If My Plate Could Talk: “Cutting Ties With An Outdated Version Of Yourself”

Well, hello, Cogisphere. Here we are back together. I hope your week is coming to a better finish than maybe how it started. I think that's always the goal, right. Is for wherever we start, that somewhere along the way things get better, improve, look brighter. That's always helpful on multiple. Multiple levels. Levels. Welcome back to if youf Plate could talk. I'm Dr. Charisse Johnson, a licensed clinical mental health therapist, mindfulness practitioner, and author. And I come in here a few times a week, but specifically on Fridays.

For us to look at all things both tangibly and metaphorically in terms of what's on your platform late. Here's the anchoring moment. Two things. One, where are you? What's up? Southern New Jersey. Hello, Buffalo. Those of you that come on a regular basis, you get it. But I also want you to tell me what is something that you are looking forward to this weekend, something that you are looking forward to. Hello from South Carolina. Yeah, Joycelyn, sorry to hear that you're having a tough week. I, too, have had some very tough moments this week.

I feel like November, who has been something. Good morning, K 1906. But I am excited about the weekend and I do have some things to look forward to. So I am confident that my week will end better than it began. Blue's my color. You think blue's my color. Y'all are funny because you say that in almost every color that I wear. Hello, Northern Minnesota. What's up, Houston? Ah, grandbaby. Snuggles are the best. Let's go ahead and get into it. Focus of today. I want to read a statement to you because I don't want to paraphrase this.

It's too good. And then we'll kind of go from there. Cutting ties with people who consistently hurt you. And I'm going to use the word hurt in quotes because you might have another word that is more applicable to your life. You might have the word betray. You might have the word disappoint. You might have the word let you down. But cutting ties with people who consistently hurt you is not enough. You must also cut ties with the version of yourself who allowed that to continue for as long as it did.

I'm going to take a sip and I want you just to kind of think about what that means for you. This isn't something that I necessarily want you to feel like you have to commentate on. You can send reactions if you feel like, oh, I felt that. Let me say it one more time. Cutting ties with people who consistently hurt, betray, disappoint you is not enough. You must also cut ties with the version of yourself who allowed that to. To continue for as long as it did. So let's be honest. Sometimes when you look at what's on your plate, you have to realize we have to acknowledge some of that is there because I allowed it.

There's multiple different reasons why we allowed it. We don't purposefully say, hey, bad things come jump on my plate. That's not what I'm saying. But we have different moments in our own life where our ability to see in the mirror of ourself is different. So there are times where we may not really see what we're allowing. There may also be times that we're not ready to see what we're allowing to be on our plate. Or it can even be a season where there are other factors in our life that are a bigger focus.

So we know what's there, we're very aware, we feel it, we interact with these people or these situations, but for other reasons, we're not ready to address them. So this is not something to look at from a place of guilt. Really what I'm more focused on is that what you're going to notice is that as you heal in certain areas of your life, mentally, physically, financially, socially, emotionally, what you want around you, what you feel you want to tolerate, and the people in your life that you need may change.

So sometimes people, situations, experiences have run out and are only designed for a season. Now, ideally, we want to look at that season and learn from it. We want to look and go, what can I hold on to about my experience with that person or that situation that was actually good. We had some great moments in there. Typically though, that's going to be there. If not, you wouldn't have kept them as long as you did. But then you also want to look at when did you start to notice for yourself. But I might need to renegotiate where they are on my plate.

I might need to renegotiate the level of our closeness or how much space I give them in my life. And that's hard, but also necessary. Let's say that you are in a situation where that has recently happened, where you're going through that dynamic, where you've been a part of that dynamic. There's a lot of emotions around it, but we can all move through that situation. Well, I have had moments right where I have been in relationship with individuals and then realized, kind of knew this wasn't always great for me, but didn't have time to Attend to it.

And then there was a moment where I knew, you have to. You won't be able to go further or you'll continue to be hurt and disappointed. But it wasn't just about them. It was about me being honest with the version of myself that allowed them to be in my life, that allowed them to engage with me and to treat me a certain way. And then me going, you have to start cutting ties with that version of yourself. You have to consider and look at and examine what was it about you at that moment that let them in, that gave them permission, that had blinders on.

And now that you see, how do I heal and then how do I move forward? And so here's one thing that I believe is kind of universal for us all. We have to know what it feels like to be in safe connection with the right kind of people. Okay, so side question, because I always want to give you something tangible is, is there anyone in your life right now that is on your plate that needs to move off? Or have you recently moved some people off of your plate, but now you're working to shift the version of you that allowed them, and you're trying to figure out what that looks like.

So foundationally, what that looks like is you understanding what are some signs that you are now in connection with safe individuals. And so, 1, 2, 3, 4, I want to share five of them with you. Number one, when you feel calm, regulated, and at ease in their presence, that is a great sign. Give me a heart reaction if you have someone, at least one person in your life right now, that shows you that calm, regulated and at ease in their presence. I really feel like we underestimate how valuable that is to both our wellbeing and our mental health.

Two, another sign that you're in connection with a safe individual. You have a willingness yourself to show up as your authentic self without fear of what someone else might think, think or how they might judge you. Right? Sometimes we end up in relationships that are not long standing because when we came into that relationship, we didn't even know who we were. Right? We didn't know what it meant to be authentic. We just needed people in our lives, so we kind of accepted what was available. No shame.

But once you realize that, give yourself permission to grow and to evolve without seeing it as a bad thing. So when you can show up as your complete and authentic self and you don't worry that this person is going to judge you or think terrible of you, that's a good sign that you're building the Right. Community of people on your plate. Three, if you can allow yourself to be vulnerable about your previous life experiences and the impact they still have on you, that is a big one. And it's not always easy, but it is extremely helpful.

I myself have someone right now who is in my life that offers that to me in a way that is different than anything that I've ever experienced. I mean, I have people in my life who've been there for a long time. They're wonderful, they're great, but they know a lot of my life experiences. It's very different when you have someone who's newer into your life and you have this part of you that can say, oh, my bad, I apologize that I responded this way. Let me tell you why. Here's what I've been through and it's still impacting me.

And that's what you just got. But that person doesn't get mad, they don't get upset. They go, oh, okay, that, that makes sense. And they're patient with you in the process of cutting ties with that version because it is a process that's a sign that you're moving in the right direction with relationships that are healthy for you and sustainable long term and going to allow you to step in this newer version of yourself. Number four, when you're in a place that you have a willingness to express things that you wouldn't have said before because you fear the response.

So there are people in our lives that if we tell them what we actually feel, they get defensive, they always have something else to say, they invalidate it. And then it can place you in a situation where you go, well, I'm just not going to say what I feel because I can't trust that it'll be received. But a safe individual in your life who is allowing you to truly cut ties with that old version of yourself, you will be able to communicate to them your boundaries, your dislikes, your unmet needs, and they're not just going to hear you, they're going to work to understand you.

Oh, the power of having someone in your life who wants to understand you, not just hear you, so that you'll stop talking and move on, is it will change your life. And number five, not putting effort into hiding your insecurities is a sign that you're cutting ties with that old version of yourself and you are in relationship with someone that is willing to kind of navigate through the messiness of cutting those ties, because cutting ties with an old version of ourselves is a little messy. Right? And you might Be in that.

Right now, your plate might look a little crazy and chaotic because you're trying to reconfigure and you're trying to gain the courage to put things on there that need to be on there and move things off and say no where you need to say no, and say yes wherever you need to say yes. The biggest thing that I want you to get out of this is give yourself permission to cut ties with the old version of yourself. The version of yourself that you know wasn't what you've genuinely wanted. The version of yourself that only allowed you to express and experience parts of yourself so that you can continue to kind of spread your wings and open up and move into relationships, first with yourself, then with others, where you can step back and say, wow, it feels really good to be myself.

Because when you have that, you will do a better job, metaphorically of managing your plate. When you're not putting things on your plate because you fear what other people will think and how other people will judge you, you'll notice, man, I like what's on my plate. All right? And so, as we always do before we leave this time, draw your circles, either in your mind or on paper. And I want you to really spend some time and think about who or what is on your plate in terms of responsibilities, taking up your mental energy, taking up your financial energy, taking up your social space.

And then consider, as always, what needs to come off, whether that's temporary or forever. And then I want you to also look at what's on your plate in terms of how you've been nourishing and feeding yourself, what have you been eating, what have you been drinking, and what does it say about what's really happening inside of you? Because when life is genuinely good, we won't need food or alcohol or substances to fill that void. Doesn't mean those things aren't good and you can't enjoy them. But we won't need them in the same way because life is meeting our needs.

I want to say that quote one more time as a final statement. Cutting ties with people who consistently hurt you is not enough. You must also cut ties with a version of yourself who allowed that to continue for as long as it did. I believe in your ability to make whatever shift you need to as you move from this moment. Prioritize yourself unapologetically. It is the one of the most powerful things that you can do for your own mental well being and it will allow you to attract the right people in your life.

I love you to the degree that you are able to accept that love. Because there are people on here that I do actually love. I hope that the days ahead are everything that you need. But at the end of the day, they will be what you make them. So make them great and we'll talk soon.