouldn't even be able to do it in the moment. I would be so emotional and, like, I would need to go regularly before talking to them and actually, like, figure out if it was worth me even saying so. Again, it would also depend on the person. Right. So if this is a person that I don't know, I probably wouldn't bring it up. I probably would go talk to a friend about it, process, regulate and get myself back to a state of calm, and then go about the day. If it was a friend or someone that I knew and I was, like, Wanted to, like, keep seeing again, I would probably ask them, like, hey, do you mind if we, like, go, like, chat really quick?

I might check in and be like, how. Like, how's the party going for you? You know, it's so nice to see you. I. I'm really loving, you know, getting to be around all these people. I did just want to let you know that earlier when. So that's probably. Yeah, if that makes sense. But, yeah, it's very contextual, I think. You know, these are sometimes. These are sometimes conversations that I have, like, preemptively. Like, I was the example I was about to give. Like, if I know I'M going into a situation where I have to set a boundary, like the one with my mom.

I might call her ahead of time and say, you know, we might just do our regular catch up, like, how are you doing? How's your partner? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. How's Milo? Milo's great, yada yada. I'm really looking forward to Thanksgiving. I've been having some anxiety because I know in the past on Thanksgiving, you know, obviously we're cooking, and so there's a lot of conversation about food. And, you know, I've been working really hard towards my recovery. And so I would really like it if this year we didn't talk about bodies and we didn't talk about numbers when it came to food or commented on each other in terms of how much we're eating.

Because when we do that, it makes me feel like all the work I've done in recovery is for. Is for nothing. And it makes me feel like you don't recognize that that's something that I try to really avoid in my life. And it would be. It would just make me feel so much safer and more comfortable being around you and the rest of the family if we didn't have that dialogue. So that would be like a preemptive sort of deer. And so, yeah, it's definitely contextual, but. Okay. I hope this was helpful. I know it's a lot.

com I think the. I also have a full post on like, all of the communication acronyms, but you can also just Google dbt. I think I have some videos on here. I might have videos on here about this specifically as well. But if you're a visual person like me and you want to see it all written out, you can Google dbt. Or you can look on my website and I kind of. I talk about it as well. But these are really great skills going into holidays just for communication and for boundaries in general. So. And I practice, like, I will practice.

I don't practice in front of the mirror because I feel like I'm talking to myself. And that's weird. But I'll write things out in advance to like, just get it in my brain. Like, what am I asking for? What's this? What am I feeling about this? Because that also then solidifies it for me. And the more self aware I am about that feeling and that need, the easier it is for me to communicate. So. Oh, good, Lynn, I'm glad this was helpful. Thank you for being here. And asking questions. I love when y'all ask questions.

It's great. I just enjoy talking to you, and I don't get to ccu, but I feel like you're here, and that feels really special. So I will talk to you next week. I. Even though it's so next week. Thanksgiving is Thursday, right? But I'm gonna still go live on Wednesday. So we'll have. I will be live. So if you need a little tenderness the day before tea day, I will be here. And I am sending you all lots of love and hope that you have a restful, joyful, easeful rest of the week. See you next week.